The literal beliefs and doctrines of The Disciples of Jebus as interpreted by the Church of Jebus are not necessarily those of the current
political regime ... especially the part about not trusting other nations ... but of course we're all, uh, spiritual and believe in Jebus ... of course.
The Book of Pistrix 5:17
Because if you don't...
YOU WILL BE TORTURED FOR ETERNITY IN
TORTURE WORLD!!
BURN IN TORTURE
WORLD!!
---If you join our religion, you'll receive a Disciple of Jebus discount card that will get you great savings on all kinds of merchandise at participating stores!
---The Book of Pistrix says that Jebus is the only path! Why would you want to take a different path other than the correct path? It doesn't even make sense! Join the Disciples of Jebus and start making sense!
---Free Jebus autograph and iron-on patch!
---Jebus promises up to 25% more prayers answered than the leading religion!
---Endless idolization of the leaders of Pistrix!
---Fornication considered "not too bad"
---Lots of hot stock tips in disguise!
---Last but not least, The Ten Demandments, reproduced below here!
I. Thou shalt do so unto others as they would also have you upon them do the likewise motion....
(Our most cherished and sacred belief)
II. Thou shalt not wear thy neighbors' clothes unless in great emergency.
(As symbolically enacted on Stripping Day)
III. Thou shalt not cohort or conscribe with the confidence of a Needlesnake.
(That goes for "symbolic Needlesnakes", like peoples of other nations)
IV. Thou shalt dig a great hole whereupon every ten years you must appease your Lord Jebus by thowing your best and brightest people down this hole.
(This tradition has been "postponed" until another time ever since our "best and brightest people" have been in charge.)
V. Thou shalt not look up at the sky when it is cloudy, for the inhabitants of Paradise World live up among the clouds, and will punish your thoughtless sightseeing by sending you to Torture World.
(This demandment has been interpreted as "metaphoric" rather than literal, instead meaning "do not accept the beliefs of other people's religions as valid.")
VI. Engraven images should be at a low price, available to all in special stores that sell such products.
(We will attempt to live up to your teachings, Lord Jebus)
VII. Thou shalt chant passages of the Book of Pistrix by memory every day. If you miss a line of the sacred text you will be cast into Torture World.
(Metaphor is the grand legacy of religious interpretation. This passage no doubt means you must obey the words of Jebus, and to stray from that path is to wander into the woods of Torture World. No one's going to read that thing every day.)
VIII. Nothing Beats Skleenball and Jiffy Cola!
(We're still not too sure how this one got in there seeing as Jiffy Cola's only been around for sixty years...)
IX. Thou shalt ignore the poor and devote all your time acquiring material possessions, because I know you'll just do this anyways.
(Lord Jebus, we shall follow in your divine Word!)
X. Thou shalt aspire towards world domination, though at first you will be deceptive with other nations and feign peacefulness.
(Of course this is another example of "metaphoric meaning" and should be interpreted as such... )
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bearing remarkable similarity to fireworks