Chancellor denounces vile tyranny of evil foreign dogs; calls for peace
Chancellor Snyder then went on to speak of his hope for a peaceful outcome, and for good judgement and tranquility to prevail. Of the Friesland regime, he suggested that "their weakened gods force them to become timid to the prospect of submission to the rightness of justice."
The Supreme Chancellor then went on to describe the results of his ping pong match with Elder Minister Blackwell earlier that day, and then fielded questions. When asked what circumstances would provoke Pistrix to join the war effort against Friesland, the Chancellor stated that the alliance with Asturias would be activated if Friesland "attacks Asturian posessions or installations". According to the Pistrix Army Manual, these parameters cover anything from a direct assault on a Asturian army base, to looking at Asturian President Ledezma in an improper fashion.
Pistrix has been allied with the Republic of Asturias since the war against communist insurgents in Especias united the two countries in battle four years ago. Since then, Asturias has been a vocal opponent to non-democratic nations across the world, and has vocally opposed the rise of regimes in numerous countries, most particularly the socialist regime in control of Friesland. Asturias claims that that regime has seized control using barbarous tactics of assassinations and deadly pranks, and intends to invade other innocent countries to consolodate its nefarious power. The Frieslanders claim incorrectly, that these things are not true.
Chancellor Snyder vowed that whatever transpires, justice will be done. "The boots of righteousness will tread forever in the blood of villany, and we will not rest until every trace of their scum is erradicated from the face of the planet." Chancellor Snyder said. "Unless a peaceful settlement is reached, which, of course, we are all praying for."
Pistrix: Land of degenerate sludge pots
Fool me once, purtid denizens of Pistrix, shame on you. Fool me twice, and your miserable corpses won't be worth the the toxic smoke that bellows from the smoldering pyre that will incinerate all that remains of your reprehensible society after all is said and done. You trudge around the earth, passing yourselves off as legitimate human beings, but fooling no one but your own feeble minds. You pretend to join civiliation in the cause of peace and harmony, and instead bring forth chaos and a desolate cultural emptyness that permedes the continent, and goes on to infect the world. You are like a stupid, mangey mongrel, swarming with ticks and lice, and other vermin, who walks into a hospital wearing an innane red cross hat, and a threadless broomstick attached to its tail, and professes its intent to clean up the burn ward. Instead of helping an already sensitive situation, which it is incapable of assisting in any meaningful way, it only makes matters much, much worse. So worse, in fact, that salvaging the situation may be impossible for any who know what they are doing. Indeed, those poor nations who must try vainly to pick up the pieces afterwards, must first dischage the service of tossing the mongrel into the pyre.
Tiger Trial verdict: "can you repeat the question?"
After a 14 month trial which featured three lawyer changes, four judge changes, a breathtaking marriage proposal by a lovestruck baliff, and countless maulings, the case against a Kanjiri Tiger placed on trial for inciting a riot at a Skleenball match over 5 years ago, has finally been placed in the hands of the jury. The group in question is an all-human jury, which replaced the all-tiger "jury of peers" for "Yohei", the feline defendant, due to an unfortunate outbreak of a rare strand of tiger syphillis in the previous jury pool. This human jury deliberated for 17 hours before returning to Judge Suredoubt's courtroom to deliver their verdict. Or so everyone thought.
As it turns out, the jury reluctantly admitted that each of them had lost interest in the trial several months ago, and had not been paying any attention to the case in nearly a full year. They then politely asked that they replay the entire trial over again, or perhaps if someone would simply give them the jist of it.
A furious Judge Suredoubt charged the entire jury with contempt of court, and each jury member must now stand trial on their own over the next few months to answer this charge. Meanwhile, selection for a third jury is underway for the Tiger Trial, so that it may be rerun. No word on whether the jury will consist of tigers or humans.
"Lord of the Ankle Bracelet" - Why is my epic myopic?
The classic novel, "Lord of the Ankle Bracelet", is a staple in even the most casual reader's library. The epic tale, written by the fameous mathematician Yalton Jay Slumbervelt, was the genesis of several genres at the same time. It created the medeval fantasy genre, with the mythical races we all recognize, like the graceful, immortal walrusmen, and the short, stubborn smurfs. It also created the the whole notion of the trilogy, as both the main book, and its two ensuing spinoffs wrapped the entire story into one mammoth tale of adventure and drama. Finally, it created the genre of enchanted jewelery causing people to second guess their mathmatical skills, and thus doubt their own humanity. Slumbervelt originally intended the novel to be a parable about showing your work on aritmatic problems, but it steamrolled into a literary movement that continues to gain momentum, even today, 88 years after the first book came out.
Now, through the use of modern movie magic, and the ambitious vision of director Greed Brightlinger, Lord of the Ankle Bracelet has come to life on the big screen. Its seamless special effects, gorgeous locales, and brilliant acting go to great lengths in this movie, to satisfy even the strictest, hard core, antisocial LOTAB fan out there. And it very nearly comes to the brink of being a modern-day classic.
But there is one minute, yet critical flaw in this near masterpiece - the entire movie was shot slightly out of focus. At first, it is barely distinguisgable, and in fact almost adds to the dramatic ambience of the film. But as time goes on, we can see that any person, place or thing on camera that is not looming directly in front of us, is a bit too fuzzy. Two and a half hours into the film, it is all the audience can think about. With a film this otherwise brilliantly crafted, it is a terrible shame, like having dinner with a gorgeous supermodel who has a booger dangling precariously from her nose all night.
The reason behind the critical gaffe, is due to the fact that the director and the head cameraman were both nearsighted, and they both accidently mixed up thier eyeglasses with prop glasses from a differend production on the first day of shooting. This acutally resulted in a few other off set mishaps as well for them, as director Brightlinger inadvertently had a six month affair with a woman who vaguely looke like his wife, and his cameraman, Josh Leavings, mistook a local Brianton church for a men's room, and befouled the pipe organ in front of several stunned parishiners.
To all who have swarmed to see the movie, and who will likely do the same when its sequels come out shortly, there is a sense of awe, mixed mournfully with cries of "focus!"
Lepers, Monkeys press for autonomy
Earlier in the week, a radio communique was recieved from Glorious City, a small leper colony on an island just off the coast of Hateburg. The communique has decreed that Glorious City's intent to declare independence from Pistrix. The leper colony has a population of about 250 inflicted souls, who were deposited on the island 35 years ago by the Dual-Emperors for "their own good", and has remained in contact with Pistrix ever since. The government seems unwilling to allow the tiny colony to break away from the Republic, due primarily to the nation's dependance on the small island's only export, dead skin, which the Pistrix Lottery uses on its popular scratcher game cards. "Without it," Lottery Commissioner Ernie Drib says, "Ticket buyers will be forced to know immediately that they lost ... if they lost."
Meanwhile, reports come from the army encampment around the monkey-infested city of New Phalisor, that contact may have been made with the primate inhabitants of that town. The city, which was overrun with the escaped monkeys from local Pistek Laboratories several years ago, has reportely made contact with the surrounding army forces assigned to contain the infestation via telegraph. The monkeys have proportedly formed a dissolution committee, and have voted to apply for Commonwwealth status.
The Chancellor's Office has yet to respond to these petitions for seperation, but it's expected that Supreme Chancellor Snyder will rebuff the would-be seccesionists later in the week when he speaks at the national chicken ranchers conference in Boldgrad. Meanwhile, army officials around New Phalisor prepare to crack down on the primate partisans by launching a propoganda campaign directed at the monkey controlled city. Residents of Hateburg, on the other hand, are fearful that the Glorious City inhabitants are forming a leper army to conquer the mainland. Local residents are forming surrender patrols to quell any potential resistance to such an invasion by less cowardly citizens. Finally, National Network Broadcasting Company has started a contest to design what the new countries' national flag, anthem, flower, motto and bird should be. The winners will be "deported" for an all-expense paid vacation to Squishyville Theme Park for a week.
Merriweather charges Mack with tunes theivery
Rivalry between two recording artists has turned to a sour note, literally. Folk singer Roscoe Merriweather filed charges against rural music star Burt Mack for plagurism and murder. While the murder counts are likely to be dropped, as Merriweather himself said that he just threw that one in because he was "so durned ticked off", the Pistrix courts are looking into his legitimate charge that Mack's latest album, Rehabin' a Good Time, is really an unauthorized remix of Merriweather's classic bestselling album, Detox of the Town. Several of Mack's songs, Merriweather says, are simply reworked versions of his own hits, including Cryin' in my Motor Oil, and Everybody was Bar Room Fighting. His lawyers are asking for 95% of the royalties from the album, and three of Mack's fingers as compensation.
Meanwhile, powerful political forces have come into play. Chancellor Snyder, a close friend of Merriweather, ordered PIBB agents to raid Mack's Morcok Ranch Estate, looking for clues. During the search, the ranch mysteriously burned down, which PIBB Chief Cyrus Hornswaggle attributes to his accusation that Mack is a communist who likes to burn his own home down. Burt Mack, meanwhile, has called on his political ally, Minister Logan Blackwell to come to his aid. Minister Logan promises a "swift and brutal revenge" against all who stand against him, or his casual acquaintances.
Tiger Trial set to begin in "Media Circus"
The Kanjiri Tiger who, three years ago started a riot in Pistra Stadium during the middle of a Skleenball match, is finally ready to stand trial under the then-new directive stating that animals should be held accountable for their crimes, just as humans are. The tiger, named Yohei, appeared for arraignment shortly after the incident, and his lawyer, Rufus T. Dingleswythe, insisted that Yohei have the right to a trial by jury. More specifically, a jury of his peers. The primary reason for the three year delay in the trial is the rounding up of necessary participants. Over two of those years was spent rounding up and sequestering twelve Kanjiri tiger to act as the Jury, as well as animal trainers for them. This accomplished, the trial was set to begin late last year, but it was soon realized that none of the tigers, the defendant or the jury, could comprehend the humans as they carried out the trial. The past year has been spent collecting thirteen animal psychics, one for each tiger participating in the trial, to interpret the court case as it unfolds. With the baker's dozen tiger cages, animal trainers, animal psychics, legal counsuls for the psychics, as well as the prosecution and defense teams, Judge Oliver Gunhouse has a packed courtroom to deal with.
"Pistrix Stood Still" goes nowhere, fast
The Day that Pistrix Stood Still opens up the end of season rejects that the studios hope we will like, just because all of the better movies have all ready been out for at least a month. What was a promising storyline was ruined by a sedated cast and a director who seemed to lazy to ever say "cut". It's about how the entire country is paused, that is, nobody does anything and nothing happens, while time continues as normal for the rest of the world. Apparently, the filmmakers thought that this meant that all of the characters should stand around in front of a motionless camera, and stare at each other blankly for 90 minutes. Yes, occasionally it does cut away to closeups of the main character running around with a worried expression on her face, but other than that, there's nothing for us to enjoy. The source of the mass time freezing is never really explored, nor is the reason why the main character is unaffected by it. By the end of the movie, the characters we relate to are the motionless ones, who are clearly getting tired of holding the same pose for minutes at a time. At one point, the main character stands in front of the bus stop giving a very long-winded soliluqy (which contains the words "What's going on?" 7 times), and at the end, she races off screen, just as we see an extra in the background start to fall over, as he was forced to hold the very awkward position of waving off-balance as he boaded the bus. A quick cut away is supposed to help us ignore the gaffe, but in fact, by this time in the movie, we long to see so much action.
Army developing anti-communist ray gun to shoot at other countries
This weapon, presumably to suppliment Supreme Chancellor Snyder's Kwasinan Declaration to erradicate communism across the continent, would apparently fire a large energy beam from a concealed complex, out into space, at a reflective mirror in orbit, which would redirect the energy beam back down towards a specified nation, presumably a communist one, and either erradicate the entire population, or give them superhuman strength. Determining which would happen is obviously one of the factors that must be determined during the developmental stage.
Anti-war officials and activists from the pacifist organization known as the "Sissy Faction" are denouncing the killer/super-powere-bestowing ray gun as "diabolic" in its intent. Sissy Faction spokesperson Arty McFeel told reporters, "The day that Pistrix can destroy any nation with the push of a button is the day that Pistrix gains unstoppable power! Can we allow our people, who have been raised on self-denial and acquiesence to gain such authority?"
Others are not so distraught at this potential super weapon. Some, like cartoon commercial editor Lance Streebek say that this ray gun would be a good thing for Pistrix to have. "I'm all for such a thing!" Streebek announced during a church service. "Who wouldn't want the opportunity to salughter all his enemies in an instant?"
Despites speculation and controversy from both sides, the Pistrix Armed Forces denies that research on the weapon is even in the works. In a statement released today, the Pistrix army suggests that The Defender's source's source's source, was probably looking at some comic book sitting on the table in the waiting lounge at some army base, and assumed that the daring adventures of Captain Proton were part of some classified army documents. While the 4th party's information is remarkably similar to last month's issue of Captain Proton, it may still be some elaboraty coverup by the Pistran military.
Census reveals poor counting skills
The Department of Meaningless Surveys (DMS) finally announced the results of the census which began over a year ago. At a news conference yesterday, DMS Director Bob Huggingsworth announced the Pistrix's population had shrunk significantly, from nearly 37 million inhabitants to a total of only 17 people.
This proclamation brought a wave of shock and confusion throughout the press room. When asked to clarify that statistic, Director Huggingsworth reiterated that the current population of Pistrix was indeed 17. After several moments, one reporter reluctantly asked how that could be, considering there were at least 30 people present at that very news conference. After huffing about the podium for nearly five minutes, Director Huggingsworth angrily threw his half-eaten toaster pastry at the inquiring reporter, and stomped out of the press room.
After the news conference, reporters recieved a memorandum stating that due to some minor operational errors, the Pistrix Census would be redone, and to disregard the information they had just received.
Smarmington Police report bribes are down
The Smarmington Police Department, rated 4th amongst the most coorupt police departments in Pistrix by the publication Organized Crime Weekly, has announded that they have seen a steady decrease in bribe money the last severeal months. While on the surface, this announcement seems welcome, it must be reiterated that SPD is in fact complaining that the quantity of the bribes they are receiveing are becoming smaller and smaller, as violators are offering less nowadays for officers to look the other way.
The notice comes, not from official police department channels, but from a group of officers on the force petitioning for potential bribers to raise their rates. When confronted with the list, Police Chief Dovey Bungalow insisted that the police department was as "clean as a baby's bottom". When asked what action would be taken against the 58 police officers who openly signed the public petition, Chief Bungalow stated that they could not be charged with anything, as they are merely complaining about the prices of bribe money, not admitting to taking bribes, insisting that the officers probably were speaking hypothetically.
WAR IS FAIRLY ON!!!
Pistrix Army joins allied forces in full-scale invasion
Military forces from the cities of Yaga, Rezac and Smarmington spearheaded the coordinated invasion of West Especias early yesterday, as Pistrix gets its first taste of foreign blood (metaphorically). The early portions of the invasion were called "astounding" by many who witnessed the early hours of the attack, beginning with a cerimonial gesture, as 8,000 Pistran soldiers simoltaniously stepped over the border at the same time. This accomplished, they immediately sprinted towards the nearest large city in the region, Marconas Lareza. After a glorious battle against armed communist troops, the city was taken, and is currently occupied by the Pistrix Army.
There is no word yet on casualties, but according to Army spokesman Gen. Harry Syllabus, "nobody important has been killed yet." Gen. Syllabus went on to declare that defeat was imminent, later clarifying that he meant it was so for the enemy, not for Pistrix.
Meanwhile, a different kind of battle is taking place at the Military Command Headquarters in downtown Rezac. There is a heated debate as to what is to be the codename for the operation. Uber-General Marty Sinsatan, head of the conquest operations, prefers the name "Operation: Angry Porcupine", while Chancellor's Air Corps commander, Maj. General Bob Thale suggests "Operation: Deadly Death Blow", and several general staff members are pushing for "Operation: Ugly Spider". It is feared, that perhaps the war will be over before it is given a proper codename, and greedy historians will come up with their own.
Still, Pistrans' hearts are lighter today, and the step of every Pistran war monger is springier, as the Republic of Pistrix has found its non-local enemy, ensured that it was stronger than them, and soundly thrashed them.
Darth Bob named violence chief
A Grade-A panel, appointed by the Supreme Chancellor, has nominated Supreme Council Member and Uber-General Darth Bob to head the Department of Violent Operations in the War Ministry. The new department was created to help organize the random and sporatic fits of violence by and near the Pistran Army, where ever it is found. Many inhabitants of army-controlled towns, such as Brianton, The Moe, Loganbury and Darth Bob's own provence of Yaga have frequently complained of unwarrented noogies, rowdieness, public spankings, horseplay and "human tenderizing" by army troops towards citizens. Furthermore, while the soldiers of those regions are meant to be keeping order, some suggest that they commonly look the other way when even the most blatent crimes are committed right before their eyes.
Minister Bob pledges to bring order to these random acts and vows that violence will soon be portioned out "evenly and efficiently" in those cities and in cities across Pistrix.
Idiot hopes war rekindles intrest in crappy website
Can a war bolster lagging interest in a pointless, third-rate website run by some geek who craves attention and has nothing better to do? "Yes!" says Mike Gregory of Boldgrad, creater of the internet site called "Hankering for Fun". The web page has been online for over a year now, and many visitors have come to see the site's fractured take on society and recent events. Many have become fans of some of the page's features, such as "The Smile Bordello" and "Silly Things I Thought Of" links, where Gregory makes humorous observations about life and the world around him. Still, Intrest as waned and its fanbase has steadily dropped, as the material starts to become stale and the novelty of the page wears down. It seems nobody cares about what Mike has to say anymore.
But with the comming of a new and ghastly war, Hankering may once again find itself the center of attention to web heads with a warped sense of reality, and who are too cowardly to shoulder a weapon for their country. His hilarious insights into the crisis and ensuing conflict leave many laughting at the absurdity of organized goverment, and leave many longing for "the good old days of anarchy and oppression."
Hankering for Fun may indeed be back, and if all it takes is war to revitalize the attention span of its thought-numbed internet viewers, then perhaps its many advertisers will continue to support the communist-sympathizing drug dealer who operates it.
'The Splendid Seventeen' is Good
'The Splendid Seventeen' is the best movie of the season, however it's not without its flaws. The action is exciting and the character development is rich and interesting. The movie takes it's time to fully develop each character and their own personal drama which plays behind the backdrop of this medievel adventure story ... of all seventeen of the heroes that is. Backstory and character development eats up the majority of the movie. While it's well done, it can be a bit disarming if you're not prepared for it. After the introduction of the heroes, there's still their closest friends, archrivals, girlfriends, mistresses, mentors, and butlers. In total, forty-six additional characters are interwoven throughout the film. While each is given a personal backstory and motivation for being in the story, it can be confusing as the adrenaline-pounding action scenes takes place, especially since all the characters wear identical gray uniforms and have beards. Perhaps this movie is a reflex against all the character-void movies that have been released in Pistran theaters in the last few years? But despite these flaws, 'The Splendid Seven' is an entertaining and exciting film. The story would have benefited from some "selective focus", but the plot (which, after all the backstory is finished, amounts to all the heroes walking next door and attacking their villainous neighbors) is still better than anything else out now.
Nuclear Weapons said to have "gone off" in CRV
International correspondants have noted that a civil war in the Central Republic of Venda has taken an "unfortuante" turn. It seems that nuclear weapons have exploded within that nation, possibly killing hundreds of thousands of people. While The Department of Diplomacy cannot confirm or deny this report, they insist it has nothing to do with the current war with Especian comminists, as Venda is on the other side of the world. When asked about Pistrix's nuclear capabilities, the Pistrix Armed Forces representative noted, with some regret, that Pistrix had not nuclear weapons program. He also stated that "we are optimistic that the comminists do not have nuclear missles either.", He also noted that if they did, it was a little too late to start worrying about it, as the desperate communist terrorists, nearing defeat, would surely be using them on Pistrix any second now. Government officials stress that citizens are not to worry, and should continue to spend money, as the a strong economy is the best shield against whatever the communists fire at us.
ARMY MOBILIZES AS PISTRIX HURDLES TOWARDS WAR
Asturias recently announced its independence as a democratic republic, but has serious problems with communist dissidents revolting in their southern region. Information obtained by democratic East Especias on thier communist neighbors to the west indicate that not only were the communist West Especians supplying the dissidents, but were schemeing to kill the Asturian President.
Chancellor Snyder called the West Especians' actions "reprehensible", and vowed to take measures to stop their alledged plans to invoke a socialist revolution on the continent of Kwasina. After dispatching to Asturias Gen. Dimitri Caglio, the direct descendant to legendary Pistran hero Orrin Caglio, Chancellor Snyder announced intense flight patrols near the border of West Especias, massive military buildup in the region, and granted the Asturian air force permission to use Pistran air space to fly combat missions into the the communist-held territory. Soon after, Caglio, a general in the Pistran Army, signed a mutual defense pact, pledging for Pistrix and Asturias to defend each other in the event of invasion, and paving the road towards a full military alliance between the two powers.
Besides Pistrix and Asturias, democratic East Especias has severed all diplomatic ties with thier communist former countrymen, and Sunamia have also moved towards joining a coalition of free nations in defiance of the terrorism who's source is the communist regime. Other countries, such as Taleoc and Zirkae have become alarmed by the rapid deterioration of the diplomatic situation, and are calling for a negotiatied settlement to curb the threat of war. However, an unnamed source from the Department of Diplomacy calls that option unlikely. Meanwhile, Pistrix waits, and holds its collective breath, as a new and sudden war looms on the horizon to the south.
This time, enemy not from within, but from without
The dramatic turn of events to the south have taken nearly everyone in Pistrix by surprise. Not because our country has been lulled into a false sense of peace and tranquility, but because it did not occur to most Pistrans that trouble could come from a foreign power.
Pistrix's armed forces are nearly as large as they were when the Fifth Civil War ended five years ago. Why? Have we just not gotten around to demobilizing the army since there was no longer a need for a massive fighting force? Did we anticipate an aggresor nation might attempt to conquer us following the establishment of the Republic? Did we enjoy paying the massive quantities of mercury to equip, train and maintain a colossal, expensive army which we seldom used?
No, the true reason Pistrix's army is still so large, is because it is divided under the control of regional barons and administrators who still don't quite trust one another. Old rivalries that predate even the Dual-Emperorship continue to foster an atmosphere of mistrust between regional leaders and even Supreme Council members. Indeed, most expected that the next armed conflict Pistrix would have to endure would be a Sixth Civil War. Let's face it, fighting eachother is really what we do best. But now, for really the first time, we have a foreign enemy whom we can all set aside our differences and fight. Perhaps we, as Pistrans may finally experience elusive unity created by a common enemy.
Security concerns hinder Supreme Council
As the Pistrix government prepares for possible conflict with communist terrorists, new security concerns are brought to light. The Chancellor and Elder Minister Blackwell postponed the Sixth Supreme Council Session scheduled to begin this weekend, however, Minister Blackwell called for an emergencey session shortly thereafter to determine the Supreme Council's response to the Kwasinan crisis. When asked how the emergency session would be more secure than the regular SCM session when it would be held at the same time, Minister Blackwell declined to comment.
Meanwhile, regional army commanders have sealed the border with both West and East Especias, including closing access to the Kwasinan Road, connecting Pistrix to the friendly democratic government of East Especias. Army spokesman Gen. Lance Grubb said the move was in light of the communists use of terrorist cells, and the Chancellor did not want any such criminals entering Pistrix.
In addition, the Chancellor has ordered the lockdown of all three major civilian airports in the country. Anorak Airport in the captial, Imperial Airport in Port Allegro, and Squishy Skies Airport in Squishyville have all been closed until further notice.
Speculators ponder what war would do to the flegling shrimp industry
While the nations of Kwasina brace for confilct, a deeper question permedes the denizens of Plankton City- what is to become of the shrimp industry? The shrimp market has been fluctuation for many months, and local shrimpers are worried that current instabilities will further deepen people's trepidation about buying seafood. With the town's scant garrison moving south to join most of the Pistran army along the Especian border, many townspeople are in a panic. Their fear? Pirates. While pirates haven't been seen anywhere near Plankton City for over 300 years, some citizens are worried that they have just been biding their time, presumably for generations, for the opportunity to plunder the small fishing town of whatever booty is forthcoming. Still, the Pistrix Armed Forces insists that there is 'no threat whatsoever" of pirates or anyone else threatening Plankton City by sea. The Pistrix Navy is patrolling the waters in the region, and stands ready to assist in case of any attack. Meanwhile, some merchants are celebrating the coming of war, and expect a boom in shrimp sales to the government. "An army needs soldiers," says shrimpmonger Constance Huxstable "and soldiers will want food that reminds them of home. And what would remind a lonely soldier more of the home he longs to return to than a big bucket of shrimp?" Huxstable recently purchased a large styrofoam statue of himself in anticipation of the many lucrative army shrimp contracts he expects to recieve by the end of the week. Others, like first mate of the fishing sloop "Spunky", disagree. "If there's one thing you can be sure of in war, it's financial instability for perishables in the open market. Oh, and people usually die, too."
Grand Marquis de Brianton driven from power by peasant revolt
Supreme Council Minister Grand Marquis de Brianton has been overthrown in his barony by a rebellion of much of his destitute subjects. The region which has been under his control for nearly 20 years is located in the extreme western portion of Pistrix, and is centered around the ancient stronghold city of Brianton.
Troubles for the Grand Marquis began when he instituted his newest directive last month, the Peon Act, declaring that all citizens within his jurisdiction would be required to vote as he ordered them to in future supreme chancellorship elections. The peasants of Brianton, already beseiged with numerous restrictions on liberties, finally snapped under the weight of the Grand Marquis apparent oppression, and organized an impromptu revolt on the Marquis' home, the Chateau de Brianton.
Unfortunately for the Supreme Council member, his personal guards were also disgruntled at that time, due to his order two months before to have tatoos of his visage permanantly placed on their foreheads with the words, "My Master" arched over it. The well-armed guards did not hinder the unruly mob, armed only with torches and pitchforks, and many in fact, joined the peasants in sweeping through the ancient home looking for the tyrant.
But Brianton was nowhere to be found. Apparently he had slipped out of the chateau when he heard the ruckus, and reportedly fled to the nearby stable, where he had hidden a rocket sled underneath some hay for a quick escape. He bolted off into the countryside, and is presumed to have crossed the border into Albanaudh.
With the ousting of the Grand Marquis from power in Brianton, there is a distinct power vacuum in the region, and tensions have mounted there significantly. As anarchy reigns in the region, most believe that one of Brianton's two brothers, Elder Minister Nathan Blackwell or Minister Logan Blackwell will fill the void in the barony. Tensions continue to escalate, as the feuding house of Darkwill may erupt yet again into conflict. Meanwhile, as the Grand Marquis has apparently fled the country, his seat on the Supreme Council of Ministers will be vacated.
Riotous tiger to get fair trial
The Kanjiri tiger that alledgedly started a near riot when he escaped during a skleenball match last month at Pistra Staioum in Anorak will be placed on trial. The ruling came down from the Pistrix High Court in Anorak when animal activist groups protested that the jungle cat was to be imprisoned at the new Monster Island Animal Penitentiary (not to be confused with his previous residence, Batson Zoo). Under the new law passed by the Supreme Council in the last session, all criminal animals will be incarcerated in specially built "animal prisons" instead of zoos, kennels or other normal habitats. The Society against Unlawful Cruelty of Animals (SUCA) argues that animals that can be charged with crimes must have the right to a fair trial, as any other citizen. The High Court, after two weeks of deliberations, ruled that the tiger named "Yohei" technically met the citizenship requirements (he resided in the country for at least 5 years and the zoo paid his taxes regularly), and therefore had the right of due process. Now, the state must hold a trial for the tiger and must present its case that the tiger is indeed guilty of one count of subversion, one count of tresspassing, three counts of property damage and one count of inciting a riot. The arraignment is set to begin tomorrow, and jury selection should begin in a few weeks.
New census expected to be more accurate
The Chancellor's Office announced yesterday that there would be a new census taken for the Republic of Pistrix in order to update the nation's statistical information to be judged more accurately. The last census was taken only 6 years ago, during the final stages of the fifth Civil War, but is considered to be wholly inaccurate, as all that was required for census takers was for all citizens to go to the nearest window at the predetermined time and yell out "Here!" .
Chancellor Snyder indends to take a somewhat more scientific approach to the census, allowing citizens to be counted online, as opposed to having someone burst into thier living rooms one night and count the occupants, as was the traditional method of census taking during the Dual Emperors' regime.
Rumors indicate that there may be some members of the Supreme Council of Ministers, who do not approve of the potential effecivness of the Chancellor's proposed census. There is some specualtion that there may be a "counter-census" placed on the ballot for the Sixth Session of the SCM, to be held soon. Elder Minister Nathan Blackwell would not comment on any potential directives to be placed on the upcoming ballot.
In the meantime, the Chancellor's Census begins, and the arduous task of taking a national attendance falls upon the Department of Meaningless Surveys (DMS) to compile the current number of Pistrans and their demographical statistics.
Timesweeping will "sweep you away", leaving other time-traveling movies "in the dust." Hehe.
The premise of "Timesweeping" is not new: Heroes discover a magical broom that gives them, with enough sweeping vigor, the ability to time travel. I know, it seem like every time travel movie lately is a clone of the last one, defined by the genre-busting "Broomin' To The Past." But what makes "Timesweeping" different is that the heroes have no real set agenda or crisis. And where as in most of these Broom-Time-Travel movies the protagonists are elderly men or women, "Timesweeping" breathes new life to the genre by making their heroes sassy and hip teenagers. The three characters kidnap (and occassionally kill) important historical figures, drastically alter the timeline, and essentially ruin everything we've known about history for no apparent reason ... and I loved every minute of it! And just when you think the 'heroes' (if you can call them that, I won't give it away but it has something to do with Princess Jura) are going to return everything to normal, setting the timeline straight, they leave with a bunch of aliens to another universe where "people really know how to party." I know it makes no sense, but you'll love every minute of it, I guarentee. I also have a sneaky feeling like a catch-phrase from the movie ("Cripes, I forgot to read the instructions!") will soon enter our pop-lingo.
E.Z. Yesmann
Guest Film Critic
Nothing Important Happens All Month
In a bizarre turn of events, nothing of any significance happens (or will happen) in Pistrix this month.
Snyder weilds power of the Chancellorship following SCM Session
In his first official act as Supreme Chancellor, Dino Snyder pardoned a turtle dealer convicted of misappropriation. Some say this act has set the tone for his new administration, but few can specualte how.
What can bee seen is that Chancellor Snyder is coming out hard with his views, and isn't afraid to exercise the powers of his office. In a speech to the Supreme Council of Ministers following the conclusion of their Fifth Session, Snyder made a number of stunning announcements. He first announced his formation of a new governmental enforcement and intelligence organization, the Pistrix Internal Security Team (PIST). The PIST is proposed to provide greater security and order to the governmental agencies, allowing for more effective use of governmental offices without excessive corruption or information leaks. To those who have charged that Chancellor Snyder is forming a secret police, Snyder responded, "What secret? I'm announcing it right now. Weren't you listening?"
Next, the Supreme Chancellor announced that he intends to veto the passed Directive 76. The directive, calling for an Alien Preparation Task Force meant to prepare Pistrix for eventual first contact and possible enslavement by any extraterrestrial visitors, was opposed by the Supreme Chancellor on constitutional grounds. Stating that the Chancellor's Office was clearly in control of the military, according to the Pistrix Constitution, and thus any such task force created by the Supreme Council would have to be civilian. Furthermore, he states, there is already such a civilian organization: The so-called "Tekkies" - fans of the science fiction show, "Futuretek: 1970".
Finally, Chancellor Snyder made a statement regarding the divided country to the south, Especias. Pistrix's neighbor was recently divided into East and West Especias, seperating the democratic Especians with the communist rebels who provoked the civil war there. Snyder made a bold statement to the region by not only proclaiming his full support for the democratic East Especias, but refusing to recognize the legitimacy of the Communist West Especias. In fact, he has suggested that that portion of the country be removed from Pistran maps and globes, suggesting that there is some barren, hollow void between East Especias and Katrinka. It is still yet unclear how Especias or others will respond.
Skleenball fight interrupted by tiger attack
The matchup between the Bananco Chaps and the Giant Radish Industries Blackholes was inturrupted a few minutes after it began by a large brawl between several players on each team. While this is not at all unusual in Skleenball, particularly when involving corporate rivals such as the agricultural conglomerates facing eachother at Pistra Stadium in Anorak, what was rather odd was how the maylay was broken up. About five minutes after the fight began, there was a commotion on the opposite end of the field, as a Kanjiri Tiger began running amok thoughout the stadium. The tiger, on loan from the Batson Zoo for the intermission show, escaped from his cage during the ruckus and began wreaking havoc thoughout the staduim. The 11 year old jungle cat, named "Yohei", chased the players from the field, marked his territroy on the scoreboard and repeatedly mounted the Bananco Chaps' bewildered mascot, "Chappy". Finally, the beast was subdued by his handlers and returned to the zoo. after a 45 minute delay, the game resumed with the fight. However, by then tensions between the two teams had cooled, and the brawl lasted only two more minutes before play began once again. The Blackholes won the game 11-4, and the Bananco mascot was brought to the Anorak Psychiatric Hospital for "mental distress".
Time travel is possible, but only for lobsters
Physicists at Pistek Laboratories in Anorak have announced compelling new evidence about the theoretical possiblities of travelling through time. Dr. James Doohand of the Historical Disruption Department calls the possiblity of sucessful time travel "possible to likely".
There is one catch, however. According to the lab's findings, the only living creature that could survive the punishing experience of time travel is the common lobster. Humans and almost every other animal, would apparently, never survive the journey either backwards or forwards though time. The stress on the internal organs, particularly the pancreas, would render most would-be time travellers dead before arrival, and would enter the targeted time period, "a big, mushy bowl of flesh soup."
Lobsters, however, are apparently much more hardy, and appear to have three pancreases, so that they can afford to blow two on the journey, and still survive for a time upon arrival.
Researchers stress that not only does it seem fairly useless to send lobsters back or forwards through time at this point, but they still do not know exactly how one accomplishes time travel in the first place. They have only conclusively proven that lobsters are the only species capable of time travel. Regardless, efforts are now underway to train lobsters as "explorers and historians or something", as well as actually develop a practical means of propelling them through the time stream.
Bacos's grim ending detracts from splendid storytelling
I can still remember as a young child, seeing the Fauntleroy Studios animated classic, Bacos, the Reluctant Swine with my grandparents. I still hold treasured memories of that day, when for the first time, I saw a pig talk and sing. I spent weeks after watching the movie trying to teach my pet goldfish the song, "Bacos, I Will Teach You to Dance". For the first time in my young life, I thought that magic was real, and that anything could happen. Of course I knew that those animals weren't real, they were cartoons. But somehow, the characters that they were seemed more real than any of the other kids my age who teased me and refused to be my friend...
But this isn't about me, this review is about the live-action remake of this animated masterpiece. Fauntleroy Studios made a name for itself forty years ago making animated movies about childrens fairy tales such as Princess and the Heretic and Boo Boo the Coward, but Bacos was the studio's crowning achievement. Now, after the success of last year's remake of Not That Monkey!, Fauntleroy Studios has come up with the modern day adeptation of the story of a pig who didn't want to get involved, but did. We all know the classic tale, so I won't bore you with the storyline. But you have never seen the story in this way. The talking animals in this movie are nothing short of spectacular. I couldn't imagine that it were possible tomatch, let alone surpass the charm and magic of the 1462 classic film. The modern version brings Bacos, Cluck Cluck and Sinister Mr. Crow to life like you never imagined.
The only downside I had to this beautiful film was its heartwrenching and indeed stomach-churning ending that closer matches the original fairy tale's ending rather than the happy ending of the previous movie. The gruesome and seemingly arbitrary slaughter of little Bacos by Farmer Rolf at the end of the fable is graphically potrayed with horrific realism, as is the horrible murder of Farmer Rolf and his family by the greif-stricken and enraged farm animals at the conclusion. The original tale was supposed to teach frontier children about the harsh reality of fate and mortality, as well as the plotting and violent nature of common farm animals. But here, it simply ruins a wonderful movie. Contrary to what you may assume, DO NOT under any circumstances take any child under 16 to this movie, as its emotionally crippling ending would leave them on the floor of the theater curled up in the fetal postition, afraid to go back out into a world that would allow such atrocities as they have just witnessed to take place.
Snyder defeats Rezac, Blackwell in Chancellorship Election
In the most hotly contested campaign in the history of the country, Elder Minister Dino Snyder has been elected by popular vote to become the next Supreme Chancellor of the Republic of Pistrix. Recieveing 55% of the vote makes Snyder the clear victor in the extended election campaign. Upon hearing the news that he had overcome an aggressive race from fellow ministers Jake Rezac and Logan Blackwell, Snyder was quoted as saying, "Boffo! That's swell news Murray, but you forgot my danish."
Once his danish was recovered, Chancellor-Elect Dino Snyder set to work readying his administration of the highest office in Pistran politics. He has already announced that he intends to retain the services of current Director of the Pistrix Bureau of Many Things (PBMT), Duke Bold, as his cheif spokesperson in foreign affairs, but states that he intends to represent himself and his views personally to the Pistran people.
Meanwhile, Snyder's ascention means a shuffleing of the Supreme Council of Ministers. With Snyder's departure from the SCM, Nathan Blackwell, estrainged brother of candidate Logan Blackwell, will become the next Elder Minister. Meanwhile, Logan Blackwell and Jake Rezac will both remain on the Council, and be 2nd and 3rd in line for the Elder Minister's chair. The remaining council members all move up one slot, and the Supreme Council's ranks will be reduced to 11.
Many are curious as to how their lives will be changed once Snyder takes the oath of office. His moderate stance on domestic issues and his pledge to cooperate with the Supreme Council suggest that the change locally will be little noticed from that of Chancellor Campbell. However, Snyder's aggresive foreign affairs stance, particularly against the growth of communism in Pistrix and on the continent of Kwasina, suggest that our country will find itself more enveloped in the global situation, witch continues to escalate into conflicts and ill-feelings between nations.
Despite the ominous cloud of international strife, and the uncertanty of the readiness of the new administration, most Pistrans agree that it is most refreshing to see the peaceful transition of power take place, without the infusion of blood to mark the takeover. This legal, bloodless coup, known in political terms as an "election", seems to have some merit as the appropriate method for a modern nation to choose its overlords.
Chancellor Campbell proclaims "Pistrix Day"
In what is bound to be one of her final acts as Supreme Chancellor, Michelle Campbell has proclaimed a national holiday known henceforth as "Pistrix Day" to be held roughly every four years. The date, marked as August 2nd on the old Pistran Calander, commemorates the ratification of the Pistrix Constitution, and the founding of the modern Republic of Pistrix.
The official ceremony in Anorak was hampered slightly by the temporary misplacement of the original draft of the constitution. Administrators from the National Archives could not locate the document in time for the offical ceremonies. Fortunately, a worker later found the original draft underneath a stack of newspapers while looking for an adult publication. Supereme Chancellor Campbell and the Constitution's drafter, Chancellor-Elect Snyder held an informal ceremony that night with the document while christening a new gas station on Emperor Street.
Later that evening, all of the major cities across Pistrix were treated to fireworks displays to mark the occasion. There was some controversy, however, in Evolopolis, on the Isle of Jest, as instead of launching traditional plastic and cardboard fireworks shells, the administrators of the penal colony simply stuffed the cadavers of deceased convicts with explosives, and launched them into the night sky. Spectators agreed that, travesty or not, the show was pretty cool.
Especias communists divide country in two
The conflict in Pistrix's neighbor to the south, Especias, has recently subsided, with a tenuous schism between the national supporters and the communist insurgents. The civil war did not go as well for the nationalist forces as many in Pistrix would have liked, but the freedom-loving Especians will retain soverignty over at least a portion of their country. The nationalist government, now officially called the Republic of Especias, will administer the eastern half of the nation, including the capitol, Santiago, the nation's entire coastal region, as well as the Kwasnian Road, the highway connecting Pistrix and Especias. the communists, by the terms of the treaty, claim the inland region to the west, and will be formally known as the Socialist Republic of Especias.
While an official reaction from the Pistran government will likely not be made public until after Chancellor-Elect Snyder takes office, the Department of Diplomacy has announced that all current relations with the country, including their embassy in Santiago and thier ambassador Arthur Puzzling, will be transferred to the friendly East Especian government.
What the government's stance will be regarding the communist West Especias remains a mystery. It is likely, however, going to be the first challenge to Snyder's tough stance on communism, and emboldened policy on foreign affairs.
"Treason Factory" betrays human dignity, but not the audience's expectations
Believe it or not, attending a showing of "The Treason Factory" can be very educational. You will leave the theater saying things like "I never knew that a human body had so much blood!" and "So that's what happens when sombody swallows a time bomb!". Indeed, the bulk of the movie seems to be a graphic lesson in anatomy, and to teach us what happens to vital organs when they are subjected to a shotgun blast at point blank range. The overwhelming majority of characters in this movie are not even given names, as almost all are unlikely to have more than thirty seconds of screentime before being killed in the most violent and disgusting method available. The movie goes out of its way to find new and admittedly creative ways to kill off the endless supply of fodder the script provides. In one scene, the main villain's fourth right hand man (or is it fifth?) is locked in a metal room with our hero, played by Jo Jo Maxima, with nothing in it except a half-empty jar of grape jelly. Rahter than spoil the surprise, I will let you guess as to how he meets his untimely end.
As it turns out, there is actually a plot buried within the onslaught of ceaseless killing. An elite force of army veterans are ploting to take over the country, and its up to two special agents, Kyle Steele (Maxima) and Amanda Felt (Jen Whimsey), to stop the traitors before they seize control. The leader of the rogue conspirators, General Haite (Damien Egg) is a flamboyant sculptor, who labors on the grand statue of himself to be placed on the palace steps after he seizes power. Most of the plotline and action take place between the army barracks and the sewers underneath the capitol, and as a result, much of the backdrop of the film is either drab or underlit. This may be, however, so that nothing distracts us from the unspeakable carnage which we are bombarded with, constantly, from the opening titles to well after the end credits have finished rolling. The outtake reel at the end of the film, mostly bothced death scenes, isn't particularly amusing, certainly not after the specticle the audience has just witnessed.
Despite all this, "The Treason Factory" does get the job done in that it gives us all the hard-core action we want and more. Perhaps it is another sign that our society is becoming more detached from human suffering and violence. Perhaps it is better that we become desensitized to the evils of the world, that we will not recoil so much that our thirst for revenge goes unquenched. Indeed, this movie does promote anger as a powerful weapon, and vengance as a noble cause. But as I walk out of the theater with Civil War veterans weeping and young kids bounding about in giddy excitement, I wonder what learning experience I have truly seen.
Campaigns flare up as Chancellorship Election closes
As the second Chancellorship election in the still young Republic of Pistrix's history speedily approaches, the three candidates step up the intensity of their respective campaigns. At the same time, the lines of loyalty among Pistrix citizens become more solidified, and more and more, are coming into direct conflict with eachother.
In Port Allegro, Pistrix's largest city, the Chancellorship race is very hotly contested. supporters for each side struggle for the needed votes to put thier candidate in the Supreme Chancellor's office. Yesterday, Pro-Snyder and Pro-Rezac mobs clashed on the streets, with a Pro-Blackwell mob waiting to scuffle with the winner. The maylay was broken up, after the participants realized that "Puppeteer PI" was about to start on television, and most quickly returned to their homes.
Indeed, televison seems the only force capable of keeping the turbulent political forces in Pistrix from colliding, as last week's highly-charged Chancellorship debate between the three candidates was preempted by TV specials "Magic's Secrets Ruined IV" and "Fact and Fiction: Weather" on the two major televison networks.
Still, TV can't keep major and popular forces in Pistrix from taking sides in the race. Recently, the current Supreme Chancellor, Michelle Campbell voiced her public endorsement of Elder Minister Dino Snyder, voicing concern with the mental stability of Jake Rezac and Logan Blackwell. Meanwhile, Minister Jake Rezac has gained the support of many of the large corporations thoughout the country, who dislike Snyder's economic theories and fear Blackwell's ties with communists. Minister Logan Blackwell, meanwhile, enjoys the support of not only the communist dissidents thoughout Pistrix, but organized crime kingpins and the Teamsters Union, along with democracy-hating despots everywhere.
As more and more people discuss who should be the next leader of Pistrix, some reflect on how far the Pistran people have come, as just four short years before, Pistrix was under the heel of the oppresive Imperial government, controled by Emperors Pangei and Kiscusk. Now that we can actually elect our leaders, there are even those who suggest that the surviving Kiskusk ought to run next time. It just goes to show how widely dispersed the opinons of the average Pistran really is.
Panicers disappointed as disaster misses mark Residents of Plankton City were disappointed today, to learn that they were not struck by a tidal wave after all. Local citizens were told last week that a massive tidal wave was detected out in the Posodan Sea, and was calculated to hit the fishing town early this morning. Instead, a tropical storm off the coast dissipated the wave, and the tsunami was barely noticed by beachgoers. While some were relieved that the tragedy was averted, many of the Plankton City residents were upset and disappointed at the disaster's no-show. "All this week we were getting relief packages and telegrams of concern from the rest of Pistrix." says Deputy Mayor, Christy Ahoy. "Now, the rest of the country will ignore our little town again- they'll call us the 'phoney disaster area'."
Consumers are upset at the lack of distress, due to the run on essential goods over the past week. Citizens cleared out the stocks of supermarkets, convienence stores, gun shops, and raft dealers all week long in anticipation of the tidal wave. But now, many are stuck with an overabundance of survival gear that they no longer need to live.
Looters were disappointed as well. As well-lit, panic-less streets were filled with police not on disaster relief efforts, many vandals and petty theives who had come from miles around in anticipation of the chaos that never took place, were turned away empty handed.
Finally, there were many viewers across Pistrix who had gotten up early to watch the wave strike the town live, and those who had stayed up late watching pre-flood coverage, who were turned away with nothing to watch but another normal day in the sleepy town of Plankton City.
Fear, Ignroance and apathy: Pistrix democracy
So, you miserable animated carcasses again start yapping about who among you gets to wear the feces crown as king of the monkey cage. As you greedily scramble for the shriveled, decaying scepter of power in this blasted slime hole of a country, consider the mockery you are making of representative government everywhere. Why, even the backwards savages of some remote, primitive island would not consider this process representative of the (for lack of a more disgusting word) "people" of Pistrix. The means of choosing your next leader is not based on who would be best qualified to hold such a position, although noone in this decrypet land could even come close to being deemed qualified to lead even a murderous gang of escaped insanity patients. Instead, you use deceit, lies, fear and outright manipulation of the brainless, slobbering masses to chrun the putrid flux of a democratic process to your favor. Those bloated, souless monuments to emptyness that even pry themselves off of their couches, beds, and most often, floors, never use anything remotely similar to what could reasonably called fair judgement when the curtain of the voting booth enshackles them to their civic shame, traping them in their meaningless duty to pretend to decide who will make their wrong decisions for them this time. Democracy in Pistrix is a sham, derived by its despicable leaders to lull the zombified masses into believing that they have some assimalance of control over their pathetic, meaningless lives, so that they don't lurch up and overrun thier swarthy oppersers who lead them. Indeed, the idiotic mob of teeming slug flesh that is the populace of Pistrix must one day themselves see the obvious illusion brought before them by thier leaders, and will one day turn on them, and then devour itself.
Supreme Chancellor Campbell to call it quits after election
Sources close to The Chancellor's Office are reporting to the Pistrix Defender that Pistrix's first Chancellor, Michelle Campbell will retire from politics following the end of her term. Chancellor Campbell is expected to make the official announcement during her speech following the Orrin Caglio Parade next Wednesday in Anorak.
This revalation, while shocking to some, takes few in the higher levels of government by surprise. Some thought that Chancellor Campbell became disillusioned with buerecratic progress when her proposed Bill of Freedoms, intended to guarnetee citizens' basic "implied rights", was crushed in the Supreme Council. Indeed, her public appearances following that defeat were sparse and distant. Since then, her reign as leader of Pistrix has taken fire from some, particularly the political action group "People for Killing Chancellor Campbell" (PKCC), who has promoted distain for our country's first leader since her inauguration four years ago.
Many speculate that Chancellor Campbell made her final decision not to run after the Shipyard Scandal broke. The political controversy, named after the Watergate Shipyards where informantion was first leaked, has caused a great deal of trepidation towards many who are easily confused and do not know all the facts. As a result, Campbell's popularity has plummetted over the past month. While she still holds strong support from the middle class voters, and some of the more intelligent hotheads, there is speculation that if she did run for reelection, she might not win.
In any case, her impending retirement from politics paves the way for Pistrix to elect a new Supreme Chancellor. The race is quickly solidifying, as the three major candidates, Logan Blackwell, Jake Rezac and Dino Snyder are all expected to receive the required number of nominations to be placed on the ballot. While it is still not too late for another contender to enter the fray, nobody else has announced their entry into the Chancellorship race. The one thing that can be certain now, is that soon, Pistrix will have its second Supreme Chancellor, and its first Ex-Chancellor.
Fans upset as comic "Fools Force" ends
Comic book readers across Pistrix were bewildered to learn this week, that "Fools Force", the nation's second-leading comic, will be discontinued following the last issue, which was just released Friday.
The final issue of Fools Force was not touted as the 86 year old comic's finale beforehand, so most regular readers were quite shocked when they read the issue. The crimefighters complete what most fans call a "mediocre episode", when on the last page, all of the characters suddenly and inexplicably die of brain tumors and the world is destroyed by a sudden backlash of global warming. The final panel announces the Fools Force universe is irreversibly destroyed, and ends with an ad pitch for Hungerville Brand Peas .
This follows a string of unceremoniuos cancellations of classic comics by Savage Comics, the publisher that created the superhero team. Old favorates like "Mickey McGarnicle and his Wonderful Handgun" and "Captain Jetpack" have vanished from the comic book shelves. Savage Comics has stated that they intend to move away from the old-style of comic books, toward the more modern style of graphic novels.
"We want to create serials that have a greater appeal to the more mature audience." says Savage Comics spokesperson, Linda Carter. "So, our newer publications will have more adult themes, and audio clips attached to each panel, as we have learned that our viewers perfer to read as little as possible." New licenses coming out next month include "The Erotic Adventures of Love Biscuit", "Lust-Ar the Sextra-Terrestrial" and "Me Man".
Waterworks initiates nationwide recall of water
As the result of what Waterworks Industries is calling "a silly little goof", the water-producing conglomerate is issuing a massive emergency recall of its "NatureFresh Pure Drinking Water" bottles made this year. While the company insists that the water is perfectly safe for drinking, it has been found to be terribly explosive. They are offering a 25% refund on unopened bottles which are accompanied by a reciept, and are pleading with consumers to avoid bringing the water anywhere near an open flame or ignition source. "Please, please keep the water away from fireplaces, ovens, furnaces, cigarettes, automobiles or light bulbs over 10 watts."
The combustable water, when exposed to even the slightest bit of heat, will explode into an erie green ,yet napalm-like fire. It will spray everything in the area with a magma-like fluid, searing everything it touches. Waterworks Industries also warns that, if an individual is unlucky enough to be at or near any one of these unfortunate incidents, do not, repeat DO NOT try to douse the fire with water. Even normal water will cause the same explosive effect with this bizarre new form of energy. Instead, they suggest discarding the burning material (including people, if applicable) into a normal fire, which, hopefully will appease this powerfully dangerous green flame.
Industry officials assure the public that the "silly little goof" that caused the water to spawn this indestructible fire has been promptly corrected, and they will soon have new bottles of drinking water back on the shelves.
Ministers look ahead to Election after successful Supreme Council Session
The Supreme Council of Ministers has expanded for the first time since the country's inception. The Fourth Session was a stark conrast from the previous session, as 6 of 8 directives were passed, including the entry of Toni Thomas and R.J. Squishy to the SCM.
Also passing, were the Requsition Act, allowing ministers to confiscate property of civilians for official purposes, the banning of land mines for public sale, and the replacment of the banned letter "Z" with its virtual twin, the letter "Esquonox". The Council also decided to make Imperial Beer the National Beverage of Pistrix, much to the great dissappointment of the Jiffy Cola Soda Company, who proposed the directive with the intent on making their popular soft drink the National Beverage.
The two directives going down to defeat were the proposals to build shopping malls and selling the massive stockpile of government helium. Both directives were suggested in order to increase government income, but were rejected, mostly based on ministers concerns involving the methods proposed.
As the Fourth Session ends, however, we now look ahead to the upcoming Chancellorship elections. Sources say that Ministers Dino Snyder, Jake Rezac, and Logan Blackwell are each looking to announce thier respective candidacies shortly, and will each begin campaigning for the two nominating votes from thier fellow ministers needed to be placed on the ballot.
While Snyder, Rezac and Blackwell compete for nominations, there is cause to wonder if anyone else will join them. There is discussion that other ministers, such as Queen Qaasim, Thursday, or Braken Batson would consider running, as well as either of the new minsters, who may decide to plunge into the race as well. The biggest question, however, is the candidacy of the one person in Pistrix who is guarenteed the ability to be placed on the ballot: Pistrix's sitting Chancellor, Michelle Campbell. Campbell remains very popular among a wide span of citizens, but it is not clear how much the Watergate Shipyards Scandal (soon to be shortened to the Shipyard Scandal) has damaged her. The Supreme Chancellor automatically is placed on the ballot if she wishes to run for reelection, but the Chancellor's office has not commented on whether she intends to run at all.
Wise Old Man ends skleenball referees' dispute
Skleenball fans across Pistrix breath a collective sigh of relief today, as the United Skleenball Association of Pistrix (USAP) League Office announced that the next season of Professional Skeenball will see play resume. The end to the long feud between League executives and the skleenball officials has ended, mostly in thanks to the owner of skleenball's newest franchise, Wise Old Man.
Wise Old Man, owner of Wise Old Man Co. and the Wise Old Man Co. Needlesnake Survivors expansion team, solved the deadlock between the referees and the league in a most unusual, and some say drastic way. He promptly signed the referees to hefty new contracts, and then instead of letting them officiate the upcoming skleenball games, will force them to work in the company's lead mines near the town of Rezac.
With the umpires out of the way, the USAP League Office quickly abolished the rule allowing officials to compete, and in fact, made an ammendment banning officials from judging skleenball matches at all. Who will determine rule infractions during the game? The league now expects play by play broadcasters to make such calls, and enforce the rules of the game via teleprompters and staduim public address speakers. Another sweeping change states that no games can be played at the same time. This means that the games will be played one after another, at different points of the day, all day, every day, until the season is over. ISN, the International Skleenball Network, has signed on to televise the games 24 hours a day. Officials hope that these drastic changes will rejuvinate intrest in the sport after such a long hiatus.
Health officials denounce TV show as deadly
A blue ribbon panel of health experts have announced their public condemnation for the new National Network show, "Reality Island". The panel, headed by noted podiatrist Dr. Punky Hogg, has denounced the show's theme and methods as, "vile, despicable and deadly".
The show consists of hour-long installments in which unwitting contestants are kidnapped and stranded on an island, and then ecouraged to battle with each other for supremacy of the island, as well as the precious "rat supply". Defeated contestants are brought back to the mainland and jeered by crowds at a public debaucle shown during the end credits of every episode. The winners are given a 10 pistick gift certificate to Gusto's Sporting Goods, and a years supply of ratburger supreme sandwiches from Squishyburger Resteraunts.
Ratings are off the charts, but officials aren't impressed. "The show drags out the worst of human nature,and displays it for all the world to see!" rants tree surgeon, Dr. Barry Scoflee. "The show must be stripped from the airwaves and consigned to the dung heap, where it belongs!" Indeed, there are investigations underway by the National Televison Commission (NTC) regarding the show's violiations of televison code, specifically the episode where a band of captives dismembered a particularly obnoxious contestant, and threw his mangled body parts into the ocean. However, the NTC is not investigationg the graphic nature of the episode when considering possible fines, instead, it is checking to see if there wss enough commercial time alloted to sponsers of the show on that episode.
Did Supreme Chancellor Campbell buy Montedorian ships?
A high-ranking official inside the Pistrix Armed Forces has told the Pistrix Defender that the Chancellor's Navy is now currently equipped with foreign warships, purchased from the now defunct Montedorian Empire. The Supreme Chancellor's office has refused to comment on inquiries regarding this accusation.
The informant, who wished to remain annonymous, is Admiral Lance Fleshburger, a supervising officer at the Watergate Fleetyards in Port Allegro. His blabbing about this alleged secret deal between the Pistran government and the dissolved Montedorian military, is quite shocking to those who are instructed that this is not the normal method of building a naval fleet.
But building a fleet is exactly what Supreme Chancellor Michelle Campbell proposed to do shortly after taking office in 1502. She enacted the "Naval Legitimacy Act", which was designed to build up Pistrix's rather pathetic navy into a respectable fleet, so that the country's foreign policy could have more clout internationally. The Act, intended to be a program of rebuilding and reequipment of the miniscule navy, is scheduled to be completed soon. The official results have been far better than was originally expected, with the number of ocean-going warships going from 9 to 23, including 2 battleships, the largest in the history of the Pistrix Navy.
Now, however, it seems that this impressive accomlishment was not the result of toil and ingenuity, but by the government buying out on discarded vessels that a former military power no longer wanted.
Many pundits are upset, though they are not entirely sure why. "I'm pretty sure I'm outraged!" ranted a Port Allegro bartender. "How can we by ships from someone who is willing to sell them to us?" wailed a distraught housewife. Most are assuming that this new developemnt is underhanded in someway because it was kept secret. Eli Habiscus, member of the People for Killing Chancellor Campbell (PKCC) Committee, said "This probably further proves how Chancellor Campbell has steered our nation down to decay!"
While there is as yet, no evidence to support the source's claim, certainly, the idea that Pistrix has a second hand naval fleet stirs deep, confusing emotions with many Pistrans.
New skleenball franchise awarded at ceremony
As the new national monument to needlesnake victims was unveiled in downtown Reac today, representatives from Wise Old Man Co. took the opportunity to announce thier long-awaited entry into the the United Skleenball Association of Pistrix (USAP). They have named their new team the "Needlesnake Survivors", to honor those that were not killed by Pistrix's natural animal foe. While some of the relatives of the needlesnake victims were offended by timing of this pronouncement during the unveiling of the solemn monument, along with the playing of the new team's theme song during the proposed moment of silence, most of the town's citisens were just happy to have professional skleenball return to Reac after the Bananco Chaps team left the city 44 years before.
An unapologetic Wise Old Man defended his lack of tact at the ceremony. "It's not our fault that some people have been killed by the venomous needlesnake." he said. "They can have their memeorial, and their bronze statue. We, the survivors, will have our own skleenball team. Life is for the living!"
Indeed, the statue of a needlesnake victim reaching heavenward as he is swallowed whole by a large snake, was overshadowed at the dedication ceremony by the new sports franchise, and questions about skleenball's future. At the end of the ceremony, Wise Old Man promised to honor the needlesnake survivors by "returning the game of skleenball to its original state of grandeur and glory."
Population boom may lead to expansion of SCM
Elder Minister Dino Snyder spoke to reporters yesterday, about the possible expansion of the Supreme Council of Ministers. Due to a large post-Civil War population boom, and a series of colossal errors by the Census Ministry, Pistrix's population is now large enough to support the addition of members to the nation's elite governing body. To this fact, he has nominated Toni Thomas, the Grand Inquisitor from one of Pistrix's fastest-growing cities, Smarmington, to join the Council.
The Elder Minister cites Thomas' impressive record of irradicating anti-democratic opposition in the Southlands, through incarceration, denouncement and exile. Her position as the Grand Inquisitor of that region has made her a popular force among those concerned about anti-government uprisings throughout Pistrix, particularly now, as the conflict in Especias to the south continues.
There is also talk of another candidate for the Supreme Council to emerge before the Fourth Session of the SCM. However, any candidates nominated by a current Minister have no direct competition with each other during the vote, as each are approved by the Supreme Council on a case-by-case basis. Should any other candidates emerge before the session begins, they would join Grand Inquisitor Thomas on the ballot of the upcoming Fourth Session of the Supreme Council of Ministers, and Pistrix may have one or more new Ministers to rule them more effectively.
'Action Force 12 Part 2: Knee Deep in Action' Is Great ... In a Bad Way
'Action Force 12 Part 2' picks up exactly where the first one began, telling the exact same story as the first film, with exact same leading actors, and the only thing that has changed are all the catch-phrases, the central villain, and the romantic interest, (played by Sexula, famous from the National Wrestling League), and instead of a crucial battle taking place on board a battleship it takes place inside a Squishy Burgers. If you seen the first one you already know that Action Force 12 is an elite squad of commandos that is made up of members that have all had failed marriages, for it has been decided by the military that they make up the most deadliest and angriest fighters. Their leader is Butch, a rough-and-tumble man who resists his newly assigned leadership, and serves up his own brand of justice bazooka style. His sidekicks are Gizmo (a muscle-bound killer), Wires (a sexy double agent), Muscles (inventing nerd), and Babe (an electronics expert with multiple personalites).
It's a sad day in Pistrix when studios are so afraid to try new things that they shoot the exact same movie all over again. Sure they've done that before, 'Ravage of the Needlesnakes 2' and on had basically the same premise and cliches of the first film, but atleast they made thinnly veiled copies that were progressively worse than the first film. I recommend 'Action Force 12 Part 2' to the mindless boobs who don't have the capacity for independant thought, and therefor predict this movie be the highest grossing film of the summer. Can't wait for Part Three!!!
-Otho Prood
Angry Bomber attack false alarm - really a large meteor strike
Night became day in the early hours of the morning near the United Umbrella Assembley Plant in Raccoon Mound last night, as the massive building where the nation's top selling umbrellas are assembled and inspected, exploded into a fireball of fire-like flames, lighting the sky for as far as the eye could see.
Investigators initially assumed that the explosion was the result of another insideous attack by the notorious "Angry Bomber", who has evaded capture by the authorities for over a year. A police dragnet was immediately implemented, and any citizen in the area who admitted to being awake at the time of the explosion was arrested and detained for eventual questioning.
Once the wreckage of the plant was surveyed, however, it was determined that the explosion was not the result of a bomb, but, in fact, caused by the impact of a meteorite. The meteorite, found in the plant's basement nestled snugly inside a mound of pudding, measures roughly 18.3 centimeters in diameter, and is comprised mostly of iron and gold. A local priest suggested that Jebus was punishing Pistrans for using umbrellas, which "sheilded them from His gase from Paradise World." Effectively, the church offical was accusing umbrella users of some kind of "talk to the hand" quip on Jebus by using the weather utensil. The more reasonable explanation, of course, is that a stray meteor entered orbit, and plummeted to the ground, randomly striking the umbrella plant.
Still, the authorities are not discounting the involvement of the dreaded "Angry Bomber". PIBB spokesman, Jo Jo Bunglecase, has his own theory regarding the meteorite's origin. "Perhaps the Angry Bomber has made his way to the international space station in orbit, and is hurling his space bombs from the safety of space." he suggested. "That would explain our seeming ineptitude in finding him on the ground."
Upon hearing this theory, a crowd of idiots mumured in fear and intrigue. "Diabolic." muttered a local boob, as he looked skywards in wonder and terror. Despite the probable natural origin of the meteorite, and even the vague theory brought forth by Agent Bunglecase, 233 citisens remained in custody, to be held for further questioning. No word on the irony of an umbrella plant being struck by a celestial object.
Snyder calls for advisors in Especias
After receiveing an honorary Doctoral Degree in Metallurgy at his alma mater, Dince Community College, Dino Snyder spoke to the assembled graduates regarding the conflict in Especias.
"The legitimate national government is reorganizing right now," the Elder Minister said. " and they need the assistance of freedom-loving people everywhere, particularly their neighbors."
Minister Snyder called for military advisors to be sent to Especias at the earliest possible time, to help council the national government in the struggle against communist insurgents there.
Others wish to go even further. General Puddle, of the 43rd "Killsquad" Infantry, suggested that 200,000 armed "advisors" cross the border into Especias, and assist the government there in pacifying the communist rebels. Snyder calls this action "somewhat rash", but would not discount the possiblity of Pistrix's deeper involvement in the Especian crisis. "After all," he offered to the audience. "who knows more about civil wars than the Pistran Armed Forces?"
The Supreme Chancellor's office has not responded to Minister Snyder's suggestions, but is expected to take a more cautious approach to the situation.
Meanwhile, "Doctor" Snyder received a standing ovation from those in audience, and later attended the ceremonial post-graduation kegger, which was held in his honor.
Panda mistakenly mated with orangutan
Representatives from the Batson Animal Prison (formerly Batson Soo) in Anorak were quite embarrassed at a Husbandry Symposium being held nearby on Monster Island, when they were told that keepers in their wildlife park had mistakenly bred the animal prison's most prised exhibit, "Gonzo", a female panda bear, with "Uncle Skippy", an elderly male orangutan.
I seems that the panda meant to court Gonzo, a male panda named "Guy" on loan from Katrinka, escaped shortly before being introduced into the habitat, and Uncle Skippy had wandered over towards the escaped panda's holding pen. Due to the near-total darkness (pandas are apparently more promiscuous at night), sookeepers confused the orangutan for Gonzo's intended mate.
Batson Animal Prison officials were "shocked, and more than a little curious" in hearing of the sorted details of the mating of the bewildered animals. They vowed an immediate investigation into the matter would take place as soon as was convinent. In the meantime, the Husbandry Symposium had descended into a "dirty joke" convention for the rest of its duration, as delegates snickered gleefully at this blooper from the nation's largest animal prison.
On a footnote, no, Gonzo was not impregnated by Uncle Skippy. Uncle Skippy has, however, been re-accepted by the other orangutans following his return to their habitat. He has since mated with 3 female orangutans upon his return.
Befuddled protesters question the sanctity of emu scratching
The ongoing work-stoppage in professional Skleenball continues to force Pistrans to seek new entertainment events by which to provide added incentive to living in Pistran society. Since the skleenball referees revolted against management, many fans have sought other forms of entertaiment in their often dreary lives. Some new events that have become popular include: monthly birthdays, "holdin' it" contests, cloud counting, and the newest sensation, emu scratching.
Now, however, there are those that say that this newest sensation goes too far. Many religious leaders are calling the new pastime of emu scratching "sacreligious", "blasphemous", and "just plain weird". Claiming that the practice of emu scratching is contradictory to the teachings of Jebus, Archpope Skippy Frankenhooker of the Church of Jebus, denounced the practice and is calling for a boycott of any sporting goods store which carries equipment or merchandise for the pastime.
Others are simply flabergasted as to the entertainment value of emu scratching. "At what point did the society in which I live become one where the average citisen found some degree of pleasure out of scratching a large bird?", asked bricklayer Tom Qwerty of Prudelior. Indeed, it is difficult to find the reson behing the seemingly addictive nature of the act. Psychoanylist Hubert Huggingsworth states his own therory: "Perhaps it it a transcendant experience for the individual, to combine the mundane and the bisarre, in effect altering the very fabirc of their reality." Dr. Huggingsworth went on to conclude, "...or maybe they're just really bored."
In any event, the thousands of emu scratchers, calling themselves "wobbleyknockers", seem totally unwilling to give up their new obsession. Dosens of such enthusiasts have gathered into emu hunting parties, and trekked out into the barren widlerness of the Southlands, near Mount Kwali, armed only with hand lotion and emery boards. Many of these parties have never been heard from again. Perhaps they were claimed by the harsh wilderness and the pastime which they loved, or maybe they realised that no emus live in the southlands, and they eventually lost interest and went home. Whatever their fate, surviving "wobbleyknockers" stand firm to defend their cherished emu scratching, and claim that they will fight to the death to preserve their right to sctatch away.
"People don't like some things", study says
The Department of Meaningless Surveys (DMS) has released the results of its latest research involving the likes and dislikes of polled Pistran citisens. While most of the data compiled by the survey is pointless and redundant, some information does merit a reaction, from confusion, outrage, shock and pusslement. Here is a sample of some of the conclusions reached by the survey:
*82% of citisens prefer life to death
*27% of mothers actually have children
*97% of veterans from the Fifth Civil War were actually spying for the other side
*12% of citisens never turn off their television
*30% of parents make their children eat asparigus only to feel a sense of power and control over thier offspring
*2% of citisens are getting "kind of tired" of eating grapes
*74% of registered voters voted for themselves in the last Chancellorship election
*51% of citisens dislike the taste of dung beetles
*117% of citisens hated the movie "Project Everything"
*49% of left handers think that Jebus was a lefty
*67% of citisens know that a pinch of rosemary added to their pork chops would add some zest to the meal
*11% of citisens would believe any survey that came from a terribly mismanaged government polling agency that had only one calculater to tabulate data, and that one was missing the "7" button.
Lost will found in the rubble of orphanage
"The Gods of Tragic Irony must be very happy right now." cried Little Susie, a six-year old orphan, who sobbed uncontrollably as the only home she has ever known was demolished by a large iron wrecking ball in Darkwill. The Treasured Memories Orphanage, which has been home to thousands of war orphans over the last 300 years, was torn down over the weekend, to make room for a fashion boutique. This after the owner of the orphanage, Goodey Truhardt, died suddenly last week. Without any heirs to the estate, the orphanage which he had fought for years to keep open, was sold on public auction to "Fashion Overlords Inc.", who had been trying to force Truhardt to sell to them earlier.
Oddly, Truhardt's last will and testament was indeed found shortly after F.O. had the building demolished. The will had set up a trust fund to keep the orphanage going, and gave ownership to the 300 young orphans who lived there. Unfortunately, the land was already sold, and the discovered will became invalid. As a result, Fashion Overlords Inc. also received ownership of the large trust fund, as well as the land, and turned a significant profit on the deal.
Some locals question whether the retail chain should build a new store there, as they already have a store only two blocks away. An F.O. spokesman explains that with this location, the store sites will spell out the company's logo when highlited on a map of the city.
Phalisor Monkey Swarm on the move
The residents of New Phalisor, formerly of the beseiged city of Phalisor, were finally settleing down in their newly constructed town. Originally, it was meant for New Phalisor to be a temporary encampment, while the army worked to remove the hordes of monkeys infesting their original town. But the town of New Phalisor grew into a more permament settlement for the beleagured Phalisorians, and most had accepted it as their new home.
Sadly, it was not meant to be. In a totally unexpected move, the Phalisor Monkey Swarm, after two years of inhabiting the deserted city, has finally migrated out. To everyone's shock, the monkeys moved into the nearby settlement of New Phalisor. Now, again plagued by the diseased stench of angry monkeys, the citizens are forced to relocate again, this time back into their old city, now smeared with feces and shedded monkey fur.
Furthermore, a regional outbreak of a new and mysterious disease is being attributed to the filthy primates. The ailment is being called "Monkey Collateral Syndrome", and is a brain condition causing excessive and ill-advised lending and borrowing. The befuddling disease has already caused three banks to close in the area, for misguided loan applications, and incalculable scores of unreturned movie rentals and video games. Libraries have also closed down, as their shelves have been stripped bare of literature.
The army's impotence in curbing the Monkey Swarm's development has led to harsh criticism from many. While the military has devised numerous operations meant to end the monkey occupation, all have failed, and some disasterously so. It has been said that these apparently simple monkeys have outwitted our most clever military leaders. When asked whether the monkeys might have become super-intelligent, commanding officer Gen. Ernst Lenin Jr., chuckled nervously. "The monkeys are no more super-intelligent than they were when they originally escaped from the research lab."
In any case, The bewildered citizens of Phalisor (formerly citisens of New Phalisor) are forced into repatriation into their old and desheveled home. As they grimmly try to once again pick up the pieces after another monkey conquest, their resolve to go on is a sober reminder to us all that the spirit of today's Pistran cannot be squelched.
Fridge exec admits to using "toilet gas"
The Vice President in charge of Scandalous Revalations of the nation's largest refridgerator manufacturers, "Chilly Drawers Fridge Co.", released a statement today, admitting to allegations brought forth by a disgruntled former employee of the company. The manufacturers admitted to using a gaseous compound called polydidodecahedenol, an experimental laxative gas that is known to cause the immediate and irresistable need for bowel activity. As a result, whenever a person opened the door to the refridgerator, inhaling the gas inside would provoke an urgent trip to the restroom for the purposes of defecation.
When asked the motive for this unusual use of the indurstrial stength laxative vapor, the Chilly Drawers spokesman, Nikki Coolidge confessed that it was with the intention of boosting sales for the company's newest subsidiary, "Bottoms Up Toilet Paper, Unlimited", which manufactures personal wipes. Ms. Cooligse goes on to defend the reasoning, as due to the recent popularity of "Holdin' It" contests, where contestants abstain from relieving their bodily functions for as long as they can, people are simply "going" a lot less. Still, while bathroom tissue sales have gone up the last several months, so have plumbing bills, and people generally can no longer afford the higher price material that "Bottoms Up" offers, and will tend to go for the generic brands instead. Regardless, "Chilly Drawers" apologises, and promises to cut down on the gas in the future.
"Mr. Glee" joins the Duke Bold Publishing family
The lengthy court case brought on by Duke Bold Publishing against the independant publication, The Enlightenment has at long last concluded. The Pistrix High Court has ruled that The Enlightenment cannot hold the rights to the popular comic strip, "Mr. Glee", and has forced the comic into syndication.
The Enlightenment, an independant weekly paper established by Supreme Council Member Braken J. Batson, is considered an intellectual and philisophical publication by most, focusing on idealistic theory and sagatious reasoning. As a result, it has a relatively low subscription rate, when compared to more universal publications, such as The Pistrix Defender. One of its most popular draws with the common citizen, was the comic strip it featured, "Mr. Glee", who has become a beloved character accross Pistrix, by the astute and the buffoonish alike.
Duke Bold Publishing, owner of The Pistrix Defender, heroically has crusaded to stop the selfish makers of The Enlightenment from hoarding the comic to themselves. The Pistrix High Court, however, has seen fit in its infinite wisdom to release publishing rights to any who wish them. Also, the stipulation that if the comic itself is photocopied from another print, that publisher does not have to pay royalties to the makers of the comic. This happy ruling now allows The Pistrix Defender to proudly bring you a photocopied duplicate of that day's comic, "Mr. Glee", without raising the price of the paper.
Supreme Council Ministers say "No" to most on the ballot
As the Third Session of the Supreme Council of Ministers ended, many analysts were left to pick up the scattered remnants of directives torn to shreds by the nay-saying ministers. As the Council ended, only two of the eight directives on the docket had passed, and a third was tied. This particular session was distinctive because so many of the directives were proposed by key members of government directly. Most of them went down to defeat.
The most noticable of the failed directives was Supreme Chancellor Campbell's agressive Directive 40: The Bill of Freedoms. The bill was touted as a symbol of basic rights to be guarenteed to Pistrans, but had so many points that almost every minister could find a reason not to vote for it. The Bill of Freedoms lost by nearly a two to one margin.
Also soundly defeated were Directive 36, Marquis de Brianton's call for the Criminalization of Poverty, Directive 37, to release the surviving Emperor, and Directive 50, meant to outlaw the traditional bazooka duel. Ministers also chose to retain the current national anthem, "Fair Pistrix", rather than change it to another patriotic song.
Indeed, besides Directive 41, eliminating the letter Z from the Pistran alphabet within three months, the only clear winner in the session was Directive 47, the bill to create a Labour Day holiday, to force workers to work one day a year without pay. This bill won by a record mark, with only one negative vote.
Also making Supreme Council Session history was Directive 44, the measure to outlaw the Communist Party in Pistrix. This directive is the first to result in a tie, which was broken by the Elder Minister Dino Snyder, the bill's proponent, with his tie-breaking vote to pass.
While some are concerned that little was accomplished with the rejection of so many directives, many are relieved that such a potentially controversial session demonstrated that there can still be a consensus within a Supreme Council which some have feared is dangerously divided.
All three bills passed without the Supreme Chancellor's signature, due to the SC Campbell being out of the country on a good will tour with the AFCO.
Pistrix Lottory back in business after long hiatus
After an extended hiatus, the Pistrix National Lottory has finally returned. The lottory was placed on hiatus after the arrest of former lottory commissioner, Hagan Drib, for charges of massive corruption. Since then, the new commissioner, Ernie Drib, has been retooling the lottory structure, so that it is not clearly guarenteed that he or one of his relaties would automatically win the 65,000 kiloliter merc jackpot each week.
The end result of this process, is that the Pistrix Lottory will transform into a nationwide trivia contest. Any citizen wishing to answer the Pistrix Trivia Question (Pistrivia, as it is being called), may send their answer along with 1kL of mercury to the Pistrix Lottory Commission. All those with the correct answer will be placed in a drawing for the jackpot. Those with the incorrect answer, will be fined an additional 5kL of mercs.
Pistrix Lottory Commissioner Ernie Drib, calls this process "a fair and democratic return of the lottory sytem that so may Pistrans want and need to sustain thier lives." Still, there are some that say that Drib, who is the twin brother of the ousted former commissioner, is even more corrupt than his predicessor, and that he is just better at concealing his corruption from the public. Responding to these charges, Drib said, "These guys don't have anything on me! They don't have the bookkeeper, they don't have the tapes, they don't even have the fraudulent wire transfers! They got nothing!"
Groups attack key leaders in government
The PKCC (People for Killing Chancellor Campbell) is becoming more and more vocal, as the Chancellorship election draws slowly nearer. Yesterday, they sent a panphlet to all Class A and B citizens residing in Port Allegro, Darkwill, The Moe, Prudelior, and the capitol city of Anorak, demanding to know why there has been no movement on the Underwater Prison which was voted on in the Supreme Council last year. They suggest that the Supreme Chancellor is dragging her feet on the implementation of Directive 32's plan to build a massive underwater prison complex near the Isle of Doubt in Allegro Sound.
It has been suggested that the political action group will form an alliance with the newly formed Fathers Against Thursday (FAT) which has been established to remove the enigmatic Supreme Council Minister and ruler of the fortress city of The Moe. The new and potentially violent group has also made attempts to sue fellow Minister Rezac for unspecified reasons involving definions in his fameous dictionary. The PKCC and FAT have not made any statemens publicly about any such political alliance.
Still there is the growing trend of political groups becoming very much involved in enfocing the political will of its leaders, even to a military extent. The Pistrix Comminist Party will soon find itself being dismantled, at least on an official basis, due to the passing of Directive 44. Other groups fear that they might be next.
Pantanceron Film Awards filled with cheers, jeers, and nudity
The prestigeous Pantanceron Film Awards were held last night inside the Viking Pizza WarriorDome in Port Allegro. The awards ceremonies are an annual forum for the major stars and key players in the Pistran movie scene to conveine for one special night. The highlights of the night included the "Nearly Dead" Acheivement Award going to silent film star Laddy Brookstein, who stole the hearts of Pistrans of yesteryear with his soft shoe and mime act in early Pistran Cinema. The ceremony was interrrupted breifly during the Best Gaffer Award, when a local man streaked across the stage naked, and was immediately followed by two women, also in the nude. The trio were quickly taken into custody, and returned to the Skankytime Pornograpy Awards, being held in the next hall.
In commemeration to the dark clouds hovering over the awards from the lameness of the recent "Project Everything", the stars and producers of the dubious flick were carted out in chains to suffer the relentless boos and produce-tossing from a vengeful audience. They were formally presented with the Medal of Shame conferred on them by the Pistrix Armed Forces for their poor work. One notable absence from this was the film's director, Harli Grumblestein, who seems to have dissappeared, presumably to wherever disgraced directors go to spend their days in obscurity.
In the end, the crowd cheered the awards won by the winners of the evening. "Justified Margins" won Best Film, Larry Smeltz won Best Actor for "Catapult!", and Jennie Nottadyke won Best Actress for "Never Say 'Shoot Me' Again". Winning best song was Enrique Jean-Claude for the title theme to "I'm Down With the Up", and winning Best Director was Yancy Hugg for "Mr. Glee Saves Jebus Day".
Supreme Council Session wrought with history / controversy
The Third Session of the Supreme Council of Ministers opende with a bang on Friday, as a number of controversial directives were proposed which are all bound to be hotly debated for the length of the session. The most visible of the directives is Directive 40: The Bill of Freedoms. This sweeping act proposed by Supeme Chancellor Michelle Campbell, has numerous points that would secure what the Chancellor calls, "implied rights", and really seems to be six or seven directives in one. Included in the Bill is the right to a trial, the freedom from discrimination due to hand preference, and the right to "grapes, glory, and freedom from needlesnakes". Some analysts see the bill as too widespread to pass though the SCM, as many ministers will likely find something to disapprove of within it. However, the Chancellor's office is optomistic that such a siginficant bill will go through the Council and cement these freedoms into law.
Also on the docket is Directive 37, a measure to release the former Emperor Kiskusk from exile, Directive 44, outlawing the Communist Party in Pistrix, and Directive 36, criminalizing poverty. All of these directives are likely to face stiff opposition from certain members of the Supreme Council, and yet it is unclear if any will pass or fail.
There is concern among some, that such widely opposing directives will further divide the council into two opposing camps, who would refuse to cooperate with each other, and constantly attempt to sabotage eachother's programs. Most SCM members, such as Elder Minister Dino Snyder, are not concerned with such a possibility. "Now, the Supreme Council is made up of strong and wise individuals." Snyder said in an interview several weeks ago. "The concept of a political party system in the Council would not work, because these individuals would not stand for having their right to make their own decisions taken away from them."
Other isssues on the docket for the Third Session include Directive 41, the elimination of the letter"z" from the Pistran alphabet, Directive 43, a proposed new national anthem for Pistrix, Directive 47, entacting a "Labour Day" anti-holiday to require citizens to work without pay, and Directive 50, banning the traditional bazooka duel.
Chancellor Campbell to attend AFZO Conference
The Chancellor's Office has announced that Supreme Chancellor Michelle Campbell will personally attend the meeting of the Astalian Freedom Zone Organization Conference scheduled to take place in the Katrinkan city of Bela Sida. Chancellor Campbell intends to cement Pistrix's position into the AFZO, which the nation applied for membership in after Directive 19 passed in the previous SCM session.
The main issue at the conference is expected to be the growing crisis in Especias, where the communist insurgency is gaining momentum every day. SC Campbell has stated Pistrix's formal support for the current nationalist government of Escpecias, but has yet to commit Pistrix with economic or military aid. There is hope that a united Kwasnian Continental alliance will be able to coerce a stability to the region.
This announcement comes at the same time that Katrinka finally appoints a new ambassador to their embassy in Pistrix. Lord Kiro of Agakanish will replace Sir Abdella Dirjir, who was carted back to Katrinka many months ago, stark raving mad. In a bizarre scandal with a battle of wills between Dirjir and the ambassador to the now defunct Montedoria on the Pistrix National Forum, the Katrinkan Ambassador apparently was befelled by some needlesnake meat at an undisclosed resteraunt in the capitol city of Anorak. Sir Abdella was victim to "needlesnake madness" a malody witch causes insanity in most cases, and a loss of appetite in others.
Project Everything a collosal flop at box office
The all-encompassing hype around the release of the three-hour movie epic, Project Everything was bound to result in some degree of letdown once the film debuted, however, the fallout from the abysmal reaction from critic and fan alike is likely to revirberate for years to come.
Box office returns were much slower than expected over the opening weekend of the film, and have virtually dropped off the plane of existence since then. Stock prices from Omniplex Studios has plummetted over the past week, and several key executives have been fired or quit. The movie's director, Harli Grumblestien, has not been seen in public for months before the release of the film, perhaps in ominous forknowledge of the overwhelmingly negative reaction the movie has received. Several stars of the film were attacked and chased from the premiere in Port Allegro, even before the movie had ended. Even the Pistrix military is considering awarding civilian demerits to the key makers of this spectacular bomb.
Already, one infamous distinction will be dubiously awarded to the movie. The Pantancaron Awards, which has a category for "Worst Movie of the Year", will rename the award for this film, and will have no other nominees for the award this year. In fact, some of the Awards officials want to cancel the entire Awards ceremony this year, after the "pathetic display of cinema that Pistrix has recently been subjected to."
Commies on the rampage in Especias
Furrowed brows graced the foreheads of political worriers all across the continent, today, as news broke of an insideous communist movement spreading throughout the Republic of Especias. Pistrix's neighbor to the south has been a cordial trading partner, with whom our nation shares the longest unobstructed highway on the continent, the Kwasinan Road. Now, however, the national government in the capitol of Santiago are beseiged with turmoil, and a militant group calling themselves Especia Libre have declared their intention to overthow the legitimate government.
Supreme Chancellor Michelle Campbell spoke briefly today at her donkey ranch in Bol Cambus, regarding the uprising. "Pistrix supports our friends to the south, the legitimate government of Especias. And though we may sympathize with those who might have issue with their government, we cannot condone neither communist philosopies nor a forced overthow of our neighbor's legitimate government."
Many thoughout Pistrix were much more vocal than the Supremem Chancellor in condemning the Especian rebels. Several government and military officials suggested that the turmoil in Especias is dangerous, and might spread north if we are not careful. "We must be mindful of the situation in Especias." said General Lance Grubb, stationed in Rezac. "The international communist conspiracy means to enslave us all under the yoke of their hedonistic ways."
Indeed, the general dislike for communism is widespread in Pistrix, but there are still those, just as in Especias, who would turn to the "commies" to assist them, as their government has failed to time and time again. In fact, there are low whispers now of the horrifying possibility of yet another civil war in Pistrix. Still, the vast disproportion of reds vs. commie-haters negates the possibility of such a major conflit flaring up anytime soon in Pistrix.
Still, the crisis in Especias is quite real, and many wonder what the Pistran government will do to support the national government in Especias to fight the communist insurgents. Could Pistrix's still-enormous army be called into action to support the Especians? Is, perhaps, a military alliance in Pistrix's future with the former Montedorian sattelite state? Or could SC Campbell avoid getting Pistrix involved in such a troublesome conflict?
Prostitutes doing it to fight tooth decay
Local prostitutes in the pineapple district of Port Allegro are walking the streets with a purpose this month: to stamp out tooth decay. Oral hygene has rapidly declined in the poorer sections of Pistrix since the onset of the Fifth Civil War several years ago, and the hooker community has been no exception.
"People are working longer hours these days to stay afloat." says one Port Allegro prostitute who asked not to be mentioned by name. Becky Hartlett then went on to say, "Nobody has time to brush properly anymore, and the things we put in our mouths (food items) are just rotting our teeth away."
Streetwalkers in the area are donating one quarter of their earnings to a fund to provide dental care to those who cannot afford checkups and simple fillings. Many have praised the ladies of the evening, for having hearts of gold, and giving back to the community they have serviced for these many years.
Still, others denounce the means by which the money is being raised. One granite miner's wife living in the Scumsburg district with her seven children said, "I don't want my kids mouths touched by hands that touched money that touched whores, that touched other men like my no good husband! It's not right!"
Regardless, prostitutes in Port Allgegro are not taking the dental care problem lying down. They have reached out, and are meaning to give themselves to the people that need them the most.
"Project Everything" released Friday!!!!!
At long last, the moviegoing public need not wait any longer for the ever-anticipated motion piture epic, Project Everything, the three hour masterpiece of legendary Pistran director, Harli Grumblstein.
"We expect Project Everything to shatter box office records like a mighty Pistran warrior shatters the skulls of the nefarious needlesnake." boasts Executive Producer Jo Jo McTastrophy at a press conference yesterday. Indeed, it is expected that the star-packed movie will easily eclipse any and every movie that dares even show this weekend. In fact, some are predicting that "The Making of: Project Everything", a seven hour documentary chronicling the production of the five year cinematic wonder, which premiers the same night, will finish a distant second in box office sales over the weekend.
Movie watchers have been riled into a fever pitch over the procrastinated release and overwhelming hype over this monumental landmark in Pistran cinema. "Project Everything will make all of our lives worth living." raved one hopeful viewer, while another simply exclaimed, "Boffo! I'm in cubes, chum!"
Indeed, Project Everything is expected to have something for everyone. comedy, terror, romance, intrigue, and high drama are reputed to swarm thoughout an intricate plot which guarintees to spellbind and enchant audiences across Pistrix. Movie trailers are expected to premiere on TV tonight.
Project Everything is in fact everything but watchable!
Like all of you I expected a lot out of this film. Five years in the making, packed with stars, the biggest budget for any movie in Pistrix, sailing on the strongest winds of hype that any movie in history has ever had. If only this three hour piece of mind-numbing crap was a tenth as good as this week's "Bikini University", or even the masterpiece of failure "RSVP - Racoons Save Vacation Park!", I'd be able to rant to you why this movie blows ... but I can't. Have you ever heard of someone getting amnesia because of a traumatic event? It's the brain's means of protecting the person from experiences that may emotionally cripple the person for life. Well that's what happened to me. I am unable to recall any details of the viewing Project Everything, and it is my belief this happened as a means of protecting my own sanity.
What I do remember from watching Project Everything, besides vague colors, and that catchy new Enrique Jean Claude song, was the ear-splitting sound of multiple sighs of relief that errupted from the audience as the ending credits rolled up. When I went home after the movie, I took three consecutive showers and had a colonic, but I could not shake the stink, the filth, the curse of Project Everything.
This will be my final review, for I no longer believe in movies.
-Oscar Williwump
PIBB is getting closer to catching the Angry Bomber
The Pistrix Investigative and Betterment Bureau (PIBB) continues to follow its many leads and intuitions to assist in the apprehension of the delinquent exploding explorer known by most of Pistrix only as "The Angry Bomber." A PIBB spokesman hinted that there might be potentially startling evidence as to the identity and whereabouts of the Angry Bomber, somewhere that the PIBB may one day eventually find.
A near-break in the case happened on Wednesday, when security cameras at a laxative refinery in Prudelior targeted by the Angry Bomber, actually caught the culprit in the act of planting a bomb there! Unfortuantely, the security camera and the incriminating tape were destroyed in the blast that leveled the refinery. Still, law enforcement officials are optomistic that this latest near-slip-up by the mysterious bomber will be the harbinger of more clues to come.
PIBB Chief, Cyrus Hornswaggle, had a personal message to the Angry Bomber during his after-breakfast press conference yesterday. "Angry bomber," Chief Hornswaggle announced. "once more, I am giving you one last chance to come forward and surrender before we continue to look for you. You might as well give up now, because the laws of probability state that we will eventually find you before you die of any natural causes. Why waste time living in fear of the inevidable?"
Later, it was suggested that the Angry Bomber himself had been at the press conference, wearng a large, bomb-shaped hat, and phospherous suspenders, and was reported as laughing hysterically at the PIBB Chief's remarks. This could not be confirmed, however, as such attire and behavior are apparently quite common at Chief Hornswaggle's many press conferences.
Meanwhile, at a shoelace synposium in Butler Town, an undivided congregation of cobblers called for the arrest of the Angry Bomber. When asked why such a story was newsworthy, Butler Town Chamber of Commerece head, Mary Sumblebee responded, "What do I look like, the Queen of Justification? Just print the (expletive) story!" No photograph of the Queen of Justification was available at the time, so Queen Mary was taken at her word. The deleted expletive started with an "F", and rhymed with "truckin".
Puppeteers pick up slack from clown strike
The void left in the party enterainment world, left by the recent clown strike, is now being filled by members of the puppet community. Members of the Puppeteers Guild, and the Union of Puppet Wranglers are volunteering their services at discounted rates during the strike, to avoid a phenomenon of substandard birthday, anniversary, retirement, and batchelor parties, among other social events which currently feel the pinch of the Federal Union of Clowns' mass strike of professional clowns across Pistrix.
Puppeteers, normally considered far too expensive to appear at any party or social function other than those hosted by large corperations or the ultra-rich, have increased the demand for a higher standard of entertainment across the country. Movies once deemed classic masterpieces, are now reviled for their extravogent inadequacies in the field of enjoyment. Long-standing television shows are being cancelled for "agrigious suckletude", and many music groups and stars are being boycotted for chronic lameness in quality and style. Even food is not immune to the higher standards being drawn by Pistrans. For bacon enthusiasts, frying is out, and sauteing is in.
"The people of Pistrix demand better from our entertainers." said Larry Hoaxe, a tennis instructor from Boldgrad. "Nowadays, a level of clownhood in our entertainment is not good enough. We demand puppetocity!"
Soda execs defend new "Jiffy Deluxe"
A hail of contreversy has met the Jiffy Cola Bottling Company ever since the release of its newest creation, Jiffy Deluxe last week. After a closed door meeting last month by the Jiffy Cola executives, the new soft drink was released to a shocked and confused public. An unidentified company employee suggested that the executives were holding some sort of seance, where Jebus himself apparently ordered them to replace their original formula with this new, "more holy" recipe before the end of the year, or He would obliterate the world.
Both the original Jiffy Cola and new Jiffy Deluxe have recipes which are carefully guarded company secrets. While few have ever questioned the chemical content of the original formula, Jiffy Deluxe has been plaued with rumors as to its composition. Some say that it is merely old cases of Jiffy Cola, left forgotten in the basement for 40 years or so. Others think that the original recipe has been constituted into a powder, and is brewed with tap water similar to coffee or tea. There are many specualtions to possible ingredients, including: pickle brine, elevator varnish, placenta fluid, hampster bile, kerosene, liquified clams, and pear juice.
Regardless of the contents of new Jiffy Deluxe, it is widely agreed that it tastes terrible. Still, Jiffy's Executives defend the drink's, abrasive flavor. "Jiffy Deluxe tastes spectacular! You all must have tasted something else."
Clowns threaten to strike after negotiations end in disaster
The party entertainment industry holds its collective breath across Pistrix, as professional clowns across the country prepare to go on a mass-strike next week. The clown industry has been in exteremly high demand recently, as the new and popular custom of celebrating one's birthday on a monthly basis has lead to a rapidly growing market for party clowns to appear at gatherings all across Pistrix. Meanwhile, recent court rulings against injured clowns seeking compensation for work related injuries has set an ominous legal precidence for clowns to be subjected to repeated attacks from dart-weilding gradeschoolers, without recourse from the courts. The combination of poor pay, long, grueling hours and hazardous work, has incited the Federal Union of Clowns to call for a general strike of the entertainers, until conditions are rapidly improved.
The union's representatives demand a newly-set pay scale for professional clowns, health and dental insurance, as well as paid sick time for injured clowns, and for government funding of three new clown colleges, so that new entertainers can strengthen the workforce. The government's chief negotiator, Minister Jake Rezac, apparently under the assumption that the meeting with the clown union members was really a surprise party for him, laughed hysterically at each of the union representatives' demands, and the meeting ended abruptly, when the Minister impaled the lead clown negotiator with a party dart.
Enraged clowns across the country are vowing to stop their services at midnight next Tuesday, unless their demands are met, and Minister Rezac apologizes to the widow of the fallen negotiator.
Meanwhile, citizens are preparing for the worst. Gag shops report a record setting run on giant inflatable punching clown dolls, and there are seltzer shortages in several cities thoughout Pistrix. Stand-up comedians, failed clowns, and hobos are preparing their acts to attempt to fill the void as scabs, should the professional clowns strike. If and when the strike commences, there's no telling how long the citizens of Pistrix will be forced to go without thier goofy antics, and joy-fueled mayhem.
Skleenball officials continue to clash
The absence of play and the bitter conflict in the Skleenball League Office does not deter the teams from conducting their regular business. The United Skleenball Association of Pistrix has postponed league play indefinetly, until it is determined exactly who is in control of the Commissioners Office. After the referees revolted aganst the league, who tried to remove the rule allowing the referees to compete in league play, there has been on ongoing power struggle between the referees and the USAP league officials. Meanwhile, most of the teams continue to practice, in hopes that the new season can be started soon. The Dethcom Dynamics team has announced a minor change to thier nickname. Instead of being called the "Bloody Raiders", they will now be called the "Bloody, Bloody Raiders". The Bananco Chaps continue to fine thier players for not participating in league games, due to an unusual stipulation in thier contracts. Finally, the Pistek Labrats and the Savage Comics Impalers are nearing completion of trading their entire teams to each other. Indeed, the people of Pistrix miss thier grand game of Skleenball, and eagerly await its return to the bloodsoaked fields of competition.
"Snides" officially decreed as new Pistran word
The Pistrix Bureau of Many Things (PBMT) has announced that a new word be officially added to the Pistran language. The word has a long and checkered history as its meaning has varied widely, from superlative to epiteth. The 1497 edition of the Official Pistrix Tome of Words (& Their Meanings), defined "snides" as: "a colloquialism used to describe a person, object or happening as being snidish; snide-like or pertaining to a snide". In 1499, when the treasury was nearly bankrupt, the Dual Emperors decreed that the use of unofficial words would result in a substancial fine. When reading or hearing of this preocalmation, citizens would often exclaim, "Snides!" out of reflex to their disapproval of the situation. They were promptly fined, and the treasury was filled for a time. During the Fifthe Civil War, the renegade word became a battlecry fro many rebelling armies, as they carged into battle against the Emperors' massive forces. Now, the PBMT has announced that they have decided to declare the word an official member of the Pistrix lexicon. While there has been some pressure to remove the "No Unofficial Words" law from the books, The PBMT stands firm to the adherence to such a snidely regulation.
Army developing new weapon to combat "Monkey Swarm"
The Pistran Army surronding the monkey infested town of Phalisor has developed a new plan to eliminate the monkey swarm. Scientists from Pistek Laboratories are now developing new monkeys with explosive charges implanted in their bodies, and television cameras strapped to their heads. It is hoped that Army technicians can use these explosive monkeys to infiltrate the monkey populace and curb the monkeys' infestation of the city.
"We are hopeful that the explosive monkeys will be able to infiltrate the monkey hiarchy." stated Gen. Ernst Lenin Jr., who commands the army's effor to rid the city of its primate infestation. "If they can successfully interact with the monkeys controlling the town, we can monitor thier progress by remote television signals. Once they have made their way to key monkey-intense sectors, such as their breeding grounds, water supply, and monkey command centers, we can detonate the explosives contained within the agents, thus disrupting their ability to thrive within the city." Shortly after the General's statement, a senior military agent came forward and insisted that they had no knowledge of what the General called "monkey command centers". When asked to clarify, Gen. Lenin denied that he made the statement, and quickly departed, singing loudly and with his ears covered.
Defender apologizes for wrongful implications
The Pistrix Defender would like to apologize for wrongfully making suggestions as to who might be guilty of the henous crimes which the Angry Bomber has been implicated in. In a recent article, it was suggested that the Angry Bomber might be a man or a woman. However, The Pistrix Investigative & Betterment Bureau has informed us that they are convinced that it was indeed a man who is responsible for the crimes. The PIBB states that women to not posess the dexterity or intellectual capacity to commit such acts and still evade the authorities, as the Angry Bomber has done. Indeed, the PIBB informs us that only a male would have the physical and mental resources to have this kind of effect on the country that, they remind us, "relies on the superior reasoning skills and dominating strength of the men who rule it". The Pistrix Defender apologizes to the loyal and obident women of Pistrix for suggesting that they could even be capable of such actions.
Project Everything set to be released soon
Moviegoers all across Pistrix are eagerly awaiting the release of the long-heralded epic, Project Everything. The movie, produced and directed by the legendary director Harli Grumblstien, has been over five years in the making, and touts an all-star cast that includes Yancy Springwright, Fu Ku King, Seductra, Sven Hossenfepper, and the late Marty Sullivan.
A shroud of mystery has enveloped the movie since production started. The film was shot on location at sites all across Pistrix, including Mt. Kwali, The Tower of Triumph, the Extremely Holy Cathedral and the Isle of Jest.
The film will be released in a few weeks, shortly before nominations are expected to come out for the perstigious Pantancaron Film Awards. Omniplex Studios is hoping the release of their most expensive and publicized movie in history will coincide with the numerous nominations that Project Everything is expected to recieve
Chet Parabola dislikes Pistrix
I spit on you all, you vomitous sacks of evil. Your henous acts of contemptable prattling have left me with an angished sense of empty shame that I cannot wipe your corrosive civilization off of the cursed land you have infested for so very long. My only recourse of redemption on this unholy valley of pitiless decay is to force upon you all the terrible truth that you and your vile country is the parisitic diseased syst on the dirtiest, most corrupted limb of the tree of life. Your lifestyle sinks far beyond the lowest depths of depravity, your grooming habits are reprehensible at best, and your odor make even the mountains wretch in convuslions. What glorious paradise would result, if only you were consigned to the death throes of the vanquished evil that created the gruesome existence which you all are the origin. Your hideous shapes fuel my nightmares with a terror that mortal men dare not subject themselves to, lest they renounce posession of thier conscious will to summon reason and sentience in their crippled minds and mortally wounded souls. Your era of insolence leaves me crestfallen with sorrow. I loathe you all.
Pistrix Crown Jewels pilfered on the high seas
The Crown Jewels of Pistrix, one of the most enduring landmarks of the country's royal heritage, were stolen by pirates on Wednesday. The jewels, valued at over 7,000 mililiters of mercury, were being taken on thier bi-monthly voyage around the Podosan Sea, when an unknown ship boarded the small wooden vessel, Cagliona, and looted the treasured artifacts from the custodians.
The Crown Jewels dated back to before the days of the dual-emperorship, and have long since served as asymbol of old Pistran loyalty. When the senile left-handed Emperor Yigi ordered the jewels exiled in 1291, curators of the Pistrix Royal Museum sent the jewels away in order to trick the elderly Yigi into believing that his orders had been carried out. Then the jewels were returned to Pistrix, until the Emperor saw that they had come back a few weeks later. He repeated his command constantly, apparently unaware of his previous orders' noncompliance. This occured nearly forty times, until his death in 1293. The tradition has been carried out twice a month since then, of sailing the jewels out to sea and returning them to Anorak under cover of darkness.
Now, it seems that the routine exposure of these priceless jewels in international waters has backfired, as renegades have made off with the treasure clean. Some officials are blaming lefty radicals, who call the Pistrix Crown Jewels symbols of right-handed oppression, which often exemplified the old royal families of Pistrix. Still, others expect that they were merely pilfered by pirates who learned of the unarmed wooden sailing ship's route and schedule ahead of time. Others disclaim the pirate theories, due to the lack of eyepatches in any of the suspect descriptions.
The Pistrix Investivative and Betterment Bureau has begun a thourough investigation, but states that if they can't find the perpetrators, it's not their fault, because the crime was committed at sea, and salt water is bad for forensics.
Angry Bomber continues policy of bombing things
The terror agent known as "The Angry Bomber" continues to befuddle law enforcement agents, as he or she has struck in numerous places thoughout Pistrix over the last few weeks. Yesterday, a series of bombings occured in stores belonging to the retail chain "The Sunglass Shack', in 8 different malls across the country. In Qaznee last week, a bomb ripped through the Whinnee's Plant, the leading manufacturers of horse diapers in Pistirx. Also last week, the Insect Museum in Butlertown and the Smile City Bordello in Prudelior were victims of the deadly detonatoins of the Angry Bomber.
Local authorities claim a victory over the bomber in Brianton, however, as police there managed to find a bomb in a bottlecap werehouse. While the police only had time to escape the werehouse before it exploded, Station Chief Arnold Fez claims a moral victory in finding it before it blows up. "We're one step ahead of you, Angry Bomber, whoever you are, and if you're listening!" Fez exclaimed at his daily press conference las Tuesday. Still, the Angry Bomber remains uncaught, and it is not known how long his or her reign of terror will continue.
Daredevil convinced of folly
Daredevil Harvey Trulux was scheduled to perform his most dangerous stunt ever at Needlesnake Wash yesterday, jumping his fameous dump truck filled with dynamite over a 500 meter lava flow caused by last week's eruption of a previously unkown volcano. This stunt was meant to be an attempt to petition the Smarmington Chamber of Commerce to reconsider naming the new volcano Mount Trulux, as was voted by local inhabitants of his hometown. Instead, he was talked out of the reckless attempt at posterity by his mother, Mrs. Sally Trulux, who familiarized him with his accomplishments, and cataloged reasons of why he should continue to live. Her arguments were apparently convincing, much to the chagrin of the local inhabitants who had paid 2 pisticks each to witness the proposed stunt. In a conciliatory gesture, Truluxgave each spectator a stick of dynamite, then announced his retirement from death defiance, and rode of with his mother in his empty dump truck.
"Angry Bomber" strikes with impunity
Cities all over Pistrix are reeling from the simultaneous attacks that are believed to be the work of a single individual the media has dubbed, "The Angry Bomber". Using timed explosives set to go off a 6:18 pm last Monday, the mysterious bomber destroyed various buildings and infrastructures in most of the major cities in Pistrix. Among those struck were, a sponge depository in Loganbury, an aqueduct in Rezac, a bathhouse in Boldgrad, a parking garage in Port Allegro, and three Squishyburger restaurants in Anorak.
While no one was hurt in any of the blasts, many citizens suffered termendous inconvinence because of the damages. Production ground to a halt at the Buttricks Flute Factory in Devanill, after debris from the nearby tomato silo that was targeted by the Angry Bomber, covered the factory's proving ground with radioactive powder. Elemantary school students in Squishyville were forced to forgo their expected snow day, after the exploding napalm arsenal melted all the snow, allowing for safe travelling on the roads. The whaling station in Evilopolis was put out of comission for several months after the bomber's attack. Veteran whale hunters will be forced to fall back on seal clubbing and walrus poisoing to keep up demands.
Some are suggesting that there really is no "Angry Bomber" at all. Al Testic, the owner of a timed explosives shop said, "Explosives are simply used as a tool in hunting and self defense. In fact, most phesant hunting is done with timed explosives these days. The idea that timed explosives would be used for blowing things up is perposerous." Others, like the National Timed Explosives Association (NTEA) agree. They claim that "The Angry Bomber is merely a character created by the media and soft-hearted whiners who want to take away our Jebus-given rights. Those buildings probably collapsed on their own."
Authorities are describing the perepetrator as "a person of some kind, who likes to blow things up, and apparently, is angry." Citizens are asked to be on the lookout for any persons matching this description.
Marquis de Brianton denounces the poor
"Poverty is just an excuse for not paying your taxes." This was the message suggested by Supreme Council Member Grand Marquis de Brianton yesterday at the national tax collectors convention in Port Allegro. Brianton, the keynote speaker at the convention, went on to accuse the poor of "living in squalor on purpose" and suggesting that if they really wanted to, they could pay the regular 14% tax on Class C and D citzens. "Local laws reward poverty by allowing the poor to pay a reduced level of taxes, or none at all! What makes them better than us?" Brianton went on to call for new legislation to punish those who do not make enough money, and to improve dental care for tax collectors, which drew a mighty cheer from the tartar-infested conventioneers.
Many, like Supreme Council Member Queen Qaasim, reject the notion of punishing the poor, and lean the other way, towards increasing government support of the downtrodden. Others, like Supreme Council Member Logan Blackwell, don't seem to care. Still, the question about what to do with the large population of poor people continues to ferment.
Citizens in New Phalisor grateful for what they have
Little Billy will get a wonderful new gift for Jebus Day this year, the gift of a new home. He, like many Phalisorians have found themselves driven from their town by hordes of monkeys who now inhabit the streets and houses of Phalisor. Still, the citizens of that city have not been deterred, and have settled in nicely into the recently constructed encampment, they have dubbed "New Phalisor". While the glorious Pistran Army ponders a way to liberate their old home, the Phalisorians continue to settle into the increasingly less-temporary town they have built, just a few miles outside of Phalisor.
Little Billy loves his new gift, a home fashioned from an enormous crate used to transport an artillery cannon that was used to fire chemicals into his hometown. "I like my new town. I don't ever want to leave."
Indeed, many of the Phalisor citizens have found a fresh start in this settlement. Once-jobless workers find themselves busy building temporary housing for the townsfolk, disgraced police officers once again patrol the streets, and convicts are given a second chance, after it was realized that the styrofoam walls of the temporary prison would not hold them. Perhaps, for the citizens of Phalisor, the gift of a new town is the greatest Jebus Day present of all.
Tower of Triumph renovations completed
In a grand ceremony just outside of Bol Cambus this morning, a 70 meter titanium shaft topped with a silver statue of the Grey Pigeon of Pistrix was hoisted into position at the summit of the Tower of Triumph, the national symbol of Pistran greatness. Renovations on the Tower were finally completed after 10 months of heavy construction. Thousands of man-hours of labor were invested in not only constructing the massive crown of the tower, but reenforcing the support sturctures of the ancient building to keep the nation's greatest monument from collapsing from under the new weight. The crown of the tower, containing an infromation kiosk and a number of gift shops, will allow tourists to venture up to the peak of the now-tallest structure in Pistrix.
Unfortunately, the ancient superstructure of the tower would not allow for an elevator to be built inside the, so tourists are required to traverse the 96 story climb by the stairwell. There is an alternative on the way down, however. Gift shops at the top are offering parachutes to tourists to make the trip down quicker and more scenic. Admission into the tower is 0.6 ml of mercury, although the parachutes at the top cost 20 ml.
Attending the ceremony were several government officals including Supreme Council Members Nathan Blackwell and Lady Cyndella Devane. A small group of demonstrators, protesting the Tower's renovations were quickly won over with the promise of chili fries at the banquet.
Still there are concens about the ongoing construction project nearby, where an obscure religous sect calling themselves "The Affectionate Slaves of Pu" appears to be building a foundation for a massive tower of their own. Should they complete their own tower so close to the Tower of Triumph, local civil war veteran Hal Brunswick says, "It would stand as an insult to anybody who calls themselves Citizens of Pistrix. Shame!"
Hundsucker awaits verdict in Itaxudri
Closing arguments were completed last evening in the trial of the accused war criminal, Archibald Hundsucker, and the decision is now in the hands of High Court Judge, Maryann Silt. Soon, Judge Silt is expected to bring down a verdict, ending the longest and the last of the war crimes trials of the Fifth Civil War.
Hundsucker was himself a judge for nearly 30 years during the Emperors' reign throughout Pistrix. He was considered one of the most ruthless and cruel of the Imperial Judges, "presiding over the southern region with a gavel of terror", said the prosecuting attorney Rich Woodey.
"Guillitene Fred", as his constituents who were apparently misinformed as to his correct name, called him, was reknowned for his harsh judgements with little in the way of definitive proof. He was particularly fond of ordering the condemned to chop their own arms and legs off, or be beheaded.
Judge Silt is expected to come down with a guilty verdict, and will likely order Hundsucker's execution by lethal injection.
SCM Campbell helps decorate Jebus Day Ox
Supreme Chancellor Michelle Campbell attended the tradional ox dressing ceremony at King's Park in Anorak today. The ceremony,where the national Jebus Day Ox is dressed in a tuxedo and put on display in the park, was traditionally the right of the Emperors before they were ousted from power.
The tradition of dressing an ox and putting it on display is fast becoming a national custom throughout Pistrix. Local businesses and even individual families are purchasing oxen and decorating them with their finest garments to celebrate the beloved holiday for Pistrans of all ages and citizen classes.
Oxen lots are being found throughout Pistrix, and Swivey Industires is even offering "artificial oxen" made of fiberglass for those who cannot afford a live ox. "Soon, an ox will be in every parlor and home in Pistrix during Jebus Day-time.", predicts ox salesman Hans Gretall.
"This is the time of year that we all can join together in peace and love.", said Campbell, upon putting the ceremonial top hat on the national Jebus Day Ox, who, as tradition dictates, will be butchered and served for the Chancellor's great feast on Jebus Day.
Phalisor Monkeys overcome gas attack
Recent gas attacks on the now-abandoned town of Phalisor, aimed against the hordes of monkeys that now reside there, have proven ineffective. The town, which was ecavuated of its townspeople last week, was subjected to the releasing of dicomplexticide canisters fired into the town by the surrounding army units. Unfortunately, the toxic chemicals were negated by fumes from the monkey excriment which now layers much of the town. It seems that an unforseen chemical reaction between the primate droppings and the dicomplexicide powder results in a much lighter poisonous vapor than previously intended, and the gas cloud that was hoped to envelop the monkey-infested city, instead rose above the town and was carried westward by the wind, toward the Pistrix/Albanaudh border. Air Corps planes are expected to seed the cloud to allow it to dissipate before crossing the border, and killing hundreds of our neighbors.
Meanwhile, the residents of the town have set up a temporary settlement nearby to wait for thier chance to return to their quarenteened city. Calling the settlement "New Phalisor", Mayor Ernst Hoobek calls the spirits of the Phalisor citizens as "optomistic and eager". The army continues to study other alternatives to eliviating the monkey problem in Phalisor.
LOCAL NEWS
Pistrix Lottory Commissioner charged with fraud
Authorities arrested Pistrix Lottory Commissioner Hagan Drib yesterday, for misappropriation of lottery earnings. It seems that each of the 65,000 kiloliter merc jackpots has been awarded to Mr Drib or a relative, since the lottory's inception in mid-1501. Facing arrainment on Wednesday, Drib is forced to resign his post as Lottory Comissioner, and the Lottory Office will be temporally shut down for retooling. The new Lottory Commissioner will be Hagan's twin brother, Ernie Drib, who has vowed "Nobody will ever find that he has embezzled from the lottory funds."
Skleenball Referees usurp control of game
The Skleenball Referees Union has seized control of the professional skleenball office after league officals attempted to revoke the rule allowing referees to actively compete in matches. The rule for referee participation was created at the start of last season, and resulted in the referees winning every match played the entire year. The officials reponded by announcing that they were ejecting the league officials from the league, and would operate the administrative aspects themselves.
Meanwhile, players and former league officials are rallying together to challenge the referees' takeover. The Referees Union stands firm that they will control the game. Spectators now wonder if the upcoming season will be cancelled, and if a "Skleenball Civil War" is on the horizon.
Until the situation in the Skleenball Administration is resolved, it is not known whether Wise Old Man Co. will be allowed to sponsor an expansion team.
My hatred for you all returns with still greater wrath
It sorrows me greatly to see that you blasphemous mounds of diseased phlegm continue to plague this forsaken valley which you call a country. I have returned from my sebatical, stranded on the bloated corpse of a skinned dolphin, sustaining myself on dead seagulls and my own urine, and fending off raveous sharks with my own extracted rib. Still, it was as glorious as a morphine rush in Shangri-La, compared to the putrid vermin-infested, disease-ridden, profane, apocryphal, catatonic, sludge leviathan that I had the terrible misfortune to return stranded too. Oh cruel Fate! What singular atrocity did I commit in a previous existance to be condemned to such an impregnable wasteland of the soul? Why am I again marooned on this impermiable island of depravity? The demons sent to torment me in my next life could never have the sadistic imagination that my tormentors now posess. I would end my miserable existance here now, but I intend to unleash a proper reciprocity to all of the despicable goblins of this land of corrupted bile before I take my leave of this moral Hell that you have created just for me.
Poor soy harvest worries agricultural experts
Farmers throughout Pistrix are reporting the most disappointing soy harvest in almost 30 years, and some experts are prophecising a nationwide famine. Still, others are more optimistic. Professor Hornswythe, Head of Foodology at the University of Pork Valley in Raccoon Mound, states that "Thousands upon thousands of people will not necessarily die. Certainly there are other things to eat besides soy products, we'll just eat those this year."
Pistrix Director of Agriculture and Waste Disposal (AWD) Kim DelMonte agrees with this point of view, saying, "How bad could it be?" the AWD Department is planning to assist farmers with an emergency contingency plan which will initiate a number of surveys and polls in order to compile a study on what might be done if Pistrix runs out of food, and everybody dies.
Meanwhile, doughnut and soy meat prices are skyrocketing. Local Raccoon Mound street peddeler, Vic Uglet is quoted as saying "Cha-ching! Ha ha ha! Thanks, suckers! Wheee!"
Supreme Council Session ends in turmoil
The Second Session of the Supreme Council of Ministers wrapped up this week embroiled in controversy. As usual, a number of the proposed directives were bitterly disputed between the Ministers, but a number of additional factors has made this session one to be regarded for its tumultuousness for decades to come. For the first time, directives reaching a majority vote have failed to be passed by the Council.
First, Directive #33, the proposal to change the Supreme Chancellor title back to the original "Chancellor". This measure recieved a 56% approval vote from the SCM, but failed due to the fact that it would nullify Directive #2, from the First Session. The Pistrix Constitution states that a directive revoking a previous law would require a 75% approval in order to pass. Still, the Council showed a remarkable turnaround since the First Session, when only 33% of the Ministers voted to keep the original title of Chancellor.
Meanwhile, Supreme Chancellor Campbell has for the first time, excercised her veto power over passing issues by vetoing the controversial Directive #27, which would allow for harsher an more "creative" death penalties to be offered besides the current method of lethal injection. Calling on her campaign for human rights improvements following the Fifth Civil War, Campbell decried the Directive as "beneath Pistran dignity to plummet to such depths of moral decay". While the Church of Jebus and several granola groups have applauded the Supreme Chancellor on excercising her veto power, many political groups decry the action as despotism , and accuse the SC of "usurpung the power of the Supreme Council to form an absolute monarchy where she will rule with a cold, titanium fist."
Finally, there is the unprecidented deadline extention for the votes granted by Pistrix Bureau of Many Things (PBMT) Director, Duke Bold. After an apparent low vote reception following the Gratitude Festival, Director Bold extended the deadline so late Ministers could get their votes through in time. It is believe that the session's outcome would have been very different, if the original deadline had been enforced.
Pistrix soccer team triumphantly returns in shame
As the Scandian Cultural Symposium wraps up, The international soccer tournament continues, but without the participation of Pistrix's national soccer team, which made their competitive debut at the tournament. The Fighting Pigeons were eliminated in the first round, losing their three games 6-0, 2-0, and 2-0. While officially, the team is required to admit their cowarly shame of failing to represent Pistrix's mightiness in the global arena, their visit to Reichstadt for the Symposium is being hailed as an overwhelming sucess. The entire Pistrix delegation at the Cultural Symposium made a terrific splash with the other visitors, and should go a long way in improving Pistrix's relations with other counties.
The Pigeons returned in chains to Pistrix on Thursday, arriving at Port Allegro Airport to an elated crowd of well-wishers. Their "mock execution" yesterday was really more of a welcome home rally to the conquered heroes. Many of the team's members have already signed sponsership deals with such companies as Loser Flakes Cereal and Squshy Burgers.
Breaking News:
Montedorian Empire Collapses
The Conferderatio Montedoria has made a stunning announcement to the world today: The Montedorian Empire is dissolving as an international conglomerate. Their overseas posessions are to be granted independance, their national currency will be eliminated, their military stength is cut in half, their foreign aid is dissolved, their nuclear arsenal is to be destroyed, and their government is to undergo a complete reorganization.
This announcement is liable to have shockwaves around the world. As Montedoria was the principal member of SEMTO, this stands to severly weaken the SEMTO Alliance. Meanwhile, commonwealth states, such as Pistrix's neighbor to the south, Especias, will officially remain apart of the Montedorian Commonwealth, but not have any obligation to the Montedorian policies in the future.
Analysts speculate that this move will all but nullify Montedoria's global influence in economic and military matters, but the big question is why. What has caused argualby the most powerful nation in all of Scandia to collapse? The Socialist Republic govenment is wounded, possibly fatally, and may be replaced with some form of monarchy. Questions now arise as to the stability of Montedoria's political ideology.
Another result of this action, is the indefinite postponment of the Montedorian state visit to Pistrix, which was scheduled for next month. The Supreme Chancellor's Office will not respond to the situation at this time.
"Monkey Swarm" Problem Continues to Escalate
Supreme Council Session Deadline Extended
Saraphian Emirate Intends to Board International Ships
Poetry Contest Turns into Raging Brawl
This has caused an uproar among many nearby nations that commonly traverse the Posdosan Sea. Countries such as Kanjiri, Reichstadt, and Formotsina object to their civilian ships in international waters. The Central Republic of Venda has announced a restriction of naval travel through the region until the situation is cleared up. This will result in a significant drop off in trade for the Central Republic and countries in the area, including Pistrix.
The Chancellor's office made a brief statement earlier today regarding the Posdosan situation. Director Bold stated that the Supreme Chancellor was deeply concerned about the boarding policies of the Saraphian Emirate, calling the the boarding of vessels bearing the Pistrix flag "a disrespect to the soverignty of our nation." There was no word as to whether there would be another response to the Emirate.
Local sea merchants show varying degrees of shock and terror over the thought of being forcibly boarded by foreign military personnel. In Port Allegro, Capt. Burlapago of the merchant freighter "Hippopotamous Summer" said, "Dey be scarrin' da bejabbus outta me. Arrr..." Capt. Burlapago claims that his salty accent is the result of his fear of Saraphian soldiers commendiring his ship. Local authorities have been informed of the dialect alteration.
Edible Foodstuffs as Rare as Intelligent Conversation in Pistrix
Chancellor Calls for Pistrix Entry into AFZO
Pundits believe that this action is an attempt by the Chancellor to show conviction in the alliances controversy. Critics have continued to denounce the Supreme Chancellor for her indecisivness in the decision as to which side, if any, should Pistrix join in the global power struggle. The PKCC (People for Killing Chancellor Campbell) Committee, a political action group in Anorak, has called the move toward the AFZO, "an ineffectieve and cowardly cop-out to a useless alliance that hardly exists anymore."
Supporters of Chancllor Campbell, such as Elder Minister Dino Snyder, and Loganbury Sandwich Artist, Hal Brunswick, believe that the AFZO Alliance would be a step in the right direction. "It is too early for Pistrix to commit to a global superpower alliance at this time." said Minister Snyder from his estate in Dince today. "Montedoria's President and Vice President are coming for a state visit in a few months, and we do not yet have strong contacts with some of the WDL nations. It's an important decision, and we must wait for all the facts to come in."
Minister Snyder is expected to return to the capitol this week for the upcoming SCM Session. Meanwhile, the PKCC look to organize a protest at a local Squishyburger on 3rd St and Needlesnake Ave. Mr. Brunswick declined to answer questions.
Villainous Scoundrels Have Not the Dignity of a Decaying Swine Corpse
Referees Clinch Skleenball Title in a Laugher
Scandian Cultural Symposium begins in Reichstadt
Phalisor Monkey Swarm Continues to Escalate
Pistran Department of Tourism Vice President, Donny Chaps, calls the Symposium "a golden opportunity for Pistrix to enhance it's stature as a prime tourism hub in Kwasina." Corperate sponsorship also looks to boost Pistran economy, as Warlord Bank and Squishyville Enterprises are sponsers of the SCS.
Included in the events, is a global soccer tournament. Pistrix's newly-formed team, The Fighting Pigeons, will participate in this tournament, and will soon play their first ever organized soccer match.
You Simpletons Cannot Silence my Lone Voice of Reason
"I'm Down With The Up" Star Arrested
Katrinkan Ambassador called "Insane", removed
The debate took a bizzarre turn, when Katrinkan Ambassador to Pistrix, Sir Abdell Dirjir, was suddenly arrested and removed from office by Katrinkan authorities, on charges of corruption, misconduct, and possible insanity. The stunning arrest led to what is generally considered a clear victory by Montedoria and the SEMTO Alliance in winning support among the citizenry, although it is still too early to tell how the members of the Supreme Council will react.
There is no word from the Department of Diplomacy on a replacement for Dirjir as Katrinka's ambassador to Pistrix.
Defender columnist, Chet Parabola beaten by angry mob
Monkeys escape, run amok in Phalisor
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