UNB Study Links Water to Wetness

A recent University of New Brunswick study performed by UNB's Institute of Waterology has proved that, despite conflicting arguments, water is indeed the leading cause of wetness.  UNB President Dr. Liz "The Big" Johnson said she is elated to hear of the discovery.

"I think it's high time that we found out what causes wetness."  She also added that she "would no longer have to fear cardboard and squirrels while out enjoying a leisurely walk."  Cardboard was long thought by university scholars to be the leading cause of wetness; Dr. Johnston would not elaborate on the squirrels comment.

Director of Development and Public Relations Susan Mountain Goo echoed the response of the President, albeit in a slightly confusing manner.  "We are very enthusiastic and pleased that we, the University of Wisconsin have discovered fire.  It's been a long time coming and I trust that we will keep this secret to ourselves."

The study, performed over a period of four years, was to find the leading cause of wetness.  Head researcher researcher Martin Chisholm raised his hands in victory and declared the study a "triumph for the universe".

"For the longest time we believed that either cardboard, leaves or plastic yellow 'Wet Floor' signs were the leading causes of wetness. Water never even occurred to us.  We wouldn't have tried it if it weren't for my cat."

Chisholm's cat,  a shorthaired Persian named Mr. Snuffles, was playing in the laboratory during one of the experiments.  Mr. Snuffles accidentally knocked over a bottle of water, ruining numerous important pages of research, three pornographic magazines, a bag of "growing" foam dinosaurs, and shorted out the lab's EZ Bake oven.  As Chisholm kicked at the cat, he realized that the papers had become wet.  "That's what did it," he declared.  Then, with a smile, a wink, and a nod he was gone before any further questions could be asked.

University Administration is uncertain where but have determined that Chisholm is undoubtedly "somewhere".

Dr. Tony Teakles, professor of Water/Wetness and Sticky Things at the University of Western Ontario knows where Chisholm is.  "The bastard's gone to hell," he raved in a recent phone interview.  Dr. Teakles rebuked the findings of Chisholm's team saying that he stands by his original 1997 results that prove cardboard, not water, causes wetness.

"When you think about it, the porn magazines he was reading are very similar to cardboard.  Perhaps it was the cardboard-like paper that made the water wet and caused the dinosaurs to grow to Monstrous Proportions," said Dr. Teakles.

Scientists at UWO are jumping to recreate the UNB experiment but are still in negotiations to borrow Mr. Snuffles.  Until Western manages to prove otherwise, Fredericton residents will be rejoicing their good fortune.

In the words of one local woman, "I'm just glad I don't have to roll around in cardboard anymore to clean myself."  The gigantic foam dinosaurs are still on the loose.
 
 

 
 

Copyright 2000 The Upper Canada Chronicle