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UNB Study Links Water to Wetness
A recent University of New Brunswick study performed by UNB's Institute of Waterology has proved that, despite conflicting arguments, water is indeed the leading cause of wetness.  UNB President, Dr. Liz "The Big" Johnson, said she is elated to hear of the discovery (the whole story...).

New Goaltending Theories Advanced

Top Ten Things Doug Young Is Planning On Doing Now That's He's Joined The Canadian Alliance

Top Ten Things To Do With Your $200 Tax Rebate

News In Brief

Colouring Phenom Wows Teacher
Quispamsis, NB - First grade teacher Glenda Hussey was "blown away" by student Isabelle Tremblay's colouring ability, sources inside the school say.  "She was colouring at a 5th grade level, easily," said the source.  While unsubstantiated, rumour has it that Ms. Tremblay was doing her outlining in dark coloured pencil then shading in with crayons, an innovation that has electrified the entire school.  "We'll be keeping a close eye on this young phenom, trust me."

Price Reduced for "Morning After Pill"
Hamilton, ON - Shire Canada Inc., makers of the Preven emergency contraceptive kit - the so-called "morning after pill" - slashed the price from $22 to $5 on April 1st.  A company spokesperson says Shire has taken this step to increase access and make the drug more affordable for women.  Slashing the price by a factor of more than four is a first for a Canadian pharmaceutical company.

Promiscuous Sex Rockets Up By A Factor Of More Than Four
Ottawa, ON - A social scientist is voicing her alarm at a recent statistic which shows that promiscuous sexual acts for April have spiked upwards by a factor of more than four over the same period a year ago.  "We always see an upward trend in the spring", said Dr. Hayes, "but this is completely unprecedented."  Dr. Hayes could offer no immediate explanation for this phenomenon.

Amazing News From The Scientific Journal D'Uh
Atlanta, GA -The Center for Disease Control has recently completed a study which links alcohol to risky sexual behavior among youth. The CDC study compares changes in gonorrhea rates to changes in alcohol policy in all States from 1981 to 1995. In years following beer tax increases, gonorrhea rates usually dropped among young people. The same happened when the drinking age went up as it did in many states during the 1980s.  "(Alcohol) influences a person's judgment, and they are more likely to have sex without a condom, with multiple partners or with high-risk partners," a head researcher said. 

The CDC plans to do a follow up study on whether “liquor then beer never fear” is true and if gravity and falling down are somehow related.

Elian Gonzales Abducted, Torn To Pieces, And Eaten By INS Agents
Miami, FL -In a surprise move last week INS agents stormed Elian Gonzales' Miami relatives' home, grabbed the boy, tore him limb from limb, and ate his raw, bleeding flesh in accordance with a court order issued by the Justice Department.  "We waited as long as we could," stated Attorney General Janet Reno.  "Those relatives refused to obey the law, and we were forced into this action."  Fidel Castro cautiously supported this move, saying that for the first time in 40 years the United States did something he approved of.  The Miami relatives are upset by this turn of events and are alleging abuse of power.  "Just busting in here, taking Elian, dismembering him and devouring him like that...  It just doesn't seem right."  The INS agents involved stated that the boy "tasted like chicken."

CBC Reporter Seeks Out Uneducated, Unattractive Man For Comment On Hurricane
Antigonish, NS - CBC reporter Terry Milewski sought out Jerry McNeil, an unemployed dock worker, for comment on the recent hurricane that struck the region.  "It was blowin' something fierce," said McNeil.  "I brung my cats inside it was rainin' so hard."  McNeil then took off his Irving Oil ballcap revealing dark, greasy hair filled with dandruff.  "I woulda boarded up my windows by they was broke in the last storm three years ago and I never replaced 'em.  Hey, you got any smokes?" McNeil smiled ingratiatingly, revealing a mouthful of half-rotted teeth.  "You know I'm trying to quit, for the ladies, but it sure is hard."

Area Man Uses The Word "Niggardly", Gets Reproachful Looks, Reprimand
Ottawa, ON -  Computer programmer Chris Turrell used the word "niggardly" yesterday while complaining about his department head's refusal to sponsor him in the MS Run For A Cure, earning him stern looks from his co-workers and a reprimand from his supervisor, Marty Foreman.  "That kind of language is completely unacceptable in the workplace," Foreman told Turrell after calling him into his office.  When Turrell attempted to explain what niggardly means Foreman cut him off with righteous indignation.  "There's no explanation or excuse for this kind of slur in this day in age, and I'm not interested in listening to you rant and rave about your neo-Nazi friends and your ties to the KKK."  Foreman later released a memo throughout the department stating that bigotted remarks would not be tolerated.

Friendly Game Of Truth Or Dare Degenerates Into Sexually Charged Interrogation
The Heart and Crown, Ottawa - A late night game of Truth or Dare degenerated into a rapid succession of prying sexual questions here last Friday.  "I was taken completely off guard," said participant Sparky Cromwell.  "Sure, we'd been drinking heavily and there was an even ratio of women to men, but who would have thought the game would turn to sex?"  Cromwell contends that one of the female contestants started the whole thing.  "I knew we were in trouble when she asked my friend if he'd ever had sex in a public place.  I know what an immoral bastard Roy is, and I knew his answer would open the door to a slew of inappropriate questions."  Soon after the game began one of the more uptight female contestants excused herself on the premise she was "going to talk to some friends at that table over there."  "Oh man, when Princess left it got even worse," contends Cromwell.  "I learned stuff I never, ever wanted to know."  Mr. Cromwell says that while many of the questions skirted the boundary of good taste, he is just happy he never picked "dare".  "God only knows what kind of depravity we would have gotten into then," said Cromwell.