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10.27.05 | 'It's Okay' is an Uncertainty
I really don't know what to do. Although I've finally gotten the scholarship, I didn't pass the quota that was supposed to be 2.5 and above. And I who was still shock from what I saw yesterday, still couldn't recover and needed to analyze some important points to verify it.
Okay. So I got a grade of 3. And from Philosophy 2 yet! I mean, how could this happen?! I know I have fair grades compared to my other classmates who also got a grade of 3. My notes are complete, I got a high grade in the Prelims exam,... what?! The only thing that I regret here is that I didn't come to the Consultation wherein I should've.
Then, just this morning, I went to visit Fe's blog since Jo Anne texted that she has a problem again. What I read from there was a nightmare. No, more than that. It really was terrible, and we didn't really expect it would happen. Just because of a single failure in Math, she couldn't enroll for the next semester until she could finally make up her mind on what she really wants. My only opinion is that I guess ECE really isn't for her at the beginning (since she really doesn't want that course), and that it's better than to have wasted the money and effort if she really wasn't interested in her course.
Hmmm... don't really know what to write except that after this, my mom, Claude and I are going to Recto today since Claude wanted to sell some of her High School books. Shem. I also wanted to have some money right now, but not from my books!! Even if I seldom read some of them, I would feel more comfortable whenever I see them in my shelves. Waaa... I want to have a library of my own someday! ^^
10.25.05 | Year 3000
Someone e-mailed these GIFs to me. Heheh, just wanna share them to you. ^^
More?
10.25.05 | Maybe, Just Maybe
I would finally get all over this delusion that's been boggling my mind. I thought, yes, I could somehow get through all this pain, but then, what're the ends of it? Then, okay, I'm just playing it all by myself. I thought, maybe, that it could happen, but no... Enough is enough. Let's start over again.
Well, okay. Even Claude kept trying to tell me, stop it... before it's too late. Then, I said, fine, I'll do it. I just have to be careful, and watch my limitations. So, yeah...
I'm doing flips again... -_-;;
Anyway, I really wanted to cut my hair again... Just cut it off... Please...
Stupid Website...
I hate hate hate what is happening right now... The grades I've been waiting for that I could only see hasn't arrived yet!... Argh... I hate it! Why should they schedule everything when in the first place, they won't do what they promised they would?!?
Stupid website... Stupid school...
10.23.05 | Hilo Ako...
Grabe. As in. Argh!!! Ayaw na nga mawala ng sipon ko, araw-araw na rin akong sumasakit ang ulo. Ewan ko. Haaayy, kung kelan ba naman kasi bakasyon saka ako ganito -- stressed out. @.@;
Nga pala... pumunta kami sa bahay nina Fe kahapon!!! Grabe, as in, super laki ng house nila ah! Ang daming pasikut-sikot... Heheh, gaya ng sabi ni Jarm, MALILIGAW KA SA LOOB. Ang presko pa. Kahit huwag ka nang mag-electric fan. Haha. Anyway, dahil wala naman kami gaanong ginawa, nanood kami ng Final Fantasy: Advent Children. Astig!!! Waaa!!! Crush ko si Reno! At ang cute ni Yuffie! Waaa... kung magko-cosplay ako, gusto ko si Yuffie! ^^ Ang cool talaga ng special effects, and like Fe said, super bilis ng laban! Kiyaaaahhh!!!
By the way, here's a pic of Yuffie. ^^
Photo from FF7ACMovie.com
Hee hee. Anyway, hmmm, I'm back to normal. As in, because, I think, of boredom, I decided to ORGANIZE MY WEBSITE. But, ahehehe, you won't see the changes not until my next layout is up already. K? ^^
Asar. I really don't what will he actually react about what I've been posting here. But... my mind is saying, "Who cares? This is supposed to be the place where you can throw out all your heartaches, thoughts, illusions, garbage?!? I don't know, but you oughta think about it carefully." Uh, so, yeah, my brain actually scolded me?!? Pftt.. :P
I'm going to cure myself. Bless me, Father God!
Oh yeah, and I'm quite excited of what would be the results of my hardships and slacking. :P Waaa!!! I just hope I don't get a 2.75 grade in all of my subjects!!!
10.21.05 | Hee hee...
-+- edited 13:36 -+-
PATAYIII!!! Grabe, as in, nakakahiya!!! Babasahin na niya ngayon!!! nu kaya reaksyon NIYA??? Putek kasi eh, bakit ko pa kasi pinabasa?? Nu ba problema mo, Rosa?!? Tangina ko talaga oh.. :P Waaaaaa!!! Mamamatay na talaga ako nito sa kahihiyan!!!
-+- end edit -+-
Ewan ko. Mukhang masaya ako ngayon, eh? Siguro dahil sa sinabi ni Fe-chan. Hmmm.. or sa ni-react niya. Kasi naman eh! Ay, naku, hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin masaksak sa utak ko na... kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, handa kang maghintay... handa kang magtiis... handa kang MAGPALAYA... ahem, mahirap ata iyun... ah, basta. Ewan ko talaga.
Nga pala, sa Lunes, MABABASA NA NIYA... hmmm, nu kayang reaksyon niya?... Ah, ewan. Sabi ko nga, bahala na. Pero dahil sa gusto niya marinig o malaman ang panig ko, hayan. Hahayaan ko na lang siya... kung siya yung mismong lalayo, o ako. Ewan ko. Nahihirapan pa rin akong mag-desisyon. Siguro nga dahil sa umiiral na naman ang pagka-makasarili ko... Sa totoo lang, ayoko talaga siyang mawala sa akin... Siya lang talaga ang lubos na nagpahalaga sa isang walang kuwentang tulad ko. Kung mawala man siya sa akin...
...ang hirap. Hindi ko rin siguro kaya. Alam ko, pareho kaming masasaktan. Pero bakit ko pa kasi gustong lumayo? Dahil, siguro nga, sabi ni Fe, ayoko ng may kahati. Kahit sobrang makasarili yung dahilan, ganun lang talaga kasi ako. Ang totoong Rosa. SAKIM.
Sabi rin ni Fe, "it's UNFAIR." Uh, medyo pakilinawan naman, Fe. Kaya't heto ang sabi niya sa akin:
"One can't love two people at the same time, if it is then let me call that UNFAIR... di patas na ikaw at ang GF nia, giving all of your and her love for HIM samantalang hati lang sa 2 ang pagmamahal ni Jra senio... UNFAIR talaga yon... "
Aray. Masakit ata iyon Fe. Lalo na sa panig niya. Teka, masakit ba, or just a realization? Ewan ko lang... Then, dinugtungan pa niya ng ganito:
"...di mo nman kailangan lumayo pero alam kong nahihirapan ka, kaze nadaanan ko na yan, although as y'know, ibang situation. unti lang sa mundo ang marunong mag-love UNCONDITIONALLY kaso kahet ganon... giving it your best to it, if I say so myself, loving someone unconditionally doesn't really last that long. You can do it only in a short span of time, eventually it makes you realize, that if you are hopeless... YOU ARE.. *ouch* okei self-realization saken eion, ewan ko seio, pero as I see it now... you're also giving up... no wrong choice of word, seem to be loosing patience? No matter what the outcome may be, it just has to happen soon. One can't really base the future on uncertainty, so look at me, I gave up. I know I have, twas 2 months ago? I think... newei... time really doesn't matter..."
O di ba? Sapol ako? Heheheh... Wala lang, share ko lang yung comment niya sa akin. Saka, medyo natuwa lang din ako dun. Aheheheh... pano, yung mga salitang hindi ko masabi o mai-explain, siya na mismo yung nag-provide ng mga salitang iyon para sa akin. ^^
Luv yah, Fe! ^^ Peace tau, ha? Hee hee!
Heheheheh... ang drama ko talaga. Ako ba talaga iyan? Grabe. Di ko carry! Hahahahahaha. Saka, in fairness, medyo nagpapakatotoo na ako ngayon ha. Ito kasi ang mga araw na Taglish ako magpahayag ng nararamdaman ko... teka, mali ata yung term. Pano, Filipino na ang gamit natin dapat ngayon, hindi Tagalog. :P Anyway, nasanay na rin siguro ako. Hahahah. Natatawa ako. Nawawala sa topic? Ayoko na kasi munang pag-isipan ang mga ganyang bagay. May, uhm, ilang araw pa ba ako bago mag-Monday? Hala, baka nga sa MONDAY NA AKO MAGING MAGALING (alam na niya to... :P). Although sabi nga niya, hindi niya hahayaang mangyari iyon. Ewan ko lang sa kanya. Feeling ko talaga is nagi-guilty lang din siya dahil sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon. Pero, llo-he??? Kasalanan ba niya na mahalin ko siya?!? Talagang ganito lang ako. Tuliro palagi pagdating sa pag-ibig. Yuck! XP
Nawawala na naman pala ako sa katinuan ko, hahahaha. Haaaay, wala lang. Dito ko lang kasi naibubuhos ang lahat ng mga pasanin ko eh. Wala na akong pakialam sa kung ano mang reaksyon ng iba. Basta mawala lang itong dala-dalahin ko. Minsan kasi, eto, talagang walang ibang makausap kungdi ang computer namin. Ini-isip ko nga eh, kung buhay lang tong PC namin, siguro, natuliro na rin sa mga pinagbubunganga ko rito at nilayasan na rin ako. Hahahahah. Ang sama-sama ko talaga.
Hayan. Kapag may ginagawa talaga akong masama, mas bumubuti ang pakiramdam ko eh. Siguro nga dahil ang totoong Rosa, MASAMA. Pinilit ko lang talaga dati na magpakabuti pero... mahirap. Masakit. Haaaay, pero ayoko naman na dahil din sa kasamaan ko, ay may madamay na ibang tao. AYOKO. Kaya nga't pinipilit kong magpakabuti. PARA SA KANILA.
Haaaay, naku, ayan na naman iyang "PARA" at "DAHIL" na iyan. Ayoko na. Huwag na lang. Tama na. Nakaka-asar. Ayoko ng umasa pang magkakaroon pa ng taong magsasabi sa akin na nabuhay siya sa mundo PARA sa akin. Ngek. Asa pa ako. Eh, tarantado naman ako? Wala talagang gagong magmamahal sa isang katulad ko. Eh, Rosa eh! Walang kasing sama. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Kung mayroon kayong kilalang psychiatrist, pakisabi naman. Ay, sige, huwag na pala. Alam kong hindi na rin ako gagaling. Habang buhay na rin akong BALIW. Hahahahahahah.
10.20.05 | I really am Stupid...
Kaninang madaling araw, nag-usap kami tungkol sa mga nangyayari sa amin ngayon. Sabi niya, naaalala pa raw niya noong sinabi ko sa kanya na 'hindi dapat sa isang tao lamang umiikot ang buhay niya.' Kaya ngayon, sabi niya, umiikot na raw ang mundo niya sa dalawang tao. Nag-iwan siya ng talinhaga. Pagkatapos noon, may pumatak na luha. May humingi ng sorry. May nagsabing, "hindi mo kailangang mag-sorry. Hindi mo naman kasalanan eh..."
"Nabuhay ako DAHIL sa kanya." Ako iyon. Kahit hindi ko alam kung paano, nagawa ko siyang bigyan ng ikalawang buhay upang magbago. Ang sabi niya, kung hindi dahil sa akin, nag-suicide na siguro siya noong mag-break sila ng girlfriend niya. Nandoon ako, concerned sa kanya. Siguro nga dahil mahal ko siya. Na kahit alam kong nasasaktan din ako noong mga panahong iyon lalo na noong nagkabalikan sila nang wala pang isang araw, nagtiis ako para lang sa kanya.
"Nabuhay ako PARA sa kanya." Kahit masakit, alam ko, nabuhay siya at nabubuhay para sa girlfriend niya. Oo, dahil karapat-dapat naman talaga sila sa isa't-isa. Ayoko nang sirain pa ang relasyon nila. Ayokong maging makasarili at agawin siya sa girlfriend niya. Ayoko siyang masaktan. Mas mabuti nang ako na lang ang magtiis kaysa siya.
Pero hindi ko rin kayang manatili na laging nariyan para sa kanya.
Ang hirap magpaka-plastik, pero ginagawa ko ito dahil alam kong masakit harapin ang katotohanan...
"... Mangako ka ulit sa akin... Hindi ka lalayo..."
"...ewan ko..."
"Please..."
"...hindi ko kaya..."
Ayokong maawa siya sa akin... ayokong mahirapan siya dahil sa akin... pero kailangan niyang pumili...
Minsan, pakiramdam ko, napaka-makasarili niya... pero hindi ko siya pag-aari... hindi ko kayang kontrolin ang buhay niya... ako lang itong talagang nagpapakatanga dahil mahal na mahal ko siya...
Oo, sige. Tanga na nga ako. Napakamalas ko na nga sa pag-ibig eh... nagpakatanga pa lalo ako dahil nagmahal ako ng isang lalaking may girlfriend na. Alam ko naman na mahal na mahal niya ang girlfriend niya. Bakit pa kasi ako umasa? Ayan tuloy, nahihirapan na ako sa situwasyon ko ngayon...
Alam ko. At ramdam ko. Mahal din niya ako... pero masakit nga lang isipin na may kahati ako... Ang malas ko talaga. Nagmahal nga ako ng isang tao, pero hindi naman niya ito nagawang suklian... Nagmahal ako ng iba, pero kahit mahal din niya ako, hindi puwedeng maging kami dahil may girlfriend na siya.
Hahaha. Natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko.
Ayoko siyang agawin sa girlfriend niya. Gusto kong lumayo, pero hindi siya papayag. Ayoko rin namang mawala siya. Anon'g gagawin ko?...
Sana balang araw, masabi niya sa'kin na nabuhay siya sa mundo PARA sa akin... hindi lang DAHIL.
Ano ako, nanay niya?!
10.18.05 | "Stay" Over?
Yep. Anyway, let's start from the beginning of what really happened yesterday evening. I was, somehow, forced to go to the sembreak party because JRa eagerly wanted me to go. It was held in Metro Concert bar in West Avenue, Q.C.. Anyway, I said fine just because he was the one who bought the tickets.
Before we went there, we first meet in front of Eng'g building in our school. My mom and I had just bought a new skirt for me that day, so I was kinda late. But, my classmates said it's okay, since the one who will drive for us hasn't arrived yet. Anyway, I was in a oriental suit, and it's so kawaii! ^^ Too bad, I haven't got a camera to share it with you. :P
At first, my mood in going there is still as numb as ever. Uh... make that like a neuron in a partial refractory phase. :P I mean, I would only react if there is a strong stimulus that can make me, well, react. :P
Then, we became so hungry in waiting in front of the bar that JRa invited me to eat with Ron. Heheh, shy as usual, I tagged Kuya Fred along as well. :P Anyway, we just ate at 7-11. :P I ate spaghetti (with 3 meatballs! :P) and drank some Sprite. And I really did only eat because it was JRa's treat for me. Or, let's say he would never let me NOT EAT. :P
Hmmm... we went back and waited for a couple of minutes more until we can finally enter the stupid bar. While waiting for the program proper, I became more and more restless and wanted to watch Chun Hyang badly... I don't want to miss it!!! Sigh, well, what can I do? I don't want to commute alone (especially since I was only in heels and skirt), and that JRa... wouldn't let me. Alone. Oh, whatever. I guess I should try to enjoy myself while I was there.
Uhm, faintly, yes. It's because at the start, I haven't drunk anything yet, and I shunly don't want to drink another San Mig Light. The taste really sucks. So I just drank Iced Tea. But...
What else would you do inside a bar if you will not drink any liquor? So, I ordered Vodka, although, again(!) JRa wouldn't let me finish the whole bottle and shared the other half. Haayy, that was a bit... okay, it's not enough. But whatever, the effect would take me any time now.
Anyway, the music is great, the contestants are sportsmen, the comedians... well, they really are "themselves" last night. I mean, with the jokes and pranks on the people on stage. :P Thank God, I wasn't there on stage.
We had all decided to go home so late, and my mom had texted, "Sa su2nod di ka na pwede umatend ng party" (Next time, you may not go to a party anymore). I replied her back saying I was really sorry to her because it was already around 12:30am. I still sticked to the plan that I wouldn't go home without anybody with me around.
I've also said that Kuya Tiboy would just wait for me, and that she should go to sleep. Insisting, she replied, "Hindi ako makatulog hangga't wala ka. Antay na lang kita" (I can't sleep without you still not here. I'll just wait for you). At that reply, I was so moved by my mom's words. She really was very sweet and caring to me... she really loves me very much! ^^ Thank you, Father God!
Also, JRa, feeling guilty about what happened, said sorry a lot and was offering that he call my mom to apologize as well. I explained to him that it was not his fault, and that I wouldn't know what I would do at that time (maybe scared) when he was not there.
Scared of what? It's because since the car's too jam-packed, there was no room for me and JRa anymore. Nash would really offer to have their car be used, but he really couldn't let Poncee drive alone with our classmates tagged along. Besides, Poncee's too drunk, and that Nash would be the one to help him drive. I finally gave in to their decision since it would be really too dangerous to travel with a drunk driver. So, even if scared and hesitating, JRa and I commuted through taxi. Anyway, it's safer than to commute through jeepneys at that time. At first, I was trembling as to what would happen. But there is only thing that calmed me and let myself relax -- I prayed. ^^ I trusted myself fully to God, and He never did fail me. ^^ Also, JRa had promised that he would never let me into any harm, and that I should trust him. So, we rode and went off.
We had arrived in our house, and that JRa would soon leave if not for my mom who asked me where he lives. I said he lives in San Mateo, Rizal, and that it would take at around 2 hours before he can finally arrive. Mom abruptly and surprisingly asked him to just stay for the whole dawn before he goes home. Heheheh, surprised as well, he hesitatingly nodded. Hah! I was really surprised since it would be the first that one of my classmates would sleep over at our house -- and a guy yet! XP
And so, we prepared his clothes, pillows, etc. He would be only sleeping at our sofa since there's no extra bed for him. Anyway, when they've all gone upstairs to sleep, I asked JRa if he would be able to sleep. He said NO. Hahah, sabi na nga ba... So, I instead accompanied him the whole dawn until morning. Heheh, I was amused as well about what happened that I felt I couldn't miss this opportunity to NOT WATCH HIM. :P Heheh, he was flushing and all because of my mom's surprising kindness... ^^
Well, during the whole time, we were all whisphering, watching then turning off the TV, telling stories (with JRa scaring me most of the time), and well, snuggling with each other. Uhm, I'm not aggresive so it was always him who had embraced me while I just laid there in his arms. Mushy? Quite... :P Oh, okay, it was so mushy. But, since we're going to miss each other for this whole sembreak, we might as well enjoy the time while we're together. Heheheh...
He only waited for my mom to wake up before he would go home. He wanted to be polite as well as thankful for my mom's offering. ^^ Before he left, something happened that I didn't expect he would do. While no one's watching... he hugged me tightly, then kissed my cheeks... //////
Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! XD Ureshii... X)
10.02.05 | A Whole Lot of Work to Do
Haaayy... yeah. So far, I've already reported in Filipino and Psychology yesterday... and thank God that JRa was there to help me in explaining my own report! Waaa... I couldn't have done it better if not for his voluntary help. ^^
For now, I still have to finish a lot things like making a reaction paper on the book of Tuesdays With Morrie, and studying and preparing for the coming Finals week. :P I hope I could really pass all of my subjects!!! ^^ I know I can do it with the help of Father God. ^^
What else happened? Hmmm... oh yeah, I still don't know who gave the necklace to me (I am wearing it right now). But even so, whenever I'm wearing it, I'd always remember 'that' person who gave it to me, and I would feel loved. No more depressing times, thinking I'm worthless because there's always 'that' someone who cares for me. ^^
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