THE END TIMES

VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006

Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team

Academic Life Restructured for 2006

One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!

JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007

SAC Unleashes Diabolical Plan

Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced

JBU Targeted in U of A Conquest

Hidden Robots Protect Campus

Dear Phrank

To the Little Man

END TIMES HOME

JBU Targeted in U of A Conquest

Coming off the success of their recent �Campaign for the 21st Century�, the University of Arkansas has decided to take the words of Chancellor John A. White when he said �We need to soar to new heights. As we do, we will take the University with us and with the University, the entire state� to a tee. The taking of the entire state started with the hostile takeover of JBU campus starting with the J.Alvin and Mayfield dorms citing that it needs new housing for its growing fraternity/sorority population with the induction of Alpha Omicron Pi and possibly more greek life on the way. The takeover also included plans for building the new Chancellor�s residence in the middle of the quad.

In reponse to the UofA takeover several over zealous students decided to respond with a campus evangelism raid on the UofA campus berating UofA students for their lack of moral conviction by whatever means necessary. These evangelism terrorist attacks at the UofA caused quite an uproar in the greek life at the UofA. In response Delta Lota Kappa announced that it would be hosting the first ever JBU Oktoberfest to introduce JBU students to the great elixir called alcohol. In response CAUSE and SAC have decided to join together to do a little shock and awe �campus evangelism� to the UofA. �The whole point of VIBE and ELEVATE is to get people off campus and out of their comfort zone, what better way than to have weekly terrorist attacks on the UofA campus, students really get a feel as to what it means to live outside their comfort zone�, said junior Zach Bradshaw. Freshman Anne Winters agreed saying that, �before coming to JBU I was a shy person and uncomfortable with reaching outside of my comfort zone but now give me a shotgun and a Bible and I�m set.�

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