THE END TIMES
VOLUME III || ISSUE 5 || APRIL 26, 2006
JBU to Build Security Wall Around Campus!
Bono Not the Second Coming of Christ?!?!?
More Masonic Connections Found at JBU!
The Unabridged Historically Correct Story of Gary the Unicorn
JBU to Build Security Wall Around Campus!
In a controversial move last week, JBU administration approved funding for the building of a wall to surround the university�s boundaries. This came in response to the growing number of cats sneaking onto campus in search of a better life. The 6-foot wall would be an attempt to stem this flow of four-legged illegals. A growing outcry has arisen amongst certain individuals in the university. According to these people, undocumented cats living within JBU�s boundaries have been taking food that should rightfully go to students and faculty who have entered the university through legal channels. But after the wall is completed, there still remains the issue of those cats still living on campus illegally. In an interview with the End Times, feline immigration specialist Don Knotsworth gave his opinion on the subject.
�The vast population of illegal cats living within JBU�s borders need to be addressed immediately. The administration needs to send a message that they don�t tolerate people who don�t come in through legal channels.� JBU to Build Security Wall Around the Campus! Opposing this standpoint, Advocate for Four-Legged Illegal Aliens (AFLIA) spokesman John Cherald pointed out the invaluable contribution that these animals make to campus society.
One example of this is the rodent control that they give, thereby freeing up university time and money that would have been devoted to pest extermination. This issue has sparked heated debate. Cats and friends of cats have been taking to the streets in protest. On the subject, Dr. Jim Blankenship said, �I had a cat once. Its name was Socks. It gave me an allergic reaction. I went to the hospital.� A possible compromise to the issue at hand is the creation of a temporary Feline Worker Visa. This at least would allow the university to document how many cats are on campus at any given time. The issue of taxing the worker felines is another problem that must be dealt with. As one AFLIA representative pointed out, �It�s hard to withhold a percentage of a dead rat.�
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