THE END TIMES
VOLUME IV || ISSUE 1 || OCTOBER 25, 2006
Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team
Academic Life Restructured for 2006
One-Ply Toliet Paper Myth Unrolled!
JBU's Emergency Campus Housing Plan for 2007
Valley Road Speedbumps to be Replaced
Smoothie Steroid Scandal Drowns Swim Team
A key member of the JBU Women�s Swim Team was ejected from the team�s most recent meet after she tested positive for steroids. She adamantly denied these claims, and upon further investigation it was revealed that she was telling the truth: The drugs were in fact muscle and adrenaline enhancers infused in the California Caf�s new smoothies, unbeknownst to the students. Though consumed involuntarily, the judges ruled that she must nonetheless withdraw from the meet.
This latest and most shocking scandal to rock JBU in the past months is all the more devastating because, as another Swim Team member put it, �It�s not like we have swimmers to spare.� The team has been on a decline numerically ever since the Athletics department cut their funding in order to make a new lighted Frisbee Golf course around the campus� perimeter.
The new smoothies contain special protein and nutritional supplements that make them �Tastier, Healthier, and Expensiver� (ad campaign in the California Caf�). FDA officials were not available for comment on the smoothie company, the only email received in response to queries was from an undersecretary who said that she hoped �that everything would work out alright.�
Each flavorful drink is made with real fruit randomly selected by the customer from a bewildering array of menu options, giving him the reassuring knowledge that a surprise smoothie is on its way. Certain experts in marketing psychology have seen this as an excellent way to get people to �bond� while in line together, lending an interactive experience to the trying ordeal, and it seems that the California has embraced this philosophy wholeheartedly.
What will the repercussions of such a shocking event be? Already, varsity athletes are being warned to stay away from the California Caf� at all costs. This could be dangerous, since many of them depend on the Caf�s flexible schedules to provide them with meals at times when they are not at practice. The grim irony of the situation was not lost on the athletes themselves; a sophomore member of the soccer team was quoted as saying, �We work hard so that we won�t need steroids, but things get complicated if we can�t eat.� The team coaches were still contemplating the issue at press time.
Representatives of the smoothie company, which is spelled with an umlaut over one of the �e�s, were not answering their phones at the time of this investigation. This secrecy, as well as the German language reference, originally drew speculation of a connection with the Nazis, but it is more likely that the cross-cultural emblem is merely to enhance the �exotic appeal� of the company. There have been unconfirmed rumors of lawsuits from other universities having similar difficulties, and the problem has become so widespread that there has been talk of canceling national Varsity athletics altogether.
In the mean time, however, the ladies of the Swim Team refuse to be discouraged, and are trying to find a bright side of things. It is their hope that the age-old adage �there�s no such thing as bad publicity� will ring true: Maybe having a martyr make the front page will raise awareness of the single home swim meet this fall and bring some much-needed team spirit to the bleachers around the pool.
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