War On Terror

A Palestinian suicide bomber blew himself up today in Israel, but didn�t kill anybody else. Just himself. Here�s my question - when he gets up into heaven, does he still get the 72 virgins? Or just a clock radio? "Sorry, Ahmed.� -Jay Leno

Yesterday the Senate Democratic Policy Committee held a hearing to investigate alleged favoritism and price gouging in the contracts being awarded to private companies in the rebuilding of Iraq. Their conclusion: buy Halliburton now!-Jon Stewart

President Bush signed a law that provides $87 billion dollars to provide food, medicine and housing for Iraq. And Syria said 'yoo hoo, oil here, oil over here.-Craig Kilborn

And Saudi Arabia now blaming Al Qaeda for the suicide car bombing that took place over there this weekend. Saudi officials said the government is so angry with Al Qaeda, they may stop sending them money. -Jay Leno

American officials in Iraq are reportedly frustrated with the Iraqi council because instead of making progress they�re fighting about who�s going to be in charge and who�s going to make the most money. Well, we said we wanted to give them American-style democracy � sounds like they�ve already got it.-Jay Leno

The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday that it has found no evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran, leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack.-Tina Fey

Right now, troops in Iraq are using "no holds barred� tactics and going into homes of insurgents. Iraqis are furious and are saying, "We�re being treated like Michael Jackson." -Conan O'Brien

In Iraq, the terrorists are now firing missiles from donkey carts and working on plans for suicide donkeys. I guess these are the high-tech weapons President Bush was talking about. -Jay Leno

Donkey carts are being used to launch the missiles. Today President Bush said, "If we don�t act, that means the donkeys have won." -Jay Leno

Let's say they do use suicide donkeys � now, would that be "weapons of ass destruction"? -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton will be going to Afghanistan for Thanksgiving. She says she's going over to see things for herself. I was thinking, "She couldn't see what was going on in the Oval Office."-David Letterman

Customs agents in Israel have seized over 1,000 Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden dancing dolls because people were upset about them. Now the only dolls available are Tickle Me Arafats. -Conan O'Brien

Politics

According to the "San Francisco Chronicle�, Governor Gray Davis has not ruled out running for governor again in 2006. Talk about a guy who can�t take a hint! Do you think Ben and J. Lo should think about doing "Gigli 2�? -Jay Leno

You know where President Bush was today? Disneyland in Florida. He spoke about his plans for health care. I believe he delivered the address in Fantasyland.-Jay Leno

Down in Washington the Democrats are filibustering and the Republicans say that they are going to filibuster back. So, it�s like a perpetual filibuster. By the way, this is the kind of government we want in Iraq. -David Letterman

Have you heard about this? There is a new protest group called the radical cheerleaders. Female activists who do cheerleading moves at leftwing protests. They do cartwheels and the splits trying to get the attention of the president. Right idea, wrong president. -Jay Leno

You know the difference between Washington and Las Vegas? In Las Vegas the drunks gamble with their money. -Jay Leno

In the December issue of "GQ� magazine, Monica Lewinsky says her dating life has suffered because of her affair with Bill Clinton. To which Clinton said, "Hey join the club!� -Jay Leno

The White House announced that this year the president is going to pardon two turkeys this Thanksgiving. He didn�t issue that many pardons when he was governor of Texas. -Jay Leno

President Bush pardoned two turkeys at the White House so they will not be put to death. Both turkeys were represented by Attorney Mark Geragos. -Jay Leno

Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Of course, the turkey had to donate $100,000 to his re-election campaign first. -David Letterman

Yesterday the Senate passed President Bush's Medicare bill 54-44. And history was made � this is the first time Bush has ever gotten more than 50 percent of the vote. -Jay Leno

The California state Senate voted unanimously not to give driver's licenses to illegal immigrants. You know, I don't think this goes far enough. Look at Nick Nolte, Glen Campbell, Wynonna Judd � I think we should stop giving licenses to celebrities. -Jay Leno

President Bush is going to London on Monday. He�s taking along extra security and Secret Service personnel ... just in case Prince Charles tries anything funny. -Jay Leno

President Bush is in Britain today visiting Tony Blair. Bush said it was cool driving on the wrong side of the road. It reminded him of his college days at Yale. -Jay Leno

I guess the trip is going well. One embarrassing moment. When British Prime Minister Tony Blair asked if Bush would like to see the English Channel, Bush said: "You ought to get a satellite dish. We get over 500 channels." -Jay Leno

As you know, President Bush is in Great Britain as we speak. Right before he got off the plane, he asked somebody, "Did this state vote for me or Al Gore in 2000?" -Jay Leno

President Bush is in England right now. Today he met with Queen Elizabeth, the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles, Prince William ... then President Bush made a royal faux pas when he said, "OK, which one of you is the one that�s gayer than a tangerine?" -Craig Kilborn

President Bush is in England. The trip has gone well. He says that he if he has time he would also like to visit Great Britain and the United Kingdom as well. -Jay Leno

President Bush and Queen Elizabeth have much in common. Both of them came to power unelected.-David Letterman

President Bush is back in the U.S. after his trip to England. He said he was looking forward to getting back to loved ones � like the reporters at Fox News. -Conan O'Brien

More tension between Britain and America. While Bush was staying at Buckingham Palace his three helicopters ruined the lawn and the wind from the blades ruined the flowers. The queen is upset that Bush ruined the landscape around the palace. And today Saddam Hussein said "tell me about it. You ought to see what he did to my palace.� -Jay Leno

Mexico President Vicente Fox was in Phoenix, Arizona, giving a speech where he told Americans it�s time to reform immigration laws and make it easier for his people to legally cross the border. What could possibly make it any easier - moving sidewalks? What do you want, bus fare? -Jay Leno

President Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gray Davis visited the fire-damaged areas yesterday. Bush empathized with residents, saying he can�t imagine what it�s like to have lost everything. And Gray Davis said, "I can. I can really relate!" -Jay Leno

Bush said the devastation was terrible - what a shame all those trees were destroyed before logging companies could cut them down. -Jay Leno

Bush said that, on the bright side, with all those annoying trees out of the way, now we can drill for oil. -Jay Leno

More bad news for President Bush. According to a new survey in "Newsweek� magazine just out this week, fifty percent of Americans would not vote to re-elect President Bush. To be fair, is that really bad news? Fifty percent didn�t vote for him last time either! -Jay Leno

And former Vice President Al Gore gave a blistering speech where he accused President Bush of undermining civil liberties. Well it wasn�t really a blistering speech, he was in his backyard pretending the rake was a microphone. -Jay Leno

On Sunday, Al Gore called for the repeal of the U.S. Patriot Act and accused President Bush's administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac. -Tina Fey

Today at Arlington Cemetery, to commemorate Veterans Day, President Bush laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. I know that�s a tradition, but can�t we give veterans a little something better than a wreath? Like maybe health care? Hello? -Jay Leno

Everyone�s doing their part, of course, for our veterans today. Even on Hollywood Boulevard, I thought this was a nice touch, the hookers are offering the Veterans Day special. Twenty-five dollars to check your privates � I think that�s a fabulous deal.-Jay Leno

President Bush had Thanksgiving dinner with the troops in Baghdad. It was $1,000 a plate. -David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start � at least we know where his hands are now.-Jay Leno

Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Allred jumped in: "While you have your hand on the Bible, I�d like to ask you a few questions." -Jay Leno

I thought Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a great speech. It was about 10 minutes long. I think he said more words in that speech than all his movies put together. It was his first talkie. -Jay Leno

Arnold told the people of California that "I will never forget you." Unless I groped you, then I won�t remember you at all. I won�t have any memory of you. -Jay Leno

The Democratic Candidates

Have you been watching the Democratic debates? You know what those are for? It's to narrow the field down to one guy who will eventually lose to George W. Bush. -David Letterman

Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy � but now I know this guy is presidential material. -David Letterman

Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is taking a lot of flak for his comment saying he wants to be the candidate for guys waving Confederate flags on the back of their pickup trucks. Dean now says he regrets any pain his comments about the Confederate flag may have caused. And he said he means it and he�s not just whistling Dixie. -Jay Leno

Here�s something kind of exciting. Marine divers have located a Civil War shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean. And at first they were confused, you know. When they found this ship with the Confederate flag on it, they thought, "Oh my God, Howard Dean�s yacht had sunk." They didn�t realize what it was.-Jay Leno

In his new book, "Winning Back America," Howard Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how when he was younger he would get drunk. So, let me get this straight � he had rich parents, got drunk a lot, went to prep schools and avoided Vietnam. He�s not the alternative to George W. Bush � he IS George W. Bush. -Jay Leno

As part of his education plan, over the weekend presidential candidate Howard Dean announced plans to spend $110 billion on young children. That breaks Michael Jackson's record. -Jay Leno

Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says that he stopped drinking twenty-two years ago and hasn�t touched a drop or alcohol since. On the other hand today Senator Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily. Manischewitz. -Jay Leno

Democratic front-runner Howard Dean is being called a hero � he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa, one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since Dean is a doctor, he ran over and treated him until an ambulance came. He�s not the only candidate to help � since he�s a trial lawyer, John Edwards then chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital. -Jay Leno

Last night in the Democrats' presidential debate John Kerry and Howard Dean both admitted to having used marijuana. Also admitting to using marijuana was Al Sharpton�s barber. -Conan O'Brien

In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal.-David Letterman

Only six candidates showed up in person at the Democratic presidential debate in Iowa. Only six � that's three more people than actually watched the debate. -Jay Leno

Did you watch the Democrats' debate in Iowa last night? At one point Al Sharpton got loud about Medicare and John Edwards said, "Shhhhh � you�ll wake the people up." -Conan O'Brien

Democratic candidate General Wesley Clark said today he has a plan for catching Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? He can�t even catch Howard Dean. What are you talking about? Please. -Jay Leno

Clark says he has plans to deploy Saudi Arabian commandos to catch the terrorists. The only problem is the Saudi Arabian commandos ARE the terrorists. -Jay Leno

And speaking of presidential candidates, John Kerry�s on the show tonight. He fired his campaign manager yesterday, which surprised me. I thought for sure his hair stylist would be the first to go, but no. -Jay Leno

See, I like Kerry; he�s a big motorcycle guy. If he wins the election he�ll be the first president to ride a hog since Bill Clinton. -Jay Leno

The Democratic presidential race is heating up. Big news yesterday when John Kerry fired his campaign manager. The campaign manager was fired after he was overheard saying, "Which one is John Kerry again?"-Conan O'Brien

John Kerry fired his campaign manager yesterday after a poll revealed that if the election were held today, Kerry would lose to his campaign manager. -Craig Kilborn

The president�s trip to England is tomorrow. This has just got the White House guys going crazy. I saw footage of them, they�re learning how to bow before the queen. Practicing saying "Your Highness," learning how to act in front of royalty ... no, I�m sorry, those are Democrats in Iowa when Hillary Clinton showed up. -Jay Leno

As you know, some Democrats are talking seriously about Hillary Clinton running for president in 2004. I don�t think they�re serious ... I think they�re just trying to get Rush Limbaugh to go back on drugs. -Jay Leno

The Law

We had a scary incident here in Los Angeles. You probably saw this on your local news. A lawyer shot outside a courthouse while the hearing for Robert Blake was going on inside. Police said it was totally unrelated to the Blake incident, although out of force of habit, Blake did run back to the courthouse to get his gun. -Jay Leno

They caught the whole thing on videotape. He kept shooting and missing from 3 feet away. At first they thought it was one of the Clippers. -Jay Leno

The gunman kept trying to shoot the lawyer from around the tree, which I�m surprised he could find a tree in L.A. That wasn�t on fire on Friday. -Jay Leno

That guy�s lucky he didn�t accidentally hit the tree - environmentalist groups would be after him - he�d be in real trouble. -Jay Leno

They have it on video! Or, as we call that in L.A., circumstantial evidence. -Jay Leno

You remember John Hinkley, Jr.? The idiot who shot Ronald Reagan. His lawyer is asking for unsupervised visits outside of the psychiatric hospital. The lawyer says that unsupervised visits are the next step in his treatment. He shot the president! Why does a guy who shot a president have a next step? -Jay Leno

John Hinkley is now asking that he be able to make unsupervised visits. Although he said, there are so many nuts out there, I�d like to carry a gun for protection. -Jay Leno

The judge ruled yesterday that there will be no damages in the lawsuit between Rosie O�Donnell and her former magazine publisher. The judge said if he wanted to see millionaires bicker and fight, he�d watch the Lakers.-Jay Leno

In Orlando, the last of four people convicted of stealing moon rocks from a NASA safe and trying to sell them has been sentenced to 8 years in prison. These have to be the dumbest thieves ever. Who�s not gonna know that a moon rock is stolen? "Me and my friend Larry, we got these�..� -Jay Leno

There�s this trial that just got done in Texas. To summarize it, there was a guy who caught someone breaking into his apartment. He shoots the man breaking in, killing him. He then dismembers the man�s body with a knife and dumps the parts into a river. Then he admits that he did it. The jury then finds him not guilty. Even O.J. was outraged. -David Letterman

News from the legal world. Today the Massachusetts highest court ruled that gays should be allowed to marry. Their grounds for the finding was why should starights be the only miserable ones? -David Letterman

A judge ruled DNA found in Scott Peterson�s boat is admissible. This could be something new in a California trial � evidence. Mark Geragos accused the prosecution of playing the evidence card.-Jay Leno

A 68 year old woman is suing a Bob�s Big Boy restaurant in Florida claiming she has post traumatic stress disorder after a mouse in the restaurant scampered up her arm. The restaurant manager was extremely embarrassed; he said this is the first time a mouse has ever gotten out of the fryer.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Congratulations to P. Diddy. He finished the New York City Marathon for charity. He ran for charity. He finished in 4 hours and 14 minutes. Okay, he was in his Lincoln Navigator�. -Jay Leno

Over the weekend P. Diddy ran in the New York City Marathon. He finished the race in 4 hours and 15 minutes. To give you and idea � he ran longer than NBC�s "Coupling�. -Craig Kilborn

Over the weekend the New York City Marathon was held. Rapper Shawn "P. Diddy� Colmes ran in the marathon and finished in four hours and fifteen minutes. Experts say that this is the first time in history that a rapper wore a track suit for a reason. -Conan O'Brien

In a new interview with Barbara Walters airing for ABC's "20/20", Martha Stewart said that she believes she will be exonerated. So she�s still getting inside information.-Jay Leno

In a new interview with Barbara Walters airing for ABC's "20/20," Martha Stewart said she doesn�t know why people hate her. She said that if a man had the same traits she had he wouldn�t be considered a bitch ... until he went to prison. -Jay Leno

Martha Stewart was on "20/20� Friday night with Barbara Walters, she said she has been hurt by things people say about her and she doesn�t understand why people hate her. And she said if she is acquitted, she will hunt these people down and crush them. -Jay Leno

Here's something I thought was very nice. A report today that Martha Stewart dropped off a turkey at the prosecutor's office ... no, I'm sorry � She just drove by and flipped them the bird. That's what happened. I had it backwards. -Jay Leno

Singer Meatloaf was rushed to a London hospital after the stage he performing on collapsed. Meatloaf will be fine � but the stage won�t be able to be fixed. -Conan O'Brien

According to the tabloid newspaper the Star, Demi and Ashton could be engaged soon. They say she wants an engagement ring for Christmas and he wants a sled.-Jay Leno

Apparently you�re all aware of this story, rumors are swirling all over England that Prince Charles was caught by a staff member at an alleged homosexual encounter with another man. But Prince Charles says the whole thing was a misunderstanding, he says the guy was just bowing to him�you know, over and over.-Jay Leno

I guess you all heard those rumors about Prince Charles, the rumors of the homosexual affair. Boy, would you want to be a prince? It seems like a royal pain in the ass. -Jay Leno

Actually, Prince Charles is fighting back. He is now disputing these rumors that he�s gay. In fact, today in London he released a video of himself nailing Paris Hilton.-Jay Leno

As you know, Prince Charles is battling with these allegations that he had a homosexual affair. He has decided to go with the Arnold strategy. He's investigating himself to see if he's gay. -Jay Leno

I understand Prince Charles met with an archbishop, who suggested just transferring Prince Charles to a different parish.-Jay Leno

The big movie opening this week is about the British navy called "Master and Commander." I�m sorry ... that�s the name of the secret love game Prince Charles plays with his butler. -Jay Leno

And the royal family is very upset about this. They say that�s not how they wanted Charles to go down in history. -Jay Leno

Rush Limbaugh announced he's going back to work on Monday. Doctors say his rehab was successful, but it could be weeks before he's 100 percent self-righteous.-Jay Leno

His housekeeper got him over 30,000 illegal pain killers. He�d take one after every meal. That�s what the problem was.-David Letterman

Rush Limbaugh went back to work today. Rush said that the five weeks he spent in rehab were the best weeks of his life. And Democrats say the five weeks he was off were the best weeks of their lives too. -Jay Leno

He said the rehab process was "wonderful." Of course, that�s because when you�re rich you don�t have to go through the whole "being arrested" process. -Jay Leno

Yesterday, after five weeks of drug rehab, Rush Limbaugh went back to work doing his radio show. He said just because he was doing something that was contradictory to what he was telling other people to do, it doesn�t mean he�s a hypocrite. I thought that was the definition of a hypocrite. -Jay Leno

He told his radio audience he never lied to the public, he lied to himself. And today Bill Clinton said, "This guy is good." -Jay Leno

Hey, Kev, you know what Rush Limbaugh had for thanksgiving? Cold turkey.-Jay Leno

A celebrity birthday today. Mickey Mouse turns 75. Mickey Mouse has made $4.5 billion, more than any other fictional character � except for Oprah. -David Letterman

So far we have Robert Blake charged with murder, Phil Spector charged with murder, Scott Peterson charged with murder, in fact today, O.J. Simspon said, " I got out of L.A. Just in time. This place isn�t safe for murderers anymore.� -Jay Leno

Yesterday Lyle Menendez got married in prison. Boy you thought the strippers were ugly at your bachelor party. -Jay Leno

Anna Nicole Smith has dropped 80 pounds. Apparently the ham she was eating slipped out of her hands and onto the couch.-Conan O'Brien

I was almost late for work today. I was riding with Jessica Simpson and had to wait for the stop sign to turn green. -Craig Kilborn

According to the New York Post, Paris Hilton is in at least 10 sex videos. But apparently her porn name was London Marriott.-Jay Leno

Call me old-fashioned, but I remember when weekend in Paris meant taking the Concord. -Jay Leno

Paris Hilton is going to record an album. Which makes sense because right now she has the number one video. -Conan O'Brien

Actor Johnny Depp was named "Sexiest Man Alive� by "People� magazine. In a related story Michael Jackson was named "Sexiest Man Alive� by "Creepy� magazine.-David Letterman

Sixty-seven-year-old singer Glen Campbell was busted for drunk driving in Arizona. Campbell hit a Toyota with his BMW, which I think is the first hit he's had since the early '70s. -Jay Leno

Extreme drunk driving. In fact, when he took the Breathalyzer it registered Nick Nolte. -Jay Leno

I'm having what we call a celebrity criminal Thanksgiving. I'm having Michael Jackson pick out a nice young tom turkey for us; Phil Spector's going to shoot it, Kobe Bryant's going to stuff it and Glen Campbell's going to baste it.-Jay Leno

Michael Jackson

Court TV reports that a 12-year-old boy has accused Michael Jackson of sexual abuse. Michael says he�s got an alibi, but it sounds kind of fishy. He claims that at the time in question he was with a 13-year-old boy. -Jay Leno

Police are searching the Neverland Ranch looking for anything unusual. They found something unusual � like a girl. -Jay Leno

I guess you heard the big story - the Jackson 5 is getting back together. Well, it�s just for the police lineup, but hey!-Jay Leno

As you know, federal agents raided Michael Jackson�s Neverland Ranch out in Santa Barbara yesterday. If he�s not careful, this is the sort of thing that people might start to think he�s peculiar. -David Letterman

Michael Jackson�s spokesman said that he had no comment because he didn�t know what the raid was about � well, that makes him the only one.-David Letterman

Federal agents raided Michael Jackson�s home yesterday and found something frightening and unexpected � Jermaine. -Craig Kilborn

Police had a warrant to arrest Michael Jackson, but they arrested Diana Ross by mistake. -Jay Leno

I guess Michael was arrested under that new law: three tykes and you�re out. -Jay Leno

Michael Jackson turned himself in today. His bail was set at $3 million because he is considered a flight risk. Well, sure, if he runs off, he could fit right in anywhere. -David Letterman

Today Michael Jackson surrendered to police. He was booked and they took his fingerprints. Afterwards the police said that this was the first time that Michael�s fingers had looked black in years. -Conan O'Brien

Michael Jackson was arrested today. You know, the interesting thing is that this all could have been avoided if he would have stuck to grabbing his own crotch. -Craig Kilborn

Attorney Mark Geragos defending both Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson. See here�s how it works - Geragos takes the guys who are even too guilty for Johnnie Cochran!!! -Jay Leno

Today on the news they were interviewing Michael Jackson�s personal magician. He has a full-time job at the Neverland Ranch making all the evidence disappear. -Jay Leno

God bless him Michael said he�s going to fight these charges "tooth and nail.� Because those are the only original body parts he has left. -Jay Leno

The big story continues to be the Michael Jackson scandal. Michael Jackson met with his priest today. Not for spiritual advice. They went on a double date. -Jay Leno

Apparently radio stations have stopped playing Michael Jackson�s records. To which Michael said, "Now I know how Latoya feels.� -Jay Leno

According to a recent Gallup poll 17% of people have a favorable opinion of Jackson. Which puts him ahead of 8 of 9 Democratic candidates running for president. -Jay Leno

In Vegas, Michael Jackson eluded fans by dressing as an elderly woman. Tito, Jermaine and Latoya Jackson eluded fans by dressing as Tito, Jermaine and Latoya Jackson. -Jay Leno

Is it really necessary for Michael Jackson to elude fans by dressing as an elderly woman? If Michael Jackson wants to fool everyone, all he has to do is dress as an adult male. -Jay Leno

Here's the latest on Michael Jackson. Big news � it's being reported that those closest to Michael are urging him to use an insanity defense. Michael says that he is against this and so is his herd of llamas. -Conan O'Brien

Authorities are now investigating over 100 new leads on Michael Jackson. Good thing for Michael this is going on in California, otherwise this could lead to jail time.-Craig Kilborn

McDonald�s

McDonald�s is upset because Webster�s Collegiate Dictionary defines a "McJob" as "a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement." I guess the Webster�s people thought they could get away with this because what were the chances of someone from McDonald�s actually looking at a dictionary? -Jay Leno

McDonald�s is coming out with a line of children�s clothing. Those should be pretty stylish. After all, these are the same people that dressed Ronald McDonald.-Jay Leno

McDonald�s also announced they�re coming out with a line of children�s clothing called "McKids." Don�t worry, it will have that great McDonald�s smell built into the fabric.-Jay Leno

That is a brilliant strategy. What a smart company they are. First they make the kids so fat their clothes don�t fit anymore, then they sell you new clothes, and a week later they need even bigger clothes.-Jay Leno

McDonald�s is selling a new toy for $19.95, the "McFlurry Maker." Now kids can make their own McFlurries at home. No more riding bikes to McDonald�s and burning all those calories. You can sit in your bedroom and lard up at home. -Jay Leno

McDonald�s is also coming out with its own line of clothes for kids. Hey, Kev, you know what Michael Jackson calls a kid wearing McDonald clothes? A Happy Meal! -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Sprint has announced that its customers will soon be able to watch television on their cell phones. Well, that should cut down on traffic accidents. Idiots in high-speed chases: "Hey, I�m watching myself!"-Jay Leno

Here�s something interesting. Discount broker guru Charles Schwab, you know the Schwab guy? Big broker guy? He revealed this week he is dyslexic. How scary is that? All this time he�s telling you to buy, he really meant sell. -Jay Leno

Here is something amazing. British surgeons say they are just months away from the world�s first face transplant. They get the face from a cadaver. The only drawback is you walk around with this deadpan look all the time. It�s great if you�re a poker player, that�d be fabulous. -Jay Leno

A Turkish woman has been arrested for keeping her husband locked in the bathroom naked for the past three years. Is that really the worst thing to do to a guy, lock them in the bathroom alone? You slide a pizza and a newspaper under the door, that�s most guys� idea of a vacation. -Jay Leno

Do you know what the worst part was? Not only did the wife lock him in a bathroom for three years, but she wouldn�t let him use the guest towels, either. -Jay Leno

This is the 2oth anniversary of Hooter�s restaurant chain. Twenty years, have you noticed business is starting to sag a little? -Jay Leno

You can tell it's November sweeps by the movies: NBC had "Saving Jessica Lynch," CBS had an Elizabeth Smart movie, I understand Fox is trying to get the rights to the Paris Hilton story. -Jay Leno

According to variety, NBC is planning a miniseries about the final showdown between God and Satan based on the Book of Revelations. I don�t know, is Hollywood really the best place for a showdown between God and Satan? Because in Hollywood, Satan has home court advantage. -Jay Leno

The other day an American, a Russian and a Spaniard landed back on earth after orbit in a space capsule. Experts say that this is the beginning to a really good joke. -David Letterman

Tonight on CBS they had the Andy Griffith reunion show. Everyone was there ... Gomer, Goober, Andy, Barney, Opie, Floyd � no, wait, those are the Democrat presidential candidates. -David Letterman

There�s a new report saying that the disease that President Franklin Roosevelt had may not have been polio. How bad was his HMO? Getting the test results back 58 years after you�re dead. "Good news Mr. President, you might not have had polio.� -Jay Leno

A cocaine dealer in Texas won $5 million in the lotto, but had to give the money back because he bought the ticket with drug money. So let that be a lesson to everybody - keep the drug money and the gambling money separate. -Jay Leno

New show premiered on NBC Monday night called "Average Joe�. A group of sixteen dorky, geeky guys try to win the heart of a former NFL cheerleader. Sixteen dorks trying to get a date with a cheerleader. This is nothing new, we already have that, it�s called high school. -Jay Leno

You know what's scary about this show? If those guys are "average", that means half the men in America are even dorkier than that. -Jay Leno

In the South, a chain of Christian health clubs has opened. The motto of the health chain is "What would Jesus bench?"-Conan O'Brien

According to a new book called "The Human Resources Guide to Worker Web Use," surfing the Internet at work leads to less stress, better time management and sharper skills. Which they say are the three most important things you�ll need when your boss fires you. -Jay Leno

The third installment of "The Matrix" came out. I�m not going to give away the story because I couldn�t figure out the story! -Jay Leno

Here�s what I don�t understand about "The Matrix" � all the humans do not have human names. There�s no Bob, there�s no Joe, there�s no Mike. They�re all Morphious, Neo, Trinity, The Architect, The Oracle. But the robot, his name is Smith.-Jay Leno

The third and final "Matrix" movie opened all over the world on Wednesday, opened all over the world the same day. What they found out was people in other countries who couldn�t speak English could watch this movie and be just as confused as we are.-Jay Leno

Have you seen the new "Matrix" movie? People that have seen it a couple of times are claiming that there are 22 errors in the movie. There�s 23 if you count paying $10 a ticket to see it. -David Letterman

The new movie "Master and Commander" � have you seen it? It�s a terrific movie. It takes place in 1805 when a British ship battles a French ship that�s bigger, faster, better armed, but the French still lose. So not much has changed in 200 years.-Jay Leno

Domino�s Pizza announced they delivered over 1 and a half million pizzas on Halloween night. No wonder we�re the fattest people on the planet. We�re eating pizza while handing out candy to overweight kids. -Jay Leno

Have you seen ads for this new stupid thing, the Black & Decker "Gizmo Grater�? It�s a motorized cheese grater so you can grate cheese and chocolate onto your food at the dinner table. How lazy are we now that we need power tools just to eat? What�s next the power fork? -Jay Leno

KFC is being criticized for their new ad campaign that touts the health benefits of fried chicken. They want you to believe that fried chicken is good for you. Oh yeah, I think that�s true. Most health food is served in a bucket. -Jay Leno

Here's a strange story � in El Paso, Texas, border officials caught a man trying to smuggle in 750 pounds of bologna from Mexico. The bologna was disguised as the back seat of a pickup truck and the guy sat on it all the way from Mexico. How fat are we getting in this country when drug cartels realize there's more money sneaking in luncheon meat into America than cocaine? -Jay Leno

Here's an odd story � at a Tennessee Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony, a Klansman shot a gun straight up in the air, the bullet came back down and struck a Klansman on the top of the head and exited through the bottom of his skull. Luckily he was in the Klan so the brain was not considered a vital organ. -Jay Leno

The Center for Disease Control has announced that syphilis is up for the second year in a row with most of the increase in western states like California. They blame it on three things - "Temptation Island�, "Joe Millionaire� and "The Bachelor�. -Jay Leno

Here�s some big news. The brewery that makes Pabst Blue Ribbon is for sale. Several corporations may purchase Pabst, or have their older brother buy it for them. -Conan O'Brien

Some good news in education. According to a report by the Modern Language Association, more students than ever are studying a foreign language. The bad news � the foreign language is English.-Jay Leno

Wal-Mart has announced that they will be opening up a diversity center. They are going to try and reach out to American-born workers. -Jay Leno

And speaking of England, a British firm is suing an adult entertainment company, because the stripper they sent over for their big party weighted 280 pounds. They got a 280-pound stripper. Hey it could have been worse. She could have been a lap dancer. -Jay Leno

And a British company is suing an adult entertainment firm for sending a 280-pound stripper to their party. And they really got mad because after she jumped out of the cake she ate it. -Jay Leno

A dairy farm in Minnesota has cows that are producing milk with caffeine in it. Is that a good idea? Aren�t we wired enough already? Now we have caffeinated milk for our Starbucks coffee. What is the goal here � to eliminate sleep entirely?! -Jay Leno

A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that the teens don�t want to be a bad influence on their kids. -Craig Kilborn

In a series of new ads, KFC claims that eating fried chicken can be part of a healthy and balanced diet, Miller Lite points out their beer is low in carbohydrates, and in another new ad, Mars claims eating their CocoaVia chocolate snacks on a daily basis can help reduce cholesterol by 10 percent. See, this is why Americans are fat. Our health foods are fried chicken, beer and chocolate.-Jay Leno

If you�re from out of town, I have to tell you that it�s much warmer than usual here. We�re having an Indian summer here in New York City. An Indian summer is just like a regular summer except with legalized gambling. -David Letterman

I don�t understand this, but an Internet company is now offering a service where you can send people e-mails after you�re dead. For ten dollars this company will send an e-mail to whoever you want after you�re dead. What if they don�t? How do you get your money back? How do you know? You�re lying there dead going, "That son of a ..." Who wants to get e-mails from dead people? How creepy is that? -Jay Leno

And finally, there�s no end to things people do, this was in the paper today. A 23-year-old woman in Salt Lake City tried to sell her breast milk through a newspaper ad. She was asking a dollar an ounce. Two dollars if you wanted fresh squeezed. -Jay Leno

The U.S. Army discharged two gay translators this week. Gay translators? I didn�t even know they had their own language. No wonder I can never understand those Broadway plays. I needed a translator. -Jay Leno

This week is the 76th anniversary of the opening of the Holland Tunnel. The tunnel opened in 1927. Now you can go to New Jersey without being seen. -David Letterman

The Reagans Miniseries

CBS is considering whether or not to air a miniseries called "The Reagans� which depicts the White House family as drug users and sex fiends. I say they run it and just call it "The Clintons�. -Craig Kilborn

They�re moving it to Showtime - so apparently you can libel and slander someone, as long as it�s on cable. -Jay Leno

CBS has cancelled "The Reagans� miniseries saying it is unfit for network television. The miniseries will now be moved over to ABC. -Craig Kilborn

A frightened CBS has decided to drop their Ronald Reagan miniseries after claims by Republicans it has historical inaccuracies. That�s what I love about Washington � it�s okay to make up stories about weapons of mass destruction and the war in Iraq but make up dialogue in a TV series, now you�ve gone too far. -Jay Leno

Did you hear CBS�s new slogan? "Don�t change the channel ... we�ll change the program." -Jay Leno

You�ve got to feel sorry for James Brolin, the actor who plays Reagan. He�s bossed around by conservatives at work and ordered around by a liberal at home. -Jay Leno

Here�s something that I don�t get. The CBS miniseries on Ronald Reagan has been pulled because it is too controversial. That�s too controversial, but they had no problem with the Hitler movie? -David Letterman

I guess you heard CBS is taking the Reagans off the network and putting it on Showtime where less people will see it. Republicans say that�s not enough. Put it on the CBS morning show.-Jay Leno

The mini-series "The Reagans� will be on Showtime on cable. Oh great. Now we�re going to see the Reagans naked. -Jay Leno

CBS has canceled its miniseries "The Reagans" after complaints that it portrayed Ronald Reagan as nothing more than a bumbling B-list actor controlled by a domineering wife. What were the odds of James Brolin getting a role like that? -Jay Leno

John Hinkley Jr. is supposed to have a hearing this week as to whether he should be allowed to have unsupervised trips outside of his mental institution. Hinkley said he wants to get out so he can go to a screening of the CBS Reagan movie because he heard he comes off better in it than Reagan did. -Jay Leno

Well you know about that right? CBS cancelled that Reagan miniseries. But CBS said they did not cave in to pressure from conservatives, oh no. Now I know what the b.s. in CBS stands for! -Jay Leno

CBS cancelled its miniseries on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called 'historical inaccuracies.' The RNC also objected to the networks unflattering look at George Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference. -Tina Fey

Sports

The Lakers played last night. Shaq blocked 3 shots, 2 of them Kobe�s.-Jay Leno

How �bout those Lakers?! They won again last night. Lakers are now 4-0. And Kobe had a great game. Scored 31 points, had 7 rebounds, 1 steal and no arrests. -Jay Leno

Lakers are looking pretty good this season. I can�t wait �til they play Cleveland and Lebron James. Finally Kobe can go one on one with somebody just out of high school and not get arrested for it. -Jay Leno

Kobe Bryant made a brief appearance in court this week in Eagle, Colorado, where he was formally made aware of the charges against him. He was in and out in five minutes. Kind of like that night in the hotel. -Jay Leno

Other sports news � today Major League Baseball announced they will conduct mandatory testing for steroids next season, after more than 5 percent of the players tested positive this year. Do you know what they call the 5 percent of the players who tested positive? The All Stars. -Jay Leno

The Kansas City Chiefs had been undefeated. They were the top team in football. They got beat 24-19 by the Cincinnati Bengals. Imagine losing to the Bengals in football. This is like losing to Jessica Simpson on "Jeopardy"! -Jay Leno

The International Olympic Committee has changed their rules, now allowing people that have had sex changes to compete. These people will all be competing in a brand new event called "What the hell is that?" -Conan O'Brien

Anybody see that game? USC beat UCLA 47-22! Forty-seven twenty-two! That�s like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.-Jay Leno