Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Famous Aries:  Fuzzy
You're going to take a night course examining the lyrics of Quiet Riot.  "Cum on feel the noize"?  Why is "cum" spelled like that?  Is there some sort of sexual double entendre?  What about "Girls rock your boys"?  Did they mean to say "fuck your boys"?  You will examine the societal impact of Quiet Riot.

Taurus: (April 20--May 20)
Famous Tauruses:  Ben
Hey, Taurus!  This is birthday season for you!  Happy birthday!  Do you ever feel like you're getting old, that the best years of your life are over and that it's all downhill from here?  Are you suffering from minor pain that you can't quite pinpoint?  Erectile dysfunction?  Man, that's too bad.  Maybe you should just end it all.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Famous Geminis:  Jenn, Rik, Lyne, Kevin, Wendy
After dieting like a madperson for several months, you will jump on a scale and find that you weigh just a fraction of what you did when you started.  Unfortunately that fraction is 5/4.

The UCC interrupts this regularly scheduled horoscope to inform you that our astrologer has quit.  Apparently he feels astology is a pile or horse shit and cannot in good conscience continue to provide useless fluff to the masses.  We will make every effort to find a new astrologer in time for the next issue, one who has fewer scruples.

The Editor.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

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