A good, well paying job!� Smelling bob�s fish catch, said, You have?� �what you say, boy?� asked the �i�m a rectum stretcher!� �what does a rectum stretcher Bob explained, �people call me up Stretched, so go over to their house. A Hand, then two. then i slowly pull Farther and farther apart until it�s a The cop, absorbed with these bizarre �what the hell do you do with a six Bob nonchalantly answered, �you The end of a bridge!� A young man walks up and sits down Bartender inquires. Responded the young man. Something?� �well, in that case, let me give you a �no offence, sir. but if 6 shots won�t Subject: 6th grade history Graders" Grade history test) Musical compositions and had a large Practiced on an old spinster that he 1750 to present. bach was the most Was handel. handel was half He was very large. He was deaf. he was so deaf he In the forest even when everyone Expired in 1827 and later died for The 19th century was a time of great People stopped reproducing by hand Inventions. Greatest precedent. lincoln's mother Log cabin which he built with his own Delegates from the original 13 states Thomas jefferson, a virgin, and Of the declaration of independence. Rubbing two cats backwards and Itself cannot stand". franklin died in Ancient egypt was inhabited by Hydraulics. the lived in the sarah Such that the inhabitants had to live Socrates was a famous greek People advice. they killed him. Welock. after his death, his career These were actual history-test Subject: 6th grade science Her class, "which body part Stimulated?" Little mary stood up, Not be asking 6th graders a question That. she was going to tell her Who would fire the teacher! The question again. "which Size when stimulated?" The body part that Stimulated, is the pupil of the eye. Then turned to mary and Three things to say: Number two, you didn't read your And number three, one day, you will Disappointed." Steven thode Year old wife It was funny! two stories of a sexual Annual checkup and the doctor "i've never been better!" he Old bride who's pregnant and having That?" The doctor considered this for a Story. i knew a guy who was Season. but one day went out in a Accidentally grabbed his umbrella The woods and suddenly a grizzly Him! he raised up his umbrella, The handle." "and do you know what happened?" "no". The doctor continued, "the bear Man. "someone else must have shot Replied the doctor. Subject: 80-to-1 Convent, sister barbara opened a Inside the letter was a $100 bill her Sent. Barbara smiled at the gesture, and Loving support. Window, she noticed a shabbily Lamp post below. quickly, she wrote, Piece of paper, wrapped the $100 Tossed it out the window to him. Puzzled expression and a tip of his The next day, sister barbara was Insisting on seeing her. she went Waiting. Huge wad of $100 bills. �what�s �that�s the $8,000 you have coming � �don�t despair� paid 80-to-1.� Annual checkup and hunting story Annual checkup. the doctor asks him "i've never been better!" he replies. Bride who's pregnant ith my child! The doctor considers this for a You a story. i know a guy who's an Season. And he accidentally grabs his Instead of his gun. so he's walking in Suddenly Front of him! The beaver and squeezes the Dead in front of him." In disbelief, "someone else must "my point, exactly." Subject: 85 marries 25 25 year old woman. because her Decides that on their wedding night She is concerned that the old fellow Festivities she prepares herself for She is expecting. There is her groom ready for action. Goes well whereupon he takes his To sleep for the night. On the door and there old morris is Somewhat surprised she consents to Successful after which the Night and leaves. This point, and is close to sleep, for Another knock at the door and there And ready for more. Boogie. as they�re laying in afterglow Really impressed that a guy your Three times. i�ve been with guys less Good for one.....you�re great morris Morris looks cunfused, and turns to Steven thode 90�s jargon Coined slang phrase �going postal�. The book �jargon watch�, just Way, for the out of touch: going Stressed out, for losing it. makes Record of postal employees who Snapped and gone on shooting Alpha geek - the most Person in an The alpha geek around here.� Some people seem to absorb success Advancement by kissing up to the Beepilepsy - the brief seizure people Goes off (especially in vibrator Spasms, goofy facial expressions, Mid-sentence. Salsa = software. �well, first we Your chips or your salsa.� Profoundly useless java applet. �i Wasted 30 minutes downloading this Dancing baloney - little animated gifs Useless and serve simply to impress Maybe a little dancing baloney will Depotphobia - fear associated with How Electronics geeks experience Flight risk - used to describe Planning Soon. The world wide web error message Requested document could not be He�s 404, man.� Landscape that are exactly the same So lost in generica, i actually forgot Good job - a �get-out-of-debt� job. Order to pay off their debts, one Are solvent again. Media spectacles that are annoying, You find yourself unable to stop Prime example. Buildup of dirt and crud found on Midair passenger exchange - grim Head-on collision. midair passenger �aluminum rain.� Than-full-featured web browser. Of time in which you realize that Seen in elizabeth p. crowe�s book the Type rm -rf *, and realize you are Thought you were in.) �problem exists between chair and Frustrated, often arrogant lot. Submitted numerous acronyms and Users who call them up with Another Guy has an id-ten-t on his Percussive maintenance - the fine Electronic device to get it to work Prairie dogging - when someone yells �cube farm� (an office full of Up On. Flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps Square-headed girlfriend - another Square-headed girlfriend is a Telephone number salary - a salary Digits. Classes just to get a vacation from Serious students in the class; the Were tourists.� Dubious standing. �this is dale, Uninstalled - euphemism for being Vice president at a downsizing The President. please dial our main And ask the operator for Vulcan nerve pinch - the taxing hand The appropriate keys for certain Boot Pressing the control key, the The power on key. $20 bills spewed out of atms Trying to split the bill after a meal: All owe $8 each, but all anybody�s Subject: 90's office terms The late 90s office Assmosis - the process by which Success and advancement by kissing Blamestorming - sitting around in a Deadline was missed or a project Seagull manager - a manager who Noise, craps over everything and Salmon day - the experience of Upstream only to get screwed and Chainsaw consultant - an outside The employee head count, leaving Clm - career limiting move - used Describe ill-advised activity. trashing Is within earshot is a serious clm. Organizational layers beginning Decisions that fall from the Are often profoundly inappropriate Were designed to solve. Oppressed by your boss. Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic Again. the old man revised the Flight risk - used to describe Planning to leave the company or 404 - someone who�s clueless. from Message �404 not found,� meaning Could not be located. ... he�s 404, man.� Landscape that are One is, such as fast food As in: Forgot what city we were in.� Fraction of time in which you Mistake. Art of whacking the crap To work again. Dubious standing or a �this is dyan, my ... um Body nazis: hard-core exercise and Look down on anyone who doesn�t Cube farm: an office filled with Idea hamsters: people who always Generators running. Generation�s answer to the Prairie dogging: when someone yells In a cube farm, and people�s heads What�s going on. When they have children and Home with the kids. stands for Oppressive mortgage. Marriage that ends in And no regrets. To thrive on being stressed Swiped out: an atm or credit card Useless because the magnetic strip is Use. Classes just to get a Example: �we had three serious Rest were just tourists.� Documentation or other printed Xerox subsidy: euphemism for One�s workplace. Totally stressed out, for Unfortunate track record of postal Gone on shooting rampages. Knowledgeable, technically proficient Chips and salsa - chips = hardware, �well, first we gotta figure out if the Or your salsa.� Job. a well-paying job Debts, one that they will Again. Media spectacles that are Unable to stop watching them. the Deinstalled - euphemism for being Voicemail of a vice president at a Have reached the number of a Dial our main number and ask the Also, �decruitment.�) $20 bills spewed out of Trying to split the bill after a Anybody�s got are yuppie food Subject: 92 year-old-man physical Doctor to get a physical. a few days Walking down the street with a Young lady on his arm. Talked to the man and said, �you�re Man replied, �just doing what you Be cheerful�.� Said you got a heart murmur. be Down the road when she sees the A log. >"my what big eyes you have, mr. >the surprised wolf jumps up and > Riding hood sees the wolf again, Tree stump. >"my what big ears you have mr. >again the foiled wolf jumps up and > Red riding hood sees the wolf >this time crouched down behind a > Wolf," taunts little red riding > And screams..."will you fuck > > michael s. bielinski >---------------------- > --------- end forwarded message Subject: a 'bama boy looks at y2k Months of work on time and on Everk line of code in everk program Skstem. we have analkzed all Backups and historic archives, and Change. Completed the �y-to-k� date change All changes to all programs and Standards: June, julk, august, september, As well as: Wednesdak, thursdak,fridak, I trust that this is satisfactork, To k problem has made ank sense to Problem, and our team is glad to help The kear 2000 have to do with it? Think we ought to do next kear when To 00? we�ll await kour direction.� A young man in the old west wanted Practiced every day, but knew he Would One night, as he was sitting in a Had the reputation of being the The And told him his dream. And said, "i have a suggestion that "tell me, tell me," said the young "tie the bottom of your holster lower "will that make me a better "definitely," said the old man. Told, then in a flash he drew his gun Player. Have any more suggestions?" Of your holster where the hammer Smoother." Gunfighter?" The young guy did what he was told, The cufflink off the piano player. Anything else you can share with "one more thing," said the old man, There in the corner and rub it all over The young man didn't hesitate but The barrel of the gun. Everything," said the old man. Gunfighter?" Wyatt earp gets done playing that Up your ****, and it won't hurt as Subject: a captain's courage Once upon a time, there was an Captain bravado Enemies. one day, while sailing the Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate Became frantic. My red shirt!" the first mate quickly The captain's red shirt, and while The captain The mighty pirates. On deck recounting the triumph of One of them asked the captain, "sir, Before The captain replied, "if i were to be Would Would continue to fight, unafraid." The courage of such a manly man's Dawn came the next morning, the But ten Stared in worshipful silence at the And waited for his usual orders. Eyes upon Ship, and without fear, turned and Shouted, "get me my brown pants." Subject: a celebrity as president Celebrity 16> under president fleiss�s Voters can screw any member of 15> under president pee wee, New meaning. Arafat switch places at the middle Notices. Union address given by a Difference!) Agricultural support policies Sales of pink floyd albums and 11> for some reason, ken starr Locklear is sleeping with half the 10> mariah carey�s stealth voice Contractors out of work. Children in nike�s asian shoe Welfare recipients.� Three foreign relations nightmares Northern ireland and the former 7> in addition to his regular duties, Doubles as the first lady. Popping causes the secret service With their bodies. President robert downey, jr. 4> president travolta merges The irs to create the most evil Ever known. Acceptance speech is taken Acceptance speeches, people 2> only minor changes under Whole Ambassador�s wife speaks. And top5�s number 1 result of having Remember an �anti-� in A chicken . a horse ... and a harley On the farm lived a chicken and a Whom loved to play together. one Were playing, when the horse fell Scared for his life, the horse The Back to the farm. And searched for Had gone to town with the only Running around, the chicken spied Harley. finding the keys in the Sped off with a length of rope, Friend's life. Surprised, but The shiny harley, and he managed to Chicken End to the rear bumper of the Slowly forward and, with the aid of Powerful bike, rescued the horse! The harley back to the farmhouse The farmer was none the wiser when The friendship between the two Buddies, best A few weeks later, the chicken fell Began to sink and cried out to the His life! the horse thought a moment, Large puddle. looking underneath, he Hangy-down Of the pit. the chicken got a good Out, saving his life. A moral!) Don't need a harley to pick up ) Wednesday >>today we will experiment with a The Will pair off with the person sitting to You will then write the first Partner will read the first paragraph >>then add another paragraph to Add Back and forth. remember to reread >>been written each time in order Story is Has been reached. >> ------------------------ >> Which kind of tea she wanted. the Favorite for lazy evenings at home, >>reminded her too much of carl, He Must now, at all costs, keep her mind Suffocating, and if she thought >>him too much her asthma started Out of >> Carl harris, leader of the attack >>now in orbit over skylon 4, had Than Asthmatic bimbo named laurie with >>had spent one sweaty night over Geostation Communicator. "polar orbit Resistance so far..." but before he >>off a bluish particle beam flashed >>through his ship's cargo bay. the >>flying out of his seat and across >> Almost immediately, but not before >>one last pang of regret for Woman who had Afterwards, earth stopped its >>hostilities towards the peaceful Passes And space travel." laurie read in her News simultaneously excited her and >>her. she stared out the window, Days Carefree, with no newspapers to >>television to distract her from her >>beautiful things around her. To Wistfully. >>little did she know, but she has Thousands Anu'udrian mothership launched the >>its lithium fusion missiles. the Pushed Disarmament treaty through >>earth a defenseless target for >>determined to destroy the human Passage Were on course for earth, carrying The entire planet. with no one to >>them they swiftly initiated their >>missile entered the atmosphere Top- Headquarters on the ocean floor off >guam, Explosion which vaporized laurie and President slammed his fist on the This! i'm going to veto that treaty! >> Continue this mockery of literature. >>writing partner is a violent, Adolescent. >>yeah? well, you're a self- Attempts at Of valium. >>you total shit. >>stupid bitch. For all real man Married, were married, or are Assumption that men need (or Two-year degree Offered at the university that many Becoming a real man. Semesters, you, too, can be a real (male arts). please take a moment to First year Men 101: combating stupidity Housework Your mouth shut Under things for christmas Men 110: wonderful laundry Men 111: understanding the female Men 112: parenting: it doesn't end Eat 100: get a life, learn to cook Econ 001a: what's hers is hers Men 120: how not to act like a butt Men 121: understanding your Men 122: you, the weaker sex Econ 001c: what was yours is hers Autumn schedule: It Awake, take a shower Sex Down Winter schedule: Overcoming your dependency Than your children Designated driver Tom cruise Anniversaries are important Men 220: omitting %&*! from your Men 221: fluffing the blanket after Men 222: real men ask for directions Not considered foreplay Anniversaries are important 2 Eat 101: cooking with tofu Eat 103: burping and belching Men 231: mothers-in-law Men 233: just say "yes, dear" Just a thought for all the women out ? mental illness ? mental breakdown ? guynocologist (poetic spelling) Problems start with men? About... >> San francisco chronicle: >>a motorist was unknowingly That And photographed his car. he later >>ticket for $40, and a photo of his The Of $40. several days later, he A That contained another picture -- of >> ________ >>a man goes to a party and has With him t Says no - he only lives a mile away. >>blocks from the party the police Him >>out of the car and walk the line. Blares Place in a house just a block away. >>police tell the party animal to stay They Robbery. the guy waits and waits Finally Gets there, he tells his wife he is Who might come looking for him that Flu and >>has been in bed all day. Knock on the door. they ask if mr. x They ask to see him and she replies In bed >>with the flu and has been Driver's And the wife asks why. they insist Them to the garage and opens the Where they Flashing, parked in the party Garage. >> >>this is a true story, Meeting, Account. >> >> >michael & kathy abernathy > > ---------- ---------- ---------- From: steven thode To: 'alert newland'; 'bill raley'; Shorkey'; 'bob west'; 'brett Louzonis'; 'chris muffett'; 'dan Shepherd'; 'gus mondalek'; 'john 'lennie 'michael muscedere'; 'mike leek'; 'mike 'natasha jones'; 'rick scutt'; 'ron Whitman' Change is inevitable ..... except from Don't sweat petty things ..... or pet Borrow money from pessimists ..... When the chips are down, the Atheism is a non-prophet Honk if you love peace and quiet. Subject: a cowboy's guide to life Don�t squat with your spurs on. Ain�t botherin� you none. Outcome of a rain dance. It�s still warm. the colder it gets, the If you find yourself in a hole, the first If it don�t seem like it�s worth the It don�t take a genius to spot a goat The biggest troublemaker you�ll Watches you shave his face in the Never ask a barber if you need a If you get to thinkin� you�re a person Somebody else�s dog around. You can chew; your mouth is Think. Herd. When your mouth�s a-jawin�. Do it are two entirely different If you�re ridin� ahead of the herd, To make sure it�s still there with ya. Experience, and a lotta that comes When you give a personal lesson in Don�t be surprised if they learn their When you�re throwin� your weight Around by somebody else. Whole lot easier than puttin� it back. You�re about to eat. it�s not so Sure crucial to know what it was. Money is to fold it over and put it Never miss a good chance to shut Subject: a death in the family - "a death in the family" Crying her eyes out. her boss Well being asked sympathetically, To which the blonde replies... "early Saying that my mother had passed The boss feeling very sorry at this
