ElmerPig13

Elmer Pig Stories

Story 13

The Case of the Gunshot

July 1, 1982
Today I got a new case. It seemed that Burp Pignolds, the famous actor, had been shot. I would get $10,000 if I could find out who injured the star. (He was in a coma, so he couldn't tell us.) I would also receive free tickets to all his movies and stage shows should he live. But I mainly took the case because Burp's my favorite actor and anyone who'd shoot him deserves severe punishment!

July 2, 1982
I brought my three helpers (the 3 little pigs) to the crime scene to look for evidence. After some time, we found fingerprints that matched some of the Godpigher's men. (If you've not been reading the news, the Godpigher is the head of the local pig mafia.) Once we found this evidence, I became convinced that the Godpigher was somehow involved. I also realized that Electro Pig had something to do with it because there were electrical burns all over the scene. I decided to call Spiderpig because whenever Electro Pig's involved, Spiderpig is close behind--seeing as how they're archenemies. Once I tracked down Spiderpig, he started looking for Electro Pig while I searched for the Godpigher. King Mutt, Zot, and Zot Jr. followed some other leads. I didn't go looking alone though, 9-K went with me. Soon after King Mutt and the Zots left, King Mutt called me on the walkie-talkie. "I think we have found the Godpigher's hideout. There are stormpoopers out in front...which probably means Darth Boaring isn't far behind. We'll wait for 9-K and you to get here before doing anything."
     9-K and I started running, but I realized we didn't even know where we were going. I stopped long enough to ask him (via the walkie talkie) where they were. King Mutt quickly answered, "the corner of Beast and Main." With that, 9-K and I resumed running to meet up with our colleagues. Once we got there, King Mutt told us what to do. "OK, Zot and I will sneak in the front while you (Elmer Pig), Zot Jr. and 9-K sneak in the back. That way we'll have both sides covered." King Mutt whispered his instructions and they sounded OK to me, so we set about following them. Zot Jr., 9-K, and I headed for the back of the building as we saw Zot quietly knock out the stormpoopers out front. Once inside, we saw quite a few villains: Darth Boaring, the Godpigher, Electro Pig, dozens of stormpoopers, Boarish Carlift, Swincent Rice, and Doctor Hoom. I also spotted Spiderpig, chained up nice and tight.
     "Go over and use your laser beams to cut the chains Spiderpig is held with," I whispered to Zot Jr. Zot Jr. quickly went over to do as I'd asked, easily freeing Spiderpig. Once he was freed, he came over and joined us. Then he climbed to the ceiling to get a "spider's eye" view. Once King Mutt and Zot rejoined us, we all ran straight for the villains, with Spiderpig dropping in from above. As the fight really got going, some other guys--both foe and friend showed up out of nowhere. The "foes" included: LPFB, BBW, Alan Alligator, Beaky Bat, Butcher, Flopsy, Chow Mein (Buck Boar's archenemy), Berry Turtle, Freaky Frog, Paris Parrot, Superrat, Batty Bulldog, Pinch Worm, and Ratty Rabbit. The "friends" included: Hash Snorton, Buck Boar, Superpig, Superpickle, Metric Pan, Mike, the three little pigs, the Golden Pigs, the Pulk, Terry Turtle, Fredrick Frog, Pares Parrot, Rodriguez Rabbit, and Superdog (the last few are the Berry Turtle gang's archenemies). Well, the odds were luckily a bit uneven for us good guys, so we really did tromp on the baddies. They finally just gave up and ran away. I would have to wait until at least tomorrow to try to arrest the Godpigher and Electro Pig, but now I had a charge that would definitely stick: resisting arrest!

July 3, 1982
Today I went to the last place I saw all the baddies. Spiderpig, King Mutt, Zot, Zot Jr., and I were the only ones still looking for the baddies to begin with. (9-K was in the repair shop after the fight.) We found their tracks and followed them to LPFB headquarters! Spiderpig decided to go in through a window, Zot and I went in the back, and Zot Jr. and King Mutt went in the front. Zot and I immediately stumbled upon some chained-up guys that we assumed were good guys. We asked their names and who they were. They answered Ham Polo, Puke Stywalker, and Pewbacca. They further admitted that they were Darth Boaring's enemies whom he captured the night before. Zot used his laser beams to cut them free, then asked if they knew of any other prisoners. Ham quickly answered, "yeah, someone who burps a lot." I asked him why he thought the prisoner burped a lot to which he answered, "because I keep hearing them say, 'shut up burp!'" King Mutt and Zot Jr. had caught up with us by this point and we all seemed to realize that Burp Pignolds had been kidnapped from the hospital. (They probably did it to keep Burp from talking when he came out of the coma.)
     "So where are they holding this 'burper'?" King Mutt asked. We all headed to the basement when Ham told us that's where he was. There Burp was, chained to the floor. I went over to him and asked if he was alright. He admitted that he was fine, but worried that the baddies would be back at any second. With that, Zot and Zot Jr. cut through his chains, freeing him. As we were leaving, I asked Burp if he knew who shot him. He claimed not to know, so I questioned him some more.
     "I think I have figured out that you borrowed money from the Godpigher to cover some gambling debts--as my detective work has shown--and didn't bother to pay him back. He then told Boarish Carlift to go after you to assure that there was no direct tie back to the Godpigher."
     "You're right," Burp admitted with chagrin. "Only it wasn't Boarish Carlift that shot me, it was a stormpooper."
     "Oh great," I sighed. "How the heck are we gonna figure out which stormpooper did it? There's gotta be thousands of them!"
     With that, Pewbacca let out a huge, long growl. Ham Polo smiled and told me that Pewbacca said, "stormpooper number 1226 is the only stormpooper under the Godpigher's direct command." I had solved another case and get to watch all Burp's wonderful work for free from now on! (Not to mention that now we're buds and I got the $10,000 fee!)