Suffocating, and if she thought about Acting up again. so camomile was >>the question. >>meanwhile, advance sergeant carl >>now in orbit over skylon 4, had Than Asthmatic bimbo named laurie with >>had spent one sweaty night over a >>17," he said into his transgalactic >>established. no sign of resistance >>off a bluish particle beam flashed >>through his ship's cargo bay. the >>flying out of his seat and across the >> Almost immediately, but not before he >>one last pang of regret for Who had Afterwards, earth stopped its pointless Farmers of skylon 4. "congress passes And space travel." laurie read in her Simultaneously excited her and bored Dreaming of her youth -- when the >>had passed unhurriedly and No Sense of innocent wonder at all the Must one lose one's innocence to Wistfully. >>little did she know, but she has less >>of miles above the city, the First of Witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed Disarmament treaty through congress >>earth a defenseless target for the >>determined to destroy the human Passage Were on course for earth, carrying Entire planet. with no one to stop Diabolical plan. the lithium fusion Unimpeded. the president, in his top- Headquarters on the ocean floor off >guam, Explosion which vaporized laurie and President slammed his fist on the This! i'm going to veto that treaty! >> This mockery of literature. my Chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. >>yeah? well, you're a self-centered >>writing are the literary equivalent of >> >> Subject: a compulsory 2 year degree -----for those of you who are married, Marriage under the assumption that Marriage.. A new two-year degree is being You should be interested in: becoming That's right, in just six mini-semesters, Earn a ma degree (male arts). please Program outline. Autumn schedule: Men 102: you, too, can do Men 103: pms-learn when to keep Men 104: we do not want sleazy Winter schedule: Techniques Response to getting in at 4am With conception Eat 101: get a life, learn to cook ii Spring schedule: Face when you're wrong Incompetence Men 123: reasons to give flowers Second year Sex 101: you can fall asleep without it Awake, take a shower Men 201: how to put the toilet seat (elective) (see electives below) Men 210: the remote control: Men 211: how to not act younger Men 212: you, too, can be a Men 213: honest, you don't look like Men 230a: her birthdays and Spring schedule: Vocabulary (pass/fail only) Farting is not necessary Men 223: thirty minutes of begging is Men 230b: her birthdays and Course electives: Eat 102: utilization of eating utensils Discreetly Men 232: appear to be listening Econ 001c: cheaper to keep her There. ? menstrual cramps ? menopause Ever notice how all of women's a heartfelt note >> funny but true >>>from herb caen's column in the >> In an automated speed trap that And photographed his car. he later >>ticket for $40, and a photo of his The $40. several days later, he received >>letter from the police department >>handcuffs. >> _____________________________ >> Much to drink. his friends plead >>o let them take him home. he says About five Him over for weaving and ask him >>out of the car and walk the line. Blares Place in a house just a block away. >>police tell the party animal to stay They The guy waits and waits and >>decides to drive home. when he Going to >>bed, and to tell anyone He has the >>a few hours later the police Lives there >>and his wife says yes. That he is All day. the police have his License. >>they ask to see his car On seeing his car, >>so she takes Door Find: >>the police car, lights still Animal's By the driver at his first aa According to >>the newspaper >> >> >> >[email protected] > --------- end forwarded message ---------- --------- end forwarded message ---------- From: steven thode To: 'alert newland'; 'bill raley'; Shorkey'; 'bob west'; 'brett Louzonis'; 'chris muffett'; 'dan gilmore'; Shepherd'; 'gus mondalek'; 'john 'lennie 'michael muscedere'; 'mike leek'; 'natasha jones'; 'rick scutt'; 'ron Whitman' Change is inevitable ..... except from Don't sweat petty things ..... or pet Borrow money from pessimists ..... When the chips are down, the buffalo Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Steven thode A cowboy�s guide to life Don�t interfere with something that Timing has a lot to do with the The easiest way to eat crow is while Harder it is to swaller. Thing to do is stop diggin�. Effort, it probably ain�t. In a flock of sheep. Probably ever have to deal with Mirror every morning. Haircut. Of some influence, try orderin� Don�t worry about bitin� off more�n Probably a whole lot bigger�n you Always drink upstream from the Generally, you ain�t learnin� nothing Tellin� a man to git lost and makin� him Propositions. Take a look back every now and then Good judgment comes from From bad judgment. Meanness to a critter or to a person Lesson. Around, be ready to have it thrown Lettin� the cat outta the bag is a Always take a good look at what Important to know what it is, but it�s The quickest way to double your Back into your pocket. Up. Another blonde one... A blonde goes into work one morning Concerned about all his employees "what's the matter?" This morning i got a phone call Away." Poi �yes,� she purrs, �i am.� Hands, i want a cheese sandwich.� Husband found his pretty wife Scales, not bothering to enter the Reached in, patted her on the Today, baby?� Answered. �four quarts of milk and a The little midget woman was Pain in her groin whenever it rained That Weather was inclement, which she Seconds, then told her to get back �how do you feel now?� he inquired. �what did you do?� Inches off the top of your galoshes.� Time to get pregnant. when she Proud as can be. she telephoned Bundle of joy. one afternoon all her Newest member of their family. New mother said, �not yet.� Again. again the blonde mother Finally they say, �when can we see Said, �when the baby cries.� �why do we have to wait until the The new mother guiltily admitted, Little johnny watched, fascinated, as Her face. �why do you do that �to make myself beautiful,� said his The cream with a tissue. Johnny. �giving up?� Ok, so their not so deep, perhaps A few deep thoughts * a bus station is where a bus stops. Where train stops. on my desk, i Never quit, what fool Ahead"? * i was thinking about how people Whole lot more as they get older, Were cramming for their finals. * i thought about how mothers feed Tiny spoons and forks, so i wonder Use...toothpicks? * why do they put pictures of Office? what are we supposed to Don't they just put their pictures on The mailmen could look for them while Mail? * how much deeper would oceans be There? * if it's true that we are here to help Exactly are the Sure that everything The decency to be Lightning would be if it About gruntled employees? and Sound, isn't that why Them speak? * how come "abbreviated" is such a And it's supposed to be Going to be? Subject: the substitute organist Thoughts of how he was going to, The congregation to come up with Expecting for repairs to the church To find that the regular organist was Been brought in at the last minute. To play. �here�s a copy of �but you�ll have to think of something Announcement about the finances.� Paused and said, �brothers and Roof repairs cost twice as much as More. any of you who can Up.� Organist played �the star-spangled Substitute became the regular Subject: flying Puddle jumper was flying some Were Michael jordan, bill gates, the dali Suddenly, an illegal oxygen Luggage compartment, and the Smoke. the cockpit door opened, and Compartment. News and bad news. the bad news is In new jersey. the good news is that Have one of them!� with that, Jumped from the plane. Flash. �gentlemen,� he said, �i am the The world needs great athletes. i Should have a parachute!� with Remaining parachutes, and hurtled Night. I am the world�s smartest man. the I think the world�s smartest man Grabbed one, and out he The dali lama and the hippie looked at Spoke. �my son,� he And have known the bliss of true Life ahead of you; you take a The plane.� �hey, don�t worry, pop. the world�s Out wearing my backpack.� Tommy goes into a confessional box Sinned. i have been with The priest says, �is that you, tommy? The priest says �who was the woman Tommy says �i cannot tell you, Her reputation.� O�malley?� The priest asks, �was it fiona Tommy replies �no.� Tommy replies �no.� Elizabeth o�shea?� The priest asks, �was it amy Tommy replies �no, father.� Morgan?� Tell you.� Admire your perseverance, but you Penance will be four �our fathers� and Your seat.� Buddy sean slides over and �well, i got four our fathers, five hail Secrets of a happy marriage.... Making a marriage last. two times a Restaurant, a little wine, good Fridays. To go for our anniversary?� she said, Been!� i told her, �how about the We always hold hands. if i let go, she She has an electric blender, electric Then she said �there are too many So i bought her an electric chair. Yelling, �am i too late for the Truck A husband said to his wife, �your Years now. isn�t it time that she Mother ?� said the shocked wife, �i Mother.� Them were bright, smart and Dull, ugly and backward. one day �tell me the truth dear, is Dear,� replied the wife, � but the One day a father called his 6 children Who has been most Everything mother asked ?� in one Daddy.� His paper one morning, peacefully Wife sneaks up behind him and wacks Huge frying pan. he Replies, �what was that piece of The name mary lou written on it?� he Weeks ago when i went to Name of one of the horses i bet on.� Work around the house. three days In his chair reading and she repeats �what�s that for this time?� Called.� A man was driving down the street Fireman�s hat on sitting in a little Lab. Cutest thing i�ve ever seen. i�ve got Boy. he got out, looked and said You�ve got there but, don�t you You had that rope tied around his The little boy looked at him and said, Then i wouldn�t have a Times sure have changed ! From a science fiction show. To clean, and ram was the cousin of Meg was the name of my girlfriend, Money. Meanings, An application was for employment. A cursor used profanity. Memory was something you lost with A cd was a bank account. You hoped nobody found out. To the garbage, not something you And if you unzipped anything in You�d be in jail for a while. Hard drive was a long trip on the A mouse pad was where a mouse And a backup happened to your Cut you did with a pocket knife. A web was a spider�s home, You might be a yankee if... Doesn�t bother you. �deliverance� and you�re afraid to go For breakfast, you�d rather have You can name at least 4 hockey You don�t know what a moon pie is. You wonder why people in Do. Summer vacation around a gun & You don�t have any problems Correctly. You are familiar with all the rules to You have no idea what a polecat is. Joke about farm animals, it goes over You don�t see anything wrong with You�ve never had bangs. Vineyard than six flags. Wd-40 somewhere around the You would rather have your son Get his own tv fishing show. �you guys� instead of �y�all�. Important scientific research at your Salary of the head football coach. You don�t know anyone with two first Bob, bob bob) In public talk to you. With real fur. Is. North american society for... You eat fried chicken with a knife Your idea of a perfect meal is You use the horn in your car more Everything you know about the civil You don�t �reckon�. You�re not �fixin� to do anything. The smiths had no children and Start their family. on the day the Kissed his wife and said, �i�m off. the Soon.� Door-to-door baby photographer Make a sale. �good morning madam. To....� Expecting you,� mrs. smith cut in. �well, good! i�ve made a specialty of �that�s what my husband and i had Seat. just where do we �leave everything to me. i usually try Couch and perhaps a couple on Floor is fun too; you can really �bathtub, living room floor? no Me.� Guarantee a good one every time. Positions and i shoot from six or Pleased with the results.� Quickly,� gasped mrs. smith. Must take his time. i�d love to be in You�d be disappointed with that, i�m �don�t i know!!,� mrs. smith The photographer opened his Of his baby pictures. �this was Downtown london.� Tugging at her handkerchief. Exceptionally well when you consider Work with.� the photographer �she was difficult ?� asked mrs. �yes, i�m afraid so. i finally had to Done right. people were Pushing to get a good look.� Smith, eyes widened in amazement. For more than three hours too. the Squealing and yelling. i could hardly Approached and i began to rush Began nibbling on my equipment, i Mrs. smith leaned forward. �you Eh......equipment ?�. Ready, i�ll set up my tripod so that we �tripod??,� mrs. smith looked �oh yes, i have to use a tripod to For me to hold while i�m Madam?..... good lord, she�s Thode family Gassy elephant blows her trainer Sassy, the 2-ton elephant, queen of Suffered a bout with gas that nearly Several holes in the striped tent Prancing. now dubbed sassy the Beast Red-hot tex-mex chili cooking outside Sassy developed a taste for chili as a Lived with a herd of cows near el Cook-outs, and let sassy lick the chili �the hotter the better,� recalls Poke her little fuzzy trunk in there Whistle. Cows would stick to one end of the Herself at the other. �i always Someone was burning garbage, but i Off her bean supply. it was making Antonio, who got the baby elephant His, sold sassy to the circus and Queen of the center ring. �i Sassy that she loved chili, but it To keep the Stoves away, because she would Start hooting and hollering to get it. Fritz says, shaking his head. �we had Her penned there a whole day.� Never forget, and with chili pots Before sassy slipped her trunk Started gobbling. �i knew i had to Says fritz from his hospital bed. �but i Fast enough. as iled her away, the Known better than to stand too Right Parked outside.� Including one arm, one leg, his Subsequent blasts ripped through Top before sassy was banished to a Concludes the forgiving trainer. Can�t help herself.� A golfer is in a competitive match Couple of strokes. "boy, i'd give Mumbles to himself. Him and whispers, "would you be Sex life?" Answer will be meaningless, the Good omen so he says, "sure," and Two holes later, he mumbles to To get an eagle on this one." the And whispers, would it be worth Life?" shrugging, the golfer replies, On the final hole, the golfer needs Waiting for him to say anything, the And says, would winning this match Sex life?" definitely," the golfer As the golfer is walking to the club Him and says, "i haven't really been Know who i am. i'm the devil, and No sex life." Replies, "i'm father o'malley." Chicken guts Mixed around in many ways, but still >having just gotten married, john Life Wasn't long after the honeymoon >marsha began to notice a particular >fond of. every morning, right after >fart so loud and violently that he >the bed. >marsha, being the patient wife she Even Disgusted with the whole situation. >several weeks of this "morning >time to say something about it. >you'll fart your guts out if you keep > Each morning with a real barn >"john, please stop it", marsha said. >fart your guts out if you keep it > Marsha decided it was time to take Went down to the corner meat >day and asked the butcher for Home and > Arose for work, marsha crept into >kitchen and warmed the chicken Then In hand, and slipped them down into >back of john's underwear! >"this will fix him", she thought to >make breakfast. at about the usual >off and just like ol' faithful himself, >she imagined john's reaction to her >noticed that it was taking john a lot >stairs. >when he finally did make his Was walking Matter, honey?" she asked. >john said. "remember how you Mornings i "yes", marsha said with a grin. >"well this morning it really > "but you don't have to worry about > Grace of god and these two fingers i > Steven thode Catholic school Math. his parents tried But to no avail. Friend, they decided to School. Were surprised when he Focused and very determined He went straight past them, right to Closed the door. for nearly two - with math books strewn about his Floor. he emerged long enough to His plate, went straight back to his Worked feverishly at his studies until This pattern of behavior continued First quarter�s report card. the boy - laid it on the dinner table and went Cautiously, his mother opened it and, Large red �a� under the subject of Overjoyed, she and her husband Thrilled at his remarkable progress. Father asked. �no.� Peer-mentoring?� �the textbooks? the teachers? the �no�, said the son. The front door and saw Knew they meant business!� Subject: a letter home > Since i left for college. > i have been remiss in writing and i > my thoughtlessness. i will bring > but before you read on, please sit > to read any further unless you are > well, i am getting along pretty well > fracture and the concussion i got > of the window of my dormitory > shortly after my arrival are pretty > i only spent two weeks in the > see almost normally and i only get > once a week. > fortunately, the fire in the > witnessed by an attendant at the > dorm and he was the one who > and the ambulance. he also visited > and since i had nowhere to live > out dorm, he was kind enough to > apartment with him. it's really a > it's kind of cute. he is a very fine > fallen deeply in love and are > we haven't exactly set the date > before my pregnancy begins to > I know how you are Grandparents and i know you The same love and Gave me as a child. the Marriage is that my boyfriend Prevents us from passing Carelessly caught it With the penicillin > The family with open Well educated, has Different race and religion Tolerance will not permit That his skin color is Sure you will love him Good, too, for i hear Gun-bearer in the village > Date, i want to tell Fire. i do not have a Was not in the hospital, Engaged, i do not have syphilis Life. however, i am Science class and Their proper perspective. > your loving daughter, > mary > --------- end forwarded message > How appropriate after last night�s It has been reported that monica Establishment again. it went She: i have another dress for you to He: (who is old, and somewhat hard She: no. mustard this time. > a compendium of maxims > > Elements in the universe are > stupidity. > >2. if at first you don't succeed, > > But it sure makes misery easier to > with. > >4. it has recently been Cancer in rats. > >5. always remember to pillage > > Something right the first time is that > >appreciates how difficult it was. > >7. it may be that your sole > warning > > Then it follows that naked people > little > > Their vitality by moving to where you > >find them. > >10. the law of probability That > >the fan will not be evenly > > Flexibility. > >12. there is absolutely no Preparation. > >13. nostalgia isn't what it used to > > Interesting, are usually irrelevant. > >15. the careful application of Communication. > >16. things are more like they are Before. > >17. everything should be made > > But enemies accumulate. > >19. all things being equal, fat > > Go wrong then you have someone in > to > > On monday. > >22. by the time you can make > > But don't bet on it. > >24. never wrestle with a pig. you Enjoys > > You are halfway through it before > >realize it's a "do it yourself" > > A lovely finish. > >27. we can sympathize with a The People are afraid of the light. > >28. if only the good die young Senior > > >29. employ teenagers - while > > Friends. > >31. down with gravity! > >32. nobody's perfect and since > > Foods die from natural causes. > >34. why is there only one > > In, but with my luck, i'll be at the > > >36. age is a case of mind over > really > > To be a nuisance. > >38. when the cat's away there > > Than an ordinary person away from > > Vague. > ---------- Red shirt) Seafarer named captain bravo. he No fear in facing his enemies. Seas, a look-out spotted a pirate Frantic. captain bravo bellowed, The first mate quickly retrieved the Donning the shirt, the captain led Pirates. One, but two pirate ships. the Again howled for his red shirt and That evening, all the men sat around Triumphs, and one of them Call for your red shirt before each Replied:"if i am wounded in the Bleeding and will continue to fight, Silence and marveled at the courage As dawn came the next morning, the But ten pirate ships Stared at the captain and waited for Captain bravo calmly shouted: "bring Subject: a lot changes in 30 years What a difference 30 years can > > > > 1970 long hair > > > > 2000 the perfect high yield > > > > 2000 ekg > > 1970 acid rock > > Because it's cool Because it's warm > > 1970 growing pot > > Historic flight with your > > 2000 watching john glenn's > > children > > 1970 trying to look like marlon > > taylor Marlon brando or > > > > 2000 roughage > > 1970 our president's struggle > > 2000 our president's struggle > > > > 2000 aarp > > 1970 killer weed > > > > 2000 dr. kevorkian > > 1970 getting out to a new, hip > > 2000 getting a new hip joint > > 1970 rolling stones > > Principal's office Office > > 1970 peace sign > > Get your hair cut Get their heads shaved > > 1970 take acid > > > > 2000 passing the vision test > > 1970 "whatever" Steven thode Question a woman ever asks Woman ever asks It�s a testosterone thing. much similar From testosterone poisoning. why do
