War On Terror

Saddam Hussein�s two daughters have been found living in Jordan. They look just like Saddam, except they have a thicker mustache.-Jay Leno

Today, Saddam Hussein released another tape. Never mind the weapons of mass destruction, let�s find that stupid tape recorder and just break that thing.-Jay Leno

Some good news: President Bush passed his annual physical, he is in excellent health. He has a heart rate of 45 beats per minute except when you ask where are the weapons of mass destruction? Then it goes to 800 beats per minute! -Jay Leno

The other day the White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his Cabinet. Today Iraqi officials believe the tape is authentic.-Jay Leno

One of the first tasks ahead in the new Iraq is writing a new constitution. To which Attorney General John Ashcroft said, "constitution? What�s that?"-Jay Leno

As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don�t we just give them ours? Think about it � it was written by very smart people, it�s served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we�re not using it anymore.-Jay Leno

President Bush just sent eight soldiers to Liberia today. Eight! Well, you know what that means ... no oil there! -Jay Leno

Today we sent seven Marines to Liberia to restore peace. If North Korea gets out of line � hey, there�s seven more where that came from! -Craig Kilborn

We sent troops to Liberia. I want to take a moment and say hi to all our troops over in Liberia � Lenny, Bob, Larry, Dave, Sam, Cindy and Wendy.-Jay Leno

North Korea and Iran are close to having nuclear warheads. If they really want to make a huge bomb � they just need Ben and J. Lo. -David Letterman

Politics

President Bush held his first full press conference in months and announced that the war against terror continues, more work needs to be done on the economy, Saddam, hasn�t been captured ... and then he said he�s going on a month-long vacation.-Jay Leno

Do you get a 35-day vacation from your job? Well, of course not � that�s because you�re needed at your jobs. -David Letterman

Bush is going on a 29-day vacation, that�s three days longer than last year! Can you blame him? There�s so much to do in Crawford, Texas, you can�t possibly squeeze it all in in 26 days! -Jay Leno

George W. Bush is still on his 35-day vacation. How many of you get 35 days off for a vacation? Hell, I didn�t get 35 days off when I had bypass surgery!-David Letterman

President Bush is on his 35-day vacation down in Crawford, Texas. Today he went fishing. He didn�t find anything, but he says they are there and his intelligence is accurate. -David Letterman

President Bush is on his 35-day vacation. Before he went on vacation, he had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in great shape � and his cholesterol is even lower than his approval rating!-David Letterman

If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together.-Bill Maher

President Bush has chosen Utah Governor Mike Levitt as the new head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Levitt�s toughest job: protecting the environment from President Bush. -Jay Leno

Disgraced Ohio Congressman James Traficant is forming a committee to explore the possibility of running for president from prison. His top issue � prison reform.-Jay Leno

How many have heard of Howard Dean? How many think he�s the guy who sells pork sausage?-Jay Leno

Today China accused the United States of making up excuses to sell arms to Taiwan. The Bush administration responded by saying: "Those aren�t excuses. Those are official bogus intelligence reports."-Jay Leno

I'm sure you are all aware of what is going on down in Alabama. ... The good news is the U.S. Supreme Court will not hear of keeping the Ten Commandments in the court house. The bad news is they have named Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore the president of the United States. ... The Supreme Court was very clear. They said you cannot install a giant slab in a state building unless its name is Arnold Schwarzenegger.-Bill Maher

Also yesterday Jerry Springer announced that he is not running for Senate in Ohio. If he can�t run the most embarrassing campaign in the country � then he decided he�s out!-Craig Kilborn

The California Recall

How many are visiting California, not from California? Here�s some information about California: The highest point is Mt. Whitney and the lowest point is coming up in early October. -Jay Leno

As you may have heard, Bill Clinton says he�s coming to California to help Governor Gray Davis� recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn�t it? When he was president, he couldn�t recall anything.-Jay Leno

When we finally have this recall election in October, there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. And you know what�s scary? Most of these people don�t know the first thing about driving a state into bankruptcy. They�re complete amateurs.-Jay Leno

You know who else has entered the governor�s race? Larry Flynt has filed to enter the recall governor�s race in California. So this should silence critics who clamed the recall would turn into a circus. -Jay Leno

Larry Flynt as governor. You know, suddenly Senator Jerry Springer doesn't sound so bad.-Jay Leno

The question I have is why would he want to leave the porno industry and get into something as sleazy as politics?-Jay Leno

Here�s how bad California looks to the rest of the country: People in Florida are laughing at us. -Jay Leno

More than 300 people are now prepared to file for governor of California. That�s more people than saw the movie "Gigli" this weekend.-Jay Leno

You know who should run for governor? Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson should run for California governor. He�s built like Schwarzenegger, spends like Davis and sounds like Barbara Boxer.-Jay Leno

Actor Gary Coleman is running for governor of California. He says his first order of business: Raise the minimum height requirement on rides at Disneyland.-Jay Leno

Imagine if Gary Coleman did win. Wouldn�t you hate to be Todd Bridges on death row waiting for a phone call from Gary Coleman? -Jay Leno

Arianna Huffington is running. She announced her candidacy for the governorship. They�re now talking about having a debate between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington, but first they have to agree on a language.-Jay Leno

Last night on the "Tonight Show" Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is running for governor in California. The good news is that Florida is now only the second-flakiest state.-Conan O'Brien

Here�s a little-known fact. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the first body builder to run for governor since ... well, Janet Reno.-David Letterman

It looks like it�s either Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. The robot from the future or the robot with no future. -Jay Leno

People are saying that Arnold Schwarzenegger can�t get elected because he�s just an ambitious guy with a famous name who doesn�t know anything about running a government. Didn�t seem to hurt George Bush. -Jay Leno

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all. -Bill Maher

Arnold was on the 'Today' show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California's $38 billion budget deficit, without cutting spending or raising taxes because there was a third way. What is it? Let's just say it involves a robot going back in time to convince Gray Davis to go into dentistry.-Bill Maher

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a nice note from Kobe Bryant. It said "Thanks for knocking me off the front page." -Jay Leno

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech in New York. It�s easier for him to pronounce than "Ca-li-fo-rni-a." -Jay Leno

The Economy

Today economists said there was some good news on the economy � President Bush is going on a monthlong vacation.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

In Lafayette, Louisiana, a woman is accused of attending a funeral and taking a ring from the dead body�s hand. You know what Anna Nicole Smith calls that? Dating.-Jay Leno

Mike Tyson is broke! Bankrupt! His entire $300 million fortune is gone! In fact, they said on the news he is so broke he can�t even afford to get the other side of his face tattooed.-Jay Leno

Mike Tyson�s life is entering a new chapter � Chapter 11.-Jay Leno

As I�m sure you heard, Mike Tyson is filing for Chapter 11. This is the first time Mike Tyson got up to Chapter 11 in anything. -Jay Leno

Did you hear this? Mike Tyson has filed for bankruptcy. You know the economy is in trouble when a shrewd financial planner like Mike Tyson goes broke. That�s a bad sign.-David Letterman

According to a new survey, the best place to pick up a woman is the supermarket. The worst place - a resort in Eagle, Colorado.-Jay Leno

Miners in Russia have uncovered a 301-carat diamond. It�s something like the third-largest diamond ever mined in Russia. They say they�re saving it for Kobe�s next affair. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

In an effort to increase diversity, an all-black Baptist Church in Louisiana is going to pay white people five dollars an hour to attend their church ... and if this works out, the NBA may try it too.-Jay Leno

Police have arrested a 400-pound man in Anaheim suspected in a string of convenience store robberies. When they told him he had the right to one phone call, he called Domino�s.-Jay Leno

According to a new study by scientists in England, a chemical in saliva can help inflamed bowels. Here�s my question: How did they discover this?-Jay Leno

According to researchers at the University of Florida, alligators might transmit the West Nile virus as well as mosquitoes do. Let me tell you something, if you�re getting bit by an alligator, the West Nile virus is the least of your worries. "Hey Bob, careful of that alligator bite, it could become infected."-Jay Leno

A new computer virus is going around. It�s called something like MS Blast. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with an actual deck of cards. -Craig Kilborn

Over the weekend the movie "Gigli" opened. It�s spelled "Gigli" but it�s pronounced as "the worst movie ever." -Craig Kilborn

More bad news for the movie "Gigli." Turns out it�s not going to video, it�s going to quarantine.-Jay Leno

The flop of the new Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez movie "Gigli" is so bad that according to the New York Post, J. Lo and Ben haven�t been spending much time together and J. Lo just wants to be alone. Apparently she really wants to be alone, because she has been going to theaters that are playing "Gigli."-Conan O'Brien

Today President Bush saw the movie "Gigli" � and then vowed to get the "sombitches" that were responsible!-Craig Kilborn

New York City may be opening an exclusive school just for gay students. The school will specialize in the "3 R�s�: reading, writing and redecorating. -Conan O'Brien

Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has asked the government to return his bomb to him that the FBI confiscated seven years ago. Ya know, that might not be a bad idea. Let's mail it to him, how 'bout that? -Jay Leno

The movie "Freaky Friday" has opened. It�s a movie about a teen that gets into a 40-year-old body. I believe they got the idea from Ashton Kutcher.-David Letterman

A guy in West Virginia won the Powerball. He won millions. It turns out he had over a half million stolen from his car at a strip club. Let this be a lesson to you kids � strip club parking lots may not be as safe as you think!-David Letterman

McDonald�s announced they�re going to be open 24 hours a day � then if we�re still not fat enough, they�ll start delivering. -Jay Leno

Here�s some more good news � McDonald�s is going to phase out their beef with antibiotics. Here�s how dumb I am. I never realized it, but apparently at McDonald�s you ordered a burger and they�d inject it with antibiotics. But now they are phasing that out. You will finally be able to get a Big Mac without a prescription. -David Letterman

A diet super pill is said to be in the works. Scientists say that monkeys given the new drug dropped an average 7 percent of their body weight. Wow, this is great news for people with fat monkeys.-Jay Leno

Geraldo got married for the fifth time over the weekend, to a 28-year-old woman. I have something to say to the parents of the bride: You�re not losing a daughter � think of it as you�re gaining a loser. -Craig Kilborn

Sports

You think that�s unusual that the president gets an entire month off? Who else in America can take the entire month of August off? OK, besides the Dodgers.-Jay Leno

Here�s an interesting item ... Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says that the situation with Kobe Bryant might be good business for the NBA. It�s only August, but I think Mark Cuban has it locked up for the Idiot of the Year award.-David Letterman

According to a new study, the Detroit Tigers are leading the way in baseball�s effort to shorten the length of its games. A typical Tigers game lasts only 2 hours 32 minutes. Fifteen minutes shorter than the average game. Duh, there�s no hits and no runs. That speeds things up a little.-Jay Leno

Next week the Philadelphia Phillies are going to be having their Gay Community Day at the ballpark in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. How fast are those sausage mascots going to be running at the game?-Jay Leno