War On Terror

Osama bin Laden held a terrorist convention in Afghanistan over the weekend. There was like 5,000 people there -- 5,000 terrorists at this convention. That's why it was so hard to get a cab in New York City today.-David Letterman

Osama bin Laden's son -- Timmy bin Laden, I believe is his name -- Osama's son is said to be taking over the operation. Let's hope it works out as well as it did for Uday and Qusay.-Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden, who is running al-Qaeda, is said to be turning over control of the group to his son. I believe his son�s name is Gary. Anyway, his son has said that he will be more accessible than his father. He has told the other members that his cave is always open.-David Letterman

As you know, President Bush wants $87 billion for Iraq, $20 billion of which is going to rebuild their roads, their railroad bridges and their public buildings. Is there any way we can get California to declare war on the United States? You see, Bush could invade us, we can lose and we get money for our railroad bridges, our public buildings ... do you see what I'm saying?-Jay Leno

Did you see Bush's speech today? President Bush said today that free countries do not develop weapons of mass destruction. And Rumsfeld's going, "Shut up!" -Jay Leno

And if you�ve been watching the news at all you know that President Bush has been traveling around the country giving speeches on how well things are going in Iraq. He says there are schools opening every day. Okay, they�re terrorist training schools, but at least the kids are learning.-Jay Leno

Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile phone licenses to three Middle Eastern companies on Monday saying service could be available by the end of the month. This means, Iraqis could talk anywhere at any time about how they have no water, electricity or food.-Jimmy Fallon

Colin Powell, our secretary of state, said Iraq will have a constitution in six months and it's going to be modeled after our United States Constitution -- not the original one. The lite version wwe are using now.-Bill Maher

This is the six-month anniversary of the fall of Saddam, and we still haven�t found him yet. But you know what bothers me the most? We haven�t even found any of his look-alike doubles. Weren�t there like ten look-alikes? Where did they go? Shouldn�t we get partial credit for getting one of them? There�s ten of them, we can�t get any of them? -Jay Leno

Well, the latest report from the U.S. military says they have still not found any Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. However, today they did find several Iraqi women who claim they were fondled by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1970s. -Jay Leno

Today's bloodshed in Baghdad follows yesterday's chaos when anti-American insurgents unleashed a barrage of rockets on the Al Rashid hotel, the temporary American headquarters. Among its guests -- visiting deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz -- who narrowly avoided injury. Wolfowitz, one of the Bush administration's leading hawks, once predicted that American troops would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, making his brush with danger there: Iraqi War Irony 2712.-Jon Stewart

Today President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we�re making so much progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is. -Jay Leno

President Bush says the increased attacks on our forces in Iraq is proof that we�re making progress. He also said the increase in global warming shows we�re doing a better job of cleaning up the environment and the increase in the poverty rate shows the economy is improving. -Jay Leno

Bush said that the attacks in Iraq are intended to "cause people to run." He�s right � at last count nine Democrats running against him.-Jay Leno

Bush said that part of our problem in Iraq is that Syria and Iran are not doing a very good job of keeping people from crossing the border. Well gee, why don�t we send some of our experts from right here in California.-Jay Leno

The California Recall

Did you hear about this? 26 years ago -- so that makes it relavent, Arnold Schwartzenegger did and interview with "OUI" and talked about sex and other stuff. Some people are upset over it. But since Arnold has married Maria Shriver and now has a sex scandal -- the Kennedy's have now accepted him.-Jay Leno

Arriana Huffington who is also running for governor wants to debate Arnold. Could you imagine that? It'd be like a bad episode of Boris and Natasha from "Rocky and Bullwinkle".-Jay Leno

And Arianna Huffington has pulled out of the California gubernatorial race. That's what California needs, another unemployed alien, great.-Jay Leno

But she said today she pulled out of the race to do something important, to prevent Arnold Schwarzenegger from being governor of California. I think she's being modest, I think she did something far more important: She prevented herself from becoming governor of California. -Jay Leno

On Larry King the other night Arianna Huffington said she will devote 100 percent of her time to make sure that Arnold loses the next election. In fact she's come up with a sure-fire way to ruin his campaign -- she's going to endorse him. -Jay Leno

Well it's now being reported that when Cruz Bustamante finally got his college degree in 2003, he just got it this year, his college degree, he received credit for a class he never even attended. Yeah, but he said it wasn't an important class, I think it was just ethics or something. -Jay Leno

And according to the Associated Press, I mentioned this the other night, Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante just got his bachelor's degree from Fresno State, just got it this year. And like most college grads, his prospects look bleak. He may have to move back in with the folks. -Jay Leno

It doesn't look good for Cruz either -- even the Indian casinos are betting against him now.-Jay Leno

The California recall election is just days away. It's insane. Arnold's wife, Maria Shriver, says that after the election next week she wants to return to work at NBC. In a related story, candidate Gary Coleman says he will return to work at KFC. -Conan O'Brien

Rapper C-Murder has been convicted of ... murder. The good news, though, he's still leading Gray Davis in the polls.-Craig Kilborn

Well, the latest wrinkle in this whole recall thing: Six women have come forward to say that over the last 30 years, they come forward just days before the election, to say that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. But again, this proves he would be a hands-on governor, so I don't know. -Jay Leno

Now, Arnold said that this is a last-minute attack by Democrats, and here's my question: Now, how did Arnold know to grope only Democrats? -Jay Leno

How about the Golden State? Next Tuesday Arnold could become governor. Are you excited about the election or should we just close the state down? Arnold is in trouble today. According to the L.A. Times, six women claim that Arnold groped them. Say what you want, but this guy is presidential material.-David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after the L.A. Times reported that Arnold groped and sexually harassed six women. Bill Clinton said: "Six? That's not enough to be governor." -Conan O'Brien

This was odd. But just out of habit Hillary forgave Arnold.-David Letterman

And the smear campaign continues. Today there were allegations that Arnold once admired Hitler. And the odd thing is Hitler is now three points ahead of Gray Davis in the polls. -Jay Leno

No, it was all a misunderstanding; Arnold said he was never a fan of Hitler. And today Pat Buchanan said, "Well, that's it, he's lost my vote."-Jay Leno

And Gray Davis today, God bless him, said he had nothing to do with these stories coming out about Arnold. And if this doesn't hurt Arnold in the polls, he'll have nothing to do with the next two stories coming out either. -Jay Leno

California ... how much longer do you think it'll be a state? The recall election is next week. Now a month ago people were snickering, but now it looks like Arnold will be the new governor. Arnold is so confident that he's already picked out body oil for the inaugural.-David Letterman

See, we�re taping early, the polls are not closed, we don�t know who won yet. But tonight Davis will find out if he still has a job in Sacramento, and of course, tomorrow Gary Coleman will find out if he still has a job at the mall.-Jay Leno

Are you all ready for the big election tomorrow? I�m still not sure who to vote for. You�ve got Arnold, who groped a few women, or Davis, who screwed the whole state. So I don�t know what to do. -Jay Leno

Today Arnold revealed his heath care plan - every woman gets a free breast exam. -Jay Leno

You now know why they call this election a recall. Suddenly women are going, "Yeah, I know he touched me thirty years ago. I just recalled it now!" -Jay Leno

Even though we�re not in California, are you like me and excited about the recall election tomorrow? The whole thing is just crazy. Today Arnold changed his campaign slogan. Did you know this? The new slogan is "Win one for the groper!"-David Letterman

The LA Times says that six women have been groped by Arnold. Just two more and he can be an honorary priest.-David Letterman

In California this week, grocery clerks have gone on strike. That means for the second time in two weeks, Gray Davis is out of a job.-Jimmy Fallon

Governor Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man � he already has all of his sex scandals behind him. -David Letterman

In his first news conference after being elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit. -Tina Fey

We can now tell every other state that our governor can kick your governor�s ass.-Jay Leno

I had a long night last night. I watched all 129 concession speeches.-David Letterman

Did you see Arnold�s acceptance speech? I haven�t seen that many Kennedys in one place since the last trial. -David Letterman

In Arnold�s acceptance speech he thanked California by saying, "I came here with nothing and you gave me everything." Gary Coleman then said, "I came here with nothing and still have nothing."-Conan O'Brien

California has spoken, and everyone has said: "We�re on drugs!"-Craig Kilborn

President Bush called Arnold yesterday to congratulate him. Arnold was very polite, he thanked Bush for the economy because, let�s face it, he couldn�t have won without that Bush economy. That helped.-Jay Leno

Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he's from a foreign country.-Jon Stewart

On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.-Tina Fey

And Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he�s going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. And what better way to deal with a thirty-eight billion dollar deficit, than get advice from a guy who created a four hundred and fifty billion deficit? -Jay Leno

To help raise revenue for the state, Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed to rewrite Indian casino deals for California. Going back on a deal with the Indians, has the white man ever done that before? Is that new?-Jay Leno

And the A&E Network announced they are making a movie about the California recall. I guess Gary Coleman auditioned for the part of Gary Coleman, but they gave it to Emmanuel Lewis. -Jay Leno

Arnold said today no more movies while he�s governor. Because he�s got to concentrate on the job, no more movies. See, unlike porn star Mary Carey � since she�s lost, she has made seven movies since Tuesday. -Jay Leno

Are you getting used to saying Governor Schwarzenegger? Arnold says that he will not make any movies while he is governor. I was thinking to myself: Now, if we could just get Ben and J. Lo to run for office.-David Letterman

Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation of political leaders will all come from the movie 'Predator.'-Stephen Colbert

Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his plan for the first 100 days of his administration. Actually, it was the first 20 days but he is going to do five reps.-Jimmy Fallon

And according to today�s New York Post, Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention. Which is very smart, see, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush�s English won�t sound so bad. -Jay Leno

Our new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, said today he will seek financial help from Washington. The bad news - we�re second in line behind Iraq. -Jay Leno

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. When you think about it, it was the meeting between the "Terminator" and the "One-Term-inator." -David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney before leaving Washington. Sort of pumping iron meets pumping oil.-Jay Leno

Schwarzenegger is smart meeting with Cheney. Why meet with President Bush when you can talk to the guy who�s really in charge?-Jay Leno

Politics

The president's popularity took a nose dive lately. It's at 49 percent, the lowest point ever. He says he is not down-hearted about it, he says 'Look the election is just a year away and remember I only need one less vote than the other guy.'-Bill Maher

Vice President Cheney is building a bomb shelter. I'm thinking, gee, if he's that serious about surviving -- why not eat a salad? -David Letterman

Over the weekend, President Bush vowed to weaken Fidel Castro�s hold on power. I didn�t know Cuba had oil. -Jay Leno

President Bush says he wants to increase the number of Cubans allowed into the United States. And he says he�s willing to help Cubans find safer routes to enter the country. I believe the first two routes are the American League and the National League. -Jay Leno

President Bush says he wants to help Cubans find an easier route to the USA. Of course now the easiest way for Cubans to enter the U.S.: Go to Mexico first and just follow the crowd. -Jay Leno

And today President Bush vowed to weaken Fidel Castro�s hold on power. Let me tell you something, if Bush does the same thing to Castro he did to Saddam and Osama, this guy�s got a job for life. -Jay Leno

While speaking at a Christian youth center in Dallas, President Bush said that religion helped him overcome his heavy drinking and rowdiness but it was good ole' fashioned Texas willpower that got him off the cocaine. -Tina Fey

Earlier today in Philadelphia, workers moved the Liberty Bell to its new permanent location. And President Bush was furious when he heard there was a crack in it. He said: "We will find the evildoers who did this! We will track them down!" -Jay Leno

And listen to this, this is unbelievable. Utah Senator Orrin Hatch is now working on legislation to change the Constitution of the United States to allow foreign-born citizens to run for president. This is what I love about Republicans, they�re a hundred percent against giving immigrants driver�s licenses, but you can be president, that�s OK. You just can�t drive. -Jay Leno

Let�s see what�s going on in other politics, today Florida Senator Bob Graham dropped out of the Democratic presidential race. He dropped out, yeah, down to nine. He said he didn�t think he could get a majority of the country to vote for him. And today George Bush said, "So?"-Jay Leno

Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark has started giving out Clark bars at his rallies as souvenirs. Not to be outdone, candidate Al Sharpton continues to eat, and be, Nutrageous.-Tina Fey

Today President Bush took a break from his 30-day vacation. He is touring three states doing some fund raising for his campaign. To make sure he wins, all the money Bush raises is being given to Al Sharpton.-Craig Kilborn

Are you folks paying attention to the Democratic hopefuls for president? General Wesley Clark is now the front-runner. He wasn't in the race and then got in and now he's the front-runner. Last weekend during a campaign fund raiser he said that it's possible to time travel. It's possible to travel in time, go the speed of light. Today he went back in time to remove the foot from his mouth.-David Letterman

(General Wesley Clark) participated in the debate with the Democrats. He was the new star. And he had to answer the question 'Why is he suddenly a Democrat?' He said he did not fit in with the Republicans because he is pro-choice, pro-affirmative action, and once when he was young and impressionable, he fought in a war.-Bill Maher

As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flash light.-Tina Fey

The Economy

Gas in some places is now $2.20 per gallon. Didn't we win the war? Shouldn't it be a penny a gallon?-Jay Leno

He says that the Bush administration is working to keep American jobs -- yeah his and Dick Cheney's.-David Letterman

And the stock market was up today, it went way up. In fact, Martha Stewart actually made money legally today. -Jay Leno

President Bush is going to Las Vegas, his first time as president. It's his new economic plan. A billion dollars on red! Hey, he might as well try it, nothing else is working. -Jay Leno

President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows this works because he�s been testing it here since the day he took office. This is guaranteed to work, it�s worked now for three years. -Jay Leno

The U.S. economy grew by 7 percent last quarter. That�s the biggest increase in twenty years. Of course, the White House is taking credit for it. Today President Bush landed on an aircraft carrier dressed as an accountant. -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

J. Lo and Ben Affleck, you know, are engaged to be married next month. They now are saying that the wedding will be in Santa Barbara. At first it was supposed to be in Hawaii but J. Lo said, "No, Hawaii is for my next marriage."-David Letterman

Justin Timberblake is in the news. He will be starring in upcoming commercials for McDonald's. McDonald's wanted to get all the members of 'N Sync to be in the commercials but the rest of them are currently working at Burger King.-Conan O'Brien

In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Martha Stewart says prison is the last place she wants to go. You know, after Kmart, of course.-Jay Leno

A celebrity birthday today. Angela Lansbury of "Murder, She Wrote" turns 78 today. As a special treat she was thrown to the ground by Pedro Martinez. -David Letterman

I love this story. Liza�s ex-husband David Gest has filed a $10 million lawsuit against her claiming she regularly hit him in the head in a drunken rage. Hitting him constantly, causing severe mental anguish. Of course on the good side, those are the first hits Liza�s had in 20 years. -Jay Leno

In celebrity news, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have gone to the Middle East to get Israelis and Palestinians to start working together. Apparently it is working, too, because Israelis and Palestinians are going up to each other saying, "What the hell are those two doing here?" -Conan O'Brien

Blues legend B.B. King was honored today by the country of Sweden for his contribution to the blues. Hey, there ain�t nobody that knows the blues like the Swedes. -Craig Kilborn

Billy Ray Cyrus has just released a new album. He said that God told him to make another album. Funny ... God told me to not buy it. -Craig Kilborn

Tommy Chong is now doing nine months in a federal prison for selling bongs. No drugs, never had a prior conviction, just selling bongs. He�s now thinking instead of doing movies with Cheech he should�ve been a conservative radio talk show host, then he could�ve just gone to rehab. -Jay Leno

Rush Limbaugh

Well, that's the big story, Rush Limbaugh has resigned from ESPN as a football commentator over racially insensitive remarks he made about quarterback Donavan McNabb. At first he said he wouldn't back down, and then he quit. See, Cubs manager Dusty Baker was right: These white guys can't take the heat. -Jay Leno

Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN's sunday NFL Countdown after racially charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that Mcnabb was given too much credit for his performance because he was black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn't want you to know: Black people are not good at sports.-Tina Fey

Well that's the other big story with Limbaugh now. He's being accused of abusing large quantities of prescription drugs. He was turned in by a former housekeeper, who said she supplied him for four years. Now, when you're selling somebody drugs for four years you're not the housekeeper, you're the drug dealer.-Jay Leno

And over the weekend Rush Limbaugh admitted he has a drug problem. Apparently he ran out. -Jay Leno

I don't think he is that much of a drug freak. His drug use has been overrated by a white media who wants to give a conservative the benefit of the drug doubt.-Jon Stewart

Well that�s the big story, Rush Limbaugh admitted he is addicted to pain killers and over the weekend checked himself into rehab. And fellow conservative William Bennett gave him five to two odds he�s gonna make it. -Jay Leno

Well, that�s the big story. Rush Limbaugh has announced he�s addicted to painkillers, checked himself into rehab. That�s tough; he�s got a monkey on his back and his foot in his mouth. -Jay Leno

Actually, Rush had only one request � he asked for a room in the right wing of the hospital. -Jay Leno

Have you been following that? Today Rush Limbaugh said he can�t talk about the prescription drug scandal he�s involved in because, he said, "I don�t yet know what I�m dealing with." It didn�t stop him from talking about black quarterbacks; he doesn�t know anything about that either. -Jay Leno

Actually, a lot of people are on that Rush Limbaugh diet, have you tried this? It�s Vicodin for breakfast, Oxytocin for lunch, and the shakes for dinner. -Jay Leno

It�s pretty ironic, isn�t it? The only Republican with a prescription drug plan and it�s Rush Limbaugh. You get like five thousand pills a year.-Jay Leno

Actually, today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out how to blame it on the Clintons.-Jay Leno

Big news on CNN just a few minutes ago, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, this was in Rush Limbaugh�s medicine cabinet.-Jay Leno

As you know, Rush has admitted to being addicted to pain pills. He said he started taking these pills to stop chronic neck pain, caused from constantly leaning to the right. -Jay Leno

Rush Limbaugh has entered rehab. Am I the only one who thought we were better off with Limbaugh sedated?-David Letterman

Did you see that Newsweek story? They said Rush Limbaugh�s home is worth $30 million. With a street value of $80 million. -Jay Leno

Earlier today, actor Jack Nicholson announced he was addicted to prescription sunglasses.-David Letterman

Law And Order

A federal judge ordered the removal of the Ten Commandments monument out of an Alabama courthouse. I guess politicians and judges weren't comfortable walking by an object that says you shouldn't steal or commit adultery.-Jay Leno

In New York a 21-year-old inmate in state prison is suing the state for $5 million for an injury that occurred while he was playing basketball. Isn't this backward? Don't you first start in the NBA and then go to jail?-Jay Leno

Rodney King has been arrested once again, this time for beating his girlfriend. He could be in real trouble this time � it seems he may have violated California�s very strict 20,000 strikes and you�re out rule. -Jay Leno

In Washington D.C. the Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying e-mail things you get on your computer. The senators made it really clear. They said "when you start misleading the American people and start taking money by making false promises, that�s our turf buddy.� -Jay Leno

Did you hear about this? There was a shooting outside the Robert Blake trial today. So apparently, he�s dating again. -Jay Leno

It�s just a coincidence � it had nothing to do with the Blake case, but a lawyer was shot by his own client in front of the courthouse. Shot by his own client. And of course the guy�s biggest problem is getting another lawyer to defend him now. -Jay Leno

He's on videotape shooting his lawyer. That's almost enough to sway an L.A. jury. -Jay Leno

The California Wild Fires

Thanks for coming out on this crisp autumn day. See, I love the changing of the seasons in Los Angeles. You know, when the wildfires slowly turn into floods. You know, dried brush turns into mud. -Jay Leno

This is really scary. Not to make light of it. Smoke is everywhere, it�s so thick you can hardly see the smog. -Jay Leno

The whole city is ringed with fire. It�s like God�s going "ha ha ha ha!� -Jay Leno

This is unbelievable. L.A. is covered in smoke. God bless these firefighters. Everything in L.A. is covered with a fine white powder. My car hood looks like Whitney Houston�s coffee table.-Jay Leno

It�s ironic � the only place where you won�t smell smoke these days is in a bar. -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Bush declared California a disaster area while saying that everything is going well in Iraq. That�s pretty sad when California is considered a bigger disaster than Iraq. -Jay Leno

Governor Gray Davis said the fire may be "the worst disaster the state has faced." Good news for him � at least he moved down a notch. -Jay Leno

California � where every Chevy is a blazer. -Jay Leno

As if these horrible fires weren�t bad enough, we had an earthquake yesterday. An earthquake, and we don�t even know what magnitude it was because the richter scale is on fire. -Jay Leno

Are you following this? The city�s on fire, the earth is shaking ... if you�re not familiar with this sequence of events, I think the next one is locusts. You might want to check your Bible. -Jay Leno

God bless these firemen. They are doing an amazing job, aren�t they? These fires are getting worse. To give you an idea how bad they are, Burger King is now flame-broiling their Whoppers by just holding them out the window. -Jay Leno

Because of the fires, they�re warning elderly people to restrict their outdoor activities. So the Raiders won�t be playing this weekend.-Jay Leno

Yesterday they said the fires may be the work of arsonists. And today President Bush told reporters, "It is wrong to hate all followers of arsonism just because a few arsonists have done something bad." -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Hey, did you hear about this? According to Social Security records, there are now people naming their children after cars. There are a lot of kids named Jaguar, Bentley and Mercedes, those are popular names now. That's for kids in Beverly Hills. See, if you live in the valley, you're kids are named Kia, Geo, Hyundai, it's a little different. -Jay Leno

Is that a good idea, naming your kid after a car, huh? Any dad here want to name their daughter Hummer? I don't think so. That's a bad idea. -Jay Leno

I just heard about this today. At the Texas State Fair they are now serving, this is probably one of the most disgusting delicacies I've ever heard of, batter-dipped deep-fried Oreos. This is for people who don't have time to eat their fries and their cookies separately. The only way that these could kill you faster is if they put them in a cannon and shot them at your heart. -Jay Leno

And scientists in France announced last week they have successfully cloned a rat in the laboratory. This is great news for sports fans, because with stadium tickets going higher and higher, it's nice to know at least the price of hot dogs will start to come down.-Jay Leno

There is outrage over a new energy drink called "Pimp Juice." Opponents of the drink say that it demeans women - that and it tastes like Zima. -Conan O'Brien

And finally, Dr. Laura Schlessinger says in her new book that women should look at their husbands as gifts from God, and they should give them sex whenever they want. I believe Hillary is writing the rebuttal. -Jay Leno

You know I was thinking about Columbus, you know that first voyage, he came over in a small overcrowded boat, everyone was sea sick, there was horrible disease. It was like the very first Carnival Cruise basically. -Jay Leno

Do you know how Columbus discovered America? Anybody know? He was drawn by the lights from the Indian casinos. -Jay Leno

Oh here�s a bizarre story, twenty-two year old man in Mexico shot by his dog. His dog picked up the guy�s gun in his mouth, carried the gun, the gun went off, shot the guy. Here�s the worst part, the dog quickly placed the gun in the cat�s paw, and then took off.-Jay Leno

Folks, if you like big diamonds, there�s one being auctioned off next month in Geneva. Maybe you saw this on the news. Over a hundred carats, isn�t that unbelievable? It�s gonna sell for $10 million. In fact, right now Kobe Bryant�s wife is thinking, "If I could just catch Kobe with twins, that baby�s mine." -Jay Leno

A good time to be here in New York City. You know what�s going on? The annual cat show over at Madison Square Garden. There�s three things they judge the cats on. One, a shiny coat, got to have a nice shiny coat. Two, posture. Three, how quickly the cat responds to the sound of an electric can opener.-David Letterman

Hell, if I want to see pussies at Madison Square Garden I�ll go watch the Knicks.-David Letterman

A toy company is coming out with a Muslim version of Barbie. The new Muslim Barbie will come with a car that she isn�t allowed to drive. -Conan O'Brien

For the first time ever, the top ten songs in the country on the Billboard charts are all by black artists. Not surprisingly, today Rush Limbaugh said, "They are all overrated." -Conan O'Brien

I read today there is now a Web site that sells plus size items to overweight people, like towels, including plus size couches. You know, how fat are we getting in this country? Let me tell you something, if you don�t fit into your couch anymore, the answer is not a bigger couch. You don�t outgrow a couch! -Jay Leno

This is crazy. Right here in New York, over the weekend a guy gets mauled by a tiger in his one-room apartment. He had a 400-pound tiger living in his apartment. When the police questioned him about it, he had a good excuse, though. He said it was the only cat big enough to scare New York City rats.-David Letterman

A few weeks ago there was a story about a guy in a studio apartment here in the city that had lions and tigers in his apartment. Now again it�s the same thing. This time a guy with large snakes in his apartment. The good news � it�s the only New York City apartment without a rat problem.-David Letterman

There was this guy in New York City that had 16 venomous snakes in his apartment. People in New York like danger. A few weeks ago there was a man that had a tiger in his studio apartment ... it was so bad that the monkey was scared to come out of the bathroom. Now there�s this guy with snakes in his apartment. New York City people are crazy. Example: There�s this guy I know that kept Liza Minnelli in his apartment for a while. -David Letterman

A band instructor at a Texas high school is taking heat for having the band put on a halftime show that had Nazi flags. The interesting thing is that the French class surrendered to the band.-Craig Kilborn

China is about to send its first astronaut into space. He�ll blast off, then make 14 orbits of the earth, and then return. Which would be very impressive ... if this was 1962. -Jay Leno

The Chinese astronaut is back after 21 hours in space. Twenty-one hours ... I�ve been on Southwest Airlines flights from Burbank to Reno that have taken longer than that. -Jay Leno

A bar in New York is selling a $63 martini. The general manager of the bar says it�s a way to reward yourself after a hard day�s work. Hello! If you didn�t spend $63 on a drink, you wouldn�t have to work so hard. -Jay Leno

Over the weekend daylight-saving time began and we set our clocks back one hour. You know what this means? Right now, tonight, millions of people are watching our show by accident. -Craig Kilborn

Did you all remember to set your clocks back for daylight-saving time? The bad thing is now when you get out of work, it�s dark out. You know, unless, say, the state you live in is on fire.-Jay Leno

A medical group in Colorado is offering a new idea: a beer-for-blood program. You donate a pint of blood, you get a pint of beer. And if you�re a patient who needs blood, do you really want to get it from a guy who is willing to open a vein for some free beer? -Jay Leno

Beer for blood. Let me think this through. So, you�re already dizzy from giving blood. And then you get your beer buzz on top of that. Then you try to drive home and hit a tree. And you end up in the hospital - getting your own blood. -Jay Leno

Scientists say they have isolated the obesity gene and that this will lead to new drugs to combat obesity. Thank God. I was worrying I would have to eat right and exercise. Whew.-Jay Leno

A leading vegetable grower is coming out with a line of lower calorie "hallowed out celery sticks.� Yeah, that�s why people, Americans are so fat, eating all that fattening celery! Why don�t you start hollowing out some of the Twinkies? Take the cream out of the center. Overweight supermodels will be happy to hear this. -Jay Leno

You all ready for Halloween? Something�s wrong when the only exercise our kids get is going door-to-door asking for candy. -Jay Leno

Looking back in history - on this day in 1904 for the first subway system, the IRT opened in New York City. Before that people had to wait till they got home to go to the bathroom. -Jay Leno

Federal agents are raiding Wal-Marts after they caught them using undocumented workers from Europe. The rule is clear: If you�re from Europe and want a job here in America, run for governor of California like everyone else.-Jay Leno

How scary is this? Scary incident on an American Airlines flight. An alligator got loose in the baggage compartment of the plane. How does an alligator get past airport security? Apparently the alligator wasn�t carrying any nail clippers!-Jay Leno

A firm in Texas is working on a toilet seat that automatically will lower itself after use. The result so far during testing � 40 dogs have been killed.-Craig Kilborn

Happy Halloween, everybody! What a frightening crowd on Halloween. Let me tell you something about Halloween - after reality shows, the car tax, the recall, quakes and fires in California, Halloween is the least scary day of the year. -Jay Leno

Tonight is Halloween! Everyone here in New York City is into Halloween. I was on my way to work and I saw a guy with a box that had a human head in it � no, wait, that was last Tuesday. -David Letterman

Why do they call the miniature versions of candy bars "fun size"? Wouldn�t the entire candy bar be much more fun? -Jay Leno

Halloween brings back some ugly memories for me. When I was little, Mom used to dress me up as a tramp. I hated it. I didn�t want to be a tramp. It was terrible having to put on the high heels and the net stockings. -David Letterman

Sports

New York has made a law which will fine non-athletes if they step on the field. The first people fined under the new law were the New York Jets. -Conan O'Brien

Well, folks, in less than a week the election will be over and all this recall stuff will be behind us. And the most embarrassing thing about California will once again be the San Diego Chargers. So that'll be nice, just get back to normal. -Jay Leno

And Kobe Bryant in the news, Kobe Bryant had his right arm tattooed with religious symbols as a tribute to his wife. He even had the inscription: "J.C. will save me� J.C. of course, Johnny Cochran. -Jay Leno

Have you heard the latest of what�s going on? It turns out that the DNA sample found in the girl�s underwear was not Kobe�s. They said it was a white guy�s DNA. Come on, a white guy at a ski resort in Colorado? I don�t think so! What are the odds of that? -Jay Leno

The New York Daily News reporting that Nike may be dropping Kobe from his endorsement contract. But the good news, he�s now the official spokesman for Zale�s jewelers. -Jay Leno

You know Jeff Lurie, you know who he is? He�s the owner of the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, he is furious that ESPN would hire a man with Rush Limbaugh�s views on minorities, you know he got fired for making those comments. He said there�s no place in the NFL for racism, and then Sunday he told his team to go out and beat the hell out of the Redskins. -Jay Leno

And New York Jets defensive lineman John Abraham charged with drunk driving after he drove his SUV into a fire hydrant and also hit a light pole. The amazing thing is this is the first time all year a jet lineman has hit anything.-Jay Leno

Anna Kournikova says that she may retire from the sport of tennis. This is bad news to the player who was rated second to last in the world. -Craig Kilborn

Anna Kournikova says that she might retire from tennis to focus on being an actress. When asked why she wants to do this she said, "I believe that when I put my mind to it I can suck at anything."-Conan O'Brien

Are you excited about the baseball post-season? Everyone in New York City is. The Red Sox and Yankees are playing. Last night the Red Sox won in game one. I�m now worried that the Red Sox might blow their chance of blowing it.-David Letterman

The baseball playoffs are going on right now. Last night the Red Sox upset the Yankees 5 to 2 and the Cubs upset the Marlins 12 to 3. Meanwhile the Mets are just upset.-Conan O'Brien

Did you see the Cubs game last night? The Cubs haven�t won a World Series in like 1,000 years. Last night a foul ball is hit and a kid in the stands sees it and goes to catch it and prevents Moises Alou from making the catch. Many think this changed the course of the game. Moises was furious and angry because this might have blown the Cubs' chance of blowing the game on their own. -David Letterman

I wouldn�t want to be that guy. Security at Wrigley took the guy out for his own protection because people wanted to kill him. In fact, he refused to give his name. Although today in court, Kobe�s attorney said his name six times.-Jay Leno

I thought this was really nice. You know who sent condolences to the Cubs? Al Gore � he said he also knows what it�s like to get screwed by Florida. -Jay Leno

They had a big parade yesterday in Florida for the World Champion Marlins. Did you see that? They threw a ton of confetti. It wasn�t confetti, it was old dangling chads they had left over.-Jay Leno

To give you an idea how proud the owner of the Marlins is, this time he said he won�t totally disband the team for at least another week. -Jay Leno