War On Terror

As you know, the British ambassador to the U.S. presented to the Security Council a proposal to give Saddam Hussein until March 17 to comply with weapons inspections, or face military action. So it looks like the Irish aren�t going to be the only ones getting bombed on St. Patrick�s Day.-Jay Leno

Today in Florida, the Air Force tested their largest bomb ever � they call it "The Mother of All Bombs." Did you see this thing on the news? It�s 21,000 pounds! They drop it out of the back of a cargo plane. They say it�s intended to cause massive psychological damage. Yeah, 'cause it blows your head off!-Jay Leno

You know why they tested this bomb in Florida? Because conditions are almost identical to Iraq. Think about it � Florida is full of people who still don�t speak English, lots of sand, a warm climate, and of course in Florida they don�t believe in fair elections, either.-Jay Leno

Over Iraq right now we�re dropping millions and millions of leaflets out of small planes to the people there. I hope this doesn�t give Jehovah�s Witnesses in this country any ideas. "Look out!"-Jay Leno

The Pentagon still hasn�t given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow "operation re-elect Bush" doesn�t quite cut it. They want to go with something a little more subtle.-Jay Leno

The government of Iraq claims that 50,000 foreigners visit the country every month for vacation. How bad is your life that going to Baghdad seems like a vacation?-Jay Leno

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts. It would be: regular, premium and unleaded.-Jay Leno

The big story: President Bush announced today we will rebuild Iraq after the war. You think that will happen? We still haven't rebuilt South Central after the riots.-Jay Leno

Today Saddam Hussein said that America wants to capture the Arab people and use them for cheap labor. President Bush responded by saying, "We�d never do that. We�re too close to Mexico."-Conan O'Brien

The big story � President Bush today agreed to allow more weapons inspectors into Iraq. In fact, I understand he�s got 250,000 inspectors ready to go. -Jay Leno

It seems Saddam Hussein has written his autobiography. It�s called "Men and The City.� It�s a shame he didn�t wait a couple weeks more so he can see how it finally ends.-Jay Leno

Kind of embarrassing moment for Saddam Hussein yesterday. He called President Bush a "tyrant" who "enslaves people and besieges their freedom" but then one of his aides came up and said, "I�m sorry, you�re reading the wrong card, that�s your intro."-Jay Leno

A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition is sponsoring an anti-war organization called "Books Not Bombs." And today President Bush said, "Why would we want to drop books on 'em? You�d have to hit them right on the head."-Jay Leno

As you know, Iraq has started the process of destroying the missiles they didn't have. They destroyed ten missiles yesterday and eight more today. Bush may be the smartest military man in history. He's waiting until the enemy destroys all their weapons � then we declare war!-Jay Leno

According to the Pentagon, secret surrender negotiations are under way with key Iraqi military officials. That�s what the Pentagon said. We�re in "secret negotiations." So for God�s sake, don�t tell anyone. How is this a secret when they announce it?-Jay Leno

Did you see "CSI: Miami" tonight? They drew a giant chalk outline around Iraq. -Craig Kilborn

Today in Iraq, American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. But to no surprise the Iraqis handed the British food back. -Conan O'Brien

They said that it�ll cost $30 billion to rebuild Iraq. But the good news: It�s still less than it cost to rebuild Cher.-Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden has a new audiotape out. On the tape he says that this year he plans on dying and martyring himself. Let's hope he has better luck at killing himself than we�ve had!-David Letterman

There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he�s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you�ll live � until the Americans get here ... then you�re screwed!" -Jay Leno

There�s talk that the U.S. wants to spray the poppy fields in Afghanistan in an effort to destroy the drug crop before it can be harvested. And Bush thought he was unpopular in Hollywood before! -Jay Leno

The United States wants to spray the poppy fields in Afghanistan in an effort to destroy the drug crop. And in an related story, earlier today Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown volunteered to be human shields.-Jay Leno

Today President Bush was seen on TV throwing a Frisbee with his dog on the White House lawn. On Iraqi TV they said that the Frisbee missed the dog and hit an innocent civilian.-Craig Kilborn

Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It�s the same policy he had in high school. -Jay Leno

You know what�s amazing? People are complaining the war is taking too long. "The war effort is taking too long.� It�s a week! That�s what I love about our country. It�s okay for "American Idol� to take 10 weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war: "Hey, hey, come on!� -Jay Leno

Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera.-Jay Leno

This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We�ll be watching, don�t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can�t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana.-Jay Leno

The U.N. has decided to restart the oil for food program with Iraq. You know what you get when you combine heavy crude oil and food? Kentucky fried chicken. -Jay Leno

Our Allies

Have you heard the latest? You know our "allies of evil,� France � the French foreign minister flew to Africa to persuade Angola, Guinea and Cameroon to drop their support for the U.S., which has gotta be a relief for Hussein. Now he just has to fight the U.S. and British forces. Doesn�t have to sweat out Cameroon.-Jay Leno

The latest in this war thing � today Mexico is still not with us. Mexico said they don�t believe that we have the right to go into Iraq. And believe me, if there�s one rule that Mexico is adamant about, it�s respecting another country�s border.-Jay Leno

President Bush spent today calling world leaders whose names he can�t pronounce in countries he didn�t know existed.-Jay Leno

As you know, President Bush hit the phone banks again today trying to win support for this U.N. resolution. He didn�t get any of the countries to join us, but he did get four of the countries to switch their long distance carriers. -Jay Leno

They�re going to use sea lions to guard ships, and they use dolphins to locate mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won�t help out? French poodles.-Jay Leno

In Europe a lot of people are upset with the U.S. over the war in Iraq. Lots of boycotts going on. In Germany they have taken Coke and Budweiser off many menus. This raises the question of "Who in Germany drinks Budweiser in the first place?"-Conan O'Brien

After offering Turkey billions and billions of dollars to use their bases, their parliament voted not to let us in. In fact, President Bush is so mad at Turkey, he's thinking about canceling Thanksgiving.-Jay Leno

Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops in their country. And today Saddam Hussein said, "You can do that?"-Jay Leno

What we�re doing, basically, is giving these key Iraqi officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this where we could have used the French.-Jay Leno

On Sunday President Bush will be in the Azore Islands to meet with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar. I�d like to make a prediction � Bush will be voted off the island.-Craig Kilborn

Politics

Have you heard about this? "60 Minutes� has hired Bill Clinton and Bob Dole to appear weekly in a point/counterpoint-type segment where they�ll debate two sides of an issue. Why do they even need Dole? Clinton likes to waffle, he can do both sides.-Jay Leno

It was interesting how they rated it. Experts gave Dole the edge on the topic of foreign affairs while Clinton holds the big edge on extramarital affairs.-Jay Leno

Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he�s done destroying the country. Now, if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he�s done destroying it, that would be terrific! -Jay Leno

Happy Birthday to Al Gore. Al Gore is 55 today. Although Florida counted and only got 48. -Jay Leno

The Economy

Did you have a nice weekend? My wife wanted to go to someplace expensive this weekend. So I took her to a Texaco station. -Jay Leno

The winner of the L.A. Marathon got a new car and $25,000. You know what the $25,000 is for? Gas.-Jay Leno

I was late coming in. I had to have my car towed into work today. Nothing wrong with it, just cheaper than having to fill it up with gas.-Jay Leno

Gas prices are now at record highs. In fact, they are so high that women in Texas are using bicycles to run over their husbands.-Craig Kilborn

Man the price of crude oil keeps going up and up every month. It�s going to reach an all-time high in April. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to the cost of a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken? -Jay Leno

What has to be the highest price of gas in the nation is in El Cajon, California, selling for over $4 a gallon. I didn�t know Starbucks was selling gasoline!-Jay Leno

Celebrities

LaToya Jackson was on Larry King the other night and it was her first TV appearance in six years. How many think that was still too soon?-Jay Leno

Michael Jackson has been reported being in New York visiting Liza Minnelli and her husband. When asked why he was visiting, Jackson said, "Sometimes I like to know that I�m not the only freak out there.� -Conan O'Brien

In his interview the other day from his jail cell, Robert Blake said he hadn't touched a woman in over a year. Shot at one, but didn't touch her.-Jay Leno

I guess you all know that story � Robert Blake has been granted bail. He�s getting to go home. People are being warned if you see him, keep your distance, don�t approach him and for God�s sake, whatever you do, do not marry him! -Jay Leno

Robert Blake was in court again today. Officially entered a plea of not guilty. That shows his growth as an actor. We�ve seen him do drama, but this is his first stab at comedy. -Jay Leno

At a concert the Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush and now DJs all over the country are refusing to play their music. My question - why can�t all country singers insult President Bush? -Craig Kilborn

Yankee pitcher David Wells said in his autobiography that he was half drunk when he pitched a perfect game in 1998. He said he did his job perfect despite the fact he was intoxicated. Today America West pilots said, "See?!" -Jay Leno

At the Vanity Fair Oscar Party, Tim Robbins came up to this Washington Post reporter and told him if he ever wrote about his family again he would hunt him down. In fact, he would have beat him up right there but he had to leave early to go to a peace rally.-Jay Leno

You hear about this? Connie Chung got fired. CNN fired her. It was cruel how she found out. She was watching Fox News.-Jay Leno

Connie Chung was fired by CNN. That�s embarrassing, being fired. Not as embarrassing as being married to Maury Povich, but still.-Jay Leno

Here�s a nice story � Mel Gibson is building a church in Malibu. It�s gonna be weird to see people in Malibu worshipping something besides themselves.-Jay Leno

According to the latest issue of "U.S. Weekly,� Mick Jagger�s son is in a hot romance with Keith Richard�s 16-year-old daughter. Which wouldn�t be bad, but Mick�s son is 62 years old.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Today they announced there is a new Web site designed to help people cope with a national disaster. Oh, that�ll work good! I�m sure there won�t be a problem logging onto the Internet after a nuclear attack! I can�t get on AOL during a sunny day!-Jay Leno

People magazine is 29 years old this week. It�s hard to believe that 30 years ago people had no way of knowing who the sexiest man alive was. We just had to guess. It was like the Dark Ages.-Jay Leno

Yesterday on the Internet on the MSN network they had an article that said "Take this test to determine whether you are wasting time at work.� If you�re taking this test, isn�t it pretty much proof you�re wasting time?-Jay Leno

McDonald�s announced this week they�re going to start experimenting with selling fresh fruit. How 'bout experimenting with fresh meat?-Jay Leno

Nestle is coming out with a new snack food for movie theaters � it�s popcorn covered with butter and melted chocolate. Apparently they did a study, they found out movie theater floors aren�t sticky enough.-Jay Leno

A church in New Hampshire is letting AT&T Wireless build a cellular antenna into the church steeple. The only side effect: Every time the minister starts a prayer now he has to go, "God, can you hear me now? God, can you hear me now?�-Jay Leno

Here�s another odd story, I saw this in the L.A. Times today. At an aquarium in Tampa, Florida, a woman was bitten on the hand as she put hand her in the shark-petting tank. Who could have seen that coming? -Jay Leno

Here�s a poll, I like polls. A new poll has found that 67 percent of television viewers are sick of reality shows on TV. The other 33 percent are currently on the reality shows.-Conan O'Brien

Police in Florence, Kentucky, pulled over a man in a Ford Escort that had 300 pounds of pot in it. Three hundred pounds of pot in a Ford Escort? How slow was that police chase? -Jay Leno

According to CDC, life expectancy for Americans has reached an all-time high of 77.2 years. Which is great news unless you�re 77.1 years. You got until maybe the end of this week.-Jay Leno

In Egypt, 21 men were arrested for attending a gay sex party. The men were each sentenced to three years in jail. Well, that should put an end to their gay sex parties.-Jay Leno

They said today, God bless them, in the event of war the Oscars will go on. There�s a good chance the Oscars will last longer than the war.-Jay Leno

A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore. -Jay Leno

You know who is launching a music career in London? The 26-year-old niece of Osama bin Laden. Her name is Waffa bin Laden. She said in the paper today she is worried that her name may put some people off. You think?! -Jay Leno

In Britain, Osama bin Laden�s niece, Waffa bin Laden, is launching her singing career. Is that a connection you really want to brag about? Did she learn nothing from the example set by Betty Hitler? -Jay Leno

A Maryland man who allegedly built a bomb to kill his father was arrested after the bomb went off and injured his half-brother. Unfortunately, the guy wasn�t his half-brother before the bombing.-Jay Leno

In Holland a man is claiming that he has spent the last 11 years eating nothing but pigeon food and that it is healthy for you. His wife, however, is furious because he keeps crapping on the windshield.-Conan O'Brien

In Germany, paramedics rescued a 40-year-old man who got his manhood stuck in a vacuum cleaner. He told the authorities his relationship with the vacuum was purely physical. He didn�t want any attachments. -Jay Leno

A Welshman who spent the past five years of his life building the world�s biggest rubber band ball � a ball made entirely of rubber bands � dropped it out of a plane today to see if it would bounce. And you think you�ve wasted your life!-Jay Leno

Congratulations to Arkansas - they now have their first Starbucks. The governor said as soon as they finally get electricity: hot coffee. -Jay Leno

Sports

As you know, we�re all about to start March Madness. That�s the NCAA college basketball tournament where we start with 64 teams and whittle them down to just one. You know, kind of like our allies.-Jay Leno

You know why basketball players at the University of Georgia are excited when they get their grades? Because they can�t wait to see what courses they took. -Jay Leno

Mets fans are excited. After waiting all winter, the season is ready to begin. Monday is opening day at Shea Stadium. The odd part - somehow the Mets are already in last place. -Conan O'Brien