THE END TIMES
VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006
Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team
Academic Life Restructured for 2006
One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!
JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007
Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced
JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007
This year John Brown University was overwhelmed with an enormous freshman class and not enough places to put them. To prevent this in the future, the Building Planning Committee has unveiled a new scheme to create more space for students. Due to coding laws the only suitable structure available was the Walton Health Complex. Committee member Charles Greastusk had this to offer: �There is plenty of space behind some of the stairwells in the back halls and we feel the sacrifice of one racquetball court is worth the gain of new housing.� Ok seriously guys, as if �Suites 9 and 10� weren�t lame enough, you expect people to live under the stairs? We at the End Times feel that enough is enough! It is time to rise up against this injustice! We propose a better plan: put the 20 extra freshmen on opposing tennis courts and divide them by tribe. Then make up some absurd elimination games for them to play whittling them down to a remaining winner. The winner will get a duplex all of their own and a lifetime California Caf� card. Losers will get the consolation prize of a tent to pitch in the woods along the edge of campus and forced to consume each and every one of the 21 meals on their plan. While �consolation prize� is clearly a misnomer, we feel that the �reality TV� feel is better than getting packed in the J-Alvin TV lounge.
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