THE END TIMES

VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006

Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team

Academic Life Restructured for 2006

One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!

JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007

SAC Unleashes Diabolical Plan

Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced

JBU Targeted in U of A Conquest

Hidden Robots Protect Campus

Dear Phrank

To the Little Man

END TIMES HOME

Academic Life Restructured for 2006

Culinary Consumption. Health and Wellness Procrastination. Cult Theology. These three items may have nothing in common, save for being three majors that are now offered by JBU. You may wonder how this came to be, and the answer is simple; Division Reorganization.

Once every five or ten years, the faculty reorganize the departments and majors on campus in an attempt to maximize the Academic Structure on campus. The downside is that the process takes 5 to 10 years to complete.

Not anymore. Experts in the Registrar�s Office and Student Development have perfected a way to restructure the departments and majors with a common household appliance: a blender. �Say goodbye to years of planning!� disclosed the Registrar�s Office to this End Times reporter. �All we have to do now is dump useless surveys, faculty data, and student interests into the blender and turn it on!�

While majors such as International Business, Graphic Design, and Biochemistry escaped the blender unscathed, others were not so fortunate. Majors such as Exercise Studies, Worship Ministries, Intercultural Studies and others were ripped to shreds and reassembled to those listed at the beginning of this report.

Even the famous Deconstruction Management major has been reduced to Disorganizational Studies. Says one Philip McDozer, a sophomore and D.S. major, �I�m outraged with my new major! Not only are we further banned from bulldozing, our classes are held in the Walton Health Complex. This has got to stop.�

Despite student protests, Student Development will not be deterred. �Our new blender is perfect, especially since we know exactly what the student body wants to learn. We can only say that five years from now, the next reorganizing will guarantee the future of liberal arts.�

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