10.  Get fitted for a ten gallon hat and huge belt buckle with "Dougie" written on it.

9.  Use insider information from his days as Minister of National Defence to score hisself a few hundred assault rifles and two tanks for his survivalist fort in northern Alberta.

8.  Say "Yeee  Haw!"  a whole lot more.

7.  Finally reveal his long hidden hatred of aboriginals.

6.  Add a burning barrel and several pink flamingos to his collection of lawn sculptures.

5.  Acknowledge that every time he uses French during a speech or debate he rushes home to wash his mouth out with soap.

4.  Begin referring to East Coat fishermen as "Sea Monkeys".

3.  Make a photocopy of his hand with the middle finger extended and fax it to Jean Chretien.

2.  Refuse to allow anyone on the New Brunswick toll highway that doesn't have a "You'll Get My Gun When You Pry It Out Of My Cold, Dead Hand" bumper sticker.

1.  Stop being so damn shy and finally say what he really feels.

 
 

Copyright 2000 The Upper Canada Chronicle