| Humie's Laughables!!! |
| It's only call misc. because I don't know how to spell miscelaneous, I mean miscellaneis, I mean...oh forget it! |
| Elementary, My Dear Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me the Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter part three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a moment, then speaks, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!" |
| Things to consider ~ 1> When someone asks you, "Can I ask you a question?", they don't really give you a choice do they? 2> When something is new and improved, which is it? 3> When a cop pulls you over, why does he ask you how fast you were going? 4> Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home 5> When one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? |
| Computers say weird things ~ 1> Southern DOS - Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) 2> Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... 3> Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue 4> Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue |
| How to bathe a cat ~ 1) Throughly clean, disinfect and rinse the toilet bowl. 2) Lift the lid and the seat. 3) Add shampoo to toilet bowl. 4) Find and soothe the cat as you carry it to the bathroom. 5) In one swift movement, place the cat in the toilet bowl and close the seat and lid. 6) Stand on the lid so the cat cannot escape. 7) The cat with self agitate and make ample suds (Ignore the ruckus from inside the toilet; the cat is enjoying this). 8) Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a power rinse that is very effective 9) Have someone open the closest door. 10) Stand as far away from the toilet while quickly raising the lid and seat. 11) A clean cat will rocket out the door to the yard, where it can air dry. |
| Chocolate ~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before every meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatitives make you look younger. Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get 1 thing done! A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top panyhose. An entire garment industy would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'. Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans = vegetables. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate bars contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. You can just forget about eating those lima beans and milk for dinner! If you've got melted chocolate on your hand, you ate it too slowly. How do you get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car? You don't, you eat it in the parking lot! |