THE END TIMES

VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006

Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team

Academic Life Restructured for 2006

One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!

JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007

SAC Unleashes Diabolical Plan

Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced

JBU Targeted in U of A Conquest

Hidden Robots Protect Campus

Dear Phrank

To the Little Man

END TIMES HOME

Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced

A recent decision issued by the President�s Cabinet has granted the JBU Grounds Crew to replace the recently-added speed bumps on Valley Road.

�We just didn�t feel good about what we were doing to students,� writes one cabinet member. �We consulted the forums; we interviewed staff, faculty, and students alike. In the end, we felt that the speed bumps were too negative; we really wanted something that would help with morale and self esteem. So we opted to replace them.�

According to the Cabinet, the speed bumps are to be replaced with foamy �Nerf Bumps.� �We feel that students can be trusted to obey speed laws at all times; the Nerf Bumps are being added as a reminder that we recommend [students] slow down rather than forcing them to.�

�I�m totally for the idea,� says one North Hall resident. �The Nerf Bumps will allow me to pass over the Valley Road with ease and comfort. If it puts a few joggers in harms way, so what? Statistically speaking, they have a better chance of living longer and surviving more than I do�because they exercise�so I�d say they�re still pretty safe, no matter what the traffic conditions may be. It sure beats having to slow down.�

�I see speed bumps as a violation of my God-given right to do whatever I want,� says another J. Alvin resident. �Paul said, �I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.� Christ has blessed me with the strength and ability to drive a car; I feel JBU is inhibiting that right every time I roll over a speed bump.�

JBU is expected to install the Nerf bumps sometime later this fall.

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