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THE END TIMES VOLUME III || ISSUE 5 || APRIL 26, 2006 |
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JBU to Build Security Wall Around Campus! Bono Not the Second Coming of Christ?!?!? More Masonic Connections Found at JBU! The Unabridged Historically Correct Story of Gary the Unicorn |
JBU Offers MRS DegreeIn a surprise twist, the Admissions Office at John Brown University has successfully lobbied to add a new major to the 2006-2007 lineup. Incoming students may now apply for their �MRS Degree� from JBU. In a press release, the Admissions Office stated, �Admission has been brainstorming for the last six weeks: how can we get more students to attend John Brown University next year? In the end, offering a new major seemed like a true, bona fide winner.� Reactions at JBU have been mixed. �I think it�s a great idea,� says one J. Alvin RA. �In fact, I think I�m going to change my major. Digital Media is cool and all, but who needs that when you can be engaged by next April?� The Center for Relationship Enrichment, however, worries that offering such a major at JBU may lead to insincere, shallow relationships between students. �I just feel like it�s opening the door to a whole lot of trouble,� one CRE spokesperson said. �If we do not watch it closely, this program could lead to a lot of relationship disenrichment, which certainly would not be a good thing.� JBU Admissions Counselors, on the other hand, are more than optimistic. �We�ve already put in requests for six new building permits. We don�t have enough dorm and classroom space. That�s how strong the response has been from prospective students! In the next five years, you can expect to see schools like Wheaton and Bob Jones close down; all their students will be transferring here to work on their MRS Degrees.� It is important to note that JBU is not the first college to employ an MRS program; students attending schools in Salt Lake City, Utah have been pursuing PhDs in MRS for years. These programs have been successful, but are not considered very �mainstream.� �I feel a whole lot better about sending my daughter to JBU,� says the father of one incoming freshman. �Knowing that she can find the security of marriage before she graduates really puts me at ease.� But no matter their opinion on the issue, most people agree that JBU is only formalizing a longstanding, unofficial tradition. �Let�s face it,� says one Mayfield resident, �a lot of guys come here looking for wives; a lot of girls come here looking for husbands. The MRS Program just makes that search easier, and provides a way for the university to regulate and monitor romantic interactions.� In the meantime, look forward to more excitement and strained pocketbooks as JBU students�present and future�benefit from the university�s new program. �From now on,� says President Pollard, �JBU is going to be �Ring by Spring, or Your Money Back!�� |
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