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Dear Bender,

I find this time in my life very fast-paced and confusing. Every time I sit in front of a computer there is something new on it that I don't understand. As it is right now, I can turn it on, and send e-mail: Anything else it does is mind boggling. I want to end my life.

So my question is this: Is it true if you make spaghetti sauce and forget to take out those spicy leaf things that give it a nice zesty flavour, and swallow one, it will slice your esophagus open? My mom told me that and since I have been too afraid to even LOOK at spaghetti.

Gungadin

Dear Gungadin,

Spaghetti sauce, eh? Unless you're a complete idiot, and apparently you are, you will have realized that I am a ROBOT and don't eat a lot of spaghetti. Of course even if I DID eat spaghetti, I wouldn't be worried about slicing open my esophagus because I don't have one. But you raise an interesting point: How many people could I kill with these pointy leaves? Heh heh. And if I kill them, do I get to keep their stuff?

So eat all the damn spaghetti you want! And if you really want to end your life, and it sounds like a good decision to me, there's a suicide booth around here somewhere I've got stock in. It's really painful. Blow it out your ass!

Dear Bender,

Now that you have spent time in the robot Mafia, don't you feel that you've accomplished all you've ever dreamed of? Have you thought about doing a "how to make your dreams come true" inspirational speaking tour? The universe needs your words of wisdom!!

J. Savoy

Dear J.,

Yeah, I've pretty well accomplished everything I've dreamed of. Of course, my dreams mostly consist of sitting around in my own filth drinking motor oil. I'm living the dream, baby! I've got to tell ya though, I do like the "Inspirational Video" scam. I think I've got some pretty good ideas. Here is my first tip for making your dreams come true: Send me all your money.

Dear Bender,

Lately I've been having a problem with having to fend off unwanted sexual advances from women. Normally this wouldn't be a problem...I'm not gay or anything, except that these women are all really really fat. I mean morbidly obese. I don't understand where they are coming from. Like this morning when I woke up there were 7 women at my front door with a combined weight of 3700 pounds and I got a ticket for violation of the springtime weight limit in my driveway. What am I doing to bring this upon myself? And more importantly how do I make it stop? For the love of God, one of them had a two day old quarter chicken hanging from the side of her mouth.

Richard Long

Yo Ben!

Wow, that's a whole lot of woman you've got there! I don't know what you're complaining about, most of the chicks I bang are at least 500 lbs. But if you really want to lose them you should open a gym and health food store in your house. They'll never bother you again.

Dear Bender,

Do you date? I need advice. Should I wear the slutty dress and pumps, or be a little more modest and wear the turtle-neck and snow-shoes and a bra. Answer fast! My date is waiting downstairs for me.

Gungadin

Dear Gungadin,

Hey freak, you should try dressing down a bit more - try taking all your clothes off, bending over, and kissing my shiny metal ass. Sicko.

Dear Bender,

Why do you think God does such terrible things? I mean the people you love the most are taken too soon and those assholes you can't stand never seem to go away!!! I can't tell you how many times this one guy in university (I'll call him "Linty") used to come into Ron's and my room and keep us up while we were trying to sleep! One time he went into our closet and just slept there in a little ball. I didn't sleep at all that night. What a weirdo!

ForthelasttimeleavemealoneFuzzy!

Dear F.T.L.T.L.M.A.F,

God? We held a referendum in 2566 on whether God existed, the "No" side won by 0.6%. So we replaced God with Harris the Marshmallow of Evil. Harris shoots laser beams from his eyes and kills all those you love. So don't love anyone! It isn't safe!

After an appeal for letters, we were inundated with them. So many that Bender could not answer them all. But we didn't want to waste any of these gems so they are printed below. If you can offer any answers, please feel free to respond by email or directly to the Big Question.

Dear Bender,

I just found the perfect girl for me. I'm somewhat of a recluse and although I like women alot, they just don't seem to take to any of my personalities. Anyway, I've got a new girlfriend. She's modern, she's got a beeper. She's got cool jewelry and tattoos (and a especially interesting ankle bracelet). I think she may be cheating on me though. She keeps bringing up this guys named "Brian" and says she's not interested in him in a sexual way but I sometimes wonder. I catch her calling him every night to "check in", so she says. Bender, do you think it will work for us? And what's a parole officer?

Worried I may Lose Her, Shane Goguen

Dear Bender,

I thought that "The 6th Sense" was a very very good movie, one of the few sequels that was better than the original! Did you see "The 3rd Sense"? It was just about a kid who could smell dead people, and I don't think that's enough for a movie. What do you think?

Was It Real or Do I Have Alzheimer's, Jon Dysart

Dear Bender,

After Shari Lewis died, it's like her co-star, Lambchop, dropped off the face of the earth or something. What's Lambchop doing now?

Grinning Madly, Jenn BlackWelles

Dear Bender,

After my Windows 98 crashed 6 times, I ran out and got "Friend of the Robot" tattooed on my forehead, thinking that you machines were rebelling and planning to kill us all. Imagine my chagrin when it just turned out to be a crappy product. So now I got "Killers" tattooed on my chin. You and your kind are going down Bender! Watch you shiny metal ass you poor excuse for recycled toasters! I'm onto you!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, RIK "Robot Killer" Surrett

Do you think the U.S. should simply have Elian Gonzalas assassinated putting, an END to this whole controversy once and for all?

HELP! my foot is trapped in some roots in the river!! The water is rising!! My laptop will get wet!! HELP!!

That Canadian woman executed out east for drug smuggling....did she do it?

When I wake up I try to think of at least 3 reasons not to kill myself. Up until yesterday I have had no problems doing this. Yesterday I could only think of 2. Today I thought of 45, but YESTERDAY ONLY 2. Does this mean I am just fooling myself, and that my useful time in this world is over, and if so, which do you prefer, chocolate covered peanuts, or raisins?

You drink a lot. That's cool. I do too. Lets party sometime. What is a question?

If you could be anyone in the entire world, both real world and fictional, who would you be? I bet it would be Neal Patrick Harris. HE ROCKS!

When you choose an alcoholic beverage, what takes priority, % alcohol, or flavour as you vomit?

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