| These stories are about a narcoleptic memory-impaired pig detective in a completely different reality where pigs, dogs, and pickles rule. It is written from his point of view, as if writing in a journal. The first 14 were written on the dates mentioned (so I was a "kid" then). The stories are a varied lot, some very sketchy and others more "fleshed-out." Just read a few before judging;) All others after 14 have been written recently. Obviously, this is my creation and thus my copyright (PAB, 1981, 2000, etc.). Links to stories other than #1 are at the bottom of this page! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, or used for the express purposes of parody. Hope you enjoy! |
| ELMER PIG STORIES |
| The Pickle Conspiracy July 5, 1981 I was called in on an assignment to find Governor Pickle, Governess Pickle, and the President of the Pickled States. Well, it was going to be a tough case because the only clue was a pickle jar. July 6th, 1981 I found a second set of clues: a pig hair and a wolf hair at the scene of the crime. July 7, 1981 I found out that the Big Bad Wolf and the three little pigs were the Pickles' servants. I checked their files. The three little pigs had not done anything wrong and had no clues in their room. The Big Bad Wolf (BBW from now on) had done many things wrong, but there were no clues pointing to him in his room. A dead end. July 8, 1981 I found a ransom note which read "$10,000 for Governor Pickle, Governess Pickle, and the President of the Pickled States." Then, when I went to tell the three little pigs, I found a ransom note on their door: "$1,000 for the pigs." I thought maybe it was BBW, so I ran to his room. On his door was a note that read "$10,000 for the guy." Another dead end. July 12, 1981 I started investigating another case, "The Case of the Missing Silver Fork and Gold Spoon." Well, I was searching the house when I spun around in a revolving wall. I stepped out into a secret passageway. I found the Silver Fork and Gold Spoon, then followed a trail of pig and wolf hairs covered with pickle juice to a ham factory inside the house walls. There I saw BBW throw the pigs into the ham machine. I felt for my gun just to find that BBW had taken it. He tied me up and I tried my best to get free. Then he threw me into the ham machine. It broke down, to my intense relief, and I went to sleep. July 13, 1981 Well, BBW has taken us out of the ham machine and is now talking to someone. It's the Pickles! July 14, 1981 Today I found out where Little Bo Peep's sheep are. BBW has them and is about to have pork and lamb chops with pickles. He has put us pigs and lambs in a giant bed (I think it's a pot). What a sad day for us. BBW is talking to someone called "LPFB" on the phone. Wait. How can I write unless one of my hands is untied? Well, it looks like I can save everybody. LPFB and BBW are talking about a pig named David Boarner, another named Hark Hint, and yet another named Hash Snorton. LPFB also apparently have an Alligator and a Bat for extra help. July 15, 1981 Well, everyone is free and BBW is asleep, so here we go. Lion, Panther, Fox, Bear (LPFB), the Alligator, and the Bat are coming in the door. "Get ready for I fight," I say quietly. BBW gets up and marches over to help LPFB. "Listen goodies," the Lion started, "we'll let you have Hash, David, and Hark Hint." He lets them go and they run over to us. Hark Hint runs into BBW's room (what a coward!) and suddently Superpig runs out! BBW picks David up and throws him down some stairs. BBW runs down the stairs, picks David up, and throws him into the ham machine. He then picks me up and throws me into the ham machine, then turns it on. I look up and there sits the Pulk. He grabs me and tears through the ham machine. LPFB and friends run away as fast as they can (because of the giant green pig, but who would blame them?). At least I solved the case... |
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