Chancellor denounces vile tyranny of evil foreign dogs; calls for peace
(January 6-May 4)
Dreams that find you naked and with a third arm will never come true
Bactrian Camel
(May 5-September 13)
You are very irritating when you are sober
Llama
(September 15-September 17)
Your favorate color is 3
Goldfish
(September 18-January 4)
All your horoscopes have been lies
2. He Did It for the Good of Skleenball
3. A Question of Bubbles
4. The Glory Days of Sexism
5. Gettin' Some at Party High
Chancellor Snyder then went on to speak of his hope for a peaceful outcome, and for good judgement and tranquility to prevail. Of the Friesland regime, he suggested that "their weakened gods force them to become timid to the prospect of submission to the rightness of justice."
The Supreme Chancellor then went on to describe the results of his ping pong match with Elder Minister Blackwell earlier that day, and then fielded questions. When asked what circumstances would provoke Pistrix to join the war effort against Friesland, the Chancellor stated that the alliance with Asturias would be activated if Friesland "attacks Asturian posessions or installations". According to the Pistrix Army Manual, these parameters cover anything from a direct assault on a Asturian army base, to looking at Asturian President Ledezma in an improper fashion.
Pistrix has been allied with the Republic of Asturias since the war against communist insurgents in Especias united the two countries in battle four years ago. Since then, Asturias has been a vocal opponent to non-democratic nations across the world, and has vocally opposed the rise of regimes in numerous countries, most particularly the socialist regime in control of Friesland. Asturias claims that that regime has seized control using barbarous tactics of assassinations and deadly pranks, and intends to invade other innocent countries to consolodate its nefarious power. The Frieslanders claim incorrectly, that these things are not true.
Chancellor Snyder vowed that whatever transpires, justice will be done. "The boots of righteousness will tread forever in the blood of villany, and we will not rest until every trace of their scum is erradicated from the face of the planet." Chancellor Snyder said. "Unless a peaceful settlement is reached, which, of course, we are all praying for."
2. "Splashing Tears of My Love" (Darth Bob and the Mellow Tones, The Gentle Nudge)
3. "Loving the Lunch that Smiles Back" (Electric Flavor, Hell Hath No Milkshakes)
4. "Polka Dot Pistrix" (Weird Al Yankovic, I Don't Exist in This Universe )
5. "Rappin' Around You" (Rap Master R & the Rappin' Rappers, Who's Rappin' Now?)
When was the last time every Minister voted in a SCM Session?
This Month's Answer:
There's never been one
1116- Famous scientist, Hugo Kern discovers the secret to immortality, but then dies of shock
1449- Bartenders required to post poison content in their drinks in taverns' restrooms
2. How to Be a Success by Reading This Book, Stanley Swell
3. Prostitution: An Oral History, Chauncey Biggins
4. Our Mighty Ocean, Part IV: Revenge of the Starfish, Duke Bold Publishing Learning Series
5. Confessions of an Emu Scratcher, Demo Moor
Pistrix: Land of degenerate sludge pots
Fool me once, purtid denizens of Pistrix, shame on you. Fool me twice, and your miserable corpses won't be worth the the toxic smoke that bellows from the smoldering pyre that will incinerate all that remains of your reprehensible society after all is said and done. You trudge around the earth, passing yourselves off as legitimate human beings, but fooling no one but your own feeble minds. You pretend to join civiliation in the cause of peace and harmony, and instead bring forth chaos and a desolate cultural emptyness that permedes the continent, and goes on to infect the world. You are like a stupid, mangey mongrel, swarming with ticks and lice, and other vermin, who walks into a hospital wearing an innane red cross hat, and a threadless broomstick attached to its tail, and professes its intent to clean up the burn ward. Instead of helping an already sensitive situation, which it is incapable of assisting in any meaningful way, it only makes matters much, much worse. So worse, in fact, that salvaging the situation may be impossible for any who know what they are doing. Indeed, those poor nations who must try vainly to pick up the pieces afterwards, must first dischage the service of tossing the mongrel into the pyre.
Tiger Trial verdict: "can you repeat the question?"
After a 14 month trial which featured three lawyer changes, four judge changes, a breathtaking marriage proposal by a lovestruck baliff, and countless maulings, the case against a Kanjiri Tiger placed on trial for inciting a riot at a Skleenball match over 5 years ago, has finally been placed in the hands of the jury. The group in question is an all-human jury, which replaced the all-tiger "jury of peers" for "Yohei", the feline defendant, due to an unfortunate outbreak of a rare strand of tiger syphillis in the previous jury pool. This human jury deliberated for 17 hours before returning to Judge Suredoubt's courtroom to deliver their verdict. Or so everyone thought.
As it turns out, the jury reluctantly admitted that each of them had lost interest in the trial several months ago, and had not been paying any attention to the case in nearly a full year. They then politely asked that they replay the entire trial over again, or perhaps if someone would simply give them the jist of it.
A furious Judge Suredoubt charged the entire jury with contempt of court, and each jury member must now stand trial on their own over the next few months to answer this charge. Meanwhile, selection for a third jury is underway for the Tiger Trial, so that it may be rerun. No word on whether the jury will consist of tigers or humans.
"Lord of the Ankle Bracelet" - Why is my epic myopic?
The classic novel, "Lord of the Ankle Bracelet", is a staple in even the most casual reader's library. The epic tale, written by the fameous mathematician Yalton Jay Slumbervelt, was the genesis of several genres at the same time. It created the medeval fantasy genre, with the mythical races we all recognize, like the graceful, immortal walrusmen, and the short, stubborn smurfs. It also created the the whole notion of the trilogy, as both the main book, and its two ensuing spinoffs wrapped the entire story into one mammoth tale of adventure and drama. Finally, it created the genre of enchanted jewelery causing people to second guess their mathmatical skills, and thus doubt their own humanity. Slumbervelt originally intended the novel to be a parable about showing your work on aritmatic problems, but it steamrolled into a literary movement that continues to gain momentum, even today, 88 years after the first book came out.
Now, through the use of modern movie magic, and the ambitious vision of director Greed Brightlinger, Lord of the Ankle Bracelet has come to life on the big screen. Its seamless special effects, gorgeous locales, and brilliant acting go to great lengths in this movie, to satisfy even the strictest, hard core, antisocial LOTAB fan out there. And it very nearly comes to the brink of being a modern-day classic.
But there is one minute, yet critical flaw in this near masterpiece - the entire movie was shot slightly out of focus. At first, it is barely distinguisgable, and in fact almost adds to the dramatic ambience of the film. But as time goes on, we can see that any person, place or thing on camera that is not looming directly in front of us, is a bit too fuzzy. Two and a half hours into the film, it is all the audience can think about. With a film this otherwise brilliantly crafted, it is a terrible shame, like having dinner with a gorgeous supermodel who has a booger dangling precariously from her nose all night.
The reason behind the critical gaffe, is due to the fact that the director and the head cameraman were both nearsighted, and they both accidently mixed up thier eyeglasses with prop glasses from a differend production on the first day of shooting. This acutally resulted in a few other off set mishaps as well for them, as director Brightlinger inadvertently had a six month affair with a woman who vaguely looke like his wife, and his cameraman, Josh Leavings, mistook a local Brianton church for a men's room, and befouled the pipe organ in front of several stunned parishiners.
To all who have swarmed to see the movie, and who will likely do the same when its sequels come out shortly, there is a sense of awe, mixed mournfully with cries of "focus!"
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Not as Bad as It Seems