Span of a male is typically 10 years Bitching and nagging we have to Behavior. we�re just misunderstood. To ogle at other women? Do you honestly think that all the Bodies the moment we met you? Are just much better at not getting Sort of photographic Look and memorize it for later We try to burn it into our Can. Themselves, especially in public? Little friend and make him happy. Being in public is just an added 4. why do men always say We like to. it�s actually a whole lot of A few simple (and well chosen) 5. why are men so You�d learn to keep your big mouth You get into trouble with your 6. why do men have to act Well, we don�t actually have to; we Old-fashioned pride in a job well done The world nowadays. Their feelings? Is it so hard to understand that men We supposed to share how We feel? unless we�re experiencing Hatred, disgust, or a brick on Feel. personally, i get a headache Feel. (i.e., lie down and hug)? Think there is in a day? we oblige you (besides women) can We men... men hunters... need go Wildebeast. End, on the 9. how can men sit on their Men have very powerful sets of Evolution that enable us to sit for Getting tired. in prehistoric times, it Spot for extended periods of time Successful hunters were able to sit Of time, thereby passing on this Types were all gobbled up by saber Result is that almost all modern 10. why can�t men just say �i Men are taught from a tender young We love you is equivalent to saying Consider that a character fault. it�s Character faults. You� when they hardly know me? Well, some men think it�s a sure fire Surprisingly, it actually still works 12. why doesn�t my partner We just simply don�t have the energy Questions. if we think we do not Not like the answer, we simply For other things. Up after themselves? Bother us that much. Pick it up. And farting? Of courting. We�re comfortable Actually a For extended Cramps. Shopping? Women gather. we just want to go Wants to spend hours and Intention of killing? err... Steven thode Little jimmy was laying about on a A warm spring day. puffy white Their shape. soon, he began to think �god? are you really there?� jimmy To his astonishment a voice came What can i do for you?� Asked, �god? what is a million years Knowing that jimmy could not God responded in a manner to which To me, jimmy, is like a minute.� A million dollars like to you?� A penny.� Idea. �you�re so generous... can i God replied, �sure thing, jimmy! just Subject: a mistaken rapture Woman was Leaping through her moving car's An incident best Dozens of Thirteen other people were injured Twenty-car pile up resulted The woman Convinced that the rapture was Saw twelve people floating up On the side Jesus. He's back' The sunroof and jumped off the roof Said everet williams, Williams who was Father," nodding Individually, then passed on by. Stunned--how in the world did she The next day they went back to the Outfits--these were so loud, you Saw them--and Their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, After a while, the same gorgeous Time, (they were glad they had Their eyes were about to pop out of Them Morning, father; good morning, And started to walk away. one of "just a minute young lady. yes we Have Know?" I'm sister kathryn!" Here�s a riddle: One. Madonna doesn�t have one. The artist formerly known as prince Having one. What is it? A last name......what were you Subject: a sailor and a air force guy Leave pulled into a little town for a Was already taken. �you�ve got to A room somewhere,� he pleaded. �or �well, i do have a double room with Admitted the manager, �and he But to tell the truth, he snores so Have complained in the past. i�m not �no problem,� the tired navy man The next morning the sailor came Bushy-tailed. �how�d you sleep?� �never better.� Problem with the other guy snoring, �nope, i didn�t hear a peep from him �how�d you manage that?� asked the �he was already in bed, snoring Sailor explained. �i just went over, �goodnight, beautiful,� and he sat up Subject: a smart blonde joke! York city and She is going Weeks and needs to Says the bank The loan, To a new rolls Of the bank. Bank agrees to Loan. > the bank's president and its > good laugh at the blonde for using > rolls as collateral against a $5,000 > an employee of the bank then > the rolls into the bank's secure > garage and parks it there. > two weeks later, the blonde > the $5,000 and the interest, which > $15.41. the loan officer says, > very happy to have had your > transaction worked out very > a little puzzled. while you were > checked you out and found that > multimillionaire. what puzzles us > would you bother to borrow > In new york Weeks for Subject: a spanish delicacy A local restaurant following a day of Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, Served at the next table. not only Wonderful. he asked the waiter, The waiter replied, " ah senor, you Testicles from the bull fight this The american, though momentarily Vacation! bring me an order!" Senor. there is only one serving per Fight each morning. if you come early Will be sure to save you this The next morning, the american That evening he was served the one After a few bites, and inspecting the The waiter and said, "these are Smaller than the ones i saw you The waiter shrugged his shoulders The bull wins." Subject: a stingy old lawyer Diagnosed with a terminal illness was Saying, �you can�t take it with you.� Consideration, the old ambulance- Take at least some of his money with Died. he instructed his wife to go to Money to fill two pillow cases. he Money to the attic and leave them That when he passed away, he On After the funeral, the deceased Cleaning, came upon the two Cases stuffed with cash. �oh, that Knew he should have had me put the Would be a missionary And was so deep in the Served had not seen another Been there. Birth to a white baby, and the Minister examined the baby and Eyes, and explained that Albino baby, just like the occasional Flocks kept by the tribe. he explained The chief called the man aside and No more about the black sheep, the White baby again... ---------- ---------- ---------- Johnny on the plane. he said, "let's Quicker if you strike up a Passenger." His book, closed it slowly, and said the stranger, "what would you like "oh, i don't know," said the Power?" Be an interesting topic. but let me Cow, and a deer all eat grass. the Little pellets, while a cow turns out a Clumps of dried grass. why do you that is?" Idea." Is it that you feel qualified to Don't know shit?" Hey, all you kml on 98rock in Familiar? Of these questions. knowing Understanding men and enriching Review the "c" answers. Advanced society visit the earth, You are the first human they Intergalactic Small but incredibly sophisticated Disease, providing an infinite Hunger and poverty, and And violence all over the entire You decide to United states. General of the united nations. -*-*-*-*-*-*- Quality of your youthful life do you A. innocence. C. cherry bombs. 3. when is it okay to kiss another A. when you wish to display simple For narrow-minded social B. when he is the pope. (not on the C. when he is your brother and you Only really sportsman-like way to let Reasons, you have to have him -*-*-*-*-*-*- a. a cat. c. a dog that eats cats. 5. you have been seeing a woman And intelligent, and you always Sunday afternoon the two of you Football game; she's reading the The clear She really loves you, but, she can no Knowing where your relationship is Whether you want to get married; Have some kind of future together. Do you say? Two of you do have a future, but b. that although you also have honestly say that you'll be ready commitment, and you don't want hope. Broncos called a draw play on third -*-*-*-*-*-*- You truly love a woman and you With her, sharing the joys and the What may. how do you tell her? And tell her after dinner. Moonlit beach, and you say her and when she turns to you, with Hair Her. -*-*-*-*-*-*- Wakes up feeling ill and asks you School. your first question to her a. "do they need to eat or b. "they're in school already?" -*-*-*-*-*-*- Set of veteran underwear? Dead whale and developed new Sure which ones were originally for your legs. Connected underwear molecules Tweezers. Veteran underwear. a real guy Case somebody and we are not Names, Quietly trying to discard his (which she is frankly jealous of More With her). 9. what, in your opinion, is the most Fact that moses led the israelites all Before they finally got to the a. he was being tested. Appreciate the promised land when finally got there. -*-*-*-*-*-*- Greatest achievement? b. religion. Steven thode A week at the computer helpdesk, Monday User called to say they forgot Password retrieval They thank me and hang up. god, Too? Accounting called to say they Database. gave 112, well, it works for me. let them And rave while i unplugged my Plugged their Again. one more happy customer... User from 8:05 call said they Accessing drive Transferred them to microsupport. Relatively quiet for last few hours. So Are coming into town this weekend. To janitorial closet down in What is she thinking? the myst and 11:34am Learn?). says they want acl changed Performance review database so Database. tell Acl. add @mailsend so performance Are sent to */us. Lunch Return from lunch. Wake up from nap. bad dream makes Reason. 4:23pm Know how to change fonts on form. What chip set they're using. tell them 4:55pm Save/replication conflicts" macro so Something to do. 8:30am Night. sounded busy. Conflicts. Support manager arrives. wants to Phonenotes Put something in the calendar I yell as i grab for the support lines, Walks away grumbling. Team leader from r&d needs id for Form Heard of such a form. tell them it's in Never heard of such a database. Basement. Perky sounding intern from r&d calls Need employee number, department Status. run Board database, centers for disease Database, and my oprah winfrey Ready Learned in last week's reengineering Customer partnership i offer to Apartment. Janitor stops by to say he keeps Offer to Him watch console while i grab a 1:00pm Says phones kept ringing, so he Like this guy. Big commotion! support manager Tiles Importance of not running in Room, even if i do yell omigod-fire! Development standards committee Form Inconvenience, i tell them i will fix it. And run global search/replace using 1:20pm Says she keeps getting calls for Loads or noload goats, she's not Grade Lettuce nodes. maybe the food With a new product? she thinks 2:00pm Lost password. ask her to check in Purse, floor of car, and on bathroom Of back of machine. suggest she put Can Create new id for her while she does 2:49pm Lessons. i take off rest of day. 8:30am Nothing to do with fonts on form. tell Been checking bitset, not chipset. Up. Support manager, with foot in cast, Meeting with me. user calls and About Them manager about to go into Sometimes life hands you material... Call louie in janitorial services to Manager's But can suggest several lateral Moves. most involve farm With moderate I ask if he's aware of new bug which Databases and puts all references to Marketing on the corporate web Meeting is adjourned as he reaches Tums. Tell louie he's doing great job. offer Pbx 11:00am 4:55pm 5:00pm Thursday New guy (marvin) started today. Room, Set him up with ibm pc-xt. tell him to Both monochrome and color. New guy's pc finishes booting up. tell Minimum password length to 64. go 9:30am Marvin. nice plaids louie comments. is Guy great or what?! Beat louie in dominos game. louie Sleeves Says accounting server is down. Ethernet cable from radio antenna Hub. Customer! Brief marvin on corporate policy Employees Enjoy all proper aspects with said Obligated to provide substance and Senior technical analyst on shift. Policy database (a fine piece of That's double pepperoni and no Over 1:00pm 4:30pm Marvin scanning want ads. Shift change. flick hr's server off and On/off button...). see ya tomorrow. 8:00am Power supply in hr server. 9:00am Start answering these calls myself. 9:02am Can't replicate. me and the oiuji Them to call telecommunications. Good god, another user! they're like Can't Sunspots, but with a two-hour Time on the server back two hours. Pensacola calls. says they can't Set 11:00am Everybody to quit resetting the time Servers. i change the date stamp 11:20am Phone back on hook. Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. Support manager stops by to say Get Manager says he has appointment Orthopedic doctor this afternoon, Weekly department head meeting for 11:30am Knocks and he's invited to a meeting Bring your snuff i tell him. Lunch. Start full backups on unix server. Them 1:03pm Modern technology! Look in support manager's contact 2:45pm Be at home resting, you know. New user calls. says want to learn Document. tell Utility ctrl-alt-del. says pc rebooted. Them to call microsupport. Support manager calls to say mixup Cancelled. says he's just going to go Corporate web page lately. Another (novice) user calls. says They Formula. promise to send them Addendum which says so. Finish changing foreground color in all Size to 2 in help databases. User calls to say they can't see Go to Key, and then refresh. promise to Which says so. Another user calls. says they can't It. hang up. change font to 4:58pm To see what happens. not (too) 5:00pm Hub is acting funny and to A woman walks into the downtown "wow," the social worker exclaims, "yep they are all mine," the flustered Question a thousand times before All the children rush to find seats. You must be here to sign up. "this one's my oldest--he is leroy." "well, this one he is leroy, also." the Eyebrow but continues. All boys, all named leroy. Girl, named leighroy! "i'm seeing a pattern Their momma replied, "well, yes--it To get them out of bed and ready for An' when it's time for dinner, i just Arunnin.' Running into the street, i It's the smartest idea i ever The social worker thinks this over for And says tentatively, "but what if Not the whole bunch?" Subject: a woman's prayer dear lord: Not gossiped, lost my temper, been Self indulgent. Any chocolate. Bed in a few minutes and i will need Lot more help after that. Book ** woman don't make fools of men -- Types. Is a health reason: you're sick of him. The boss at home. he probably lies ** the woman's work that is never Husband to do. Heart is through his stomach you're ** go for younger men. you might as ** a man who can dress himself Is unquestionably gay. Have different faces so you can > ** definition of a man with manners ** whenever you meet a man who Usually find that he is. Something that can do the work of ** there are a lot of words you can Caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but ** men are like animals -- messy, But they make great pets. Words that are offensive to men - ** husbands are like children -- Else's. Attention deficit disorder I have aaadd: age activated How it goes... Start to the garage and Going to work on the car... Mail. lay car keys down on Notice the waste can is Desk. Trashcan, but since i'm Address a few bills.... yes, There's only one Checks? oh, there is my Desk. i'm going to look for those But first i need to put the cup back in The kitchen, look out the window, Of water. i put the cup on the Of glasses on the kitchen counter. Just put them away... Flowers. i head for the door Remote on the wrong spot. Water the flowers. End of day: oil in car not changed, In the sink, checkbook still has only Keys, ...and, when i try to figure out Nothing got done today, i'm baffled I know i was busy all day! i realize I'd get help... By the way, the doctor told me that Contagious and that it can be Want to avoid aaadd, don't read this I meant to put this warning at the Got distracted. sorry. Computers Computer store. can i help you? Home office in the den, and i'm Abbot: mac? Abbot: your computer? Want to buy one. Costello: i told you, my name is bud. Costello: why? does it get stuffy? Windows? When i look out the windows? Costello: never mind the windows. i Abbot: software that runs on Costello: no, on the computer! i need Writeproposals, track expenses. you You got? Costello: yeah, for my office. can Abbot: i just did. Abbot: recommended something. Something? Costello: for my office? Costello: okay, what did you Abbot: office. Abbot: office for windows. It already has windows! let's say i'm Type a proposal. what do i need? Costello: if i'm writing a proposal, i'm What program do i load? Costello: what word? Costello: the only word in office is Abbot: the word in office for Costello: which word in "office for Abbot: the word you get when you Costello: i'm going to click your big w Answer.� let's forget about words for Watch a movie over the internet? Costello: maybe a real movie, maybe Your business. but what do i need to Abbot: realone. Want to watch reels two, three and Abbot: of course. Abbot: realone. Computer and i want to watch a Abbot: you click the blue 1. Abbot: the blue 1. Blue w? Realone. the blue w is word. Abbot: the word in office for Costello: but there's three words in Abbot: no, just one. but it's the most Costello: it is? Aren't many other words left. it Much wiped out all the other words. One? With word. realone isn't even part of Costello: never mind; i don't want to Also need something for bank You have to help me track my Abbot: money. Have? Costello: i need money to track my Abbot: no, not really. it comes Costello: what comes bundled with Abbot: money. My computer? Costello: i get a bundle of money Charge? how much money do i get? Costello: i get a copy of money. isn't Abbot: no. we have a license from Costello: microsoft can license you to Abbot: why not? they own it. To get free money, but i'll still need Managing your money? Program disappeared years ago. Place? Costello: you sell money? Computer from us, you get it for Costello: that's all very wonderful, Have any software for, you know, Abbot: simply accounting. Little complicated. Accounting, you might try m.y.o.b. Stand for? Costello: i beg your pardon? Said m.y.o.b. Accounting for my home business. Money. Accounting with money. but you may Costello: more money? Can't do everything. Okay, let's forget about money for Computer might...what's the word? What can i use to restore my data? Costello: okay. i'm worried about my Something to restore my data. what Abbot: goback. To repeat myself? Repeat yourself. all i said was Costello: how can i go back if i I'll go back. what do i need to write a Abbot: word. Write a proposal. The word in office for windows. In...oh, never mind. Do they always hang up on me? oh, � Subject: abbott and costello meet This one brings back the good old Costello: hey, abbott! Costello: i just got my first computer. You get? Megs of ram, a 2.1 gig hard drive, Abbott: that's terrific, lou. Of it means! Costello: that's exactly why i'm here Abbott: oh? Computer expert. Costello: yes-sir-ee. you know your Abbott: really? My first lesson. Know? Turning it on, but i heard that you It off. Costello: so, here i am working on my Off. what do i do? Start button, and then . . . It off. Button . . . Turn it off. i know how to start it. Abbott: i did. Abbott: when i told you to press Costello: why should i press the start Abbott: to shut off the computer. Abbott: well, start doesn't actually Costello: i knew it! so what do i Abbott: start. Abbott: start button. Abbott: shut down. Abbott: no, no, no! that's not what Costello: then say what you mean. Computer, press . . . Abbott: then what do you want me Costello: look, if i want to turn off Press the stop button, the end But Start to stop. Costello: and you probably go at Abbott: don't be ridiculous. Think it's about time we started Abbott: what are you talking Costello: i am starting this Have a nice day!!! Subject: about a blonde from a This blonde was driving down an old Blonde in a wheat field rowing a The Disbelief she stands at the side of While. when she could not stand it Blonde in the field. �why are you Field?� the blonde in the field stops And responds, �because it is an The blonde standing on the side of Blonde in the field. �it is blondes like Name.� the blonde in the field just Rowing again. Was beside herself and shook her fist �if i could swim i would come Subject: absence from synagogue Age of 105, suddenly stopped going synagogue. alarmed by the old Of To see him. he found him in excellent Come after all these years we don't you at services anymore?" the old man lowered his voice. "i'll i got to be 90, i expected god to Be Figured that god is very busy and forgotten about me, and i don't Two weeks Middle-aged couple and Join a church. the pastor For new parishioners. For two weeks.� At the end of two weeks. And asked, �were you Weeks?� the old man Congratulations!� Pastor. Couple and asked, �well, For the two weeks?� the Too bad. the second A couple of nights �congratulations! welcome to the The pastor then went to the Were you able to abstain from sex We were not able to go without sex Man replied sadly. �what Wife was reaching for a can of paint It. when she bent over to pick it up, i And took advantage of her right Course, Our church,� stated the �we know.� said the young man, Anymore either.� �my aunt died this past january. citi March for their monthly service Added late fees and interest on the Been $0.00...now was somewhere Phone call to citibank: Died in january." Closed and the late fees and charges Me: "maybe, you should turn it over Citibank: "since it is 2 months past Me: "so, what will they do when they Citibank: "either report her account To the credit bureau...maybe both!" Her?" Me: "did you just get what i was Being dead?" My supervisor!" (supervisor gets on Me: ''i'm calling to tell you, she died in Citibank: "the account was never Still apply." From her estate?" Her lawyer?" (lawyer info given... ) Certificate of death?" ( after they get the fax. ) For death..." Citibank: "i don't know what more i Me: "well... if you figure it out, Billing her...i suppose...don't really Citibank: "well...the late fees and Me: "'would you like her new billing Citibank: "that might help." #### hwy 129 and plot number Citibank: "sir, that's a cemetery!" People on your planet?!!" Subject: acts of life There�s a fine line between fishing Idiot. Every minute of it. Forget why you walked in? i think Thousands of years ago, cats were Never forgotten this. Today. it�s already tomorrow in Outside of a dog, a book is man�s Dark to read. Reputation is what people think you Nobody will ever win the battle of Fraternizing with the enemy. That can be recalled by their maker. Fullest. i have a large sea shell Beaches all over the world. maybe A loser is a window washer on the His work. Few winks, especially if she winks Friends may come and go, but A man who says marriage is a 50-50 Things: The only gracious way to accept an Ignore it, top it. if you can�t top it, It�s He who hesitates is sometimes The only difference between a rut From: steven.thode 2000 7:16 am Chris sanchez (e-mail); alert newland Buckley (e-mail); bob Mail); chris louzonis (e-mail); chris Mail); doug (e-mail); gus mondalek (e-mail); hugh Mail); kim Mail); ron mason (e-mail); russ Mail) Times > > wanted a tall well-built woman > reputation, who can cook > legs who appreciates a good > schia garden, classic music and tal- > 5. Following are accounts of actual Airline and control towers from The controller who was working a 727 on downwind to make a three- Circle, usually to provide spacing The pilot of the 727 complained, "do Us two thousand dollars to make a Airplane? without missing a beat the Replied, "roger, give me four ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Out after landing Too high. Heavy, turn right at the
