Mysterious questions and then Mutter something about 33. tell your friends 4 days Party because you�re not in the 34. send this list to everyone They sent it to you or ask you not to Subject: 37 rude & crude pick-up 37 rude & crude pick-up lines 1. i wish you were a door so i could 2. nice legs...what time do they 3. do you work for ups? i thought i 4. you've got 206 bones in your 5. can i buy you a drink or do you 6. i may not be the best looking guy Talking to you. For a big breasted bed thrasher: 8. i'm fighting the urge to make you Tonight. And you can blow the hell outta me. Outside superdrug, so i could ride 11. oh, i'm sorry, i thought that was 12. i'd really like to see how you look 13. is that a ladder in your stockings 14. you might not be the best Light switch away. 16. you must be the limp doctor 17. i'd walk a million miles for one of For that thing you do with your 18. if it's true that we are what we Morning. It's not just going to suck itself. Sex with me. Handcuffs. any questions? Name sherry titsbottom? A crumpled heap on my bedroom 24. my name is (name)...remember 25. do you believe in love at first 26. hi, i'm mr. right. someone said 27. my friend wants to know if you 28. hi. the voices in my head told me 29. my name isn't elmo, but you can 30. i know milk does a body good, Drinking? Was the last man on earth, i bet we 32. wanna come over for some pizza Pizza? Lover...you shouldn't go home Me. Can i??? Windex? because i can see myself in 36. i lost my puppy. can you help me Cheap motel room. Let's get you out of these wet Subject: 38 rude & crude pick-up 1. i wish you were a door so i could 2. nice legs...what time do they 3. do you work for ups? i thought i 4. you've got 206 bones in your 5. can i buy you a drink or do you 6. i may not be the best looking guy To you. For a big breasted bed thrasher: You seen one? The happiest woman on earth 9. wanna play army? i'll lay down and 10. i wish you were a pony carousel You 11. oh, i'm sorry, i thought that was 12. i'd really like to see how you look 13. is that a ladder in your stockings 14. you might not be the best Light 15. are those real? Because i've got a stiffy. Your smiles, and even farther for 18. if it's true that we are what we 19. (look down at your crotch) well 20. you know, if i were you, i'd have 21. you. me. whipped cream. 22. f@# me if i'm wrong, but is your 23. those clothes would look great in Floor. That, you'll be screaming it later. Sight or should i walk by again? You were looking for me. Think i'm cute. Me to come over and talk to you. Tickle me anytime you want to. But damn, how much have you been 31. if you were the last woman and i Could do it in public. And sex? no? why? don't you like 34. baby, i'm an american express Without me. Can i??? Windex? because i can see myself in 37. i lost my puppy. can you help me Cheap motel room. Let's get you out of these wet Subject: 38 ways to simulate being in 38 ways to simulate being in the 1. lock all friends and family outside. should be with letters that your Three People that you don't really know or people who smoke, snore like language like a child uses sugar on Completely cut yourself off from the Bring you a time, newsweek, or To keep you abreast of current Hourly, recording all vital information When doors open, etc) 5. do not flush the toilet for five People A four hour period. 7. wear only military uniforms. even Press 20 minutes. 8. cut your hair weekly, making it or look like you lost a fight with a Only four hours at a time, to ensure Even care if it is day or night. 10. listen to your favorite cd 6 times Music You are glad to get back to your cd. 11. cut a twin mattress in half and Add a Sitting up (about 10 inches is a good Platform that is four feet off the place a small dead animal under bunkmate's socks. 12. set your alarm to go off at 10 sleep to simulate the various times Bump Your bed on a rocking table to are tossed around the remaining Clock Alarms, police sirens, helicopter alarms, and a new-wave rock Vegetables delivered to your garage weeks before eating them. 14. prepare all meals blindfolded For, or And eat everything in three minutes. 15. periodically, shut off all power at around shouting "fire, fire, fire" Commode to overflow to simulate a Rancid animal fat. scrub the Can no longer see out of it. wear Especially when you are in the Household appliances. routinely take Together. 19. remove all plants, pictures and white, or the shade of hospital Lock up all but two rolls. ensure one Time. 21. smash your forehead or shins Simulate Navy ships. 22. when making sandwiches, leave Is To another port. go directly to the Clothes. find the worst looking ask for the most expensive beer You Home taking the longest possible tip the cabby after he charges And After each port visit. 25. keep the bedroom thermostat at For Connected to a device that provides From a fast drip to a weak trickle, Rapidly from -2 to 95 deg c. 27. use only spoons which hold a Every month, whether it needs it or Not just a job, it's an adventure!" 30. mix kerosene with your water On the If a lit match thrown into your More kerosene. 31. stand outside at attention at You know Be sure to have him skip over pertinent. 32. every four hours, check the fluid the tire pressure and replace air be sure to place red tag on Operate" Inform your neighbor as to the of these checks, have him tell you not see you perform them. 33. paint your house gray (exterior) You do Paint your driveway a different of gray. 34. wait outside your dining area as Have Prepared several hours earlier. 35. shut all blinds and doors at Absolutely not a speck of dust call on a stranger to come inspect dust that has collected in the time cannot leave until he finds House/belongings. 37. hang christmas lights in june. "deceptive Visit. when neighbors ask, say, In the bedroom. Make in the bedroom. _____ And diving straight for the You're paying by the hour and trying Out nonessentials. a properly Form of foreplay. It, some kid at school told you girls There's a difference between being To extinguish the candles on 3) not shaving. you often forget you Chin which you rake Face and thighs. when she turns her Not passion, it's avoidance. Act like a housewife testing a melon They get their hand on a pair. 5) biting her nipples. why do men Clamp down like Her breasts? nipples are highly To chewing. lick and suck them Them is good. pretending 6) twiddling her nipples. stop doing Nipples between finger Radio station in a hilly area. focus on Just the exclamation points. Body. a woman is not a highway with Turnoffs: breastville east and west, Vast areas of her body which Go bombing straight into downtown Some attention. Manual dexterity in the underskirt Tangled fingers and underpants. if Just ask her to take the damn 9) leaving her a little present. Responsibility. you wore it, 10) attacking the clitoris. direct Gently rotate your fingers 11) stopping for a break. women, Left off. if you stop, Very fast. if you can tell she's not Numb jaw or not. Women hate looking stupid, but Naked at the waist with a sweater An elegant present, not a 13) giving her a wedgie during Her panties can be Between her thighs and yanking it 14) being obsessed with the vagina. Clitoris without maps, Where it's all at. no sooner is your Trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a If you're not careful, it It's best to pay more attention to her Her vagina at first, then gently slip a It. Attempting to give her a sensual, Get her in the mood. hands and Knees are not. Force the issue by stripping before Some move toward getting your Couple of buttons. In socks and underpants is a at his Socks first! The penis-in-vagina situation, the Pump away like an industrial power Line worker made obsolete With clean, straight, regular thrusts. Great triangular hip bones into her Pain is equal to two weeks of Few seconds. Fear. with reason. if you shoot Her eyes, make sure you have a Too. Appear to you that humping for an Climaxing is the mark of a sex god, A numb vagina. at least She has something to hold her Marathon man. Really ought to be able to tell. most If you really don't know, don't ask Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer Your whole mouth down there, and Flicking your tongue on her 24) nudging her head down. men Eyeball-to-penis, hoping that Penis. all women hate this. it's about Dragged to a cave by their hair. if Yours; try talking seductively 25) not warning her before you Mixedwith egg She's performing oral sex, warn her Can do what's necessary. Don't thrust. she'll do all the moving Just lie there. and don't grab her 27) taking ettiquette adive from porn Seem to love it Real life, it just means more laundry 28) making her ride on top for ages. There grunting Not. caress her gently, so that she Like the captain of a schooner. and 29) attempting anal sex and How men earn a Follow directions. if you want to put Think that being drunk is an excuse. Says, "can i take a photo of you?" "__to show my buddies." at least let 31) not being imaginative enough. Patterns on her Licking it off. fruit, vegetables, ice Props; hot candle wax and 32) slapping your stomach againt As sexy as a 33) aranging her in stupid poses. if Bed, fine, but unless Too ambitious. ask yourself if you Snapped hamstrings. This carefully: anal stimulation feels Because they have a prostate. 35) giving love bites. it is highly On the sides of the neck, if To have to wear turtlenecks and End. Encouragement like a coach with a A big turn-on. Like a lonely magazine editor calling a Likes nasty talk, she'll let you know You have to finish the job. keep on It right, and she might even do the 39) squashing her. men generally On her a bit too heavily, 40) not thanking her. don't forget You're lucky to have that Thank her with both words and Steven thode Would never say Hear a southerner �ve had to South they�ve The skunks are 39. �i�ll take shakespeare for 1000, 38. duct tape won�t fix that. Michael. Heineken. House. Trimmer? 32. i thought graceland was tacky. Up, it�s not safe. 29. honey, did you mail that 28. we�re vegetarians. 26. i�ll have grapefruit instead of 25. honey, do these bonsai trees 24. who�s richard petty? Rinds. Decor. 20. i just couldn�t find a thing at wal- 19. trim the fat off that steak. Espresso. Big. Salad. 14. unsweetened tea tastes better. Or broiled? Registered at tiffany�s. Super bowl. Too many fat grams. 8. she�s too old to be wearing a 7. does the salad bar have bean 6. hey, here�s an episode of �hee 5. i don�t have a favorite college 4. be sure to bring my salad dressing 3. i believe you cooked those green 2. those shorts ought to be a little And the #1 thing you would never 1. elvis who? Subject: third grade questions A first-grade teacher was having With one of her students. The teacher asked, "harry what is Problem?" harry answered, "i'm Sister is in Smarter than she is! i think i should Third-grade too!" Took harry While harry waited in the outer Teacher explained to the Principal Give the boy a test and if he failed to Any of his questions he was Behave. the Harry was brought in and the Were explained to him and Principal: "what is 3 x 3?" Principal: "what is 6 x 6?" And so it went with every question Principal thought a third-grade The teacher Harry can go to the third-grade." Me The principal and harry both agree. Have Harry, after a moment, "legs." You The principal wondered, why does Such a question! Teacher: "what does a dog do that a Steps into?" Teacher: what's starts with a c and With a t, is hairy, oval, Liquid? The principal's eyes open really wide Before he could stop the Teacher: what goes in hard and pink Comes out soft and sticky? Teacher: what does a man do Woman do sitting down and a The principal's eyes open really wide Before he could stop the answer. Teacher: now i will ask some "who am Sort of questions, okay? Teacher: you stick your poles inside You tie me down to get me up. Harry: tent Fiddle The best man always has me first. Tense. Teacher: i come in many sizes. when Well, i drip. when you blow me, you Harry: nose Penetrates. i come with a quiver. Teacher: what word starts with an 'f' Ends in 'k' that means a lot of Harry: firetruck And Harry in the fifth-grade, i missed the Questions myself." Subject: 40 year-old daughter with A 60 year old woman came home one Daughter's bedroom. she opened Old "what are you doing? asked the "mom i am 40 years old and look at Married The mother walked out of the room, The next day the father came home Bedroom His daughter using a vibrator. "what Hell are you doing?", he asked. Mom. i am 40 years old and ugly. i Close as i'll ever get to a husband." Shaking his head too. To find her husband with a beer in on & the vibrator in the other hand, "for christ's sake, what are you The husband replied. "why are you Doing?" shouted the dad. "i'm having My new Steven thode Know without the movies ****************** Know without the movies... ****************** Will be Once. Begin with the 3) if being chased through town, you Take cover in a passing st. patrick�s At any time of the year. Cover sheets A woman but Beside her. At least one 6) it�s easy for anyone to land a There is someone in the control Down. Off - even 8) the ventilation system of any Perfect hiding place. no-one will ever Looking for you in there and you can Other part of the building you want Difficulty. You will always Haven�t been 10) you�re very likely to survive any War unless you make the mistake of A picture of your sweetheart back 11) should you wish to pass yourself German officer, it will not be The language. a german accent will 12) if your town is threatened by an Natural disaster or killer beast, the Concern will be the tourist trade or Forthcoming art exhibition. From any window in 14) a man will show no pain while Ferocious beating but will wince when To clean his wounds. Someone 16) the chief of Look at your Grab one at Always be the 18) interbreeding is genetically Creature from elsewhere in the 19) kitchens don�t have light Entering a kitchen at night, you Fridge door and use that light 20) if staying in a haunted house, Investigate any strange noises in Revealing underwear. Cursor on Password now. Bacon and waffles Though their Time to eat it. Burst into 24) the chief of police will always Star detective - or give him 48 hours Job. To light up a 26) medieval peasants had perfect 27) although in the 20th century it is Fire weapons at an object out of our People of the 23rd century will have Technology. Nightmare will sit 29) it is not necessary to say hello or When beginning or ending phone 30) even when driving down a Road it is necessary to turn the Vigorously from left to right every 31) all bombs are fitted with Devices with large red readouts so When they�re going to go off. Directly outside 33) a detective can only solve a case Been suspended from duty. The street, The steps. Powerful enough to Of any invading 36) it does not matter if you are Outnumbered in a fight involving Your enemies will wait patiently to By one by dancing around in a Until you have knocked out their 37) when a person is knocked To the head, they will never suffer a Brain damage. Hijacking, Invasion will 39) police departments give their Personality tests to make sure they Deliberately assigned a partner who Opposite. Foreigners prefer to 41) you can always find a chainsaw One. Credit card or a 43) an electric fence, powerful Dinosaur will cause no lasting Year old child. Contain a That precise 45) the average hotel pool is deep To survive a fall from any floor. Have a �jade� or �lotus 47) traveling between any two City will always take you past the Liberty, lincoln center, washington And the new york public library. In the human race Compensate for 49) most dogs are immortal. A young couple got married and left Back, Mother. her mother asked, "how was Honeymoon?" Honeymoon was wonderful! so Suddenly she burst out crying. "but, Started using the most horrible Before! i You've got to come get me and take Home.... please mama!" "calm down! tell me, what could be Awful? what 4-letter words?" Mama," wept the daughter, "i'm so Come get me, please!" What has you so upset.... Letter words!" Mama...words like dust, wash, iron, Steven thode 5 stages of drunkenness Suddenly become an expert Universe. you know you know Knowledge to anyone who Always right. and of Is very wrong. this When both parties are Stage 2 - good looking this is when Are the best looking person in the People fancy you. you can go up to Knowing they fancy you and really Bear in mind that you are still smart, This person about any subject under Stage 3 - rich this is when you Person in the world. you can buy Because you have an armored truck Behind the bar. you can also make Because of course, you are still Win all your bets. it doesn�t matter You are rich. you will also buy drinks You fancy, because now you are the The world. Ready to pick fights Those with whom you Because nothing can Go up to the partners Challenge to a battle of Losing this battle And hell, you�re better Stage 5 - invisible this is the final At this point you can do anything You. you dance on a table to impress Fancy because the rest of the people You. you are also invisible to the Fight you. you can walk through the Top of your lungs because no one Because you�re still smart you know ( Women ask men Women ask men and the answers... 1. what are you thinking about? 3. do i look fat? Me? What makes these questions so Guaranteed to explode into a major Incorrectly (i.e., Public service, each question is Responses. About? Is: �i�m sorry if i�ve been pensive, Warm, wonderful, thoughtful, And how lucky i am to have met No resemblance to the true answer, Following: B. football. D. how much prettier she is than E. how i would spend the (perhaps the best response to this Who once told peg, �if i wanted you Would be talking to you!�) The proper response is: �yes!� or, if Order, �yes, dear.� inappropriate A. i suppose so. I said yes? Mean by love. E. who, me? The correct answer is an emphatic: Answers are: B. i wouldn�t call you fat, but C. a little extra weight looks good D. i�ve seen fatter. I was just thinking about how i would Died. Prettier than me? An emphatic: �of course not!� A. yes, but you have a better B. not prettier, but definitely thinner Were her age E. could you repeat the question? i Spend the insurance money if you Question# 5: what would you do if i A definite no-win question. (the real Corvette.�) Prepared for at least an hour of The these lines: Again? W: why not, don�t you like being M: of course i do. M: okay, i�d get married again. Her face) W: would you sleep with her in our M: where else would we sleep? And replace them with pictures of M: that would seem like the proper W: and would you let her use my golf M: of course not, dear. she�s left- Subject: 5 types of sex 1) the first is smurf sex. this Period; you both keep doing it until 2) the second is kitchen sex. this is You'll have sex anywhere, anytime, 3) the third kind is bedroom sex. Have kids, so you gotta do it in the 4) the fourth kind is hallway sex. this Other in the hallway and say, "fuck 5) there is also a fifth kind of sex: Divorced and your wife screws you in To: bill raley; bob buckley; Mondalek; lonnie burns; michael Isenberg; russ decrease Finals 50 ways to disrupt an exam 50 fun things to do in a final that To fail the class completely no matter 1. bring a pillow. fall asleep (or minutes. wake up, say "oh geez, gibberish work. turn it in a few 2. get a copy of the exam, run out secret documents!!" Answer in essay form. if it is long Numbers and symbols. be creative. the integral symbol. Exam. aim them at the instructor's 5. talk the entire way through the your answers with yourself out "i'm sooo sure you can hear me what a jerk the instructor is. 7. walk in, get the exam, sit down. say to the instructor, "i don't every lecture all semester long! are you? where's the regular 8. bring a game boy (or game gear, level. Whatever) find a new, interesting refuse to answer every question. this question on the grounds that beliefs. be creative. 11. run into the exam room looking relief. go to the instructor, say the country" and run off. Stand up, rip up all the papers into The air and yell out "merry Ask for another copy of the Repeat this process every fifteen 13. do the exam with crayons, paint, 14. come into the exam wearing head, and nothing else. Turet's syndrome during the exam. vulgar as possible. Language. if you don't know one, one up! for math/science exams, 17. bring things to throw at the blame it on the person nearest to 18. as soon as the instructor hands 19. walk into the exam with an taping your next video during the let them stay, be persuasive. tell percentage of the profits if they 20. every five minutes, stand up, another seat, continue with the 21. turn in the exam approximately start commenting on how easy it 22. do the entire exam as if it was it is a multiple choice exam, spell babe. etc..). Exam with all questions and answers 24. get the exam. twenty minutes violently, scream out "fuck this!" 25. arrange a protest before the instructor that whether or not after one hour to go drink) (completely drunk means at some during the exam, you should start 27. every now and then, clap twice tell him/her in a very derogatory above my head when i get an idea 28. comment on how sexy the 29. come to the exam wearing a Put "i'm here, the phantom of the 30. go to an exam for a class you The Instructor would recognize you if you Been to every lecture. fight for your 31. upon receiving the exam, look it "you don't really expect me to our lives is on!!!" Nuff said. Begins, hum the theme to jeopardy. the instructor's requests for you to leave one way or another, Bridge 34. start a brawl in the middle of the 35. if the exam is math/science You Imaginary numbers into most Relate ev
