Tommy replies �no.� Elizabeth o�shea?� The priest asks, �was it amy Tommy replies �no, father.� Morgan?� Tell you.� Admire your perseverance, but you Penance will be four �our fathers� and Your seat.� Buddy sean slides over and �well, i got four our fathers, five hail Secrets of a happy marriage.... Making a marriage last. two times a Restaurant, a little wine, good Fridays. To go for our anniversary?� she said, Been!� i told her, �how about the We always hold hands. if i let go, she She has an electric blender, electric Then she said �there are too many So i bought her an electric chair. Yelling, �am i too late for the Truck A husband said to his wife, �your Years now. isn�t it time that she Mother ?� said the shocked wife, �i Mother.� Them were bright, smart and Dull, ugly and backward. one day �tell me the truth dear, is Dear,� replied the wife, � but the One day a father called his 6 children Who has been most Everything mother asked ?� in one Daddy.� His paper one morning, peacefully Wife sneaks up behind him and wacks Huge frying pan. he Replies, �what was that piece of The name mary lou written on it?� he Weeks ago when i went to Name of one of the horses i bet on.� Work around the house. three days In his chair reading and she repeats �what�s that for this time?� Called.� A man was driving down the street Fireman�s hat on sitting in a little Lab. Cutest thing i�ve ever seen. i�ve got Boy. he got out, looked and said You�ve got there but, don�t you You had that rope tied around his The little boy looked at him and said, Then i wouldn�t have a Times sure have changed ! From a science fiction show. To clean, and ram was the cousin of Meg was the name of my girlfriend, Money. Meanings, An application was for employment. A cursor used profanity. Memory was something you lost with A cd was a bank account. You hoped nobody found out. To the garbage, not something you And if you unzipped anything in You�d be in jail for a while. Hard drive was a long trip on the A mouse pad was where a mouse And a backup happened to your Cut you did with a pocket knife. A web was a spider�s home, You might be a yankee if... Doesn�t bother you. �deliverance� and you�re afraid to go For breakfast, you�d rather have You can name at least 4 hockey You don�t know what a moon pie is. You wonder why people in Do. Summer vacation around a gun & You don�t have any problems Correctly. You are familiar with all the rules to You have no idea what a polecat is. Joke about farm animals, it goes over You don�t see anything wrong with You�ve never had bangs. Vineyard than six flags. Wd-40 somewhere around the You would rather have your son Get his own tv fishing show. �you guys� instead of �y�all�. Important scientific research at your Salary of the head football coach. You don�t know anyone with two first Bob, bob bob) In public talk to you. With real fur. Is. North american society for... You eat fried chicken with a knife Your idea of a perfect meal is You use the horn in your car more Everything you know about the civil You don�t �reckon�. You�re not �fixin� to do anything. The smiths had no children and Start their family. on the day the Kissed his wife and said, �i�m off. the Soon.� Door-to-door baby photographer Make a sale. �good morning madam. To....� Expecting you,� mrs. smith cut in. �well, good! i�ve made a specialty of �that�s what my husband and i had Seat. just where do we �leave everything to me. i usually try Couch and perhaps a couple on Floor is fun too; you can really �bathtub, living room floor? no Me.� Guarantee a good one every time. Positions and i shoot from six or Pleased with the results.� Quickly,� gasped mrs. smith. Must take his time. i�d love to be in You�d be disappointed with that, i�m �don�t i know!!,� mrs. smith The photographer opened his Of his baby pictures. �this was Downtown london.� Tugging at her handkerchief. Exceptionally well when you consider Work with.� the photographer �she was difficult ?� asked mrs. �yes, i�m afraid so. i finally had to Done right. people were Pushing to get a good look.� Smith, eyes widened in amazement. For more than three hours too. the Squealing and yelling. i could hardly Approached and i began to rush Began nibbling on my equipment, i Mrs. smith leaned forward. �you Eh......equipment ?�. Ready, i�ll set up my tripod so that we �tripod??,� mrs. smith looked �oh yes, i have to use a tripod to For me to hold while i�m Madam?..... good lord, she�s Thode family Gassy elephant blows her trainer Sassy, the 2-ton elephant, queen of Suffered a bout with gas that nearly Several holes in the striped tent Prancing. now dubbed sassy the Beast Red-hot tex-mex chili cooking outside Sassy developed a taste for chili as a Lived with a herd of cows near el Cook-outs, and let sassy lick the chili �the hotter the better,� recalls Poke her little fuzzy trunk in there Whistle. Cows would stick to one end of the Herself at the other. �i always Someone was burning garbage, but i Off her bean supply. it was making Antonio, who got the baby elephant His, sold sassy to the circus and Queen of the center ring. �i Sassy that she loved chili, but it To keep the Stoves away, because she would Start hooting and hollering to get it. Fritz says, shaking his head. �we had Her penned there a whole day.� Never forget, and with chili pots Before sassy slipped her trunk Started gobbling. �i knew i had to Says fritz from his hospital bed. �but i Fast enough. as iled her away, the Known better than to stand too Right Parked outside.� Including one arm, one leg, his Subsequent blasts ripped through Top before sassy was banished to a Concludes the forgiving trainer. Can�t help herself.� A golfer is in a competitive match Couple of strokes. "boy, i'd give Mumbles to himself. Him and whispers, "would you be Sex life?" Answer will be meaningless, the Good omen so he says, "sure," and Two holes later, he mumbles to To get an eagle on this one." the And whispers, would it be worth Life?" shrugging, the golfer replies, On the final hole, the golfer needs Waiting for him to say anything, the And says, would winning this match Sex life?" definitely," the golfer As the golfer is walking to the club Him and says, "i haven't really been Know who i am. i'm the devil, and No sex life." Replies, "i'm father o'malley." Chicken guts Mixed around in many ways, but still >having just gotten married, john Life Wasn't long after the honeymoon >marsha began to notice a particular >fond of. every morning, right after >fart so loud and violently that he >the bed. >marsha, being the patient wife she Even Disgusted with the whole situation. >several weeks of this "morning >time to say something about it. >you'll fart your guts out if you keep > Each morning with a real barn >"john, please stop it", marsha said. >fart your guts out if you keep it > Marsha decided it was time to take Went down to the corner meat >day and asked the butcher for Home and > Arose for work, marsha crept into >kitchen and warmed the chicken Then In hand, and slipped them down into >back of john's underwear! >"this will fix him", she thought to >make breakfast. at about the usual >off and just like ol' faithful himself, >she imagined john's reaction to her >noticed that it was taking john a lot >stairs. >when he finally did make his Was walking Matter, honey?" she asked. >john said. "remember how you Mornings i "yes", marsha said with a grin. >"well this morning it really > "but you don't have to worry about > Grace of god and these two fingers i > Steven thode Catholic school Math. his parents tried But to no avail. Friend, they decided to School. Were surprised when he Focused and very determined He went straight past them, right to Closed the door. for nearly two - with math books strewn about his Floor. he emerged long enough to His plate, went straight back to his Worked feverishly at his studies until This pattern of behavior continued First quarter�s report card. the boy - laid it on the dinner table and went Cautiously, his mother opened it and, Large red �a� under the subject of Overjoyed, she and her husband Thrilled at his remarkable progress. Father asked. �no.� Peer-mentoring?� �the textbooks? the teachers? the �no�, said the son. The front door and saw Knew they meant business!� Subject: a letter home > Since i left for college. > i have been remiss in writing and i > my thoughtlessness. i will bring > but before you read on, please sit > to read any further unless you are > well, i am getting along pretty well > fracture and the concussion i got > of the window of my dormitory > shortly after my arrival are pretty > i only spent two weeks in the > see almost normally and i only get > once a week. > fortunately, the fire in the > witnessed by an attendant at the > dorm and he was the one who > and the ambulance. he also visited > and since i had nowhere to live > out dorm, he was kind enough to > apartment with him. it's really a > it's kind of cute. he is a very fine > fallen deeply in love and are > we haven't exactly set the date > before my pregnancy begins to > I know how you are Grandparents and i know you The same love and Gave me as a child. the Marriage is that my boyfriend Prevents us from passing Carelessly caught it With the penicillin > The family with open Well educated, has Different race and religion Tolerance will not permit That his skin color is Sure you will love him Good, too, for i hear Gun-bearer in the village > Date, i want to tell Fire. i do not have a Was not in the hospital, Engaged, i do not have syphilis Life. however, i am Science class and Their proper perspective. > your loving daughter, > mary > --------- end forwarded message > How appropriate after last night�s It has been reported that monica Establishment again. it went She: i have another dress for you to He: (who is old, and somewhat hard She: no. mustard this time. > a compendium of maxims > > Elements in the universe are > stupidity. > >2. if at first you don't succeed, > > But it sure makes misery easier to > with. > >4. it has recently been Cancer in rats. > >5. always remember to pillage > > Something right the first time is that > >appreciates how difficult it was. > >7. it may be that your sole > warning > > Then it follows that naked people > little > > Their vitality by moving to where you > >find them. > >10. the law of probability That > >the fan will not be evenly > > Flexibility. > >12. there is absolutely no Preparation. > >13. nostalgia isn't what it used to > > Interesting, are usually irrelevant. > >15. the careful application of Communication. > >16. things are more like they are Before. > >17. everything should be made > > But enemies accumulate. > >19. all things being equal, fat > > Go wrong then you have someone in > to > > On monday. > >22. by the time you can make > > But don't bet on it. > >24. never wrestle with a pig. you Enjoys > > You are halfway through it before > >realize it's a "do it yourself" > > A lovely finish. > >27. we can sympathize with a The People are afraid of the light. > >28. if only the good die young Senior > > >29. employ teenagers - while > > Friends. > >31. down with gravity! > >32. nobody's perfect and since > > Foods die from natural causes. > >34. why is there only one > > In, but with my luck, i'll be at the > > >36. age is a case of mind over > really > > To be a nuisance. > >38. when the cat's away there > > Than an ordinary person away from > > Vague. > ---------- Red shirt) Seafarer named captain bravo. he No fear in facing his enemies. Seas, a look-out spotted a pirate Frantic. captain bravo bellowed, The first mate quickly retrieved the Donning the shirt, the captain led Pirates. One, but two pirate ships. the Again howled for his red shirt and That evening, all the men sat around Triumphs, and one of them Call for your red shirt before each Replied:"if i am wounded in the Bleeding and will continue to fight, Silence and marveled at the courage As dawn came the next morning, the But ten pirate ships Stared at the captain and waited for Captain bravo calmly shouted: "bring Subject: a lot changes in 30 years What a difference 30 years can > > > > 1970 long hair > > > > 2000 the perfect high yield > > > > 2000 ekg > > 1970 acid rock > > Because it's cool Because it's warm > > 1970 growing pot > > Historic flight with your > > 2000 watching john glenn's > > children > > 1970 trying to look like marlon > > taylor Marlon brando or > > > > 2000 roughage > > 1970 our president's struggle > > 2000 our president's struggle > > > > 2000 aarp > > 1970 killer weed > > > > 2000 dr. kevorkian > > 1970 getting out to a new, hip > > 2000 getting a new hip joint > > 1970 rolling stones > > Principal's office Office > > 1970 peace sign > > Get your hair cut Get their heads shaved > > 1970 take acid > > > > 2000 passing the vision test > > 1970 "whatever" Steven thode Question a woman ever asks Woman ever asks It�s a testosterone thing. much similar From testosterone poisoning. why do Span of a male is typically 10 years Bitching and nagging we have to Behavior. we�re just misunderstood. To ogle at other women? Do you honestly think that all the Bodies the moment we met you? Are just much better at not getting Sort of photographic Look and memorize it for later We try to burn it into our Can. Themselves, especially in public? Little friend and make him happy. Being in public is just an added 4. why do men always say We like to. it�s actually a whole lot of A few simple (and well chosen) 5. why are men so You�d learn to keep your big mouth You get into trouble with your 6. why do men have to act Well, we don�t actually have to; we Old-fashioned pride in a job well done The world nowadays. Their feelings? Is it so hard to understand that men We supposed to share how We feel? unless we�re experiencing Hatred, disgust, or a brick on Feel. personally, i get a headache Feel. (i.e., lie down and hug)? Think there is in a day? we oblige you (besides women) can We men... men hunters... need go Wildebeast. End, on the 9. how can men sit on their Men have very powerful sets of Evolution that enable us to sit for Getting tired. in prehistoric times, it Spot for extended periods of time Successful hunters were able to sit Of time, thereby passing on this Types were all gobbled up by saber Result is that almost all modern 10. why can�t men just say �i Men are taught from a tender young We love you is equivalent to saying Consider that a character fault. it�s Character faults. You� when they hardly know me? Well, some men think it�s a sure fire Surprisingly, it actually still works 12. why doesn�t my partner We just simply don�t have the energy Questions. if we think we do not Not like the answer, we simply For other things. Up after themselves? Bother us that much. Pick it up. And farting? Of courting. We�re comfortable Actually a For extended Cramps. Shopping? Women gather. we just want to go Wants to spend hours and Intention of killing? err... Steven thode Little jimmy was laying about on a A warm spring day. puffy white Their shape. soon, he began to think �god? are you really there?� jimmy To his astonishment a voice came What can i do for you?� Asked, �god? what is a million years Knowing that jimmy could not God responded in a manner to which To me, jimmy, is like a minute.� A million dollars like to you?� A penny.� Idea. �you�re so generous... can i God replied, �sure thing, jimmy! just Subject: a mistaken rapture Woman was Leaping through her moving car's An incident best Dozens of Thirteen other people were injured Twenty-car pile up resulted The woman Convinced that the rapture was Saw twelve people floating up On the side Jesus. He's back' The sunroof and jumped off the roof Said everet williams, Williams who was
