War On Terror
Osama bin Laden is now broke. It's reported he�s now out of money. Tough luck � he had to move into a cave in a cheaper neighborhood.-David Letterman
A Nevada brothel is offering free sex to troops returning from the war in Iraq. They�re calling it the "shock and whore� campaign.-Jay Leno
This Sunday of course is Father�s Day. Everybody getting ready for Father�s Day. A little hint for President Bush�s twin daughters: If you haven�t gotten your dad a present yet, I know he�d love it if you could find some weapons of mass destruction.-Jay Leno
U.N. chief weapons inspector Hans Blix said that he might write a book about his search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. That�s gonna be a fascinating read. "Day one, we found nothing. Day two, we found nothing. Day three, nothing here.� -Jay Leno
President Bush is only two blocks away tonight. He says that he loves it here in New York. That�s because it�s easier to find weapons of mass destruction.-David Letterman
The White House is now asking Bill Clinton for help with weapons of mass destruction. Not to help find them, but to help lie about them. -Craig Kilborn
The United States is looking into the possibility that an Iraqi convoy that was destroyed near the Syrian border may have contained Saddam Hussein. If this is true, this is now the 23rd time we may have killed Saddam Hussein since the war started.-Jay Leno
Reports are saying that Saddam is still alive and there is fear he might get back into power. Coincidentally, that�s the same fear the Democrats have about Al Gore.-David Letterman
We don�t know if Saddam Hussein is alive or dead. We don�t know if Osama bin laden is alive or dead. You know what we should do? Send those VH-1 "Where Are They Now?" Send them over there. If they can find the original members of Menudo, they can find these guys.-Jay Leno
Do you remember the Iraqi information minister? Baghdad Bob? He�s now been arrested. When reached for comment he said, "I�m not arrested."-David Letterman
Politics
While President Bush was over there, a lot of protesting. People throwing rocks, breaking windows. Great, now the French start fighting.-Jay Leno
President Bush is in Europe for the big G-8 Summit. President Bush is a pretty humorous guy. Whenever someone says "G-8" he stands up and yells "Bingo!"-David Letterman
President Bush was over at the big G-8 Summit and left early. He�s now in Egypt and he�s very excited to see where they film "The $20,000 Pyramid�. That�s what he said.-David Letterman
Here's the good news - both sides in the Mid East are signing off on the roadmap of peace. The bad news - the Israelis think the map goes through the West Bank and the Palestinians think it goes through downtown Jerusalem.-Jay Leno
The Senate is now considering increasing government subsidies for corn growers to produce more ethanol. Proponents of the program say if we produce more ethanol it could postpone our next invasion of a Middle Eastern country for two or three years.-Jay Leno
One day after President Bush brokered a big peace deal, Palestinians are questioning Israel�s commitment to peace. Well, that worked out well. What was that, 12 hours?!-Jay Leno
The L.A. City Council has begun hearings to decide whether to make lap dancing illegal in the city. If they make it illegal, you can just forget about L.A. ever getting another Democratic presidential convention. -Jay Leno
Those Segway things are built for perfect balance, they balance you out. The problem is Bush leans so far right even the Segway couldn�t balance it out.-Jay Leno
Oh, and an embarrassing moment today for California Governor Gray Davis. This is so embarrassing. He went to the supermarket right over here, he was flattered when someone asked for his autograph, signed it and then realized it was a Recall Davis petition. -Jay Leno
This summer, experts are predicting an "extreme� fire danger here in Southern California. Meanwhile, up in Northern California, Gray Davis is in extreme danger of being fired.-Jay Leno
On CNN today Gray Davis said he will not step down. Sure, he realizes that in the California economy he�s not gonna find another job!-Jay Leno
According to a study in today�s USA Today, California ranks last in managing its spending money. Right behind M.C. Hammer. -Jay Leno
Give you an idea how broke California is. I won two dollars on a scratch-off lottery ticket and they gave me an IOU. -Jay Leno
At a $2,000-a-plate fund-raising dinner for President Bush the other night, Republicans dined on nachos and hot dogs. At the event Bush said the economy is turning the corner. Of course he thinks the economy is turning the corner � he's surrounded by people who can afford to pay $2,000 for hot dogs and nachos!-Jay Leno
Oregon�s medical marijuana program is lowering the fees it charges people because they have a 300,000-dollar surplus. What a shock � the first time a government has ever made money at anything and it's selling drugs.-Jay Leno
The Clintons
Hillary Clinton has a new book out, her memoirs and time she spent in the White House. It�s 600 pages. 600 pages! That�s pretty amazing for a woman that was there and didn�t know what was going on.-David Letterman
In the book that came out today, Hillary says she compared her decision to forgive Bill with Nelson Mandela's decision to forgive his jailers. Of course the big difference is Mandela was innocent. -Jay Leno
Hillary described the first time she met Bill as an immediate attraction. And Bill knew that this was the woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life cheating on.-Jay Leno
USA Today is reporting that Bill Clinton has read his wife�s book five times already. He has spent more time in bed with Hillary�s book than he has with Hillary. -Conan O'Brien
Hillary�s book is breaking sales records. Which is putting a lot of pressure on Clinton, who�s writing his memoirs. She�s going to be hard to top. In fact word is he�s getting so desperate that he�s actually considering telling the truth.-Jay Leno
The two biggest-selling books right now are the new "Harry Potter" book and Hillary Clinton�s memoirs of her time in the White House. One is a complete work of fiction and the other one�s a children�s book.-Jay Leno
According to this week's "National Enquirer", there's a videotape of President Clinton having sex with another woman. Actual physical evidence of Bill Clinton having sex with a woman other than Hillary. Anybody amazed by this? Evidence of him having sex with Hillary, that would be amazing.-Jay Leno
According to the National Enquirer, apparently there is security footage of President Clinton having sex with a woman in a truck while he was governor of Arkansas. Apparently both the girl and the vehicle were half-ton pick-ups.-Jay Leno
Hillary has called for a Senate inquiry to review the credibility of the intelligence used to justify the war and if people were misled. And if there�s one thing the Clintons won�t stand for, it�s misleading the American people.-Jay Leno
Martha Stewart
Still no word on Osama bin Laden and no word on Saddam Hussein, but federal authorities may be closing in on Martha Stewart. Yes!-Jay Leno
Martha Stewart says she has word that she will probably be indicted tomorrow. She�s still getting inside information. How does she know she�s going to be indicted tomorrow? -Jay Leno
The feds hit Martha with a 41-page indictment. Give you an idea how much trouble she's in, they only have 16 pages against Saddam Hussein.-Jay Leno
Martha Stewart is facing an indictment. Nine counts of obstruction of justice. I was wondering how she�s handling everything, so today I turned on the TV and on her show she was showing how to take a little water and lemon juice and remove finger print ink. -David Letterman
After being indicted Martha Stewart is now fighting back. She says that she is going to fight and clear her name. She says that she is looking forward to people not thinking she�s guilty and getting back to people thinking she�s cold and arrogant.-Conan O'Brien
I flipped on Martha Stewart�s TV show this morning. You know what she was making? License plates. -Jay Leno
It was a great spring day today! It was so nice Martha Stewart was doing outsider trading. -David Letterman
Hillary told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because she�s a friend of theirs. Apparently Martha used to come by the Oval Office regularly to get stains out.-Jay Leno
Martha Stewart�s lawyers are saying the prosecutors in her case are finding things that are just not there. Sounds like we could use these guys in Iraq.-Jay Leno
Celebrities
Jenna Morasca, the swimsuit model who won the last edition of "Survivor," is posing nude in the August issue of Playboy. Gee, there�s a shock. How much are they paying her? She took off her clothes on "Survivor" for peanut butter and a cookie. -Jay Leno
Prince William says his father Prince Charles thinks he�s the laziest person on earth. That�s pretty bad coming from someone who has never had a job they�re entire life.-Jay Leno
Mike Tyson back in the news again! Mike Tyson said in an interview with Greta Van Susteren that airs on Fox this Thursday that he didn�t rape that beauty contestant 10 years ago, but she makes him so mad he�d like to rape her now and her mother too. Nice to see his medication working out. I bet the Zoloft people are thrilled with these results.-Jay Leno
The number one movie is "The Hulk." In the movie Nick Nolte plays the hulk�s dad, Nolte plays a character who is "a crazed scientist who self-injects experimental drugs." Well, there�s a stretch for Nick! I think he pretty much phoned that one in from Malibu.-Jay Leno
Did you see that one scene where Hulk loses control, he just goes berserk and he terrorizes a bunch of people in a hotel .. no, I�m sorry, that was Mike Tyson this weekend.-Jay Leno
You know how Eric Rudolph was able to avoid being seen by anyone for the last 5 years? Apparently he had a show on ABC.-Jay Leno
The National Enquirer reports Melissa Rivers won�t pose in Playboy after all. So I guess the terror alert can drop back down.-Jay Leno
This shows how strange people can be. Scott Peterson is receiving a number of wedding proposals while in prison. The bad news, most are from in prison.-Jay Leno
Richard Chamberlain admitted on "Dateline� that he was gay. And not to be outdone, today Richard Simmons admitted that�.he always suspected Richard Chamberlain was gay. He said he could tell there was just something about him. -Jay Leno
I saw something uplifting today, something that reaffirmed by belief in humanity. Driving through Hollywood � you hear the world is so cold. I saw a young boy helping an old woman across the street. Turns out it was just Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore on a date.-Jay Leno
Puff Daddy is going to buy his and hers Rolls Royces for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez for their wedding. Her license plate says "J. Lo" and Affleck�s license plate will say "Current Husband."-Conan O'Brien
Michael Jackson returned to his hometown of Gary, Indiana, today and received the key to the city. What a success story. He left Gary as a young poor black child and returned as a rich white man.-Jay Leno
Pamela Anderson has just joined a celebrity wake-up service where you pay $7.99 per month to hear celebrity voices give you a wake-up call. For $8.99 Christina Aguilera will wake you in person. -Conan O'Brien
Because the stock market performed so poorly last year, the number of millionaires in America decreased by 100,000 � no wonder Anna Nicole is having such a hard time finding another husband.-Jay Leno
Here�s something great and long overdue � last night Queen and Little Richard were inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame. Actually, one kind of embarrassing moment: When they introduced Queen, Little Richard got up..-Jay Leno
Woody Allen is featured in a video trying to get Americans to visit France. I don�t know if that�s going to work. Woody Allen can�t get Americans to the movie theater. -Craig Kilborn
Former Alabama football Coach Mike Price is suing Sports Illustrated for $20 million, claming they defamed him in an article last month about his alleged bad behavior in a Florida strip club. Twenty million bucks! And if Price wins, he wants it all paid in $1 bills. -Jay Leno
Rodney King is back in the news. Rodney King was back in court and he�s recording a rap album. He�s recording under his rap name, "Run DUI."-Jay Leno
Yep, ol� Snoop Dogg, who is on the show tomorrow night. He�s still coming. I guess at the BET Awards he had some guns and stuff like that in his car. They could get five years in prison, which is 35 in dog years.-Jay Leno
Police say they searched Snoop�s armored van and found guns, body armor and marijuana ... and this is unconfirmed, but they also reportedly confiscated a fa-shizzle and two dizzles.-Jay Leno
Law And Order
Miss New York was part of the Miss Universe Pageant; her talent was breaking into a Lexus with a wire coat hanger � while smoking a cigarette.-David Letterman
Today in Washington, the FCC voted to allow big media companies to own more television stations and newspapers. They believe that this improves the American people�s ability to get a single viewpoint rather than be confused by a bunch of different ones.-Jay Leno
The police handed out 10,000 tickets for littering yesterday. 10,000 tickets! The result was 10,000 wadded-up tickets thrown in the street.-David Letterman
Philip Morris has announced plans to sue 1,500 retailers in California and five importers for selling counterfeit versions of their Marlboro cigarettes. The cigarettes are fake, your tumor is still real. -Jay Leno
Yes, crime is down in New York City and it�s a big story. Such a big story that the New York Times has pretended to have three reporters covering the story.-David Letterman
So far this year, there�s been 254 murders in New York City. That number is way down, thanks to Mayor Bloomberg�s $54 fine on murder.-David Letterman
The Bush White House is now proposing a new study that claims religion in prison can keep prisoners from returning to a life of crime. The good news is if you are looking for religion in prison these days, a priest is no more than a cell or two away.-Jay Leno
A federal judge has ruled that the city of New Orleans can�t ban sidewalk book sales, because it violates the First Amendment. What I can�t understand is why New Orleans decided to ban book sales. Have you ever been to New Orleans? People are drinking on the sidewalks, taking their tops off, urinating on the sidewalk - but we don�t want anybody reading on the sidewalk.-Jay Leno
In Washington state a prisoner escaped after using a fake gun made out of paper. A fake gun made from paper. He was caught outside frantically folding a getaway car.-Craig Kilborn
I guess you heard about this. In what�s being called a landmark decision, the Supreme Court legalized sodomy in Texas. So by overturning the law, people in Texas can now overturn each other.-Jay Leno
Popular Culture
In Florida a 90-year-old man is excited over winning $16,000 in the lottery. I bet he won�t be so excited when he finds out that the $16,000 is paid out over the next 30 years.-Craig Kilborn
Last night on Fox, Leeza Gibbons hosted a show called "Test the Nation" that tested viewers' IQs. How big can your IQ be if you�re watching Fox? -Jay Leno
According to the international labor organization, half the population of the world lives on just two dollars a day. Half the population! I had no idea Nike was that big.-Jay Leno
According to Forbes magazine, the best place to live and be single is Austin, Texas. The worst place to live and be single � your parents' basement. -Conan O'Brien
Another odd story � a Wisconsin man was cited for drunk driving after he crashed his golf cart into a highway road marker. The guy was driving his golf cart down the highway! Forget the drinking for a minute, how bad a golfer was this guy!-Jay Leno
This week, the U.S. Air Guitar National Championships are going on in L.A. The winners will receive an imaginary check for $1 million. -Jay Leno
Al Gore is looking for backing for a liberal cable TV and radio network to counter Fox and conservative radio shows. Gore says there is no outlet on the air for liberal or "progressive" viewpoints. You know, besides ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, HBO, Bravo, BET, Showtime, the Lifetime Channel, MTV, IFC, Oxygen and National Public Radio ... other than that, there is no place for liberal expression.-Jay Leno
According to the Census Bureau, Hispanics now outnumber African-Americans in the U.S., and today Jesse Jackson said, "Don�t blame me. I�ve done my share."-Jay Leno
The other day at the Omaha, Nebraska, airport, a deer was seen roaming through the passenger terminal. Wildlife experts think the deer was searching for food. The deer left in a huff when he realized he didn�t want to pay eight bucks for an airport hot dog.-Jay Leno
New York City has been found to be the city least likely to help strangers. New Yorkers don�t help strangers. In fact, the only time New York City has helped out a stranger was when Hillary Clinton was elected to the Senate.-Conan O'Brien
I tell you, this was a tough weekend for fans. Do you wait in line to buy the new "Harry Potter" book, do you wait in line to see "The Hulk," or do you maybe go home and just get a life! -Jay Leno
"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling said she killed off one of the characters in her book, and today Hillary Clinton said, "You can do that?"-Jay Leno
A company announced this week they�re coming out with a new kind of bra. It is strapless, seamless, backless. The bra is two silicone gel cups � or, as we call that in L.A., breasts!-Jay Leno
According to a new poll in Playboy magazine, 83 percent of women said they don�t consider a man getting a lap dance cheating, the other 17 percent were married women.-Jay Leno
Health And Fitness
More talk about this mad cow disease - they say mad cow is only spread to human by eating the brain, spinal cord or eyes of an infected cow. The brain, the spinal cord and the eyes of a cow � or, as we call that, a hot dog.-Jay Leno
I guess you heard about this disease monkey pox. People get it by coming in contact with prairie dogs � hence the name.-Jay Leno
To stop the spread of monkey pox the government has banned the sale of prairie dogs in the United States. This has upset pet stores, animal owners and New York City restaurants.-Conan O'Brien
Have you heard of the monkeypox? It�s serious. To curb the spread of monkeypox, the U.S. government has banned the sale of prairie dogs throughout the country. I hope that doesn�t affect the price of the Whopper.-David Letterman
The World Health Organization said yesterday that the spread of SARS has been stopped dead in its tracks. Now the biggest health risk in Toronto is once again boredom.-Conan O'Brien
McDonald's is now getting behind a new fitness program called "Step With It" that encourages people to walk more, and includes a pedometer that records the number of steps you take. Forget counting steps. You wanna lose weight? Walk your fat ass past McDonald's!-Jay Leno
Researchers at Harvard University say that taking a power nap for an hour at 2 in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say by the time you wake up you�ll feel so good, you�ll be able to start looking for a new job.-Jay Leno
Sports
I guess you all heard about Chicago Cubs superstar Sammy Sosa - terrible, ejected from yesterday's game with Tampa Bay after umpires found cork in his shattered bat. This is a new low! Usually Cubs fans have to wait 'til October to be embarrassed by their team.-Jay Leno
Major League Baseball officials were shocked - they said players should only hit homeruns the old-fashioned way - while on steroids.-Jay Leno
Did you hear about Sammy Sosa? He got ejected from a game for using a corked bat. A corked bat is a hollowed out bat filled with cork, Styrofoam and ground up rubber balls. It�s the same stuff they put in the hot dogs in Chicago.-David Letterman
Some big sports news, we�ll talk baseball here. Yesterday Sammy Sosa was ejected from a game for using a corked bat. Major League Baseball confiscated all of Sammy�s bats and then gave them to the New York Mets.-Conan O'Brien
Last night Sammy Sosa struck out three times. Apparently those "cork-less bats� are harder to swing!-Jay Leno
Funny Cide will try to win the Triple Crown at this weekend�s Belmont Stakes race. Funny Cide is not the only famous horse that will be racing. O.J.�s horse will also be there: Homi-Cide. -Jay Leno
I guess you heard the news! Funny Cide has a new name today - it�s Puppy Chow.-Jay Leno
Did you see the Belmont Stakes? Did you feel a little bad for Funny Cide? That was the most disappointing three minutes since my honeymoon.-David Letterman
The Wall Street Journal reporting that Major League Baseball teams are allowing fans to use cell phones to call the concession stands for food so they don�t have to leave their seats. How fat and lazy have we become? It�s bad enough you go to a three-hour game and eat five hot dogs and four beers � now you can�t walk 50 feet to get them.-Jay Leno
The New Jersey Devils won the Stanley Cup this week. There is now a dispute over where to have the victory celebration. Originally it was planned to happen in the arena parking lot, but some people objected, saying it should be held somewhere nicer. But the arena parking lot is the nicest place in New Jersey. -Conan O'Brien
Anna Kournikova will not be competing at this year's Wimbledon due to a back injury. The amazing thing is that the odds of her winning the tournament are still the same. -Conan O'Brien