War On Terror

President Bush went on TV to announce that "every three weeks we�re gonna kick another country�s ass." -Jay Leno

Dennis Miller is on the show tonight! As you know, he�s been supporting our troops, supporting the president ... and he calls himself a celebrity.-Jay Leno

Those close to President Bush say that he has not altered his daily schedule very much at all since the start of the war. The only difference now is that he watches the news and tapes "Sponge Bob Squarepants." -Conan O'Brien

Today U.S. forces attacked Saddam International Airport. How does fighting work at the airport? Do you have to show up two hours early for that?-Jay Leno

I guess our forces seized Saddam international airport. Troops got in in less than three hours. Three hours?! That�s better than LAX.-Jay Leno

We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.-Jay Leno

France has asked Iran to allow more thorough international inspections of its nuclear program. And if Iran won�t do it, France is threatening to ... you know, ask again.-Jay Leno

I had something strange happen to me yesterday, I�m coming to work, I turn on the radio in the morning, the war is going badly, we weren�t in control, the enemy was escaping and the people of Iraq hated us. Then, I�m driving home, we�re winning every battle, racing toward Baghdad, cheered on by Iraqi people, and then I realized: On the way in I was listening to National Public Radio when I commuted to work. And on the way home, I was listening to Fox News. -Jay Leno

The Iraqi information minister missed his press conference today. However, he claims that it still went well. -David Letterman

As you know, we all lost an hour over the weekend, which is nothing compared to Saddam Hussein. He lost an airport, a couple of cities, a few tanks � -Jay Leno

Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a high school in Baghdad. You know what that means. Their high school students are just like our high school students.-Jay Leno

According to the L.A. Times, the United States post office chartered two cargo jets to deliver mail to our troops in the war zone. Boy, if the Iraqis think our military is heavily armed, wait till they see our postal workers! -Jay Leno

Coalition forces may have a dozen 55-gallon drums containing chemical weapons. The information minister said: "Those are not chemical weapons. Those are peaches in light syrup."-Jay Leno

Here�s some good news � things seem to be going a little better in the war effort. It was reported today Americans now control 40 percent of Iraq, which is pretty amazing when you consider Americans don�t even control 40 percent of L.A.-Jay Leno

Yesterday Saddam Hussein told his troops that victory is at hand. Americans are on the run and Iraq will win the war. Then he said, "April Fool's!�-Jay Leno

On Monday, former President George Bush threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game. Now al-Jazeera network is reporting that the ball missed the catcher, killed five Iraqi civilians and destroyed a baby milk factory.-Jay Leno

Al-Jazeera is claiming we shot two of their reporters on purpose. Oh, shut up. If we were shooting journalists on purpose, you think Peter Arnett and Geraldo would still be around? Of course not. -Jay Leno

The pentagon says the Iraqi military is having a tough time trying to figure out where we�re going to attack next - you know, since we pulled Geraldo off the air.-Jay Leno

For the first weeks of the war the ratings at cable news stations were way up. But they�ve fallen in the past couple of weeks. You know why? Most of those early viewers were Iraqi soldiers tuning in to Geraldo to find out where the Marines were. -Jay Leno

Yesterday we dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on a restaurant in Baghdad where Saddam was supposed to be. Now, I�m no explosives expert, but do 2,000-pound bombs even need to explode? They�re 2,000 pounds!-Jay Leno

The Pentagon says that we are running out of things to bomb in Baghdad. Like today we bombed the Museum of Rubble.-David Letterman

Today the homeland security code was lowered except here in Los Angeles, where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with the Middle East, just Rodney King out driving again.-Jay Leno

A number of people at the White House are concerned that Michael Moore � remember, he said all the stuff at the Academy Awards � they�re worried Michael Moore might be invited to the annual White House correspondents dinner at which President Bush will speak. They�re not worried Moore will try and disrupt the evening. They just don�t want to get stuck behind him in the buffet line. -Jay Leno

You know what I noticed? How come we never go to war with countries you want to visit? It�s always Afghanistan, Iraq, Bosnia. We never liberate Aruba or Tahiti. -Jay Leno

Tomorrow President Bush will announce that the war in Iraq is over. As a result, he can now resume his war on the English language.-Conan O'Brien

Syria

Today President Bush announced that all this time he�s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it�s actually pronounced "Syria."-Jay Leno

Some bad news for Syria today. They discovered oil.-Craig Kilborn

President Bush now says that Syria might have weapons of mass destruction. Gee, I wonder where he�s going with this? -Jay Leno

Let�s see what�s happening in Iraq - or, as the pentagon is now calling it, Gateway to Syria.-Jay Leno

Now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria.-Jay Leno

American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today Hans Blix, U.N. weapons inspector, offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemicals weapons too. -Jay Leno

I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it�s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less (whispering) oil. -Jay Leno

Pentagon officials say our military did not use the majority of the ammunition we brought to Iraq. They still have a lot of their ammunition. Which is not good news for Syria. That can�t be good news for Syria. -Jay Leno

You probably don�t know this, but Syria is an ancient Arabic word for "next!" -Jay Leno

The press is reporting that a lot of Syrians came across the border to fight Americans in Iraq. Which is kind of stupid. If they wanted to fight Americans, they could have stayed home and waited a week. Save yourself a trip. -Jay Leno

Here�s a surprise � Syria has pledged to help rebuild Iraq. But President Bush told them it might be wiser for them to save their money. They might need it for their own rebuilding project later on.-Jay Leno

Colin Powell says that "We have no plans to invade Syria or Iran." Donald Rumsfeld then replied, "Yeah, like he�d know." -Conan O'Brien

Saddam Hussein

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He�s dead, then he�s alive, then dead, then alive. It�s just confusing. Today they showed videotape and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.-David Letterman

Saddam�s three ex-wives may have fled to Syria. Saddam has three ex-wives. I was thinking, gee, maybe he�s faking his death?-Jay Leno

The latest reports from Baghdad are saying that Saddam Hussein has been taking a lot of vitamins. B-1s, B-17s, B-52s ...-Jay Leno

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it�s live. You know, it�s like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.-David Letterman

We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein�s palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless! -Jay Leno

The weather in Iraq is around 100 degrees and it�s a lot hotter where Saddam is! -David Letterman

It�s very exciting watching this footage from Baghdad, isn�t it? You know, to see Saddam Hussein kicked out of office, driven from office � it�s the same feeling people had when Kathie lee got knocked off Regis. -Jay Leno

Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren�t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy ...-Jay Leno

In Iraq they found one of Saddam�s family palaces. Now, how many of you have that, your own family palace? Yeah, and here�s what they found inside, they found a private zoo, Prozac and pictures of naked women. It�s sort of like Michael Jackson�s place � except for the naked women. -David Letterman

They now think that three of Saddam Hussein�s ex-wives have fled to Syria. Well, there�s one place not to look for him. -David Letterman

It is now being reported that Saddam Hussein executed all his economic advisers. Today Bush said, "You can do that?� -Jay Leno

Today is Saddam Hussein�s birthday. He turned 66 but can still absorb concrete with his head like a man half his age. -Craig Kilborn

Yesterday was Saddam Hussein�s birthday. People now think he is alive, because yesterday they saw a clown and a stripper going into an underground bunker.-Conan O'Brien

Post War Iraq

We have defeated Saddam Hussein! The good news is that Iraq is ours. The bad news, Iraq is ours.-David Letterman

Now we begin the difficult process in Iraq of building them into a strong, independent nation that will one day hate us. -David Letterman

Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It made me realize, you know what they need more than food and medicine? Dancing lessons. They don�t know how to dance. They haven�t danced in 30 years.-Jay Leno

MSNBC is reporting that the Kurdish minority in Iraq is dancing and celebrating in the streets because Saddam Hussein has been overthrown. They are so happy that they have even released a video called "Kurds Gone Wild." -Conan O'Brien

Tonight President Bush warned, don�t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon �-Jay Leno

The leaders of Russia, France and Germany � or, as I call them, the "axis of envy� � gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.-Jay Leno

The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam�s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy. -Jay Leno

Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq. -Jay Leno

CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein�s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush�s twin daughters. I�m sorry � that was Bill Clinton�s apartment. -Jay Leno

Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a postwar government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle.-Jay Leno

Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under that table for contractors. You know what that means? This war is less than a month old, already they have an American-style democracy.-Jay Leno

I guess you know all of Iraq�s oil fields are under U.S. control. Which is kind of ironic, since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners. -Jay Leno

They say the trouble now in Iraq is going to be teaching the people voting and democracy, because there�s still a little confusion about � wait, sorry, that�s Florida. -David Letterman

The man we�ve put in charge of Iraq, Jay Garner, says that in a few days he will have the electric power up in Iraq and that it will be done as cheaply as possible. I�m not sure who is helping him but we can rule out Gray Davis. -Jay Leno

American troops in Baghdad found almost $700 million in cash stacked in a building. I didn�t know Iraq had a Starbucks. -Jay Leno

Four American soldiers have been arrested in Iraq for trying to steal a million dollars of the $700 million that they found at an estate in Baghdad. Their commanding officer decided something was up when these guys pulled up in their Bradley fighting vehicle and they had a chauffeur. -Jay Leno

Did you see those Iraqis making the pilgrimage slashing their foreheads open with knives and whipping their backs with huge chains? See, when Saddam Hussein was around they weren�t allowed to make the pilgrimage. If they tried, Saddam Hussein would cut their foreheads with knives and whip them with chains.-Jay Leno

U.N. weapons inspectors said they want to go back into Iraq. And now the fighting is over, so do the French. -Jay Leno

It seems they found a Barry Manilow album among the items discovered in the home of Iraq�s Tariq Aziz. He had a Barry Manilow album in his house. Which proves that there were no limits to the torture these animals were willing to inflict.-Jay Leno

White House aides say that President Bush is already working on a speech declaring an end to the war in Iraq. His speechwriters are just searching for a more diplomatic way to say "kicked ass." -Jay Leno

Today Iraq�s oil minister surrendered to U.S. forces. This came as great news to our American oil minister, Dick Cheney. -Jay Leno

President Bush said he�s worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it�s good enough for the Republican Party, it�s good enough for Iraq. -Jay Leno

On Thursday President Bush will declare the war in Iraq to be officially over. Now he can concentrate on squandering his high approval rating.-David Letterman

Iraqi Looting

Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven�t seen looting like this since Clinton�s last days in the white house. -Jay Leno

As you know, a tremendous amount of looting is going on in Iraq right now. Believe me, that�s nothing � wait till the oil companies get there. -Jay Leno

Did you see the looters on TV? You�ll notice there�s something universal about the human looting impulse; it�s the same all over the world - they go for the couches and the television sets first. And that�s the first step toward winning their hearts and minds. You give a man a couch to sit in and a TV to watch, and he�ll be indoctrinated in the American way of life. Throw in a case of beer you�ve got Homer Simpson. -Jay Leno

People are stealing everything. After they knocked down the giant statue of Saddam Hussein, they showed that one guy hauling away the giant broken head. What are you going to do with that? That�s so typical of a guy. Guys will take anything that�s free and think, "Hey, this will go great in the house!� You could offer a guy a Rembrandt for 200 bucks, they�re going, "Where would I put it? It doesn�t go with anything in the house.� You give the guy a free giant broken Saddam head for free and they�re thinking, "I can put a beer on it, it looks great.�-Jay Leno

The big problem right now in Iraq are looters. Iraqis have looted the bank in Baghdad and have gotten away with millions of Iraqi money. Now they qualify for President Bush�s tax cut. -Conan O'Brien

A TV engineer for the Fox News Channel has been charged with trying to smuggle stolen Iraqi paintings into the U.S. No wonder they got so much good video of all those people looting � they were right there with them! -Jay Leno

Well, let�s just hope his jury is as "fair and balanced� as Fox News. -Jay Leno

The U.S. says that around $400 million was stolen from Iraq during he looting that followed the fall of Saddam. That�s according to Fox News ... which I believe stole the 400 million. -Jay Leno

In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested for trying to steal a large amount of money that they found. The soldiers will be taking part in Fox�s new reality show "GI Joe Millionaire.�-Conan O'Brien

Political analysts are saying that it may take as long as five years to straighten out the mess in Iraq � same thing for the Nets.-Conan O'Brien

In Iraq, street vendors are able to sell porn again. No wonder all the men looting were taking couches and TVs. -Craig Kilborn

The big story is that there�s no electricity in Baghdad. The citizens there are angry � and you would be too if you couldn�t watch your brand new stolen TV! -Craig Kilborn

Politics

Well, it looks like the war is over. That�s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71 percent of the American people approve of President Bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he�s happy. It only took 49 percent of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.-Jay Leno

According to a poll in the LA Times, Governor Gray Davis is the least-popular governor in 55 years. Here�s the sad part. They�ve only been doing this poll for 12 years.-Jay Leno

The New York Post reports that Bill Clinton is in Chappaqua, New York, writing his memoirs and Hillary is in Washington writing her memoirs. Which is amazing � two people getting paid millions to write memoirs about events they could never remember anytime they were under oath. -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton�s new book is finally due out in June. They say in the book she actually discusses how her marriage works, so I guess it�s a mystery. -Jay Leno

I want to wish our best to Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. Alan Greenspan is going to have surgery on his enlarged prostate. Doctors say they�re going to reduce it by one-quarter of a percentage point. -Jay Leno

Another sign the economy isn�t doing well: Plastic surgery is down 12 percent this year. Twelve percent fewer people are getting plastic surgery. That�s what they mean when they say the economy could turn ugly. -Jay Leno

At a town meeting in Utah, Senator Orrin Hatch told anti-polygamy activists that he knows polygamists who live there and they are very fine people. You can understand why he doesn�t want to offend the polygamists. That�s, what, 15 votes per house? -Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, former president Bill Clinton is going deaf. Did you see all the women he dated? I thought he was going blind. -Jay Leno

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said that he is willing to serve another term as chairman. He then added, "Of course I would, where else am I going to find a job in this economy?� -Conan O'Brien

Later this week, President Bush is coming here to California. He�s going to meet with our own governor, Gray Davis. And the two of them together are going to sit down and come up with the worst economic plan ever. -Jay Leno

Al Sharpton attacked President Bush over the weekend saying that he has ruined the economy. I think he might be right � Al Sharpton hasn�t found a job in 46 years. -Craig Kilborn

Celebrities

New Age musician John Tesh is going to have a new music talk radio show starting across the country this weekend. On the lighter side of things, North Korea has nuclear weapons.-Conan O'Brien

The Rolling Stones had to cancel a number of their dates on this Asian tour because of that virus, that scary virus that�s going around, but they say they are monitoring each other for any signs of illness. Which of course begs the question how can you tell when Keith Richards is sick? He�s been dead three years. -Jay Leno

Last night NBC had their big Cher special, "The Farewell Tour.�" Did anybody watch this thing? That�s the farewell tour with this body. She�ll put this one up in the closet and then go back on tour with her new body.-Jay Leno

In Rochester, Minnesota, a man was arrested for scalping tickets to a Kenny G concert. As a punishment he�s been sentenced to life in an elevator.-Craig Kilborn

Rapper Q-tip turns 32 years old today. But now that he�s in his thirties, he�d prefer to be called by his more adult name: Cotton Swab.-Jay Leno

Greta Van Susteren has given Fox News the highest ratings ever with her show Monday night. In fact, Greta was so happy she had her plastic surgeon put a smile on her face.-Jay Leno

Our old friend Rodney King was driving 100 mph the other night in his SUV, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Nice to see after all these years Rodney�s still got it. Hasn�t lost his touch. -Jay Leno

My favorite story this week � our old friend Rodney King is in trouble again for racing through traffic at 100 mph and crashing his SUV into a house. I don�t want to say Rodney was out of it, but as he was driving into the house he tried to order a Big Mac and fries. -Jay Leno

According to the New York Daily News, Whitney Houston will be playing herself on an upcoming episode of "Boston Public." In a related story, Bobby Brown will be playing himself on "Law and Order."-Conan O'Brien

In California, track legend Carl Lewis was pulled over for drunk driving. Lewis was so drunk that it never occurred to him to run away! What where they going to do? It�s Carl Lewis!-Conan O'Brien

Madonna�s new CD hit the shelves today. The name of the album is "Buy This CD or I�ll Make Another Movie!� -Craig Kilborn

Actually tonight on ABC, Natalie Maines (of The Dixie Chicks) told Diane Sawyer she made a poor "choice of words." What happened is her choice of words is making her poor.-Jay Leno

The Dixie Chicks are fighting back against President Bush and their critics. They have posed naked on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. That�s not going to get President Bush to pay attention. That�s going to get Bill Clinton�s attention. Right idea, wrong president.-Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson said he�s considering doing the TV commentary during the Robert Blake murder trial. I think it�d be nice to have a commentator that can finally give the murderer�s point of view. -Jay Leno

Today was Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. As a result, Michael Douglas spent the day saying, "No she�s my wife.� -Conan O'Brien

I guess you know this creepy Scott Peterson guy dyed his hair blond to escape arrest. Now he�s claiming he didn�t dye his hair, it changed color after he went swimming in a pool. Well, folks, it�s now official. Gary Condit is only Modesto�s second-biggest liar. -Jay Leno

I was on the Clairol Web page and they have a new quiz called "what Does Hair Color Say About You?� In Scott Peterson�s case, I believe it says "guilty.� -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

This week is the kickoff of Delta�s new low-fare service, Song Airlines. To give you an idea how low-fare it is, pilots have to bring their own liquor.-Jay Leno

I guess you heard that two Southwest pilots were fired after being caught in the cockpit naked. They were naked in the cockpit. Now, their lawyer said they were just showing their support for the Dixie Chicks. -Jay Leno

Thirty years ago today the cell phone was invented. Two seconds after the first cell phone call was made the inventor rear-ended the car in front of him.-Jay Leno

Here�s a heartwarming story � in Boston, a teenager�s life was saved when a bullet fired at him was deflected by his cell phone. I know this sounds like a miracle until you realize, if the kid hadn�t been talking on his cell phone in the movies, nobody would have shot at him in the first place.-Jay Leno

A 71-year-old California man driving his car through Nebraska was caught with 166 pounds of marijuana in his car. Seventy-one years old, 166 pounds of marijuana � how slow was this guy driving? They figure it�s going to take him three years to get across the state.-Jay Leno

Yet another finalist on "American Idol" is in trouble with the law. what is this, like the fourth or the fifth? I guess Corey Clark is facing trial next month on charges he assaulted his teenage sister. He beat up his sister? Even Ike turner is going, "What�s wrong with you?"-Jay Leno

Yesterday a 4.5 earthquake hit Alabama, causing damage to homes and trucks. The big tragedy is that the earthquake could be responsible for up to 1,000 new Country and Western songs. -Craig Kilborn

McDonald�s announced today they are considering adding sugar to Big Mac buns. Who here hasn�t eaten a Big Mac and thought "Hmm ... needs sugar.�-Jay Leno

McDonald's announced they are now trying to find new food items and they are also reformulating their buns. I was thinking � didn�t Cher have that done once?-David Letterman

A 420-pound man is suing McDonald�s claiming that he was not hired because he is overweight. Imagine how fat he�d be if he worked there � "Ok, one for you and one for me." -Jay Leno

A 420-pound man is suing McDonald's because he got turned down for a job and he believes it was due to his weight. A spokesman for McDonald's has said, "Of course we don�t want him working here, we want him to be eating here!� -Conan O'Brien

McDonald�s has a strict rule - obese people can only be customers, not employees. -Jay Leno

This happened a little while ago, but this 420-pound guy, he was so upset after the interview, he went to the Oscars and said some really nasty things about Bush. -Jay Leno

In the Netherlands, they have now opened the world�s first school for prostitutes. You know who I feel sorry for - all those young women who don�t get admitted. It�s bad enough telling mom and dad you got turned down by Harvard. Imagine having to tell them you�re not smart enough to get into hooker school. -Jay Leno

How bizarre is this - a 42-year-old woman in Mobile, Alabama, has married a 14-year-old honor student after getting permission from his parents. And you could tell he was an Alabama honor student � he�s 14, already in the 3rd grade. -Jay Leno

Here�s a very happy story - an Oklahoma couple got married after living together for 77 years. He is 95 and she is 94. Do you know what their wedding song was? "Dust In The Wind!�" -Jay Leno

In the Bronx a 14-year-old girl brought a loaded 22-caliber gun to school. Since it was the Bronx, they sent her home and told her to return with something bigger.-Conan O'Brien

Have you seen this diaper commercial where this woman says the diapers "hold as tight as Hoover Dam"? If you need diapers that hold as tight as Hoover Dam, maybe you're giving your kid way too much apple juice. -Jay Leno

Doctors are reporting a 65-year-old woman in India may be the oldest woman to ever give birth. Sixty-five years old. They said the baby looks just like the father � bald, no teeth, wears a diaper.-Jay Leno

Big controversy at the University of Kansas - a professor has been showing students X-rated videos in class. It�s very controversial because the class is algebra.-Jay Leno

According to the latest Gallup poll, one-fourth of Americans are bilingual, the other three-fourths don�t speak any English at all. -Jay Leno

Last night on the Fox network they showed "Michael Jackson�s private home movies.� I remember the old days when they used to call them "evidence." -Jay Leno

7-Eleven is also coming out with its own brand of wine. What better way to impress that special girl on a date: "Larry, is that 7-eleven wine?" Vintage is Thursday. -Jay Leno

7-Eleven will be introducing its own line of beer. It�s actually aged even longer than the hotdogs.-Jay Leno

I love their slogan, "Tastes great � just kidding." -Jay Leno

Today is Take Our Children to Work Day. Over 3 million kids participated - and those were just the kids of NBA players. -Jay Leno

Tonight for the first time ever a black person appeared on "Friends." Also tonight millions of people were calling their cable repairman saying their TV was broken. -Craig Kilborn

Animal rights activists are organizing a protest against the Pamplona running of the bulls - dozens of naked women are planning to run naked through the streets. That�ll keep the guys away! -Jay Leno

Albino activists are now protesting what they say is prejudice in Hollywood. They claim that movies often portray albinos negatively and as villains. When is the establishment going to give the really white man a break? -Jay Leno

Don�t kid yourself; are you worried about this SARS? Today Tom Ridge said in order to protect yourself from SARS to put duct tape over your nose.-David Letterman

The government said today they want to get out the message that SARS is not terrorist-related. It�s a natural form of disease. That�s comforting to know. It�s not al-Qaeda trying to kill us, it�s Mother Nature now. -Jay Leno

Mr. Personality

Last night was the premiere of the new reality show "Mr. Personality,� where Monica Lewinsky interviews 20 bachelors disguised in masks. The bachelors are wearing the masks because they are embarrassed to be on the same show as Monica Lewinsky.-Conan O'Brien

How many watched Monica Lewinsky on "Mr. Personality�? Did you see her? If you watched her, it proves the old show business adage that the camera does add 110 pounds. -Jay Leno

A conservative group is asking people to boycott all the companies that advertise on Monica Lewinsky�s new reality TV show. The group is made up of several right-wing Republicans and one female Democratic senator.-Conan O'Brien

Last night I�m watching TV and I thought to myself, "Boy, that guy Kevin James from 'King of Queens' really gained weight." Then I realized I was watching Monica lewinsky on "Mr. Personality.�-Jay Leno

The ratings for Monica Lewinsky�s new show, "Mr. Personality," fell 29 percent from last week. What is it about this womana? Even her ratings go down. -Jay Leno

Taxes

How many have filed their taxes already? You know, President Bush still hasn�t filed his taxes. Not because he�s been too busy. He�s just waiting to see if he can write off Saddam Hussein as a total loss.-Jay Leno

Today was tax day, of course, the one day every American wishes they were an illegal alien. -Jay Leno

It�s tax season! Today is April 15. How many have filed? How many of you are going to jail?-David Letterman

Technically, you�re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated. -Jay Leno

This is the day people are going nuts here, smart people, last minute ... this is the day Americans get to deal with their two favorite government agencies � the IRS and the post office. -Jay Leno

You know what I do to make it a full day? I just drop by the Department of Motor Vehicles. What the hell! Just make the whole day a living hell! -Jay Leno

Sports

Taxes are due � two weeks till your taxes are due. Here�s a little tip � if you own Clippers season tickets, they can be written off as a total loss.-Jay Leno

Baseball is back! I love it. I love the smell of the leather, the pine tar, the resin � and that�s just the hot dogs.-David Letterman

The NCAA finals were last night. Syracuse defeated Kansas by the score of 81 to 78. But the Iraqi Information Minister said Kansas beat Syracuse 1,000 to 9.-Conan O'Brien

"Take Your Daughter to Work Day" is coming up soon, April 26 ... finally, a chance for the Detroit Tigers to win a game.-Jay Leno

Officials at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York, have canceled a celebration of the 15th anniversary of the baseball movie "Bull Durham" because Susan Sarandon has these anti-war, anti-Bush views. I guess the head of the Hall of Fame is an old Reagan guy, I think he was the press secretary, and Tim Robbins sent a letter. Robbins said he "did not realize baseball was a Republican sport." Do you think baseball is a Republican or Democratic sport? It�s got lots of multi-millionaires so it could be Republican; then you've got switch hitters who grab themselves, so it could be Democratic. -Jay Leno

Earlier tonight Michael Jordan played his last game. Everyone in the stands had the same thought. "Oh man, how bad are the Wizards gonna suck next year?�-Jay Leno

Sad note - Michael Jordan played his last game last night. He still looks good. He said he quit because he just doesn�t have the physical skills to compete anymore. That never stopped the Clippers. -Jay Leno

Last night was Michael Jordan�s last NBA game ever � at least for this season.-David Letterman

Robert Cheruiyot from Kenya won the Boston Marathon today. Only one American even finished in the top 10. And he was driving an SUV!-Jay Leno

The NFL draft is coming up this weekend. The Cincinnati Bengals have the first pick again. And if you watched them play last year, you know they earned it.-Jay Leno

Mike Tyson has been granted a license to fight here in California. Are you upset about him fighting here? Let�s be fair, if we can give Nick Nolte and Rodney King a license to drive, we can give Tyson a license to fight. -Jay Leno

Twelve more uniformed men surrendered last night. But enough about the Timberwolves! -Jay Leno