War On Terror
That�s a pretty amazing story: On Thanksgiving Day, President Bush shocked 600 U.S. troops stationed in Iraq when he showed up to have dinner with them. At first some of the troops were so stunned they didn�t believe it was really the president. So Bush went ahead and mispronounced some words and boy, were they convinced! -Jay Leno
The president�s staff told him nobody would suspect that he�d fly off to Iraq. And Bush said, "Well, sure, since it�s Thanksgiving everybody will think I�m going to Turkey." -Jay Leno
He gave quite a stirring speech to the troops in Baghdad, saying "We will stay until the job is done." He then hopped on a plane and flew back to Texas. -Jay Leno
Saudi Arabia announced this week they are going to hold back on giving the money they pledged to Iraq for rebuilding until Iraq can become a more secure place. Apparently Saudi Arabia feels it�s too dangerous for even their terrorists to go there now. -Jay Leno
President Bush hosted NASCAR drivers at the White House yesterday. Bush is a huge NASCAR fan. Well, NASCAR is a lot like Iraq - you begin really fast, go around and around in circles and end up the same place you started. -Jay Leno
Have you heard about this? It seems terrorists in the Middle East are now using suicide donkeys to carry out their missions. They pack them with explosives and then detonate them. Isn�t that awful? Let me tell you something - if they use your donkey for a suicide mission, you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye. That�s the end of it. -Jay Leno
The Pentagon has announced that only countries that contributed to the war effort will be part of the rebuilding of Iraq. The list of countries includes England, Spain and Halliburton-stan. -Conan O'Brien
The Pentagon says that Dick Cheney�s old company Halliburton has been overcharging the government in its "no bid" contract in Iraq. Boy, how bad are you overcharging when The Pentagon notices? -Jay Leno
Things are moving along in Iraq. The Iraqi governing council now includes a woman dentist. Which is very controversial. You know, the Iraqis don�t know how to relate to her because she�s a woman, and the British don�t know how to relate to her because she�s a dentist. -Jay Leno
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.-David Letterman
Thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, the airlines are now safe from cake. -David Letterman
They say the terrorists may try to blow up a shopping mall with a car bomb. Hey, terrorists, good luck finding a parking space! -Craig Kilborn
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said he has contacted his counterpart in Mexico about increasing border security. Mexico, of course, taking this very serious. Now they promise to search every one-millionth person sneaking across the border. -Jay Leno
Of course everyone at the airport is on heightened alert. In fact even the commercial airline pilots are drinking low-alcohol beer. They gotta stay sharp. -Jay Leno
Here�s some good news - Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has decided to end his weapons of mass destruction program and allow inspectors into his country. Which is of course good news for Bush: In one week he�s disarmed Saddam, Moammar and Howard Dean. -Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein
The New York Times says that a lot of people in Iraq are afraid that Saddam Hussein might come back. Come back? Maybe that�s because he never left! -Jay Leno
According to ABC News, Saddam may have withdrawn $1 billion from Iraq�s Central Bank the day before the U.S. invaded. Billion dollars? You know, my ATM stops at $300 - how long are you there? And you know they�re going to give it you in 20s. -Jay Leno
Reaction coming in from all over the world to Saddam Hussein�s capture. The British government praised the U.S. The Spanish government said it was a great day. And the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered: "We couldn�t have done it so quickly ourselves."-Jay Leno
"America�s most-wanted groundhog," Saddam Hussein, captured in Iraq over the weekend. Great job, America�s Army! As I�m sure you know by now, he was captured in a hole under a farmhouse. Apparently he was doing the Iraqi version of "The Simple Life."-Jay Leno
In fact, when they found him in that hole, Dick Cheney wanted to know, "How deep was the hole?" and "Was there any oil in it?" -Jay Leno
It seems he was turned in by family members. Man, you thought you didn�t get along with your family members during the holidays. -Jay Leno
The rumor was that he was brutalized during the arrest. That was according to his brother, Jermaine Hussein.-Jay Leno
They showed video of Hussein being inspected by a doctor. And then they took a DNA sample from him. Which had to be humiliating. One day you're president of the country, the next day you're being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said, "Tell me about it." -Jay Leno
At the time of his capture, he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he may have been trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton. -Jay Leno
You know, I tell ya, it shows what a coward this guy is. Saddam always said he would never be taken alive. Even though he had a couple of guns on him, he didn�t struggle, he didn�t try to run. He gave no resistance at all. Hey, even Glen Campbell put up a bigger fight when he got arrested. At least Glen kneed the cop a little.-Jay Leno
In fact, when he was captured he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn�t want him caught - the Democratic presidential candidates. -Jay Leno
It�s an amazing story. What a downfall that is, he went from living in a palace to living in a little two-room mud hut with just a few clothes. Or, as guys in Beverly Hills call it - divorce! -Jay Leno
You go through the whole sequence of public events. The indictment, the trial, the sentencing, the appeals, and of course, the tearful interview with Barbara Walters.-Jay Leno
Everyone is in the holiday spirit. Today Saddam Hussein put mistletoe on his ass to kiss it goodbye. -Craig Kilborn
We captured Saddam Hussein. He was found hiding in a hole, a little six-by-eight-foot hole with a shaft for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway. -David Letterman
He had a long beard and was confused and disoriented. It�s the same condition that Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean. -David Letterman
What was amazing and surprising was that he just gave himself up - Michael Jackson put up more of a fight than this guy!-David Letterman
Did you see Saddam? He was a wreck, he needed cleaned up. What they did was give him an emergency queer makeover. -David Letterman
The capture of Saddam Hussein is the big news. After the capture, President Bush said those two words that Californians fear the most: "fair trial."-Craig Kilborn
They gave Saddam a full medical exam after he was caught. How does it feel to know he got a flu shot before you?-Craig Kilborn
Everyone is still buzzing about the capture of Saddam Hussein. That�s still the big story. He was found in a six-foot-by-eight foot hole that was covered with garbage, mice and spiders. A New York apartment like that could go for $6,000. -Conan O'Brien
During Saddam�s questioning he was said to be smug, curt and sarcastic. When he was asked to apologize he said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld. -Conan O'Brien
The day after Saddam�s capture Howard Dean was supposed to give a major speech. At the last minute the speech had to be dramatically altered. The new title of the speech was "Oh Crap!" -Conan O'Brien
I guess by now you all saw that hole in the ground that Saddam was hiding in. Here�s my question - why did we take him out of it. Why not just fill it in? -Jay Leno
According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled, "I�m wiling to negotiate." I�m no expert on the art of the deal or anything, but when you�re in a hole with 600 soldiers pointing rifles at you, what exactly is your bargaining chip? "If don�t let me go, I�ll kill this rat."-Jay Leno
When we took Saddam into custody, he spit on one of the soldiers and the soldier decked him. The same thing happened to Martha Stewart. -David Letterman
Give you an idea how bad Saddam�s living conditions were ... Fox News employees couldn�t find one thing to steal. -Jay Leno
They say that Saddam Hussein is now despondent. He�s a broken man and sits in his cell all day staring at a picture of George W. Bush - just like Al Gore. -David Letterman
We�re learning more and more about Saddam Hussein. Like today we found out that U.S. forces got Saddam by acting on a tip from Rush Limbaugh�s maid. -David Letterman
Right now Saddam is being interrogated. He denies that he knows Osama bin Laden. Actually he said, "Oh sure, I run into him at industry functions, but other than that I don�t know him." -David Letterman
When they found Saddam, he had $750,000 in cash, a pistol and two AK-47s. They now believe he was trying to start a new career as a rap star. -Jay Leno
During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said, "The U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us." This made Howard Dean furious. He said, "Hey, that�s my line." -Jay Leno
All the pinheads are coming out of the woodwork - Democratic Congressman Jim McDermott from Washington is questioning the timing of the capture of Saddam Hussein. (rolls eyes) Yeah ... that his capture would come ... while we were looking for him! -Jay Leno
Saddam is currently being held in an undisclosed location. So apparently, he�s with Dick Cheney. -Jay Leno
As you all know, Saddam was found cowering in this little hole and supposedly his goal was to remain in hiding until all the shooting stopped. Hey, worked for the French! -Jay Leno
Saddam�s daughter Raghad defended her father. She said the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him, or he never would have surrendered. She says he must have been gassed. Hey, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself. -Jay Leno
Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, What�s he gonna give his dad for Christmas next year? What do you do? How do you top that? -Jay Leno
John Kerry, Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman all agree that the capture of Saddam Hussein was a wonderful thing, but they said now we have to keep our eyes focused on the real enemy - Howard Dean. -Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein is being interrogated. It�s being reported, this is the latest, that Saddam is saying that if an election were held today that he would be elected president of Iraq. I don�t think so, because today Saddam was endorsed by Al Gore. -Conan O'Brien
Saddam Hussein is still delusional and thinks that he is still president ... oh wait, that�s Howard Dean.-Craig Kilborn
You know what I love about Saddam. This guy hates the United States, he curses our leaders, he denounces our way of life, but when it comes to keeping money around, boy, he loves those U.S. dollars now. Didn�t see him hoarding any Iraqi bills with his face on them. -Jay Leno
Saddam is now being interrogated by the CIA. He is claiming he doesn�t know anything. So either he�s lying or his vice president ran everything too. -Jay Leno
The latest reports from Iraq say Saddam Hussein is a broken man without hope. They�ve been showing him videos of mass graves and his soldiers torturing people, but even that didn�t cheer him up. -Jay Leno
Politics
Toy industry analysts say that the talking Bill Clinton doll is outselling the talking President Bush doll almost two to one. Well, sure, that�s because people would rather hear the Bill Clinton doll lie about Barbie than hear the President Bush doll lie about GI Joe.-Jay Leno
Actually, the Clinton doll is a better value because with the talking Clinton doll you get two answers for every question.-Jay Leno
The White House Christmas tree was delivered this week. It�s an 18-foot-tall fir from Wisconsin. President Bush said just the sight of it gets him into the spirit of the season. You know, the logging season. -Jay Leno
White House advisers are now urging President Bush to roll back the tariffs on steel imports, but Bush said before he would agree to do anything, they had to answer some tough questions, like "What�s a tariff?" -Jay Leno
Let�s see what�s going on politics. According to a new poll of Florida voters, if the presidential elections were held today, President Bush would beat his closest Democratic rival by 20 points. You know, you gotta love Florida - a year before the election they can tell you who their choice for president is, but a month after the election, they have no idea who it is. -Jay Leno
Today President Bush signed what he calls his Healthy Forest Restoration Act - President Bush calls environmental policies the "clear skies legislation." You know why it�s called that? Because Bush�s plan is to cut down all of the trees so you�ll have a clear view of the sky.-Jay Leno
President Bush also signed a new law this week which will allow the timber industry to cut down excess trees. If you�re in the timber industry, excess trees are the ones that haven�t been cut down yet. -Jay Leno
Today President Bush signed a bill to invest $3.7 billion into nano technology. That�s the science of building electronic circuits and devices from single atoms and single molecules. Bush said he did it to help small businesses.-Jay Leno
Vice President Dick Cheney spent yesterday hunting in western Pennsylvania at the Rolling Rock Club, where he shot more than 70 ringneck pheasants and an unknown number of ducks. At least he only kills what he can eat. -Jay Leno
The governor of California said today that it�s not necessary to investigate any sex charges against him. That�s what Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said. It�s not necessary to investigate sex charges against him. Bill Clinton heard this and said, "You can do that?" -David Letterman
Oil prices are now at their highest levels in 20 years, so today Exxon declared the war in Iraq a complete success.-Jay Leno
President Bush will be seeing a performance of "The Nutcracker." This is the first time "The Nutcracker" has been in the White House since ... well ... I guess since Hillary. -David Letterman
Everybody is in the holiday spirit. The holiday season is upon us. It�s being said by the White House that this year President Bush will be sending out 1.5 million Christmas cards - one million of which will start with "Dear Santa."-Conan O'Brien
President Bush made a visit to the doctor to get two MRIs for his knees. He does a lot of jogging. When President Bush heard the doctor say he was going to give him an MRI, President Bush said, "You don�t have to spell everything out for me"-Conan O'Brien
President Bush was in the hospital the other day for an MRI on his knee. That can be a painful procedure. In fact, they had a pretzel standing by in case he needed to be knocked out. -Jay Leno
I thought this was nice - while he was at the hospital he stopped off to see Senator John Kerry, whose presidential campaign, as you know, is on life support. -Jay Leno
With President Bush�s approval ratings up over 60 percent, a new poll says if the election were held today Bush would actually beat Gore this time. -Jay Leno
The Democratic Candidates
Did you see the big debate last night with all the Democrat presidential wannabes? I was looking at those guys and thinking, Why does George Bush need $200 million to beat any of those clowns? -David Letterman
Presidential candidate Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. It curved too far left. -Jay Leno
Speaking of Democrats, Dennis Kucinich, who�s running for president, you know he�s single and he�s actually looking for a wife out on the campaign trail. He said he�s looking for "a dynamic, outspoken woman who knows about health care." And today Bill Clinton told him, "Hey, be careful what you wish for." -Jay Leno
In an interview with "Rolling Stone," Senator John Kerry said when he voted for the war in Iraq he didn�t expect President Bush to "'F' it up as badly as he did." Of course Kerry is not the first presidential candidate to use the F-word. Clinton used it, too. Of course, the difference is Clinton always used it as a verb. -Jay Leno
Here�s something kinda funny. You want to drive Howard Dean nuts? Sneak up behind him and just whisper, "They just captured Osama bin Laden too." -Jay Leno
Here�s some breaking news - tomorrow, former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States. You thought John Kerry was using four-letter words before ... -Jay Leno
Today Al Gore skipped over his buddy Joe Lieberman and decided to endorse Howard Dean for the presidency. This is a great fit because Dean is a doctor and Gore is a corpse. -Jay Leno
The big news in politics is that Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean. That�s fitting - the guy that didn�t beat Bush is endorsing the guy that is going to lose to Bush.-David Letterman
Today Al Gore endorsed presidential candidate Howard Dean instead of endorsing his old running mate, Joe Lieberman. When Gore was asked why he endorsed Dean instead of Lieberman he said, "I could never support Lieberman because he supported Al Gore." -Conan O'Brien
In political news, huge story yesterday: Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean can just get Gray Davis to campaign for him too ... that�ll put him over the top! -Jay Leno
Gore and Dean made their announcement together in Harlem. Just a couple of homeboys hangin�... getting down in the hood. -Jay Leno
After they made the announcement in Harlem, they then flew to Iowa, which surprised me. Are there a lot of direct flights from Harlem to Iowa? Is that a popular route? -Jay Leno
There�s a lot of speculation about all this. Like Tim Russert says that Gore�s endorsement of Dean may be just a way to set himself against Hillary Clinton for the nomination of 2008. Can you imagine what a dilemma that would be for Bill? A man who was under him for eight years, versus a woman who hasn�t been under him in 20 years. -Jay Leno
This really shows you just how boring this campaign is - when they have to bring Al Gore in to add a little excitement. -Jay Leno
Ralph Nader says he is testing the water and hasn�t decided on whether he�ll run for president in 2004. Actually, he doesn�t really need to run because I think the Democrats feel they can lose without him this time. -Jay Leno
Right now in Iowa, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry is driving around in a big bus he�s calling "The Real Deal Express" - he says his campaign is going out to where people are working and he�s meeting people who normally wouldn�t go to a campaign rally. That�s not campaigning. Isn�t that called "bothering people"? -Jay Leno
Over the weekend Al Sharpton hosted "SNL" over on NBC. It was the longest job he�s ever had. -Craig Kilborn
The Law
Officials say there is still a big fire danger here in California. You know what part of the state has the biggest lightning danger? Modesto ... in the courtroom when Scott Peterson said, "Not guilty."-Jay Leno
In New Jersey hunters will soon be able to hunt bear. Hunting of bears is being made legal. A word to New Jersey residents: Running over a bear in your Camaro is not hunting. -Craig Kilborn
New Jersey�s first bear hunt in 33 years has come to a close. Officials called it a huge success. See, hunting in New Jersey is a little different. In fact, today four bears were found floating face down in the Hudson River with their paws tied behind their backs. -Jay Leno
Did you hear about this? A federal judge has ruled that John Hinkley Jr., the pinhead, the idiot, the moron that shot the president of the United States, can have unsupervised visits away from his mental hospital. Of course the good news is with Hinkley out of the mental hospital, that means there�ll be an extra padded cell available to put the federal judge in.-Jay Leno
Today a federal judge awarded John Hinkley Jr., the man that shot President Reagan, the right to private visits with his parents. The ruling was protested by the Reagan family and the Hinkley parents.-Conan O'Brien
The government raised the national terror threat to orange, or high risk. Authorities are asking people to report anything out of the norm. Anything unusual that looks like it could be potentially life threatening. Like John Hinkley walking around unsupervised. -Jay Leno
Michael Jackson
Here�s a sign of the times - teachers at a Hollywood elementary school that Michael Jackson attended have covered up a sign that identifies the school auditorium as Michael Jackson auditorium. They covered his name. Here�s the really sad part - he attended the school last week.-Jay Leno
The New York Times reported this week that Michael Jackson is $200 million in debt and his financial advisers have ordered him to cut back on spending. Let me tell you something, if you�re $200 million in debt, the first thing you do is fire the financial advisers! -Jay Leno
In fact, they say Michael is so broke he actually has to dangle his kids from the balcony of a Motel 6.-Jay Leno
In an upcoming interview on ABC the parents of Michael Jackson will insist that Michael is innocent - they will also insist that he�s adopted.-Conan O'Brien
According to a government memo, the boy who says Michael Jackson molested him told authorities back in February that nothing inappropriate happened. How about that, huh? Here we were all set to believe that Michael was some kind of weirdo. -Jay Leno
In an interview on MSNBC, Jermaine Jackson claims that his brother Michael was mistreated while he was in custody at the Santa Barbara Sheriff�s Department ... it wasn�t enough for Michael Jackson to be the king of pop, now he wants to be the Rodney King of pop. -Jay Leno
It�s expected that charges will be filed against Michael Jackson by the end of the week. Right now Michael is in Tikrit looking for a hole. -David Letterman
I guess you heard, Michael Jackson was formally charged today on nine counts of child molestation. And Michael Jackson said that was impossible: My bed only sleeps five. Where�d you get nine? -Jay Leno
Prosecutors have accused Michael Jackson of giving a young boy wine and showing him pictures of naked women. So, it looks like he could be charged with being an Italian uncle. -Jay Leno
You heard the latest - it looks like Johnny Cochran is going to join Michael Jackson�s defense team. The way it works is the main attorney, Mark Geragos, will come up with the defense statement and then Johnny Cochran will come up with a sentence that rhymes with it. -Jay Leno
Johnny Cochran spoke about the Michael Jackson case today. He said, "Compared to O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson�s case is just child�s play." -Jay Leno
According to Fox News, Michael spent much of the party chatting with a dwarf. That�s what they said: chatting with a dwarf. I guess this is like Michael�s version of the nicotine patch. Gets you off real kids slowly. -Jay Leno
Over 600 family and friends of Michael Jackson turned up at the Neverland Ranch to show their support for Michael Jackson and it was reportedly a very emotional gathering. In fact, I understand a couple of 10-year-old boys said they were really touched. -Jay Leno
In his big interview last night on "60 Minutes," Michael Jackson says he still believes it�s OK to sleep with children ... but not until at least the third date.-Jay Leno
You know, if Michael really wanted to talk about all the boys he�s had in his bedroom, is "60 Minutes" enough? Shouldn�t he be on "48 hours"? -Jay Leno
Celebrities
I did some of my holiday shopping over the weekend - I picked up five cases of wine. So that takes care of Glen Campbell.-Jay Leno
As you probably heard, Glen Campbell is blaming his drunk-driving arrest on the accidental mixing of alcohol and prescription drugs. Well, that�s a good excuse - he was driving drunk because there was alcohol in it. That�s what it was! -Jay Leno
Glen Campbell speaking out about his drunken driving arrest: He said the reason he was so out of it that night is because he combined alcohol with prescription medication. Yeah, if he�d just stuck with the prescription medication not only would he not have been arrested, he could probably have his own conservative talk show by now. -Jay Leno
Yesterday Burbank Airport was renamed the Bob Hope Airport. Here�s a little tip - you might want to stay away from the Glen Campbell pilot lounge. -Jay Leno
Today is Keith Richards' birthday. Had he lived, he would have been 60. -Jay Leno
According to National Enquirer, Robert Blake has a new girlfriend. How does that happen? Isn�t he under house arrest? How does he meet women? What, did a Jehovah�s Witness come to the door and he just started dating her? -Jay Leno
I love this story. A 78-year-old African American woman has come forward claiming that she is Strom Thurmond�s daughter. She was the product of an affair young Strom had with the family maid. The maid kept quiet for years so as not to hurt the famed Republican�s career. And today, Rush Limbaugh said, "Where can I get a maid like that?" -Jay Leno
Well, folks, it�s Wednesday night - or as the maids at the old Strom Thurmond plantation call it, hump day! -Jay Leno
Strom�s daughter was on TV today and she said Strom gave her financial assistance all her life. This is the only way we can get Republicans to give money to minorities. -Jay Leno
According to the tabloid newspapers, Rush Limbaugh is now claiming that his maid blackmailed him. Yeah, and Strom Thurmond�s maid tricked him into getting her pregnant. When are these rich white men going to stop falling prey to these tricky maids! -Jay Leno
Limbaugh�s lawyer said that his medical records will show that he had a legitimate reason for taking pain medication. Now if he can just come up with a legitimate reason for buying 10,000 pills in the parking lot of a Denny�s, then they've got something. -Jay Leno
And listen to this ... more good news for the government, earlier today they found Martha Stewart hiding in a hole in Connecticut. -Jay Leno
According to The Hollywood Reporter, a sitcom is in the works based on rap star M.C. Hammer�s life. It�s called "Who Used to Be a Millionaire?"-Jay Leno
Celebrity birthday today - Bob Barker turned 80 years old! He celebrated by knocking up a "Price Is Right" model. -David Letterman
Kenny Rogers is going to be a father at age 65. That�s right. He�s 65 and going to have a baby. Here�s what I was thinking - if there�s one thing that I�m sick of, it�s old guys getting women pregnant.-David Letterman
Whitney Houston has a new Christmas song out: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." -Jay Leno
It happened again - police in Georgia are deciding whether to file charges against singer Bobby Brown after Whitney Houston said he hit her, cut her lip and bruised her cheek. With them you can�t tell if it�s a domestic quarrel or a drug deal gone bad. -Jay Leno
Police said she had a cut lip and bruised cheek. There is also damage to her nose, but she did that herself. -Jay Leno
Allegedly, Bobby Brown hit Whitney Houston and hopped on a plane. I think at tonight�s Billboard Awards, he�s getting the Ike Turner Lifetime Achievement Award. -Jay Leno
You know what�s great about getting a gift from Bobby Brown? Battery is included. -Jay Leno
I did a search on the Internet for Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston and came up with 2 million hits, 10,000 backhands and 500 slaps. -Jay Leno
Bobby Brown�s former lover is now suing him for past child support. This is the most trouble Bobby�s been in since Tuesday.-Jay Leno
Paris Hilton
Last night, Paris Hilton�s new reality show debuted on Fox. Boy, you think she�d be sick of cameras everywhere by now.-Jay Leno
Did you see the program? How many watched it? Apparently this is for people who find the plot of the Jessica Simpson show a little to hard to follow. -Jay Leno
Last night they ran another episode of Paris Hilton�s reality show, "The Simple Life." Don�t confuse this with Jessica Simpson�s reality show - that�s "The Simple Wife." -Jay Leno
How many of you watched it? I don�t want to say it�s bad, but suddenly that sex tape doesn�t seem so embarrassing, does it? -Jay Leno
They�re two rich girls living on a farm. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey got fired from their job milking cows. The problem - they were doing it all wrong. The farmer had to keep yelling, "You�re supposed to use your hands!" -Jay Leno
The Fox network is thrilled that Paris Hilton�s new reality show, "The Simple Life," was number one the other night. Thirteen million people tuned in. Which is a big change for Paris, being on TV every week; usually she just goes straight to video. -Jay Leno
The ratings are in and 13 million people watched Paris Hilton in her new TV show, "The Simple Life." Which sounds like a lot until you realize 70 million saw her home porn video. -Jay Leno
How many of you have seen the show? If you haven�t seen Paris Hilton�s show, it takes place on an Arkansas farm. The local residents weren�t really that shocked about her videotape. Hey, after 30 years of Clinton, it�s pretty hard to shock the people of Arkansas. -Jay Leno
Ryan & Trista�s Wedding
Tomorrow night, the big wedding of Ryan and Trista on ABC. At first Ryan and Trista were talking about eloping or maybe just having a smaller wedding ... you know, like on UPN or something. -Jay Leno
ABC is calling this the wedding event of the year. That�s this year, as opposed to last year, when Trista was going to marry the first bachelor, Alex. I guess we�re supposed to forget about that. -Jay Leno
Nightmare that thing is [Trista and Ryan�s Wedding] did you watch that stupid thing? At one point Trista got really upset when Ryan was missing for two hours. He just walked off. They showed her crying in the bathroom, no one knew where he went - except the camera crew that was following him ... hello! You might wanna ask them! -Jay Leno
How many watched the wedding last night? It did huge in the ratings. In fact it did so well, they�re going to renew their wedding vows every Wednesday night at 9. -Jay Leno
I don�t know, would you want to get married on TV? Doesn�t it seem creepy? The minister says "You may kiss the bride ... after this important message from Preparation H." -Jay Leno
Last night Trista and Ryan got married. The show was watched by 17 million Americans on ABC. Apparently they�re not very bright either - because they hired a guy to videotape it. -Conan O'Brien
Last night on ABC, Trista and Ryan got married. Call me old-fashioned but I always cry when a slut marries a gay guy.-Craig Kilborn
Welcome to day one of the countdown to Ryan and Trista�s divorce! -Jay Leno
Forget banning gay marriage - let�s start banning reality show marriages. -Jay Leno
Popular Culture
At Montclair State University in New Jersey, students can now take a course called "How to Watch Television." Is that really necessary? I think the students there already know how to watch television, don�t they? That�s how they wound up at Montclair State University in the first place.-Jay Leno
The U.S. population is now approaching 300 million. The bad news: They were at the mall this past weekend. It was like a nightmare. -Jay Leno
Three hundred million people. Actually, it�s more like 200 million. But we�re just so fat, it seems like 300 million.-Jay Leno
Microsoft says their new goal is to put a computer in every automobile. Apparently they are trying to create a car that crashes itself. -Jay Leno
I saw the movie "Timeline" the other night and after the movie it made me want to go back in time and get my nine bucks back! -Jay Leno
Here�s something I saw in the Wall Street Journal. It seems the big toy retailer FAO Schwartz is going bankrupt. How does a toy store go broke in December? That�s like a brothel going out of business during the Democratic convention! It doesn�t seem possible. -Jay Leno
The big toy fancy store FAO Schwartz is going bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating? I knew this would happen.-Jay Leno
Police in Iran have shut down four McDonald�s-style fast-food restaurants where young people have been meeting members of the opposite sex, as part of a crackdown on un-Islamic behavior. Now guys have to go back to meeting girls the more traditional way, marrying them when they�re nine years old. -Jay Leno
We have the winning couple from "Average Joe" here tonight. Last night Melana chose the good-looking guy who wasn�t really successful, Jason, over Adam, the successful guy who wasn�t as good looking. Thus proving that women are just as shallow as men. -Jay Leno
According to a study by Ball State University, Americans who shop on an empty stomach wind up spending more. Actually, this is still just a theory because they weren�t able to find any Americans with an empty stomach. -Jay Leno
One of the stupidest gifts of the year: this dog translator - did you see this thing? It tells you what your dog is thinking. In fact, if you bring it home, your dog is thinking "You�re an idiot." -Jay Leno
Have you seen this ad for Norelco electric shaver where the guy is in the shower and he switches the shaver�s setting from normal to sensitive? Sensitive? What is he shaving in there? -Jay Leno
Today is the 100-year anniversary of the Wright brothers� first flight. Which was a great accomplishment, but I thought their timing wasn�t the best. Who attempts to fly over the holidays? It�s crazy. -Jay Leno
The mayor of New York City ... I forget his name ... oh yeah, Mayor Bloomberg. Mayor Bloomberg has announced that New York City will have as few as 600 murders this year. Only 600?! I heard this and said, "Someone pinch me!" -David Letterman
Good news - New York City has a chance to finish the year under 600 murders. We�re not there yet, we need everyone to pitch in. So do your part. Please, if you�re going to kill someone - dump the body in New Jersey. -David Letterman
The only way we can make it now is with your help. So please, if you�re going to kill someone - wait until January.-David Letterman
According to USA Today, researchers now believe that as many as 5 percent of adults suffer from attention deficit disorder. Actually, a lot of famous people have attention deficit disorder. Like President Bush, he has trouble focusing attention on the deficit. -Jay Leno
Here�s an interesting statistic - two out of five men say they would choose love over money and health. That�s what they said, they would rather have love over money or health. That�s just what every woman is looking for: a broke sick guy to fall in love with. -Jay Leno
According to a survey in Men�s Health magazine, 85 percent of men admit they surf the internet wearing nothing but their underwear. Sixty-three percent said that�s how they lost their last job. -Jay Leno
There�s a new Web site out called ishouldbeworking.com that features games and sexy chat room stuff and has a panic button that sends you to a news site the second your boss walks in. Which I�m sure would work pretty well if it wasn�t for the fact that you�re looking at a news site with your pants around your ankles. -Jay Leno
Here�s a creepy, horrible story - a man in Germany known as the cannibal killer pled guilty to killing a man and eating him. Listen to this: He advertised online for someone who wanted to be murdered and eaten and he got something like 400 responses. He said, "Anyone who wants to be killed and eaten, contact me," and he eventually found the right person. Now, on the other hand, Dennis Kucinich advertised for a wife online and he hasn�t met anybody yet! How stupid does he feel now? -Jay Leno
Here�s a horrible story I mentioned the other night - a man in Germany has confessed in court to be a cannibal. He said he ate another German man. In fact he was going to eat an American, but his doctor told him he had to cut down on fat. -Jay Leno
Here�s my question - if this guy gets the death penalty, what would his last meal be? "You know, I�d like Bob." -Jay Leno
Here�s an odd fact - the first nudist organization in America was established on this date in 1929. 1929 - boy, that�s one group you don�t want to see have a reunion, huh?-Jay Leno
In Germany hundreds of people were supposed to get church videos about the true meaning of Christmas but received hard-core porno videos instead. The distributor said it was an honest mistake because both films featured a manager with lots of animals in it. -Conan O'Brien
A publishing company is making a Bible for teens. You can tell that the Bible is for teens because at one point Moses tells Pharaoh, "We�re so out of here!" -Conan O'Brien
A publishing company is releasing a new Bible for teenagers. You can tell that it�s geared towards teens because at one point David totally wails on Goliath. -Conan O'Brien
Here�s an interesting statistic - you know how many babies were born exactly nine months after the last power outage in San Francisco? None. -Jay Leno
According to the New York Times, a recently retired U.S. Navy admiral has admitted to being gay. Not surprisingly, it was a rear admiral. -Conan O'Brien
This was in the news. A woman cut off her husband�s penis while he was sleeping after she got a phone call from another woman. The worst part - the other woman had the wrong number. -Conan O'Brien
McGill University in Montreal is paying students $500 to take cocaine as part of a research study. Do we really need to pay them $500 - are the Canadians that na�ve? "Aye, if you take the coke, we�ll give you $500, aye ..." -Jay Leno
The big story today: Las Vegas got three inches of snow. It's official, hell is freezing over.-Jay Leno
Here�s something fascinating. According to a new study, 14 days of complete rest can be enough to drop your I.Q. by 20 points. Which is really scary when you consider President Bush took almost the entire summer off. -Jay Leno
Researchers at Advanced Cell Technology have created human embryos using only a human egg cell and no sperm. They call it one small step for man, one giant leap for lesbians. -Jay Leno
In Germany a prostitute has won the highest total of money on their version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" See, I�m glad that here in America we don�t put women like that on game shows. We put them on reality shows. -Jay Leno
A Canadian man from Winnipeg has set a world record for the most body piercings after he inserted 900 needles into his legs. He broke his own world record of 702 needles. When you�re the only one breaking your own world record, it�s possible it�s because everyone else thinks your world record is stupid. Nobody else cares about your stupid record. -Jay Leno
Did you hear about this? This has happened again - Friday night a 55-year-old pilot for Virgin Airlines showed up drunk to carry a planeload of 400 passengers from Washington to London. And now it�s even worse than we thought - it turns out this guy was not only drunk, he�s not even a virgin. -Jay Leno
In Clearwater, Florida, a would-be jewel thief was arrested after swallowing a 1.5-carat diamond ring. She had to sit for the entire weekend while the ring passed through her system. Here�s my question: What do they tell the people that come into the store and try to buy this ring now? "Any history to this stone?" "Not really, no." -Jay Leno
According to a new survey, 56 percent of women carry condoms, the other 44 percent are carrying babies. -Jay Leno
In California a new beer is being sold called the Govenator in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently, after six of them you start to talk like Arnold. -Conan O'Brien
It�s hard to believe it�s going to be 2004. Isn�t that amazing? You know, as a kid I always imagined by now life would be like Captain Kirk had it on "Star Trek." You know, we�d have phaser guns, transporter beams, space travel, be making love to green women. Instead we�ve all become like Captain Kirk: bald and really fat. -Jay Leno
Because of the heightened security risk on New Year's Eve, sanitation workers in New York City were ordered to seal off the manhole covers in Manhattan. They sealed them off. Apparently this is to prevent any sewer-side bombings.-Jay Leno
Of course the Los Angeles police department issued their annual warning - do not fire guns in the air at midnight. The air marshals and drunken pilots could return fire. -Jay Leno
According to a new CNN Gallup Poll on the most-admired people in America, the pope is the most admired by 4 percent and Bill Clinton by 3 percent. So apparently, infidelity, lying and fornicating only costs you 1 percent. That�s a hell of deal. -Jay Leno
Health & Fitness
According to PETA - you know the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - they say today�s turkeys are so fat they can�t stand up, they�re susceptible to heart attacks and they have trouble mating ... no, I�m sorry, that�s us they�re talking about, that�s Americans.-Jay Leno
As you know, the first case ever of mad cow disease in the United States was discovered in a single cow in Washington. But the government said it�s not terrorist related. However, if you are at the airport and you see a cow acting suspiciously, you should alert authorities immediately. -Jay Leno
Federal agents say they are trying to track about 73 other cows that may have been infected. In fact, they found one today hiding out in a farm hiding in a spider hole. -Jay Leno
President Bush is still eating beef. He said he�s still eating beef to show that it�s safe. He said, "Once we stop eating beef, the cows have won." -Jay Leno
Even if the hamburger meat came from a mad cow, the French fries are still worse for you. -Jay Leno
You know what I don�t understand? Investigators say mad cow meat made it to eight states. How does one cow end up in eight states? How thin is Arby�s slicing that roast beef? -Jay Leno
In fact, when that story first broke about the mad cow in Washington, Bill Clinton said, "Here we go again!" -Jay Leno
Some doctors are now recommending virtual colonoscopies for their patients instead of the old-fashioned kind of examination. It�s a rectal exam done by a computer. It�s kind of like what USC got this weekend. -Jay Leno
Experts at the Centers for Disease Control are excited about finding an envelope from the 1800s that contains scabs taken from people that had smallpox. They�re excited. Yeah, nothing like a big bag o� scabs to liven up the Centers for Disease Control New Year�s get-together. How�d you like to be partying with those people?-Jay Leno
The Christmas Season
I�m smart. This year I�m doing all my Christmas shopping on the Internet. I�m getting everybody porn. -Jay Leno
Well, it is 11:35 on December 18, which means less than one week from now kids all over L.A. will be visited by the old man who comes around once a year bearing gifts: their real dad! That once-a-year stop. -Jay Leno
Sunday was the shortest day of the year. Christmas day of course is the longest day of the year, with all your relatives in the house. -David Letterman
Did you all have a nice Christmas? I tell you something - I have to go to Barnes & Noble tomorrow to return a book I got. I would have gone today, but I�m not done reading it yet. It�s pretty good.-Jay Leno
As you probably know, the networks are all bringing back our favorite Christmas classics. Last night I turned the TV on and I saw one of those delightful Claymation specials. I thought it was Claymation ... turns out it was just Joan Rivers selling jewelry on QVC. -Jay Leno
When I was a kid, I used to love going for the Christmas tree with my dad because in those days people would always tie the tree to the top of the car to get it home. People don�t do that anymore. Now SUVs are so big you just put the tree right inside. In fact, the new Cadillac Escalade actually has a dashboard Christmas tree holder. -Jay Leno
You know, when you think about it, a Christmas tree is the perfect houseplant for a guy. Because it�s already dead. You cannot screw it up more. -Jay Leno
This is the big day for returns at the department stores. Although some people don�t get it - I heard Jessica Simpson returned a gift certificate she got.-Jay Leno
Natural Disasters
How many of you felt the earthquake today? Wasn�t that scary? 6.5 - or, as we call that in California, who needs terrorists?! -Jay Leno
The fire marshal warned me to warn our studio audience if there is an earthquake during the show, please remain calm and seated until the host of the program has left the building safely.-Jay Leno
Yesterday we had a 6.5 earthquake that was felt all over the state. People were wobbling like Joe Namath giving an interview on ESPN. -Jay Leno
Officially the earthquake was a 6.5 but according to the BCS computer it was really only a 5.3. -Jay Leno
Sports
Did anyone see "60 Minutes" last night? Former New York Giant Lawrence Taylor, hall of fame football player, told "60 Minutes" that when he was a player, he used to send hookers to the hotel rooms of his opponents the night before the game, to tire the guys out. You know what that play is called? A "Ho Mary." -Jay Leno
Hey, Kev, what�s the difference between Aerosmith and the Oakland Raiders? Aerosmith is going to play at the Super Bowl this year! -Jay Leno
Did you hear about this? The coach of the Oakland Raiders, Bill Callahan, said that the Raiders are the dumbest team in America. Well, that�s the kind of motivation that drives a team to greatness, doesn�t it? -Jay Leno
The coach of the Oakland Raiders, Bill Callahan, says that the Raiders are the dumbest team in America. Do you believe that? That means the Clippers have lost another title! -Jay Leno
I don�t think the coach is being fair. You know, considering how old the Raiders are, maybe they�re not dumb, maybe they�re just senile. -Jay Leno
As you know, Southern Cal was voted number one in both college football polls, but they were totally left out by the people at the "BS" national committee ... I�m sorry, the BCS. I don�t know where I got the BS from ... I feel bad now.-Jay Leno
Kevin, you know what BCS stands for? Boy, Computers Suck.-Jay Leno
This seems terribly unfair - because the computer program didn�t pick them as one of the two teams, they won�t get to play in the championship game. Even Florida voters are saying, "What the hell is this all about?! -Jay Leno
The formula for ranking teams in the BCS is so complicated, even the football players who go to class can�t figure it out.-Jay Leno
Believe me, people are outraged about this. I mean, that Florida thing, that was just about the presidency. This is college football! This is the kind of thing where people go "Hey, wait a minute!"-Jay Leno
They won the polls, but they don�t get to go to the big game. And today Al Gore said, "Hey, welcome to my world!"-Jay Leno
The USC football team downloaded the Paris Hilton video today. They said they just wanted to see someone else get screwed on a computer. -Jay Leno
Due to the increased terror level, security has been stepped up at the Sugar Bowl this year. Officials will be looking to stop anyone who doesn�t belong at the Sugar Bowl. And today USC turned in Oklahoma. Did you see that? -Jay Leno
You know what�s interesting? Of the Big Three teams, USC, LSU and Oklahoma, USC football players have the highest graduation rate. LSU has a graduation rate of 40 percent, Oklahoma 33 percent. Is that fair? The one team actually smart enough to work a computer gets screwed by it! -Jay Leno
Did you see Namath with that reporter? What was her name, Suzy Colbert? ESPN reporter. She was interviewing him, he�s trying to kiss her. He has his arm around her. Keeps pulling the clothes. You laugh, but Joe Namath, he could be our next governor of California! -Jay Leno
New Orleans Saints receiver Joe Horn has been fined $30,000 for the way he celebrated a touchdown during last Sunday�s game. He pulled out a cell phone and pretended he was talking to somebody. He�s not the only one - San Diego Chargers did the same thing on Sunday, but see, they used their cell phone to get directions to the end zone. -Jay Leno