THE END TIMES

VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006

Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team

Academic Life Restructured for 2006

One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!

JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007

SAC Unleashes Diabolical Plan

Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced

JBU Targeted in U of A Conquest

Hidden Robots Protect Campus

Dear Phrank

To the Little Man

END TIMES HOME

SAC Unleashes Diabolical Plan

BLUE. Vibe. Elevate. It�s easy to understand what it means to �Bring Live, Uncut Entertainment,� to the campus. But what about �Vibe�? What about �Elevate�? What do these organizations have in common? Answer: they are part of the JBU Student Activities Committee�s three-prong assault for taking over John Brown University.

At first these titles seem pretty mundane�nothing more than trendy acronyms or catchy words. But combine them in the right sequence, and you have a coded-revelation worthy of James Bond and some Bible-commentators. What are we talking about here? We�re talking about �Elevating a blue vibe� around campus.

That�s right. Through music, games, food, and other activities, our friends at SAC are secretly plotting to conquer the wills of JBU, her students, her faculty, and her alumni. By spreading a blue (or �depressed�) vibe around campus, SAC will be able to exercise greater influence over students as their wills are eroded by sadness. Hey, it�s just weird and sinister enough to work.

But thankfully, there is hope. Rumor has it that Residence Life is talking about reviving �Emovember,� the month-long study on emotional awareness conducted last year. Also, KLRC has teamed up to counter SAC�s ominous plan by offering �Emo Hour,� a regularly scheduled program designed to help students get in touch with their �inner-emo.� It is efforts like these that will prevent us from succumbing to the evil Blue Vibe. And remember: you heard it here first, The End Times.

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