War On Terror

In May, President Bush declared the war over, but apparently some people in Iraq didn't get the memo. -Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden held a terrorist convention in Afghanistan over the weekend. There was like 5,000 people there -- 5,000 terrorists at this convention. That's why it was so hard to get a cab in New York City today.-David Letterman

Osama bin Laden's son -- Timmy bin Laden, I believe is his name -- Osama's son is said to be taking over the operation. Let's hope it works out as well as it did for Uday and Qusay.-Jay Leno

Al Jazeera aired new footage of Osama bin Laden today along with audiotapes. You know, the usual stuff. Called Bush evil ... the great Satan ... a warmonger. All the same stuff we heard last night at the Democratic presidential debates. -Jay Leno

How is this for nerve? Last night on the eve of 9/11, in his latest videotape, Osama bin Laden urged Muslims to devour the Americans. "Devour the Americans." Let me be the first to say � Hey, eat me! -Jay Leno

The United States Army says that it's in a race against the clock to capture Saddam Hussein. They're hoping to catch him before he dies of old age. -Jay Leno

According to USA Today, the price tag for rebuilding Iraq is $40 billion to $60 billion. Why are we even rebuilding Iraq? The government hasn't rebuilt South Central LA after the '92 riots. Why don't we do that first? -Jay Leno

He also said this will take time and require sacrifice. Of course rich people won't lose their tax cut or anything, but it will require some sacrifice.-Jay Leno

He's asking Congress for $87 billion more to fight the war. He said it will be split up among Iraq, Afghanistan and Halliburton. -Jay Leno

President Bush gave a speech last night asking for $80 billion to rebuild Iraq. He also said that when they make out the check to remember there are two L's in Halliburton. -Jay Leno

President Bush said that he needs $80 billion to rebuild Iraq's economy, their infrastructure and their electrical grid -- and if it works over there, we'll try it here. -Jay Leno

Good news in Iraq. Regular garbage pickup service is back in operation. Now, when can we get that here? -Jay Leno

Secretary of State Colin Powell says he can�t speed up things in Iraq. Powell says that Iraq is not ready for self-government, and at the moment it can�t be trusted to run a fair democratic election by itself. Apparently, neither can the people of California. -Jay Leno

The FBI today posted the names and faces of four known al-Qaeda terrorists. They say it's crucial we catch these four guys before they make it to California for their free driver's license. -Jay Leno

Politics

A bill allowing illegal immigrants to receive driver's licenses was passed by the California State Assembly. If you come from anywhere in the world, you can get your license. I believe the name of the bill is "Proposition We Give Up; We Don't Care." -Jay Leno

A bill allowing illegal immigrants from anywhere in the world to receive driver's licenses was passed by the California State Assembly. And if you snuck in the country from the Middle East they'll not only give you a driver's license, they'll throw in a pilot's license too.-Jay Leno

Yesterday President Bush met with the prime minister of the Netherlands. One embarrassing moment: when the check for lunch came and Bush said, "Now you're Dutch, so we split it, right?" -Jay Leno

In what political experts are calling a landmark moment in the campaign, John Kerry broke down and cried at a campaign event last night. So apparently he had gotten the latest poll numbers.-Jay Leno

Anybody watch the presidential candidates' debate the other night? I'm not saying this thing was boring, but I told my TiVo to tape it. It asked me "Why?" -Jay Leno

President Bush�s numbers seem to be slipping a bit. Right now he�s ahead of any unnamed Democrat by 4 points. Which is pretty accurate because not very many people can name any of the Democrats. -Jay Leno

North Carolina Senator John Edwards said he will announce for president on September 16. That�s what I love about this election year - if no one listens the first three times you announce, just announce again. -Jay Leno

How's this for nerve? The House voted to approve Congress a pay raise. Where's this money coming from? Take it out of our massive surplus.-Jay Leno

Today President Bush took a break from his 30-day vacation. He is touring three states doing some fund raising for his campaign. To make sure he wins, all the money Bush raises is being given to Al Sharpton.-Craig Kilborn

China said today that relations between China and the U.S. have been damaged, by President Bush and Congress meeting with the Dalai Lama this week. In fact, China is so mad they're talking about recalling all their spies. They're going to start stealing secrets from other countries.-Jay Leno

The California Recall

Did you hear about this? 26 years ago -- so that makes it relavent, Arnold Schwartzenegger did and interview with "OUI" and talked about sex and other stuff. Some people are upset over it. But since Arnold has married Maria Shriver and now has a sex scandal -- the Kennedy's have now accepted him.-Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger is being questioned about reports that in the 1970s he participated in group sex. Arnold is saying that this is actually a good thing because it proves he can finish first in a large group of people. -Conan O'Brien

Gray Davis was making fun of Arnold, saying that if you're going to run for governor of California you should be able to pronounce California correctly. Arnold then replied that if you're going to be governor of California you should be able to govern it.-David Letterman

As you know, Arnold got egged the other day. Someone threw an egg, hit him in the shoulder. It wasn't about politics. Someone had just rented "Jingle All the Way" and is still mad.-Jay Leno

Arriana Huffington who is also running for governor wants to debate Arnold. Could you imagine that? It'd be like a bad episode of Boris and Natasha from "Rocky and Bullwinkle".-Jay Leno

Last night they had the first gubernatorial debate. They wanted people to see it so they had it at 4 o'clock. On debates like this there are no winners or losers, there are just losers.-Jay Leno

I love this: The other candidates in the debate at first wanted to put an empty chair up on the stage, representing Arnold, to make Arnold look bad for not showing. Then they realized, "What if the empty chair wins?" -Jay Leno

You know what they're doing in the next gubernatorial debate? In the next one, which is on September 17, the candidates will be given the questions ahead of time so the candidates can look them over and devise the best answers to please the audience. That's not a debate, that's called "Hollywood Squares." -Jay Leno

Gray Davis' campaign staff has come up with a strategy guaranteed to make sure the recall is defeated. They're going to have Gray come out and endorse it. -Jay Leno

Governor Gray Davis announced that he and former President Bill Clinton would be in in South Central Los Angeles. As you know, President Clinton is against the recall. In fact, for eight years when he was president, when they would ask him anything, he�d say, "I can�t recall."-Jay Leno

Things are just crazy out here. Today a federal appeals court postponed the recall election. Things are so crazy out here that even our recalls get recalled. -Jay Leno

Yesterday a federal appeals court postponed the October 7 recall election - or, as Gray Davis calls it, a stay of execution.-Jay Leno

The big story here in California: Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante has taken two and a half million dollars from Indian tribes. All in quarters. -Jay Leno

Cruz "Dances With Casinos" Bustamante has taken two and a half million dollars from Indian tribes and his brother is the new general manager of an Indian casino. I believe his brother's Indian name is "Keno Sabe" Bustamante. -Jay Leno

The Economy

Gas in some places is now $2.20 per gallon. Didn't we win the war? Shouldn't it be a penny a gallon?-Jay Leno

He says that the Bush administration is working to keep American jobs -- yeah his and Dick Cheney's.-David Letterman

The U.S. Mint has announced that all new $20 bills will be peach in color instead of the old green and drab gray. The government is hoping that this change will distract people from the fact that there are fewer of them. -David Letterman

On the East Coast, up to 1000,000 people getting ready to flee Hurricane Isabel. And thanks to President Bush�s economic plan, many places have already gotten a head start boarding up their businesses.-Jay Leno

The Law

A federal judge ordered the removal of the Ten Commandments monument out of an Alabama courthouse. I guess politicians and judges weren't comfortable walking by an object that says you shouldn't steal or commit adultery.-Jay Leno

In New York a 21-year-old inmate in state prison is suing the state for $5 million for an injury that occurred while he was playing basketball. Isn't this backward? Don't you first start in the NBA and then go to jail?-Jay Leno

Today the music industry filed 261 lawsuits against individuals who've illegally downloaded music off the Internet. If you have downloaded songs in this past year, you could end up losing your computer, your life savings, your home. And if you downloaded country music, you could lose your dog, your girl, your truck. -Jay Leno

The music industry filed 261 lawsuits against people who�ve illegally downloaded music off the Internet in the past year. They say these people need to be taught a lesson that computers are not a vehicle to be used to illegally download music ... they are a vehicle to download pornography.-Jay Leno

A record company is suing a 12-year-old girl for downloading over 100 songs by the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync ... hasn�t the girl already suffered enough? -Craig Kilborn

Celebrities

J. Lo and Ben Affleck, you know, are engaged to be married next month. They now are saying that the wedding will be in Santa Barbara. At first it was supposed to be in Hawaii but J. Lo said, "No, Hawaii is for my next marriage."-David Letterman

Are you excited about the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez marriage? They get married this weekend. Everyone is wondering if there's going to be a name change. You know, traditionally you get married and there's a name change. The answer is yes, you're just going to have to get used to calling him Ben Lopez. -David Letterman

Six days until the Ben and J. Lo wedding! The wedding apparently is not going to be taped -- because no one wants to see Ben and J. Lo on the screen together ever again. -Craig Kilborn

Big celebrity news over the weekend, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck�s wedding was called off. Apparently they have broken up. Afterwards J. Lo said that she was upset because she has never broken up before a wedding.-Conan O'Brien

Justin Timberblake is in the news. He will be starring in upcoming commercials for McDonald's. McDonald's wanted to get all the members of 'N Sync to be in the commercials but the rest of them are currently working at Burger King.-Conan O'Brien

Magician David Blaine announced this week that his next stunt will take place in England, where he will go 44 days without food. - pbbtt! Big deal! He's in England! I could go 44 days without eating food in England! -Jay Leno

Lance Armstrong is getting a divorce. That's sad. He's a nice guy. That's gotta be tough. He's got three kids. Divorce! Now he'll really be riding a bike everywhere. -Jay Leno

Sharon Osbourne says she left Ozzie briefly last year because he was abusing alcohol and drugs. She said she left for about two weeks and when he didn�t notice ... she came back ... -Jay Leno

Dr. Phil has written a book on diet tips. I guess it�s for those people that wanna be as slim and trim as Dr. Phil. I think his next book is a book of hair care tips. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

In Florida, the founder of Domino's Pizza opened a university. It's the only school that can guarantee grads a job when they get out.-Jay Leno

Scientists have come up with a way to burn body fat, by using sound waves. The sound waves are voices of doctors saying "Stop eating, fatty!" -Conan O'Brien

What's going on here in California ... I guess you heard, dozens of wildfires have broken out all over San Bernadino in California. They say this could cost millions of dollars to the entire crystal meth industry. -Jay Leno

You know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity. No money. Everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the middle of the streets. So it was just like California today, only back then the women had real breasts. -Jay Leno

In New York, a Starbucks coffee is opening inside a bank. It's a bank and Starbucks. The goal is to create the longest line in history. Starbucks in a bank? How expensive is this coffee? What, do you take a loan out to get a latte?-Jay Leno

The FDA just approved a new contraceptive pill that supposedly reduces a woman's menstrual cycle to four times a year. Between this and the opening of the football season, this was the greatest weekend in guy history! -Jay Leno

The FDA has approved a new contraceptive pill that supposedly reduces a woman�s menstrual cycle to four times a year. The bad news is the four times are during the Super Bowl, the NBA Championship, the World Series and the Stanley Cup Finals. -Jay Leno

Here�s the most unbelievable story of the week. Did you hear about this? A man who worked as a shipping clerk in New York mailed himself in a box to his parents' house in Dallas. Did you see him on the news? He was too cheap to buy a ticket, mailed himself in a box. He then billed his boss for the postage. He got in a crate, it was 42 inches high, 36 inches wide, and 15 inches ... apparently he was going to fly Continental but he wanted a little more leg room.-Jay Leno

Did you hear about the guy that shipped himself to Texas in a crate? I think it�d be very traumatic � but it was a typical flight, the guy in the crate next to him wouldn�t stop talking.-David Letterman

You know what would scare me the most about doing that? You know the post office. Imagine if they delivered him to the wrong house. "Honey, did you order a black guy? Should I sign for him?"-Jay Leno

Did you see that guy who shipped himself in a crate from New York to Dallas? You know the worst part? He had to change crates in Atlanta.-David Letterman

New York City now has an official beverage. The city made a multimillion-dollar deal with Snapple. Snapple is now the official drink of New York City. What happened to plain old gin in a brown paper bag?-David Letterman

The government said a new, revised food pyramid could have a major effect on what people eat. Yeah, right, like anyone checks the food pyramid before deciding what they eat. When was the last time you saw people at McDonald�s: "You want fries with that?" "Uh, let me check the food pyramid first." -Jay Leno

The director of the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion says this new food pyramid should give America "a good start in solving the obesity epidemic." Did you know we had a Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion? They�re doing a good job, aren�t they? -Jay Leno

An Arizona man has been evicted from a cave in a national forest that he�s been living in for the past 11 years. ... He told the judge he didn�t know it was illegal to live in a national forest. And the judge said, "What, are you nuts? Where have you been the last few years, living in a cave?" -Jay Leno

Speaking of color � next month extra color is going to be added to our $20 bills by the treasury Department. Did you hear about this? They say with full-color 20s this will foil counterfeiting. Unless of course, the counterfeiters can get themselves to a Kinko's. Then we�re screwed. -Jay Leno

The U.S. Treasury is going to change the $20 bill to a peach color. Have you seen the new $20 bill? It looks like Andrew Jackson had a queer makeover. -David Letterman

Barbie Dolls have now been banned in Saudi Arabia. It seems Saudi Arabia�s religious police believe that Barbie Dolls threaten the morality of the country. It�s okay to have 18 wives, you just can�t have a Barbie. -Jay Leno

Sports

Cameras have been banned from the Kobe Bryant trial -- and today in Cincinnati a judge has banned cameras from Bengals games. -Jay Leno