War On Terror

Let's see what's going on in the Middle East -- the latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to 7 minutes.-Jay Leno

Happy February, everyone. February is the shortest month of the year, especially if your name is Saddam.-Jay Leno

Here's an important programming reminder right here on CBS. War with Iraq will premier this Sunday night immediately following "Becker."-David Letterman

Experts are saying that the U.S. will invade Iraq by mid-March. When asked why the attack will happen then, President Bush said this was all part of his big plan to surprise the Iraqis while they are drunk on Saint Patty�s Day. -Conan O'Brien

The U.S. is offering a safe haven for Saddam Hussein to go into exile. See, if Saddam decides to go into exile the United States will protect and pay for him and his family. It's the same deal that the Democrats worked out with Al Gore. -David Letterman

There are reports that Saddam Hussein may go into exile to a castle in Libya with ten million dollars. President Bush is trying to decide whether to nuke him or to give him a tax cut. -Craig Kilborn

Osama bin Laden has a new audiotape out. On the tape he says that this year he plans on dying and martyring himself. Let's hope he has better luck at killing himself than we've had! -David Letterman

Have you seen this Muslim cleric on TV, the guy's name is Abu Hamas. The guy's got one eye and two hooks for hands. He's got one eye and two hooks and he's on TV and he says all the bad things that happened to America are signs from God. He says it's God's way of punishing us. Really? What does he call having one eye and two hooks for hands?-Jay Leno

Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up? -Jay Leno

Luckily, France and Germany still say they are still our allies. You know, the same way Bill and Hillary are husband and wife. -Jay Leno

Turkey, one of our allies of evil, are now saying that they will cooperate in the war against Iraq, but only if we give it financial aid. They really don't want to fight but need the paycheck. Kind of like Mike Tyson. -Jay Leno

Good news on the situation with Iraq: It seems Mexico is finally coming over to the U.S. side. In fact, this marks the first time Mexico has come over to the U.S. side without actually coming over to the U.S. side.-Jay Leno

Apparently there is a problem with a bunch of tanks in the armed forces. Due to a manufacturer mistake, the tanks only go in reverse and won�t go forward. The tanks only go in reverse. They are now being repackaged and sold to France. -Craig Kilborn

The admiral in charge of the USS Kitty Hawk battle group has been relieved of his command for having sex with a female officer. Finally � an American military action the French can approve of.-Jay Leno

In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education -- anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing. He finally comes up with a domestic agenda -- and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.-Jay Leno

The armed forces are going to let members of the media accompany them while in combat in Iraq. This is all part of "Operation Get Rid of Geraldo.� -Conan O'Brien

It�s now being reported that Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons in public schools in Iraq. And here�s the amazing part � their schools still have fewer weapons than L.A. schools. -Jay Leno

President Bush said protesters will not stop him from going to war with Iraq. Well, duh! Losing the popular vote didn�t stop him from becoming president, why would it stop him from going to war? -Jay Leno

Miss Germany 2003 said today if it�ll avert war she is willing to have a peace date with Saddam Hussein. For years beauty contestants have been saying "I want world peace.� Finally we got one ready to put her money where her mouth is. -Jay Leno

The European Union told Saddam Hussein today that he has "one last chance." You know, until his next last chance.-Jay Leno

You got to feel bad for President Bush. He�s getting upset with the U.N dragging their feet over attack on Iraq. He wants to be able to wipe them out before his one-term presidency is up. -Jay Leno

It looks like the United Nations is drawing up another resolution to send to Saddam Hussein. I think this is like the 300th one we've sent. Apparently the U.N. has a secret weapon to kill Hussein � it's called old age. -Jay Leno

President Bush says that we don't need approval from the U.N. to go to war. No approval? Hell, he didn't need approval from American voters either.-David Letterman

Iraq agreed "in principle" to destroy their missiles. You know why they said "in principle"? It sounds better than "in your dreams."-Jay Leno

Here�s something to be proud of here at CBS. Saddam Hussein is going to be interviewed by CBS anchor Dan Rather. Saddam is weird but he�s also fascinating. In the interview he claims that he�s only had two nose jobs! -David Letterman

News from Iraq � CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, "It�s not so bad."-Conan O'Brien

Saddam Hussein has given an exclusive interview to Dan Rather on "60 Minutes� in which he said he has no intention of leaving, stepping down or going into exile. He said he'd rather die than leave. Just like the cast of "60 Minutes."-Jay Leno

I guess you know the big interview last night on Dan Rather, Saddam Hussein. In his interview said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we agree on: He'd rather die and we'd rather kill him, so it works out nicely. -Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein also challenged Bush to a debate. That would be something to see, huh? The butcher of Baghdad versus the butcher of the English language. -Jay Leno

You know the saddest thing about the Saddam Hussein interview? He came across more normal than Michael Jackson and Robert Blake. -Jay Leno

Homeland Security

Earlier today Homeland Security officials said everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect their house in the event of a terrorist attack. Who came up with this idea, MacGyver? -Jay Leno

Our department of Homeland Security is asking civilians to develop emergency plans for a terrorist attack, so basically what we've done here is we've created the Department of Homeland Security to tell us we're screwed, we're on our own.-Jay Leno

As you know, we're at Level Orange, which is High Alert. Orange alert? Doesn't that sound like some new fruit drink with extra caffeine?-Jay Leno

As you all know, we are on Orange Alert for terror. The federal government recommends that all Americans have a three-day supply of food in case of attack. In a related story -- Anna Nicole Smith purchased a whole Costco today. -Conan O'Brien

I guess you know our Homeland Security director, Tom Ridge, is now downgrading the alert. Remember last week it was duct tape and plastic sheeting. He�s lowered it to scotch tape and two zip lock bags. -Jay Leno

Tomorrow 22 government agencies will officially move into the Homeland Security Building. I guess they had some trouble getting to the building today. Apparently the place was all covered with plastic sheeting and duct tape.-Jay Leno

Politics

Yesterday the number two Republican in the Senate, Senator Mitch McConnel underwent heart bypass surgery. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed -- ..same thing they do with a Democrat's brain when he gets elected.-Jay Leno

President Bush said today the goal of these terrorists is to inflict economic chaos on the United States. Economic chaos? Well, good luck in California. You'll have to go a long way to beat our own Governor Gray Davis.-Jay Leno

In Colorado, state legislators there announced they want to change the legal status of cats and dogs from property to companions. This is very similar to legislation in North Korea, where they changed the status from appetizer to entr�e.-Jay Leno

Atheists are upset with President Bush because more and more of his speeches have references to Christianity. And I think you can tell. This morning when President Bush got a look at a speech he was giving today he said, "Jesus! Look at all those big words!" -Conan O'Brien

Earlier today Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy for president. His next step is to find a running mate � or, as he put it, "The alcohol to his sleeping pills." -Conan O'Brien

This is exciting. Dick Gephardt has announced he is running for president. Yeah, exciting! He once ran before but lost. He was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis.-David Letterman

When President Bush heard this he said, "Maybe I will have a second term." -David Letterman

Former President Clinton has canceled a trip to India at the request of the Secret Service because of security concerns. Imagine Clinton in India riding an elephant � that would have brought back some memories, huh? -Jay Leno

In Georgia, Senator Zell Miller is very upset with CBS for doing a reality show called "The Real Beverly Hillbilles" about a lower-middle-class rural family that moves into a mansion. Didn't we have a show like that? It was called "The Clintons." -Jay Leno

The Economy

The latest statistics show that the airlines industry had fewer complaints last year. Well of course -- there's fewer airlines. They're all out of business.-Jay Leno

According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. See this is not a recession, it's actually the Bush Health Care Plan.-Jay Leno

A homeless New York man was arrested after robbing 12 banks in Brooklyn and Queens over a three-month period. He was homeless! That shows you how bad our economy is getting -- when you rob 12 banks and still can't afford a place to stay? -Jay Leno

Friday is Valentine's Day -- which is a real dilemma for guys right now. Do you spend the week's pay on a dozen roses to keep her happy or a tank of gas to take her out? -Jay Leno

What a storm! This is supposed to be one of the biggest storms of the century, of the last century too! In fact they said there hasn�t been this much shoveling in Washington since Bush tried to explain his economic policy. -Jay Leno

Two feet of snow in Washington, which is unheard of. The good news is between the federal holiday yesterday and the Bush economic plan, nobody missed any work.-Jay Leno

The price of gasoline is now up to two dollars per gallon. It�s so bad that today Billy Joel took a bus to the tree he was going to hit. -Craig Kilborn

I guess you heard the Mideast terrorists have struck again. But enough about Exxon, Shell and Texaco. -Jay Leno

Gas is now over $2 a gallon and some gas station owners are saying that�s no big deal because a bottle of water is $2. But unlike an SUV, if I�m thirsty I don�t need 25 gallons of it. -Jay Leno

The economy is not doing too well. They say the economy is so bad now even the funeral business is suffering. How bad off are things when people are putting off Grandma�s funeral? "Look, we're a little short this month. Leave her on the porch until spring. It's cold, she'll be fine."-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Clinton told reporters that he may stand near Keith Richards, but he will not inhale.-Jay Leno

Did you hear what happened on Groundhog Day? Punxatawney Phil Spector came out of his den, saw his shadow and shot somebody.-Jay Leno

The big story: It finally happened. It looks like the U.N. Weapons Inspectors may have finally found the "smoking gun". It turns out it was at Phil Spector's house.-Jay Leno

Phil Spector has already hired one of O.J.'s lawyers -- you know what that means -- he's guilty!-Jay Leno

This just in -- after Iraq the U.S. will disarm Phil Spector.-David Letterman

Robert Blake spoke out about it (Phil Spector murder) today. Robert Blake was outraged. He said, "What kind of sleazeball shoots and kills a woman without taking her to dinner first?!"-Jay Leno

Robert Blake's big prison interview with Barbara Walters airs tomorrow night in a special called "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!" -Jay Leno

Last night Robert Blake sat down with Barbara Walters for an interview on "20/20� and the good news, Barbara is still alive! Thank god she didn�t go to Vitello�s.-Jay Leno

According to a story in today's L.A. Times, Robert Blake is lonely in prison. You know what you call somebody who's lonely in prison? Lucky! -Jay Leno

Tonya Harding has announced that she would fight Mike Tyson for $1 million. She said she could go three minutes with him. But Tyson didn't want any part of that. The last time Mike went three minutes with a woman he got six years of prison. -Jay Leno

Tonya Harding makes her pro boxing debut this weekend. She�s on the under card. Iron Mike and Tire Iron Tonya. -Jay Leno

I think Tonya Harding is fighting under the name "The nailer from the trailer."-Jay Leno

They said Mike will be entering the ring to the song "We Are the Champions," and Tonya Harding will be coming down the aisle to "Who Let the Dogs Out."-Jay Leno

As you know it was announced pilots will be allowed to carry guns in the cockpit -- and that's to protect themselves from Courtney Love.-Jay Leno

Some sad news -- our good friend Kathie Lee Gifford's 14-year old Bichon has passed away. Which means Frank now has the doghouse all to himself.-Jay Leno

Happy Birthday today to Bobby Brown, he turns 34 today -- but he can still crash a car into a Kinkos like a man half his age!-Craig Kilborn

In a recent interview Ben Affleck says that he no longer goes out all night and gets drunk. In a related story, J.Lo says that she has also changed and no longer goes out and gets married. -Conan O'Brien

They arrested the Dell Computer guy -- I guess after Nick Nolte, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown and Courtney Love we've run out of good celebrities to arrest and we're down to the nerds!-Jay Leno

Today in Miami O.J. Simpson was spotted at a Home Depot store buying duct tape and plastic sheeting and the cashier asked him, "Are you concerned about a terrorist attack?� and he said, "No I�m breaking up with my girlfriend.� -Jay Leno

There�s a rumor in the music world that the Spice Girls are getting back together. In a related story, the nation�s terror alert has been raised to red. -Conan O'Brien

Speaking of celebrities without careers � the Spice Girls announced they aren�t interested in getting back together. So finally, one terrorist threat has been averted. -Jay Leno

Michael Jackson

As you know, February is Black History Month. That's why we�ve seen so much of Michael Jackson. At one point in history he was black.-Jay Leno

Michael Jackson says that he wants to live forever. This is true, he says that he just wants to live forever and ever. He wants to be able to dangle his great, great, great grandchildren out of windows.-David Letterman

How many people are still creeped out about that Michael Jackson interview? Michael Jackson himself said he is not happy about the way the documentary came out. He said he was shocked when he saw it. Apparently even he can't believe how creepy he is.-Jay Leno

You folks haven't seen it. I've seen it. It's creepy. In the documentary, Michael Jackson talks about his first sexual encounter. It happened at his elementary school. He was 25 at the time. -Jay Leno

I was thinking today that Michael Jackson and I have a couple of things in common. We were both born in Indiana. I was born in Indianapolis, he was born in Gary. We�re both in showbiz, and we both haven�t slept with Lisa Marie.-David Letterman

�60 Minutes� anchor Ed Bradley was blown off for an interview by Michael Jackson this week. When asked about it, Michael said, "I�m just not comfortable being around black people.� -Conan O'Brien

Earlier this evening, NBC aired a two-hour "Dateline" special on Michael Jackson�s face. It was called "Eeeyayehhhhhh!� -Jay Leno

This is unbelievable � ABC, NBC and Fox are airing a total of 10 hours of Michael Jackson programming this week. Ten hours of Michael Jackson. That�s more time than his first two wives spent with him combined. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Anybody buy roses? Two hundred dollars a dozen in L.A.! Even the oil companies are going, "That�s robbery! You can�t screw people like that. Come on.� -Jay Leno

In Texas they have shut down an automotive shop/ whorehouse. It was an auto shop and a whorehouse. I hate those places because they always charge more than the estimate. -David Letterman

Police in France have arrested four men with cell phones that can shoot bullets. -- This is the latest scary thing now, a cell phone that can shoot bullets. The only problem with these cell phone guns is you can't shoot anybody in a tunnel.-Jay Leno

A man suspected in the killing of two police officers back in 1957 was arrested in South Carolina this week by the L.A. county sheriff's department. When they heard these murders were solved within a mere 45 years the chief of police in Boulder, Colorado said, "Whoa! These guys are good."-Jay Leno

Some sad news � The oldest living American man passed away yesterday in Lakeland, Florida � 113 years old. He gave up cigars at the age of 97. Doctors said if he would've given up cigars earlier, he probably could've lived another two hours. -Jay Leno

The oldest living American passed away today at 113. His name was John McMoran. Get this, he smoked cigars, he drank beer and ate greasy food � see, that stuff can catch up to you! -David Letterman

Today is Constitution Day in Mexico. Do you know what the first amendment of the Mexican Constitution is? The right to live in L.A. -Jay Leno

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. If I wanted to see a rat come out of a hole I would go to Dunkin Donuts.-David Letterman

The Vatican says that they are going to name a Patron Saint of the Internet. This is true, a Patron Saint of the Internet. So far the leading contender is Saint Alisa of Milano.-Conan O'Brien

Happy Chinese New Year! It is the year of the ram and I am still writing the year of the pig on my checks.-David Letterman

We now have a new problem here in New York. Apparently construction workers are drinking on the job. Today I was walking down Madison Avenue and I got hit by a falling lime. -David Letterman

Wal-Mart announced today they are recalling 30,000 beanbag chairs because they are defective. You know, what could go wrong here? It's a bag with beans in it! What's the problem? Remember when we used to make steel in this country? Now we can't fill a bag with beans without screwing up 30,000 of them! -Jay Leno

According to the National Enquirer, the next guy to star on "The Bachelor� series is going to be Andrew B. Firestone; he�s the 27-year-old heir to the Firestone tire fortune. Is this really a guy who needs help getting women? A 27-year-old millionaire? Why don�t you do something for Gus from the Shell station? He�s the one who needs help. -Jay Leno

Here�s a happy story: Did you see this dog that was pulled from a chunk of ice in the New Jersey River? It took firemen two hours to rescue him. Even the firemen were in shock. They said this is the first time they�re ever pulled anything alive out of a river in New Jersey.-Jay Leno

Have you been following this Clara Harris story down in Texas? She's the woman that ran over her cheating husband with a Mercedes. Well, today she was found guilty, could spend life in prison. Well, there's a lesson for you. Do it in California, you'll be out on bail by noon!-Jay Leno

She (Clara Harris) was sentenced to 20 years in prison today. Clara Harris told the court she regrets what she did. She says she will always think of her husband every time she has pancakes. -Jay Leno

You know Clara Harris, the woman who ran over her husband with the Mercedes, went to prison and won�t see her boys until they�re teenagers. Isn�t that ironic? She�ll get out just in time to teach them to drive.-Jay Leno

More gossip coming out about Clara Harris � there are now reports that Clara was actually seeing another man on the side. In fact, today they found him under the left rear tire.-Jay Leno

The founder of the Holiday Inn hotel chain has passed away at 90. Unfortunately for him, he checked out after three so he was charged for an extra day.-Conan O'Brien

Some sad news today. The oldest woman in New York died at the age of 112. This now moves Joan Rivers somewhere near the top.-David Letterman

A study done by a researcher in Germany says that two-thirds of adults tilt their heads to the right when they kiss. In a related story, it is very easy to get a research grant in Germany.-Conan O'Brien

Yesterday while digging out from the blizzard in Manhattan, some of the piles of snow were two stories high. The piles have been hollowed out and are now being rented for $2,000 a month.-Conan O'Brien

Do you remember those obese people that tried to sue McDonald�s and failed? They are now trying to sue again � or, as they call it, going back for seconds.-Conan O'Brien

To combat the blizzard the New York Sanitation Department used 300 industrial salt spreaders. After the blizzard, the salt spreaders went back to their usual job of seasoning Anna Nicole Smith�s food. -Conan O'Brien

Scientists at the University of Illinois have developed a plastic that repairs itself. If it cracks or breaks it automatically repairs itself. You know what that means? Women in L.A. will one day become indestructible. -Jay Leno

In Italy, an 85-year-old man and a 74-year-old woman were arrested for having sex in a car by the side of the road. It�s actually part of a new program to help the elderly in Italy. It�s called "Squeals on wheels," I think. -Jay Leno

The biggest-selling issue of any magazine in the world, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, is on the newsstands now. They said this issue is available in 12 different languages. Why? Who reads this? -Jay Leno

In Calgary, Canada, a stripper is wanted for armed robbery. The interesting thing � no one got a good look at her face. -Craig Kilborn

According to a new Court TV poll, 91 percent of people think celebrities get preferential treatment in the judicial system. The other 9 percent are celebrities. -Jay Leno

Movies & Television

Today the Academy Award nominations came out. This is a very important ritual in American life. This is where really good-looking rich people who are constantly being told how wonderful they are, are singled out for more praise. -Jay Leno

It''s a big night in Hollywood. Oscar nominations have been announced and "Chicago" was nominated in 13 categories and is expected to win for best movie not seen by straight men.-Conan O'Brien

More stars are due at the Oscars this year due to prison overcrowding. -Craig Kilborn

John Travolta is reportedly considering making "Battlefield Earth: Two." That, or to save time he might just set fire to 40 million dollars.-Conan O'Brien

Anybody watch "Joe Millionaire" last night? That stupid thing. Didn't you feel ripped off? Let's get to this thing! Last night they said there's going to be a huge surprise twist in the final episode. Some think he's really a millionaire, do you think that's it? You know what I hope? I hope he's gay and chooses the butler! -Jay Leno

Of course, the big twist on "Joe Millionaire" was that Evan admitted to the women that he didn�t really inherit 50 million dollars � then the butler came back and gave them a check for one million dollars. So what�s the lesson here for our young people � good things come to those who lie.-Jay Leno

How about that big surprise? They got a check for one million dollars that they have to share. So, they�re millionaires if they stay together. Same arrangement Bill and Hillary have. Same thing.-Jay Leno

The Fox Network, is thanking Evan, the guy on "Joe Millionaire,� by giving him a free trip to Hawaii. However, in the spirit of the show, he is being flown to New Jersey and will be told it�s Hawaii.-Conan O'Brien

Folks, I have some shocking news. People magazine is now reporting the romance between "Joe Millionaire's" Evan Marriott and Zora may be over. Who would have seen that coming? What was that, Monday to Thursday? Or, as they call it in Hollywood, a commitment. -Jay Leno

How many watched this stupid "Bachelorette" last night? Was that the stupidest? My TV actually threw up!-Jay Leno

"The Bachelorette" is now down to the wire. The final two guys are left and Trista, the bachelorette, has taken the two back to her hometown to show them around and have them meet with the family. After her mom and sisters sleep with the two guys, the winner will be decided. -Jay Leno

The couple from "The Bachelor� have called off their engagement. Well, so much for the sanctity of the phony TV engagement. -David Letterman

The producers of "Temptation Island" say that it takes eight weeks alone for them to audition contestants. When asked why it takes so long, they said, "It just takes that long to find the perfect balance between idiot and a tramp."-Conan O'Brien

One of the semi-finalists on the "American Idol" show was kicked out of the competition after it was found out that she had posed for a porn Web site. This marks the first time that anyone was too sleazy for a Fox show.-Conan O'Brien

As you know, we're in the middle of the big period on TV. This is the Sweeps weeks. All the big finales are coming up in the next weeks on TV. So we got the finale of "The Bachelorette" on ABC, the big finale of "Joe Millionaire" on Fox, and CNN has the big finale of Saddam Hussein.-Jay Leno

Last night ABC showed their stupid reality show called "I�m A Celberity, Get Me Out of Here!" The celebrities included Robin Leach; Cris Judd, who was married to Jennifer Lopez; Alana Stewart and Melissa Rivers. I think this is the only celebrity show where the celebrities have to wear name tags. -Jay Leno

They should have gone to L.A. County Jail � they would have found more real celebrities there. -Jay Leno

The Grammy Awards are this weekend. According to reports, producers have told the performers to refrain from making any anti-war statements during the broadcast. At first, the rap singers were furious. They thought somebody said "no anti-whore statements." -Jay Leno

Backstage at the Grammys last night, they had a "tranquility room." This is a room set up for recovering alcohol and substance abusers. Right next to it they also had a "party room" for current alcohol and substance abusers. -Jay Leno

Sports

The UCLA basketball team has lost 8 games in a row. It's gotten so bad that I understand that players are starting to skip practice to go to class.-Jay Leno

It's fashion week and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show going on this week. I tell you, the city has been overrun by temperamental bitches.-David Letterman

Dogs from all over the world are here for the big show (Westminster Dog Show) - except for the French poodles and the German shepherds. They are both refusing to participate.-David Letterman