| Elmer Pig Stories Story 18 |
| Looking for Mr. Stywalker April 2, 1985 This morning Puke Stywalker came to my office to ask for my help. He didn't have any money to pay for my help, but when he told me his poor farm-boy sob story, I agreed to take the case. He told me how he was left with his aunt and uncle as a child. Not long ago, Stormpoopers destroyed the farm and his guardians. Just after that, Puke's mentor, Omy Wand Penobe, was killed by Darth Boaring. Now Puke was interested in learning for certain what happened to his father since he'd only heard rumors from Omy Wand's ghost. Though I wondered about his state of mind (seeing ghosts) and the lack of monetary incentive, I decided to help him in hopes of again sharpening my detecting skills through monetary deprivation. (I also have a soft-spot for this case because I never knew my dad.) April 3, 1985 Well, I realized this case was going to be a hard one. Since Puke came from a galaxy far, far away, there was no way to check his birth records nor any other records about his father. I asked Puke if he could get Omy Wand's ghost to talk to me. I was shocked when Omy Wand's ghost came to my house...because I never believed in ghosts. I asked him if he knew what happened and he said, "Darth Boaring killed him," then vanished. April 4, 1985 I set out to find Darth Boaring. I first went to LPFB headquarters since Darth Boaring had often been seen with them. When I got there, I spotted a Stormpooper and followed him to Imphire HQ. I decided to stake out the HQ from the Fairy King (ice cream shop) across the street. Once inside, I found the B-Team in the shop formulating a plan to save a Princess that the Imphire apparently had captive. (You know the B-Team, the do-gooding fugitive military squad: John "Hambone" Jones, "Mace" Simpleton Pecker, "Completely Nuts" Hamhock, and B.A.--Boarish Attitude--Barbarosa.) I saw this as an opportunity to have some welcome help in my case since going into Imphire HQ by myself didn't sound like much fun! After a few hours of stakeout, we spotted Darth Boaring leaving Imphire HQ. The B-Team decided to head in during his absence, but I knew I had to follow Darth in order to get Puke his answers. I wished the B-Team luck and covertly followed Darth in hopes of questioning him. After what seemed like forever, I was shocked to follow him to my apartment building. Even more shocking, he went straight into my apartment. I pulled my gun out as I approached my apartment door, worried about what he might have planned for me. (After all, he had killed Puke's father and Omy Wand.) As soon as I walked in the door, Darth telekinetically yanked the gun from my hand. "Mr. Pig," he started, "there is no need for a gun. I just wanted to talk to you. Since I sensed your presence, I thought your place would make you feel more comfortable." Comfortable with what, I wondered. "OK," I mumbled anxiously. "Have a seat then," Darth said as he telekinetically pushed a chair into my legs from behind, making it impossible for me to resist his "request." "For years I learned many skills from Omy Wand, but then the Imp became my mentor. He brainwashed me with his lies and Impish skills until I finally became almost as evil as him. I did kill Omy Wand and Puke's father, even helping LPFB against you when ordered to do so. But I finally realized that the Imp was not for 'order' as he had claimed, but rather only out for himself. That's when I called the B-Team annonymously to have the Princess, my daughter, saved. I still have to overthrow the Imp to stop his evil, but I think I'll be able to do that with the help of my daughter...and my son--as well as their friends." As Darth finished, I got an inkling that I understood his disguised message: Puke and the Princess must be the kids and he "killed" his earlier personality--Puke's father. "Wow, Puke will be glad to know that you're his dad!" I blurted out with enthusiasm. "Are you nuts?" Darth started, "I did kill Puke's father. He was a wimpy little snot just like Puke, hardly worthy of my great power. You, Elmer Pig, are my son." Suddenly, everything went black. April 5, 1985 The next morning when I woke up, Darth was still there, making me some scrambled eggs. He brought them over to me and said, "here, son, this will give you the energy to face yesterday's revelation." "Whadaya mean you're my father?" I again blurted out. "Well, you and Princess Peia are my children. Princess Peia was hidden with a royal family, whose planet I later destroyed while under the Imp's evil influence. You, however, stayed with your mother, who came to this dinky little planet to hide from the Imp. It worked until she died. Then the Imp picked up your energy and has been looking for you ever since." "So what does all this mean?" I asked, still reeling from Darth being my father. "Go back to Puke and tell him that his father was a brave slug farmer who just got in the Imp's way. Tell him that I'm sorry for his losses and that his mother is living in Telluride under the alias Barfa Stewart--the famous and rich bitch of housewares. I gave her a few million dollars to start her business in regret for killing her husband. Anyway, go tell him that and that one day soon the Imp will be overthrown. I have to get back to Imphire HQ to avoid the Imp's suspicion, but I will be in touch so that soon the Imp will be overthrown. Then I'd love to be your detective agency's collection agent...I think I'd be good at that!" With that, Darth left, but added as he did, "Tell no one that you're my son until the Imp is overthrown. Otherwise you would be in great danger!" Though still in shock, I went and told Puke what Darth told me to--though nothing about Darth being my dad--and he seemed thrilled to know that Barfa was his mother. He immediately moved in with his mom and she sent me $50,000 for reuniting them. Later in the day, the B-Team called me to tell me that they had saved Princess Peia and had her hidden in a safe house. They also told me that she paid them a "retainer" to return with her to overthrow the Imp at "the right time." Though I would love to meet my sister, I didn't ask her whereabouts or mention her relation to me (as Darth asked). The end of a shocking and surprisingly rewarding (even monetarily) case. Now I just have to worry about someday soon helping to overthrow the Imp! |