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THE END TIMES VOLUME III || ISSUE 3 || FEBRUARY 8, 2006 |
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Graduation CancelledEarly this morning John Brown University issued a press release sadly proclaiming an end to all future commencement ceremonies. "We just couldn't risk it," stated one insider, "As everyone knows stressed college students are at an increased risk for spontaneous combustion. To know this and still place so many terrified graduates in the same place right after finals is just irresponsible." While most students understand that the university is simply trying to protect its charges, a few are noticeably miffed. "This is outrageous," shouted fifth-year senior Billy Jakobson, "I am a grown adult and fully capable of making decisions for myself. If I choose to risk a premature cremation, then that is my choice and not the University's." Other students were spotted earlier this afternoon streaking across the quad holding signs with slogans expressing "Golden Eagles Don't Burn; Secular Students Do!" and "Head, Heart, Ignite!" While there has been no official discussion about alternatives, one official did mention that the most logical scenario would be for all graduates to meet with the president at individual times to receive a firm handshake and curt "Well done." |
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