War On Terror

The good news: The Bush administration finally uncovered weapons of mass destruction. The bad news: They're in North Korea. -Jay Leno

North Korea now has nuclear weapons. So do Pakistan, India and Syria. Do we realize they all have nuclear weapons except for Iraq! -Jay Leno

President Bush is taking heat for using bogus intelligence to justify invading Iraq. Bogus intelligence -- wasn't that Bush's nickname at Yale?-Jay Leno

All the TV shows are full of Democrats all furious, criticizing President Bush for the State of the Union Address. They said he exaggerated some of the facts. See, that's something Bill Clinton never did. Clinton never stretched the truth, Clinton never even came close to the truth. -Jay Leno

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced he will fly to the United States next week to meet with President Bush. This way they can get their stories straight.-Jay Leno

Tony Blair addressed Congress today and in a statement today, President Bush said he and Tony Blair have the exact same goal: re-election. -Jay Leno

President Bush is fighting back. President Bush said, "The intelligence I get is darn good intelligence." "Darn good" -- no matter how important an issue is, Bush always sounds like he's in a commercial for barbecue sauce. -Jay Leno

The Operation Iraqi Freedom computer game is now in stores. They say the game is so realistic, you won't be able to find any weapons of mass destruction either! You can play it up to five years without any solution. -Jay Leno

People are upset about President Bush's comment of Iraq buying uranium in the State of the Union Address. President Bush is angry about it too. The reason why is because it took him hours to learn how to pronounce uranium. -David Letterman

We finally got the Hussein boys and President Bush has been gloating about it all week. And why shouldn't he? Finally, he said, some good news I don't have to make up.-Bill Maher

Now those first photos we saw of Uday and Qusay were pretty gruesome. They looked bruised, bloodied, swollen, and just out of habit Kobe Bryant said it was consensual.-Bill Maher

With the bodies of Qusay and Uday officially identified attention turns now to the grieving process. ... Qusay and Uday were beloved by henchman and thug alike. Indeed the entire goon community is in mourning. I think it's fair to say there will be many electrodes tonight that will be flying at half-testicle. -Daily Show Baghdad bureau chief Samantha Bee

The council's (Iraqi Congress) first official act was replacing several official Saddam-themed national holidays with a new one: April 9th, the day Baghdad fell. Iraqis can now look forward to next April's Baghdad Liberation Day sales, which will be advertised as having 'prices so low, it's almost like looting.-Jon Stewart

The White House finally admitted this week the allegation that Iraq was seeking uranium from the African country of Niger was unsupported and came from documents that were forged. Turns out, our president was using information that was faulty at best, and a lie at worst. I can not tell you how much better I feel. Well Iraq, what can we say? Words aren't enough. That's why were sending an FTD 'Sorry we invaded you based on false information from forged documents' bouquet. It's the least we can do.-Jon Stewart

Politics

President Bush still hasn't decided to send troops to Liberia or not. He won't make any decision until he finds out if Liberia is a real place or not.-Conan O'Brien

Experts say it's very unlikely that the Bush administration will commit a large number of troops to Liberia. They say the country's too small to distract the American public from the economy. -Jay Leno

The president has ordered United States Marines to be positioned off the coast of Liberia. He said 'Don't worry, we will not be losing more American lives.' His plan this time is to bypass the war altogether and go straight to the photo op on the deck of the ship.-Bill Maher

Yesterday Dick Cheney had an appointment with his cardiologist for a routine check of his pacemaker. While he was there he had a routine heart attack and two more routine quadruple bypass operations.-Jay Leno

Today in Africa, the Secret Service arrested a guy who made it onto the white house press plane traveling with President Bush, with absolutely no credentials. They think it might have been Geraldo.-Jay Leno

They say the guy pretended to be with the press, even though he had no credentials. The way he got on was there was an empty seat belonging to a New York Times reporter who was pretending to be on the flight. He was in his apartment writing the story.-Jay Leno

Yesterday in the Rose Garden, President George W. Bush staged, as CNN dramatically highlighted, his ninth solo press conference. Notice the emphasis on the word 'solo.' What is Bush, Lindbergh crossing the Atlantic?-Jon Stewart

There is a new book out with all the countries of the world that hate us. I believe it's the world atlas. -Jay Leno

Democratic presidential candidate Dick Gephardt has fallen short of his campaign fund-raising goal by a million dollars. The goal was to raise a million dollars. -Jay Leno

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told a Senate panel that the cost of propping up Iraq could hit $4 billion a month. Wait - did I say Iraq? I meant to say "California."-Jay Leno

Now supporters of Gray Davis are claiming not all the signatures on the recall petitions are valid. They're claiming some of those who signed were brought into the state from elsewhere. Bringing illegals into our state from elsewhere -- I don't think so!!! -Jay Leno

In Germany, an oil delivery guy ruined a house by accidentally pumping 800 gallons of oil into it. Eight hundred gallons -- that's almost enough oil to give President Bush an excuse to invade. We've invaded for less than that. -Jay Leno

Times in this country are tough. We're at war, there's not many new jobs, the economy is bad, and we have a growing deficit. Still the Democrats are asking, "How are we going to beat this guy?"-David Letterman

Up in Chappaqua, Bill Clinton has given lots of his old clothes to a thrift store. You can now go in and buy Bill's old clothes -- or, as they used to be called, evidence.-David Letterman

Jerry Springer

Jerry Springer filed papers to run for the U.S. Senate. He said he'd like to attract people who don't normally vote ... or read ... or bathe ... or brush their tooth.-Jay Leno

How 'bout Jerry Springer? He announced in Ohio he is going to run for senator. Gosh, I wonder if there's anything sleazy in his background ... -Jay Leno

As you know, the Supreme Court made sodomy legal. Jerry will make it mandatory. -Jay Leno

It looks like Jerry Springer is going to run for the Senate from the state of Ohio. The people of Ohio couldn't be prouder! Do you realize if Springer does leave his TV talk show to go to the Senate, he will actually improve the morals of both places. -Jay Leno

Jerry Springer is running for Senate from Ohio. His long-term goal is to bring trashy sex back to the Oval Office. -David Letterman

Jerry Springer is going to run for senate in Ohio. The Democrats think this is great -- it might be the embarrassing sex scandal they've been hoping for! -David Letterman

The Economy

Happy Birthday to President Bush. Turned 57 years old. If you haven't gotten him a gift yet, you can't go wrong with an economic plan. He doesn't have one of those.-Jay Leno

More false information in the president's State of the Union -- it turns out he really doesn't have an economic plan either. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Peter Jennings has announced that he will finally be a U.S. citizen. In a related story, Dan Rather has announced that he is from the planet Trilar.-Conan O'Brien

Woody Allen is featured in a video trying to get Americans to visit France. I don't know if that's going to work. Woody Allen can't get Americans to the movie theater. -Craig Kilborn

Today is O.J. Simpson's birthday. They had a party for him. One embarrassing moment: A woman jumped out of the cake and O.J. stabbed her.-Jay Leno

It's Wednesday, or as Kerry Kennedy Cuomo calls it, "hump day."-Jay Leno

Earlier this week Ed Kelly, the man that introduced America to Cool Whip, passed away. He was laid to rest and then topped with berries. -Conan O'Brien

According to In Touch magazine, before they were celebrities, Bo Derek worked at a fast food fish restaurant, Jon Bon Jovi worked at Burger King, and MC Hammer worked at a car wash ... I'm sorry, that's what he's doing now. I'm sorry. -Jay Leno

A psychiatrist is sueing Mike Tyson for $45,000. They claim that Tyson didn't pay for counseling sessions. This is one time I will defend Mike Tyson. If there is anyone that deserves a refund from a psychiatrist, it is Mike Tyson! -Jay Leno

Madonna is going to star in ads for the Gap. This should be a challenge to her as an actress to ruin something in 30 seconds.-Craig Kilborn

A few days ago Barry White passed away. Today his family scattered his ashes out to sea. Soon after that all the fishes started to get it on.-Craig Kilborn

Popular Culture

Canadian researchers studying Stonehenge say that the stones were initially positioned to represent the female sex organ. That would explain why it's been a mystery to guys for thousands of years.-Jay Leno

You all know what's happening in Pamplona, Spain -- it's the running of the bulls. And the news said it was "marred" by a nude protest of naked women. Is that really marring? A bunch of drunken guys waiting for bulls to run down the street, naked chicks show up: "Oh, this sucks, we're going home." -Jay Leno

A man in Arkansas woke up from a 19-year coma today and started talking. He thinks it's 1984. Which, in Arkansas, is pretty close. He's not that far off. -Jay Leno

A man in Arkansas spent 19 years in a coma before he finally regained consciousness. So there's still hope for Al Gore. There's still a chance. -Jay Leno

The only other person from Arkansas that didn't know what was happening for 19 years was, of course, Hillary Clinton. -Jay Leno

And if you're going to the beach this summer, authorities say you don't have to worry about getting killed by a great white shark. They said that more people are killed by vending machines than by great white sharks. Which raises the question: What are vending machines doing in the ocean?-Jay Leno

The cover of TV Guide is "Tarzan." There's a new Tarzan series -- but in this one Tarzan leaves the jungle and comes to New York City. Kev, do you know why Tarzan left Africa? White guy, couldn't take the heat. Too hot! -Jay Leno

The number one movie this week is Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean." The movie is two hours long -- just like the line at Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean.-Jay Leno

Sharon Osbourne from "The Osbournes" is getting her own daytime talk show. She's getting a daytime talk show on the WB. She says her show's going to have it all: drug addicts, alcoholics, people in rehab, devil worshippers ... and that's just her family.-Jay Leno

McDonald's is going to change the way you order from their drive-up menu. Remember you used to order through the clown's head. Now to place an order they are going to have a touch-screen menu. You touch the screen to order what you want. That's just what I want to do before I eat lunch! Touch something that a million other people have touched.-David Letterman

McDonald's is experimenting with fresh fruit in its Happy Meal. Whenever McDonald's tries anything fresh, they always call it an "experiment." -Jay Leno

This is just an experiment. We're not sure what the long-term effects of fresh fruit are. Please check with your doctor before trying fresh fruit. -Jay Leno

How creepy is this -- a man checked into a hotel in Kansas City, the Capri Hotel, and complained for three days about a foul odor in his room. Turns out there was a dead body under his mattress! How lumpy was that mattress?!-Jay Leno

A man checked into a motel in Kansas City and complained for three days about a foul odor in his room, and they discovered there was a dead body under his mattress. A hotel room with a dead guy in it ... or, as Anna Nicole Smith calls it, a bridal suite.-Jay Leno

And the hotel is showing no sensitivity at all! Now they're trying to charge him for double occupancy.-Jay Leno

A couple in Bethel, Maine, are planning to get married at the dump where they first met. How bad's the food going to be at that wedding? The bride's wearing a veil just to keep the flies off her. They're honeymooning at a sewage plant and eventually hope to settle in the Chernobyl area. -Jay Leno

The Country Music Channel is under fire right now because of a recent video that shows nudity. Actually, people aren't upset by the nudity, they are upset because the artist is Willie Nelson. -Conan O'Brien

Hurricane Claudette is bearing down on Texas from the south. Strong winds! Illegal immigrants are arriving in Texas at speeds of 200 miles per hour.-Jay Leno

Sports

New York City says that the Mets owe the city $4.7 million for the use of the stadium. The Mets on the other hand claim to owe nothing because they haven't played baseball in five years.-Conan O'Brien

Chicago Cubs Coach Dusty Baker is under fire for saying blacks and Hispanics play baseball better in the heat than white guys do. He said, "You don't find too many brothers in cold places like New Hampshire or Maine." Or any of those cold places -- like Chicago! What was that tropical island we went to last year? Detroit? Oh yeah, there's no brothers in Detroit.-Jay Leno

Have you heard about the Pirates player that hit a mascot with a bat in Milwaukee? The same thing happened with some Mets players except they swung and missed. -Conan O'Brien

They questioned the other Italian sausage and he said (in Italian accent): "I don't know what you're talking about. We didn't see nothing. A bat? What bat! What are you, crazy?" -Jay Leno

People get so dehydrated in this heat. In fact, it was so hot in Milwaukee, instead of a sausage race, they had four Slim Jims running around the track. -Jay Leno

In fact, Dusty Baker said, the problem in Milwaukee is that Italian sausages don't run as fast in the heat. -Jay Leno

The NFL is going to start its own 24-hour cable network featuring players, games and stats. This is good because up until now the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of NFL players was Court TV. -Jay Leno

I'm sure you heard, the Lakers signed Karl Malone, "The Mailman." Forget that, they need the "bail bondsman." -Jay Leno

The Lakers have been signing a bunch of players lately. I think it's to make Kobe Bryant harder to pick out in a line-up. -Jay Leno

This is getting stupid. You know Kobe Bryant of the Lakers was arrested in Colorado on sexual assault charges. Kobe was interrogated and grilled for over 12 hours -- and that was by his wife.-Jay Leno

It was so hot today in L.A. In fact it was so hot, Kobe Bryant actually enjoyed being under a cloud of suspicion. -Jay Leno

The Lakers just signed Karl Malone. What is he, 40? This is the Lakers' new strategy -- sign players who are too old to get involved in sex scandals. -Jay Leno

Today the L.A. Clippers got "The Mailman." No, they didn't get Karl Malone, they got an actual mailman, they are that desperate. I said the Clippers. -Craig Kilborn

According to the Associated Press, the Portland Trail Blazers star Damon Stoudamire was arrested Thursday on a drug charge as he was about to board a plane. Sounds like some prison is about to have one helluva pick-up team pretty soon! -Jay Leno

Tonight is the annual Major League All Star Game -- or, as the Mets call it, a nice relaxing night at home. -Conan O'Brien

Rush Limbaugh is joining ESPN's NFL Game Day program this fall. Limbaugh says that the first thing he'll do is blame the Chicago Bears on Hillary Clinton. -Conan O'Brien