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THE END TIMES VOLUME III || ISSUE 5 || APRIL 26, 2006 |
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JBU to Build Security Wall Around Campus! Bono Not the Second Coming of Christ?!?!? More Masonic Connections Found at JBU! The Unabridged Historically Correct Story of Gary the Unicorn |
ObituariesIt is a sad day when one of our own staff passes on. Even more sad when three pass on the same day, doing mindless activities. And not sad �boo-hoo�, mind you. More sad �what-were-they-thinking- they-should-never-reproduce-I-am-not-very-hopeful-about-the-future-of-humanity�. Chris Leroux, Greg Talkington, and Matt Watkins�all seniors, all End Times staff members, all dead. Chris was researching facts on the �Gary the Unicorn� story and got too close to Gary who, having very poor eyesight and mistaking Chris for Gargamethenol, Lord of the Nine Rivers and Also Lake Eucaruh, and charged Chris. Chris was gored in the process. The commotion caused a nearby herd of horses to stampede. The horses ran, coincidently, towards Matt, who happened to be nearby investigating another story. Matt has had a chronic phobia of unicorns and, mistaking the horses for a herd of unicorns bent on his demise, he ran. As he ran, he spotted a bridge that would lead him to safety. But as he ran over it, the bridge collapsed, ending his career with the End Times as well as that of Greg, who was playing hopscotch underneath. They will be sorely missed. |
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