There is someone in the control tower Down. Off - even 8) the ventilation system of any Perfect hiding place. no-one will ever Looking for you in there and you can Other part of the building you want Difficulty. Will always Haven�t been 10) you�re very likely to survive any War unless you make the mistake of A picture of your sweetheart back 11) should you wish to pass yourself German officer, it will not be The language. a german accent will 12) if your town is threatened by an Natural disaster or killer beast, the Concern will be the tourist trade or Forthcoming art exhibition. From any window in 14) a man will show no pain while Ferocious beating but will wince when To clean his wounds. Someone 16) the chief of Look at your Grab one at Always be the 18) interbreeding is genetically Creature from elsewhere in the 19) kitchens don�t have light Entering a kitchen at night, you Fridge door and use that light 20) if staying in a haunted house, Investigate any strange noises in Revealing underwear. Cursor on Password now. Bacon and waffles Though their Time to eat it. Burst into 24) the chief of police will always Star detective - or give him 48 hours Job. To light up a 26) medieval peasants had perfect 27) although in the 20th century it is Fire weapons at an object out of our People of the 23rd century will have Technology. Nightmare will sit 29) it is not necessary to say hello or When beginning or ending phone 30) even when driving down a Road it is necessary to turn the Vigorously from left to right every 31) all bombs are fitted with Devices with large red readouts so When they�re going to go off. Directly outside 33) a detective can only solve a case Been suspended from duty. The street, The steps. Powerful enough to Of any invading 36) it does not matter if you are Outnumbered in a fight involving Your enemies will wait patiently to By one by dancing around in a Until you have knocked out their 37) when a person is knocked To the head, they will never suffer a Brain damage. Hijacking, Invasion will 39) police departments give their Personality tests to make sure they Deliberately assigned a partner who Opposite. Foreigners prefer to 41) you can always find a chainsaw One. Credit card or a 43) an electric fence, powerful Dinosaur will cause no lasting Year old child. Contain a That precise 45) the average hotel pool is deep To survive a fall from any floor. Have a �jade� or �lotus 47) traveling between any two City will always take you past the Liberty, lincoln center, washington And the new york public library. In the human race Compensate for 49) most dogs are immortal. A young couple got married and left Back, Mother. her mother asked, "how was Honeymoon?" Honeymoon was wonderful! so Suddenly she burst out crying. "but, Started using the most horrible Before! i You've got to come get me and take Home.... please mama!" "calm down! tell me, what could be Awful? what 4-letter words?" Mama," wept the daughter, "i'm so Come get me, please!" What has you so upset.... Letter words!" Mama...words like dust, wash, iron, Steven thode 5 stages of drunkenness Suddenly become an expert Universe. you know you know Knowledge to anyone who Always right. and of Is very wrong. this When both parties are Stage 2 - good looking this is when Are the best looking person in the People fancy you. you can go up to Knowing they fancy you and really Bear in mind that you are still smart, This person about any subject under Stage 3 - rich this is when you Person in the world. you can buy Because you have an armored truck Behind the bar. you can also make Because of course, you are still Win all your bets. it doesn�t matter You are rich. you will also buy drinks You fancy, because now you are the The world. Ready to pick fights Those with whom you Because nothing can Go up to the partners Challenge to a battle of Losing this battle And hell, you�re better Stage 5 - invisible this is the final At this point you can do anything You. you dance on a table to impress Fancy because the rest of the people You. you are also invisible to the Fight you. you can walk through the Top of your lungs because no one Because you�re still smart you know ( Women ask men Women ask men and the answers... 1. what are you thinking about? 3. do i look fat? Me? What makes these questions so Guaranteed to explode into a major Incorrectly (i.e., Public service, each question is Responses. About? Is: �i�m sorry if i�ve been pensive, Warm, wonderful, thoughtful, And how lucky i am to have met No resemblance to the true answer, Following: B. football. D. how much prettier she is than E. how i would spend the (perhaps the best response to this Who once told peg, �if i wanted you Would be talking to you!�) The proper response is: �yes!� or, if Order, �yes, dear.� inappropriate A. i suppose so. I said yes? Mean by love. E. who, me? The correct answer is an emphatic: Answers are: B. i wouldn�t call you fat, but C. a little extra weight looks good D. i�ve seen fatter. I was just thinking about how i would Died. Prettier than me? An emphatic: �of course not!� A. yes, but you have a better B. not prettier, but definitely thinner Were her age E. could you repeat the question? i Spend the insurance money if you Question# 5: what would you do if i A definite no-win question. (the real Corvette.�) Prepared for at least an hour of The these lines: Again? W: why not, don�t you like being M: of course i do. M: okay, i�d get married again. Her face) W: would you sleep with her in our M: where else would we sleep? And replace them with pictures of M: that would seem like the proper W: and would you let her use my golf M: of course not, dear. she�s left- Subject: 5 types of sex 1) the first is smurf sex. this Period; you both keep doing it until 2) the second is kitchen sex. this is You'll have sex anywhere, anytime, 3) the third kind is bedroom sex. Have kids, so you gotta do it in the 4) the fourth kind is hallway sex. this Other in the hallway and say, "fuck 5) there is also a fifth kind of sex: Divorced and your wife screws you in To: bill raley; bob buckley; Mondalek; lonnie burns; michael Isenberg; russ decrease Finals 50 ways to disrupt an exam 50 fun things to do in a final that To fail the class completely no matter 1. bring a pillow. fall asleep (or minutes. wake up, say "oh geez, gibberish work. turn it in a few 2. get a copy of the exam, run out secret documents!!" Answer in essay form. if it is long Numbers and symbols. be creative. the integral symbol. Exam. aim them at the instructor's 5. talk the entire way through the your answers with yourself out "i'm sooo sure you can hear me what a jerk the instructor is. 7. walk in, get the exam, sit down. say to the instructor, "i don't every lecture all semester long! are you? where's the regular 8. bring a game boy (or game gear, level. Whatever) find a new, interesting refuse to answer every question. this question on the grounds that beliefs. be creative. 11. run into the exam room looking relief. go to the instructor, say the country" and run off. Stand up, rip up all the papers into The air and yell out "merry Ask for another copy of the Repeat this process every fifteen 13. do the exam with crayons, paint, 14. come into the exam wearing head, and nothing else. Turet's syndrome during the exam. vulgar as possible. Language. if you don't know one, one up! for math/science exams, 17. bring things to throw at the blame it on the person nearest to 18. as soon as the instructor hands 19. walk into the exam with an taping your next video during the let them stay, be persuasive. tell percentage of the profits if they 20. every five minutes, stand up, another seat, continue with the 21. turn in the exam approximately start commenting on how easy it 22. do the entire exam as if it was it is a multiple choice exam, spell babe. etc..). Exam with all questions and answers 24. get the exam. twenty minutes violently, scream out "fuck this!" 25. arrange a protest before the instructor that whether or not after one hour to go drink) (completely drunk means at some during the exam, you should start 27. every now and then, clap twice tell him/her in a very derogatory above my head when i get an idea 28. comment on how sexy the 29. come to the exam wearing a Put "i'm here, the phantom of the 30. go to an exam for a class you The Instructor would recognize you if you Been to every lecture. fight for your 31. upon receiving the exam, look it "you don't really expect me to our lives is on!!!" Nuff said. Begins, hum the theme to jeopardy. the instructor's requests for you to leave one way or another, Bridge 34. start a brawl in the middle of the 35. if the exam is math/science You Imaginary numbers into most Relate ev Somewhat surprised she consents to Successful after which the Night and leaves. This point, and is close to sleep, for Another knock at the door and there And ready for more. Boogie. as they�re laying in afterglow Really impressed that a guy your Three times. i�ve been with guys less Good for one.....you�re great morris Morris looks cunfused, and turns to Steven thode 90�s jargon Coined slang phrase �going postal�. The book �jargon watch�, just Way, for the out of touch: going Stressed out, for losing it. makes Record of postal employees who Snapped and gone on shooting Alpha geek - the most Person in an The alpha geek around here.� Some people seem to absorb success Advancement by kissing up to the Beepilepsy - the brief seizure people Goes off (especially in vibrator Spasms, goofy facial expressions, Mid-sentence. Salsa = software. �well, first we Your chips or your salsa.� Profoundly useless java applet. �i Wasted 30 minutes downloading this Dancing baloney - little animated gifs Useless and serve simply to impress Maybe a little dancing baloney will Depotphobia - fear associated with How Electronics geeks experience Flight risk - used to describe Planning Soon. The world wide web error message Requested document could not be He�s 404, man.� Landscape that are exactly the same So lost in generica, i actually forgot Good job - a �get-out-of-debt� job. Order to pay off their debts, one Are solvent again. Media spectacles that are annoying, You find yourself unable to stop Prime example. Buildup of dirt and crud found on Midair passenger exchange - grim Head-on collision. midair passenger �aluminum rain.� Than-full-featured web browser. Of time in which you realize that Seen in elizabeth p. crowe�s book the Type rm -rf *, and realize you are Thought you were in.) �problem exists between chair and Frustrated, often arrogant lot. Submitted numerous acronyms and Users who call them up with Another Guy has an id-ten-t on his Percussive maintenance - the fine Electronic device to get it to work Prairie dogging - when someone yells �cube farm� (an office full of Up On. Flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps Square-headed girlfriend - another Square-headed girlfriend is a Telephone number salary - a salary Digits. Classes just to get a vacation from Serious students in the class; the Were tourists.� Dubious standing. �this is dale, Uninstalled - euphemism for being Vice president at a downsizing The President. please dial our main And ask the operator for Vulcan nerve pinch - the taxing hand The appropriate keys for certain Boot Pressing the control key, the The power on key. $20 bills spewed out of atms Trying to split the bill after a meal: All owe $8 each, but all anybody�s Subject: 90's office terms The late 90s office Assmosis - the process by which Success and advancement by kissing Blamestorming - sitting around in a Deadline was missed or a project Seagull manager - a manager who Noise, craps over everything and Salmon day - the experience of Upstream only to get screwed and Chainsaw consultant - an outside The employee head count, leaving Clm - career limiting move - used Describe ill-advised activity. trashing Is within earshot is a serious clm. Organizational layers beginning Decisions that fall from the Are often profoundly inappropriate Were designed to solve. Oppressed by your boss. Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic Again. the old man revised the Flight risk - used to describe Planning to leave the company or 404 - someone who�s clueless. from Message �404 not found,� meaning Could not be located. ... he�s 404, man.� Landscape that are One is, such as fast food As in: Forgot what city we were in.� Fraction of time in which you Mistake. Art of whacking the crap To work again. Dubious standing or a �this is dyan, my ... um Body nazis: hard-core exercise and Look down on anyone who doesn�t Cube farm: an office filled with Idea hamsters: people who always Generators running. Generation�s answer to the Prairie dogging: when someone yells In a cube farm, and people�s heads What�s going on. When they have children and Home with the kids. stands for Oppressive mortgage. Marriage that ends in And no regrets. To thrive on being stressed Swiped out: an atm or credit card Useless because the magnetic strip is Use. Classes just to get a Example: �we had three serious Rest were just tourists.� Documentation or other printed Xerox subsidy: euphemism for One�s workplace. Totally stressed out, for Unfortunate track record of postal Gone on shooting rampages. Knowledgeable, technically proficient Chips and salsa - chips = hardware, �well, first we gotta figure out if the Or your salsa.� Job. a well-paying job Debts, one that they will Again. Media spectacles that are Unable to stop watching them. the Deinstalled - euphemism for being Voicemail of a vice president at a Have reached the number of a Dial our main number and ask the Also, �decruitment.�) $20 bills spewed out of Trying to split the bill after a Anybody�s got are yuppie food Subject: 92 year-old-man physical Doctor to get a physical. a few days Walking down the street with a Young lady on his arm. Talked to the man and said, �you�re Man replied, �just doing what you Be cheerful�.� Said you got a heart murmur. be Down the road when she sees the A log. >"my what big eyes you have, mr. >the surprised wolf jumps up and > Riding hood sees the wolf again, Tree stump. >"my what big ears you have mr. >again the foiled wolf jumps up and > Red riding hood sees the wolf >this time crouched down behind a > Wolf," taunts little red riding > And screams..."will you fuck > > michael s. bielinski >---------------------- > --------- end forwarded message Subject: a 'bama boy looks at y2k Months of work on time and on Everk line of code in everk program Skstem. we have analkzed all Backups and historic archives, and Change. Completed the �y-to-k� date change All changes to all programs and Standards: June, julk, august, september, As well as: Wednesdak, thursdak,fridak, I trust that this is satisfactork, To k problem has made ank sense to Problem, and our team is glad to help The kear 2000 have to do with it? Think we ought to do next kear when To 00? we�ll await kour direction.� A young man in the old west wanted Practiced every day, but knew he Would One night, as he was sitting in a Had the reputation of being the The And told him his dream. And said, "i have a suggestion that "tell me, tell me," said the young "tie the bottom of your holster lower "will that make me a better "definitely," said the old man. Told, then in a flash he drew his gun Player. Have any more suggestions?" Of your holster where the hammer Smoother." Gunfighter?" The young guy did what he was told, The cufflink off the piano player. Anything else you can share with "one more thing," said the old man, There in the corner and rub it all over The young man didn't hesitate but The barrel of the gun. Everything," said the old man. Gunfighter?" Wyatt earp gets done playing that Up your ****, and it won't hurt as Subject: a captain's courage Once upon a time, there was an Captain bravado Enemies. one day, while sailing the Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate Became frantic. My red shirt!" the first mate quickly The captain's red shirt, and while The captain The mighty pirates. On deck recounting the triumph of One of them asked the captain, "sir, Before The captain replied, "if i were to be Would Would continue to fight, unafraid." The courage of such a manly man's Dawn came the next morning, the But ten Stared in worshipful silence at the And waited for his usual orders. Eyes upon Ship, and without fear, turned and Shouted, "get me my brown pants." Subject: a celebrity as president Celebrity 16> under president fleiss�s Voters can screw any member of 15> under president pee wee, New meaning. Arafat switch places at the middle Notices. Union address given by a Difference!) Agricultural support policies Sales of pink floyd albums and 11> for some reason, ken starr Locklear is sleeping with half the 10> mariah carey�s stealth voice Contractors out of work. Children in nike�s asian shoe Welfare recipients.� Three foreign relations nightmares Northern ireland and the former 7> in addition to his regular duties, Doubles as the first lady. Popping causes the secret service With their bodies. President robert downey, jr. 4> president travolta merges The irs to create the most evil Ever known. Acceptance speech is taken Acceptance speeches, people 2> only minor changes under Whole Ambassador�s wife speaks. And top5�s number 1 result of having Remember an �anti-� in A chicken . a horse ... and a harley On the farm lived a chicken and a Whom loved to play together. one Were playing, when the horse fell Scared for his life, the horse The Back to the farm. And searched for Had gone to town with the only Running around, the chicken spied Harley. finding the keys in the Sped off with a length of rope, Friend's life. Surprised, but The shiny harley, and he managed to Chicken End to the rear bumper of the Slowly forward and, with the aid of Powerful bike, rescued the horse! The harley back to the farmhouse The farmer was none the wiser when The friendship between the two Buddies, best A few weeks later, the chicken fell Began to sink and cried out to the His life! the horse thought a moment, Large puddle. looking underneath, he Hangy-down Of the pit. the chicken got a good Out, saving his life. A moral!) Don't need a harley to pick up ) Wednesday >>today we will experiment with a The Will pair off with the person sitting to You will then write the first Partner will read the first paragraph >>then add another paragraph to Add Back and forth. remember to reread >>been written each time in order Story is Has been reached. >> ------------------------ >> Which kind of tea she wanted. the Favorite for lazy evenings at home, >>reminded her too much of carl, He Must now, at all costs, keep her mind
