Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Dave wakes up the morning after the office party and hasn't got a clue what he got up to the night before. after trying to revive himself as best he can in the bathroom he stumbles to the kitchen where his wife is sat at the table with a face like thunder. He knows he's in the shit but cannot for the life of him remember why... "Go on then," he mumbles "tell me what the hell I did last night". "You really don't remember?? Well after a shit load to drink you, got really stuck in to your boss, told him exactly what you thought of him and the entire board of directors in fine style."

"The managing director?", says Dave, "Piss on him".

"You did and he and the board sacked you on the spot."

"Fuck the board then".

"I did; you start back at work on Monday"

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?">

Arrrgghhh!" she screams.

"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Because when you are finished with the breasts and thighs all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

Well hung.

A teenaged girl needed 200$ for a new dress for the prom, so she asked her father for the cash. "Well," he replied, "that's a lot of money.

Your going to have to earn it." "Okay, okay, what do I have to do?" she asked. "Get on your knees and start sucking my dick." Of course, the girl was disgusted, and refused. "Okay, I guess you aren't going to this prom of yours..." her father said. "Wait, I really need that money! isn't there any other way?" "'Fraid not, kid." "Alright, I'll do it." And she started to give her own father a B.J.. After he came, the girl said " Jeez, your dick tastes like shit!!" "Well," replied the father, "your brother needed the car tonight..."

THE 3 STAGES OF SEX

1st Stage - House Sex: You have sex anywhere, the living room, kitchen, even the bathtub. any is fine, as long as you're having sex.

2nd Stage - Bedroom Sex: You have sex only in the bedroom, you've done it everywhere and anywhere, and the bed is the most comfortable.

3rd Stage - Hall Sex: You walk by each other in the hall, "Fuck you!", "Yea, Fuck you too!"

One day, a mother was walking past her daughter's room when she heard a low humming sound coming from inside. She opened the door and found her daughter on her bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing!?" exclaimed the mother.

"I'm 35 years old, I still live at home and I never go anywhere," the daughter replied. "So this is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband!"

Stunned, the mother shook her head and left the room.

The next day, the father was walking past the bedroom door and heard the same low humming. He entered his daughter's room and witnessed the same scene. When he questioned her about what she was doing, her reply was the same. The father left the room shaking his head and trying to comprehend what his daughter had said.

The following Sunday, the mother came in from shopping and found her husband sitting on the couch watching TV, with the vibrator propped up on the couch next to him.

"What are you doing!?" she exclaimed.

He replied, "Watching the football game with my son-in-law!"

What do pubic hairs and sprouts have in common?

You push them out of the way and keep on eating!