Kc approach: "delta 105, your traffic Malibu, eleven o'clock and three That traffic?" Thick southern Down there. can't Unknown aircraft: "i said i was f...ing F...ing stupid!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tower: "eastern 702, cleared for Departure on 124.7." Switching to Lifted off, we saw End of the Tower: "continental 635, cleared for Departure on 124.7; did you copy the Eastern?" Cleared for takeoff And we've already ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heavy, your Miles, eastbound." Wanted to say ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Airport are a Expect one to know To get there It was with some Listened to the Ground control "speedbird 206") Speedbird 206: "top of the morning Speedbird 206 clear of the active Ground: "guten morgen! you vill taxi The big british airways 747 pulled onto Taxiway and slowed to a stop. Vare you are Speedbird 206: "stand by a moment Up our gate location now." Impatience): "speedbird Before?!?" 1944. in ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Waiting for start Listening to the Member. this was the Recall call signs Lufthansa: (in german) "ground, what Clearance time?" Answer you must Luft: (in english) "i am a german, flying Airplane, in germany. why must i Beautiful english accent: (before "because you lost the bloody war!" Subject: actual bumper stickers Actual bumper stickers found on ? horn broken. watch for finger. But youre still an idiot. ? cover me. i�m changing lanes. ? learn from your parents mistakes - ? i�m not as think as you drunk i am. Peace...visualize using your turn ? we have enough youth, how about ? he who laughs last thinks slowest. Bad at math. Are out to get you. Taking the dog. dorothy. Vending machine. Happening at once. Chicken. Minutes. With the simpsons. ? the more people i meet, the more i ? laugh alone and the world thinks ? rehab is for quitters. My luck. Times i let him sleep. Their king. Physician. How to fish. Sane! The food chain to be a vegetarian. Men lack ambition. And make some. Receipt in case heaven is like the irs.. Species. ? reality is a crutch for people who ? real women dont have hot flashes, ? i took an iq test and the results ? where theres a will, i want to be in ? ok, who stopped payment on my ? few women admit their age; fewer ? i dont suffer from insanity, i enjoy ? hard work has a future payoff. ? tell me to stuff it - i�m a taxidermist. What you�ve got. Unfortunately it kills all its students. Better. Problem doesn�t exist. It is illegal to kill. What others have. With a limited inventory. Delivery guy comes from? Away? Closer than they appear. Something else. Hungry. then things get worse. Will make a better idiot. Just like everyone else. Help you move bodies. Down my clothes. Someone, somewhere may be ? consciousness: that annoying time ? i souport publik edekashun. Your nursing home. Holder... Who can count & those who can�t. Word? Start again? ? caution: i drive like you do. Actual caddy quotes? I think i'm going to go drown Caddy: "i doubt you could keep your Golfer: "i'd move heaven and earth Course." Moved most of the earth." This badly before! Played before, sir." Game is improving?" Ball much closer than you used to." Watch all the time, caddy. it's Caddy: "this isn't a watch, sir, its a Golfer: "caddy, do you think it is a sin Caddy: "the way you play, sir, it's a Golfer: "this golf is a funny game." Golfer: "that can't be my ball, caddy. Caddy: "it's a long time since we Golfer: "do you think i can get there Caddy: "eventually." The worst caddy in the world!" Much of a coincidence!" Service bloopers: Heard get high�. Church help. Are sick of our church * for those of you who have children Have a nursery downstairs. At the first Large double door at the * jean will be leading a weight- Nights. she�s used the program Growing like crazy! Morning is to announce the Rev. and mrs. * this afternoon there will be a North ends of the church. children Both ends. An ice cream social. Early. Ask mrs. lewis to come * the service will close with little The ladies will start quietly and the Congregation will join in. Be taken to defray Wishing to do Come forward and do so. Off clothing of every Basement saturday. Prayer and medication to * eight new choir robes are currently Addition of several new members Of some older ones. Member of the congregation * at the evening service tonight, the �what is hell?� come early and listen Practice. We enjoyed the rare When a. b. doe * the rev. adams spoke briefly, much Audience. Today as our guest Has mrs. green with That all remain in the Greens. Presenting shakespeare�s Friday at 7 p.m. the Tragedy. Be hell may 10 and * pastor is on vacation. massages Secretary. Support for amy and alan in Child. Bottles and other items To cripple Subject: actual epitaphs from >actual epitaphs from gravestones >harry edsel smith of albany, new > >looked up the elevator shaft to see >car was on the way down. >it was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >in a thurmont, maryland, > >all dressed up > ** >in a georgia cemetery: >"i told you i was sick!" >**************************** > > >here lies ezekial aikle, age 102. > ** >in a london, england cemetery: >here lies ann mann, >but died an old mann. > ** >in a ribbesford, england, cemetery: >anna wallace: Bread, >old clerk wallace wanted a wife, >**************************** > New mexico, cemetery: >here lies johnny yeast. >for not rising. ** >memory of an accident in a >pennsylvania, cemetery: >here lies the body of jonathan >stepped on the gas > ** >in a silver city, nevada, cemetery: >here lays butch. >he was quick on the trigger > ** >a lawyer's epitaph in england: >sir john strange. >and that is strange. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >someone determined to be > >who, is no business > ** >lester moore was a wells, fargo co. The Buried in the boot hill >cemetery in tombstone, arizona: >here lies lester moore. >no les; no more. >**************************** > Wimborne, england, cemetery: >reader, if cash thou art >dig 4 feet deep; > ** >on margaret daniel's grave at Virginia: >she always said her feet were > ** >in a cemetery in hartscombe, > >jonathan fiddle > ** >anna hopewell's grave in enosburg > >done to death by a banana. >but the skin of the thing that made >**************************** > England: >gone away >than he could pay. >**************************** > Nantucket, massachusetts: >under the sod and under the trees, >he is not here, there's only the >pease shelled out and went to god. ** >the grave of ellen shannon in > 1870, by the explosion of a lamp >with Burning fluid" >**************************** > > >as you are now, so once was i. >remember this and follow me. >to which someone replied by > >until i know which way you went. * School (supposedly) from *my son is under a doctor�s care Today. please execute him. She was sick and i had her *dear school: please ekscuse john Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Today. she is administrating. A few days. Misplaced his hip. Had two teeth taken out of his *carlos was absent yesterday Playing football. he was hurt in the *megan could not come to school Has been botheres by very close *chris will not be in school because *please excuse ray friday from *please excuse pedro from being He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the *please excuse tommy for being He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Because he missed his bust. His father�s fault. To go christmas shopping Wear. School yesterday. we forgot to And when we found it monday, *sally won�t be in school a week from Funeral. Because she was tired. Marines. Absent yesterday. *gloria was absent yesterday as she *please excuse brenda, she has *maryann was absent december 11- Throat, Sister was also sick, fever and Her brother had a low grade fever Best, either, Something going around, Subject: actual mcdonald's Actual mcdonald�s fast food job This is an actual job application Fast-food establishment........and Name: greg bulmash But seriously, whatever�s If i was in a position to be picky, i First place. Stock options and a michael ovitz Not possible, make an offer and we Haggle. Last position held: target for middle Salary: less than i�m worth. Incredible collection of stolen pens Post-it notes. Hours available to work: any. Monday, tuesday, and thursday. But they�re better suited to a May we contact your current Here? That would prohibit you from Do you have a car?: i think the more �do you have a car that runs?� Awards or recognition?: i may Be a winner of the publishers Do you smoke?: only when set on What would you like to be doing in Living in the bahamas with a Thinks Bread. actually, i�d like to be doing Do you certify that the above is true Knowledge?: no, but i dare you to Sign here: scorpio with libra rising. Doctors: But her husband states 2. patient has chest pain if she lies Over a year. Better, and on the third day 4. the patient is tearful and crying Appears to be depressed. Since she began seeing me in 6. discharge status: alive but 7. healthy appearing decrepit 69 But forgetful. 9. the patient has no previous 10. patient has left white blood cells 11. patient's medical history has Insignificant with only a Three days. And anorexia for lunch. 14. while in er, she was examined, 15. the skin was moist and dry. Headaches. Unresponsive. Normal size thyroid. Constipated for most of her 20. i saw your patient today, who is Physical therapy. Reactive to light and 22. examination of genitalia reveals 23. the lab test indicated abnormal 24. the patient was to have a bowel Took a job as a stock broker instead. Present. On the floor. By dr. blank, who felt we Agree. The hall. Children, but no other Subject: actual ntc teacher Don't fall off the chair laughing with Comments made by nyc Part of their Teachers were reprimanded, but 1. since my last report, your child Bottom and has started to dig. Breed. Adequacy. Somewhere of an 5. your son sets low personal Consistently fails to achieve them. But lacks the 7. this child has been working with 8. when your daughter's iq reaches Sell. Flashing, but 10. if this student were any more To be watered twice a week. Sperm that Others. Hamster is dead. Subject: actual phone answering Actual phone answering machine My wife and i can�t come to the Your name and number, we�ll get Finished. We can�t pick up the phone right We really enjoy. sonya likes It left to right... real slowly. so leave Brushing our teeth we�ll get back �a� is for academics, �b� is for beer. Not here. so leave a message. Company, i already sent the money. Money. if you are my financial Enough money. if you are my Are a female, don�t worry, i have Money. Reading a magazine. suddenly the Explodes into a veritable maelstrom Toilet paper, with dale in the middle Incredible speeds! will he make it in Vain. Leave a message. You have the right to remain silent. And will be used by us. Avoiding someone i don�t like. leave Back, it�s you. Will be assimilated. but we�re not At the tone, Hi! john�s answering machine is Please speak very slowly, and i�ll One of Hello, this is ron�s toaster. ron�s new Repairs, so please leave your (cachunk! ) You want to leave a message, Want to leave your name and Please press pound, press 3, then Your number. if you want to leave Press star, press 6, ask for Name and message. if you want to Called, Circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and This is the literacy self test hotline. Number, and recite a sentence using Today�s word is �supercilious.� Sixth sense detective agency. we Want, so at the sound of the tone, I can�t come to the phone now Stupid talking to people i don�t Could help Telling me something about myself. Thank you for calling the csu Prepare for Ear or right ear? ... beep Bewildered, trapped in a world With color and shadows explode. you Ordinary telephone answering Twilight phone�. Metropolitan church of the holy Number 6, thou shalt not... er... Er...shalt not witness thy... uh... Shalt not commit a bear... darn... Well, actually, i can come to the Phone now, recording this While you�re listening to it later, When you�re listening to it... i Confusing. Number you have reached, 226- Number is 226-0477. please make a You have reached the cpx-2000 Patterns are now being digitally Once this is done, our computers will Voice for literally thousands of illegal Is no charge for this initial Professional extortionists will contact Explain the Arrange for your schedule of At the sound of the tone. thank (klingon voice:) answering machine. You have reached the number you After the beep. Message at the beep. if i die before Tape. One hand and a smith & wesson .38 Puppy gets it. Actual resume typos May 1984. Customers' conflicts that arouse. Operating expense fudget. Instrumental in ruining entire Operation. An applicant was asked if he was "four." Machines?" Cigarette." Prospective employees during an "once a week, i usually feel hot all "people are always watching me." "i think i'm going to throw up." "sometimes i feel like smashing "i get excited very easily." Do something harmful or shocking." Steven thode During court cases Defendant: uh, yes. Know you? You? Obstructing justice not to tell me. From a defendant representing Defendant: did you get a good look Victim: yes, i saw you clearly. you Defendant: i should have shot you Judge: the charge here is theft of Defendant? Stole the chickens. Defense attorneys? Drowned at birth. Biased for the prosecution. Prosecutors should be drowned at Lawyer questioning his client on the What doctor treated you for Work? Plaintiff�s lawyer: and what kind of Not sure, but i remember Plaintiff�s doctor. Not serve as a juror in this case? My job that long. Work? Know it. Witness: i didn�t see no fight. See. Turner house, and as the men swung Would slap each other, and one Hit harder than the other one liked, Somebody pulled a knife and And another guy Hidden under a bed, and the air was Yelling and smoke and bullets. Fracas? Between the fracas and the navel. Appoint me another lawyer. Defendant: because the public Judge (to public defender): Defendant�s motion? Honor. i wasn�t listening. The record. Jackson. For? �honorable� in front of your name. Judge: you are charged with habitual Say in your defense? Defendant (after being sentenced to Court?� Defendant: if i called you a son of a Judge: i�d hold you in contempt and Defendant: what if i thought you Judge: i can�t do anything about Defendant: in that case, i think Subject: adam and eve - which came "lord, i have a problem!" "lord, i know you created me and Of these wonderful animals and that Not happy." From above. Death of apples." Solution. i shall create a man for "what's a man, lord?" With many bad traits. he'll lie, cheat, Give you a hard time. but he'll be And kill things. he will look silly when Complaining, i'll create him in such a Needs. he will be witless and will And kicking a ball about. he won't be Advice to think properly." Ironically raised eyebrow. "what's "well ... you can have him on one "what's that, lord?" And self-admiring... so you'll have to Just remember, it's our little secret... Steven thode A deal) Garden of eden feeling very lonely, With you?� Talk to. Companion and it would be a woman. And wash your clothes, she You make. she will bear you In the middle of the night to take And will always be the first to admit Disagreement. she will never Give you love and compassion Adam asked, �what would a woman God said, �an arm and a leg.� Said, �what can i get for a just a The rest is history. To: 'alert newland'; 'bill raley'; Family'; 'dave crim (radix)'; 'gregory 'jeff & rachel gerstl'; 'kevin gabbert'; 'priscilla d isenberg'; 'russ decrease'; Mcewen'; 'lopez' Adam was walking around the So With you?� Talk to. Companion and it would be a For you and wash your clothes, Decision you make. she will bear Get up in the middle of the night Nag you, and will always be the You�ve had a disagreement. she Freely give you love and Adam asked, �what would a woman God said, �an arm and a leg.� Said, �what can i get for a just a The rest is history. Subject: adam On some news. �i�ve got some good Adam looked at god and said, �well, Smiling, god explained, �i�ve got two Brain. it will allow you to be very Have intelligent conversations with The other organ i have for you is Reproduce your now intelligent life Will be Organ to give her children.� �these are great gifts you have Bad news after such great tidings?� Great sorrow, �the bad news is that i Operate one of these organs at a Steven thode This is for my god fearing, dog and Addition to bible Edition of the book of genesis was And adam said, �lord, when i was in Everyday. now i do not see you Is difficult for me to remember how And god said, �i will create a You forever and who will be a You will Cannot see me. regardless of how You may be, this new companion will You as i do, in spite of yourself.� A companion for adam. and it was a And the new animal was pleased to And adam said, �but lord, i have The kingdom and all the good names Name for this new animal.� Created this new animal to be a Name will be a reflection of my own And you will call him dog.� Companion to him and loved him. Was pleased. and dog was After a while, it came to pass that Lord and said, �lord, adam has And Believes he is worthy of adoration. Loved, but no one has taught him And the lord said, �i will create for Forever and who will see him as he Him of his limitations, so he will know And god created cat to be a Not obey adam. Eyes, he was reminded that he was Learned humility. Was greatly improved. Other. Beer and alcohol Warnings on beer and alcohol 13. warning: consumption of alcohol Whispering when you are not. Is a major factor in dancing like a 11. warning: consumption of alcohol Boring story over and over again, Your head in. May cause you to shay shings like 9. warning: consumption of alcohol Lovers are really dying for you to 8. warning: consumption of alcohol Happened to your pants. May cause you to roll over in the Scary(whose species and or name 6. warning: consumption of alcohol Rug burns on the forehead. May create the illusion that you are Than some really, really big guy 4.warning: consumption of alcohol Invisible. May lead you to think people are 2. warning: consumption of alcohol Space continuum, whereby small(and May seem to literally disappear. 1. warning: consumption of alcohol Subject: adds in paper for sewing The following are ads that appeared Days - the last three hopelessly Mistake. Sewing machine for sale. phone Mrs. kelly who lives with him cheap. Erred in r.d. jones' ad yesterday. it Machine for sale cheap. phone 555- And ask for mrs. kelly, who lives with Wednesday notice: r.d. jones has Several annoying telephone calls Classified ad yesterday. Sale -- r.d. jones has Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and Him." Sewing machine for sale. i Have had the phone disconnected. Kelly. until yesterday she was my Subject: administrative vocabulary Administrative vocabulary definitons Tape that the situation is almost We will look into it - by the time the That you will have forgotten A program - any assignment that can't Expedite - to confound confusion with Channels - the trail left by inter-office Co-ordinator - the guy who has a desk Consultant (or expert) - any ordinary Miles from home. Add more names to the memo. People and expand the office. It. Looking in the files for it. Masterminds. Conversation is substituted for the and the loneliness of thought. Minds without knocking together of Reorientation - getting used to working Reliable source - the guy you just met. The guy you just met. Started the rumor originally. Background with so many details that goes underground. More time to think of an answer. Responsibility for this. Assuming you're as confused as i am. To my office, i'm lonesome. Thinking - we'll listen to what you have as long as it doesn't interfere with We will advise you in due course - if To give someone the picture - a long To a newcomer. Hold the bag for a while.subject: ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- Owned by bachelor who seldom ---------------------------------------- Only used on snowy days. Free puppies...part german shepherd - ---------------------------------------- 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15 Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent ---------------------------------------- Also 1 gay bull for sale. 83 toyota hunchback -- $2000 Star wars job of the hut -- $15 Free puppies: ? sneaky neighbor�s dog Free yorkshire terrier ---------------------------------------- Tissue ---------------------------------------- Neutered. speaks german. free. Full sized mattress. Like new. slight urine smell. Free 1 can of pork and beans with 2 ba home. For sale: ---------------------------------------- Hardly used ---------------------------------------- �we haul american made products� Shakespeare�s pizza - free chopsticks Found: dirty white dog. Been out a while.. ---------------------------------------- �if its in stock, we have it� Get a little john: Hold 2 ? bottles of beer Harrisburg postal employees gun club Georgia peaches 89 cents/lb Nice parachute: Slightly stained Free: farm kittens. ready to eat. American flag $100 Tired of working for only $9.75 per We offer profit sharing and flexible Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour Notice: The large pumpkin on Please return the pumpkin and be Radioactive. all other plants in vicinity ---------------------------------------- Queen size mattress and box springs ---------------------------------------- And its made of 100% italian leather Joining nudist colony! $300 Lawyer says client is not that guilty Alzheimer�s center prepares for ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- Save 30 cents on 2! Open house Free coffee and donuts Kellogg�s pot tarts - $1.99/box Fully cooked boneless smoked man - -----original message----- Adult disney jokes But her As cinderella sits crying in the Fairy godmother appears, and Cinderella with everything she needs But only on two conditions. "first, A diaphragm." Second condition?" Later, and your Cinderella agrees. the appointed Goes, and cinderella doesn't show 5 a.m. cinderella shows up, looking And very satisfied. The fairy godmother. Turn into a pumpkin "i met a prince, fairy godmother. he Everything." "i know of no prince Power! "tell me his name!" Peter, something Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who Sometimes complain about splinters Were having sex. pinocchio, Visit gepetto to see if he could help. Suggested he try little sandpaper Indicated and pinocchio skipped A couple weeks later, gepetto saw Bouncing happily through town and How's the girlfriend?" Girlfriend?" Through the Wolf jumped Sword to Screw your Hood calmly reached A .44 magnum You're not! you're going to eat me, Like Mickey mouse and minnie mouse Court and the judge said mickey, Your wife is crazy." mickey replied, "i Said she's fucking goofy." Through the Knocked him flat Crying, Did you know. captain hook died Subject: adult resignation Wouldn�t this be fun? Resignation as an adult. i have Responsibilities of an 8 year old And think that it�s a four star Across a fresh mud puddle and make M&ms are better than money You can eat them. i want to lie Lemonade Summer�s day. i want to return to a When life was simple. when all you Tables, and nursery rhymes, but that Didn�t Didn�t care. all you knew was to be Unaware of all the things that Make you worried or upset. i want Everyone is honest and good. i want I want to be oblivious to the Excited Live simple again. i don�t want my Mountains of paperwork, depressing The month than there is money in the Loss of loved ones. i want to A kind word, truth, justice, peace, And making angels in the snow. Car-keys, my credit card bills and my Resigning from adulthood. and if you Have to catch me first, cause
