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THE END TIMES VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006 |
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Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team Academic Life Restructured for 2006 One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled! JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007 Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced |
One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!Some say it is a reliable legend; to others, it has become a mere fairy tale passed down through the generations. And due to less and less frequent reported sightings of the fabled material on the JBU campus, it is getting more and more difficult to believe that quality, two-ply toilet paper ever roamed the latrine-side dispensers that most of us use every day. Instead, students must rely upon the thin, chaffing, and ultimately unreliable industrial-grade paper that now comes standard-issue in each and every stall on campus. This will most likely prove distressing during the first basketball game of the year (the acclaimed �Toilet Paper Game�) when dozens of spectators will be concussed by rolls of toilet paper a foot in diameter. According to one sixth-year senior, soft, user-friendly (�quilted�) paper used to be the norm, but no more. Until late last semester, there were still occasional reports from the socalled �frontier� areas of campus that the quilted paper had been spotted in such obscure spaces as the third floor Cathedral restrooms and the secret water closets behind the Cafeteria, but these became increasingly rare as pilgrims made their way to uncover these riches. Experts have cited several reasons as chief cause of this, the most convincing being that of the depletion of soft-wooded trees in the South American rain forests. Another hypothesis is the industrial/mass production cycle, where the consumer needs higher quantity for less capital, and consequently the manufacturer must reduce costs and quality in order to keep business. Due to record-high enrollment this year, this, too, is a reasonable guess. However, the most widely accepted view on campus, despite repeated denials from the Administration, is the rumor that, upon returning from spring break, janitors found that a frustrated Biology major had hung herself in the Bell Science Hall�s lobby using a roll of precious quilted toilet paper. It was never established if the motive for cutting back on the two-ply was because of the hanging itself, or if the event showed the Administration how much toilet paper was actually being wasted on unnecessary activities. In any case, despite some negative association and painful uses, the Administration seems to be staying on course with its decision. It appears that the one-ply is here to stay. |
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