| Elmer Pig Stories Story 17 (Written 7/12/01) |
| Finding Fraidys March 15, 1985 Today I was called to the Fraidy Bunch household by their maid, Malice Nelsow. She told me the whole story of how the man named Fraidy with 3 very lovely boys married a lovely lady with 3 very lovely girls. (That's how they became the Fraidy bunch.) I guess she could tell that the whole story kind-of bored me, so she finally got to the point. "Anyway," Malice started, "yesterday when I got back from the butcher's shop, they were gone. Then this morning--just before I called you--I got a phone call demanding $100,000 for their return. They further insisted that I not call the police, so I called you instead--I've heard that you're a great detective!" So that's the case: finding the Fraidys. March 16, 1985 After a great night of sleep, I returned to the Fraidys' to look for clues. I noticed immediately that Malice seemed a bit miffed with me, but ignored it to just focus on the case. As I searched for clues, I was struck by their complete absence. Finally I decided to ask Malice some more questions. "Do you have any idea how the kidnappers thought you could get the ransom money?" I asked, suddenly thinking it might be relevant. "Well, I'd been wondering about that. Then it struck me that you look a lot like Mr. Fraidy...except that he's a cat, but with a fake mustache and afro wig, I don't think anyone could tell the difference. You could go to the bank in that guise and withdraw the money. The Fraidys have that much in their bank account and the bank's a hick bank, so you shouldn't have any problem getting the loot." She answered. When I saw a picture of Mr. Fraidy, I realized that we do look a lot alike. That's when I agreed to doing it Malice's way. I went into the bank (with my afro wig and fake mustache) and easily got the money. Once I got the money, I went back to my place and went to sleep. March 17, 1985 Today Malice seemed really ticked off when I returned to the Fraidy house, snapping at me as soon as I walked in. "Where have you been? The kidnapper called yesterday and said to have the money at the Umpire Gate Building today...in about 30 minutes!" "OK, I'm going right now!" I snapped back at her as I left the house. Once at the Umpire Gate building, I immediately spotted the kidnapper: Butcher. He sneered at me, putting out his big hoof for the briefcase of money. "Not so quick, scumbag," I started, "where are the Fraidys?" "They'll be back in their house by the time you get there IF you're a smart little piggy and hand over the money. So give it to me ya stupid gumshoe before I knock ya over the head and eat the Fraidys!" Butcher snarled. Though I was still a bit suspicious, I gave the big brute the money and rushed back to the Fraidy house in hopes of finding them there. I was happily surprised to find them there and asked them what happened. They admitted that they weren't sure, then asked me to find out if I wanted to avoid being arrested for theft. Normally I would've bristled at the insinuation that I stole their 100 grand, but in this situation it made sense that they'd suspect me. Naturally I agreed to take the case, but also insisted on a $5000 fee should I discover the whole truth. They agreed... March 18, 1985 I started at the Fraidys' house, where I immediately became suspicious of Malice's absence. I asked the Fraidys if they had any idea where she might be and they said the only place she went a lot was the butcher shop. I decided to check it out tomorrow. March 19, 1985 I went to the corner butcher shop to check things out. As soon as I walked in, I was shocked to see Malice and Butcher kissing! I instantly blurted out, "what's going on?" "Oooh, it's the piggy detective! Why don't you tell this dolt what's going on, darling?" Butcher said. "OK you bumbling gumshoe," Malice started. "I got so sick of cooking and cleaning for those stinking cats. I especially hated cleaning all those darned litterboxes and hearing their unrealisticly sweet family banter. Then I met Butcher and we started dating. When I told him about the annoying Fraidys and their money, he told me about how much you favored Mr. Fraidy and we started making the kidnapping plan. Butcher opened this shop to make our meeting less suspicious, then I put knockout drops in the Fraidys' brownies. Once I had them unconscious, I tied them up and put them in the basement. The rest you know and there's nothing you can do about it...because we're outta here!" With that, the couple ran out of the back door to Butcher's waiting van and squealed off. I went back to the Fraidys and told them Malice's confession. They all seemed stunned by her betrayal, but still paid me the $5000 I was promised. |