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THE END TIMES VOLUME III || ISSUE 3 || FEBRUARY 8, 2006 |
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Steroid Scandal Rocks JBU!A scandal rocked the University of Arkansas National Engineering Department Balsa Wood Bridge-Building Competition as two contestants tested positive for performance-enhancing steroids. The tests were part of a nationwide campaign against steroid usage led by former baseball hero/steroid junkie Raphael Palmero. "Originally we just tested athletes," said Palmero. "But when we started looking into it, we saw that steroid use was so prevalent that we needed to expand our effort to include the chess clubs, the debate teams, and even the spelling bees of America's youth. The bridge-building competition was part of this expansion." The two contestants, Freshman Barry Sosa and Sophomore Sammy Bonds, denied the allegations, saying that they had at no time taken any sort of chemical substance to enhance their chess game. "I'm no junkie," declared Bonds, "but if there were any steroids in my system when I was tested, it was probably the result of something I took without knowing it. You know, maybe that time when I accidentally sat on a syringe that happened to be lying with the needle sticking up. I never found out what was in that needle, or who put the needle there. But that's who we need to be going after, the guy who left the needle there sticking straight up so I would sit on it." Sosa has a different story. "I think this can be traced back to that time when my trainer gave me a needle full of something. I figured it would be ok, though. But now, I think it may have been him who gave me steroids. He's the guy we need to be going after, not me." In an interview with the End Times, John Brown University professor Dr. Jim Blankenship said, "Many people now have their own personal trainer." The two contestants will remain suspended pending further investigation. The Engineering Department did say that the two could return to the competition if they gave the names of four other bridge building contestants who also used performance enhancing steroids. |
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