War On Terror

He (President Bush) was on the carrier to give a speech to announce the end of combat in Iraq. Not the end of the war, the end of combat. He warned there are still "pockets of resistance." The Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon, France, Howard Dean ...-Jay Leno

Just before the war with Iraq started, Saddam Hussein�s son Qusay took a billion dollars in cash out of Iraq�s Central Bank. They hauled it away in three tractor-trailers. How�d you like to be stuck behind him at the ATM? -Jay Leno

Prostitution on the streets of Baghdad - this proves a democratic government is right around the corner. You got hookers - congressmen can�t be far behind! -Jay Leno

There is now a Burger King in Baghdad. The prostitutes are now back in the streets of Baghdad after 25 years. Fast food and hookers ... they are living the American dream.-David Letterman

Today from an aircraft carrier President Bush will announce that the war in Iraq has been won. I believe this is his first victory that�s been uncontested.-David Letterman

Saddam Hussein�s brother in-law has been arrested by Coalition forces after they received a tip. Saddam�s three wives have fled the country, we�ve arrested his brother in-law � we�re just making his life a living hell, aren�t we? -David Letterman

So far we have captured 20 out of 55 people in that Iraqi deck of cards. Still on the loose, though: Saddam Hussein, haven�t caught him, his two sons, haven�t caught them � and Sean Penn is still at large.-David Letterman

Coalition forces in Iraq have captured Doctor Germ. She�s also known as Mrs. Anthrax, I believe Germ was her maiden name.-David Letterman

North Korea has admitted to building nuclear weapons. President Bush has one question: "Can we attack a country that has weapons of mass destruction?" -Craig Kilborn

In Iraq today they found a rolling terror lab on wheels. Or, as we call it back here � Dominos.-David Letterman

Saudi Arabia announced today that it's holding four al-Qaeda suspects. Not actually holding them � they�re actually house guests at the royal family�s palace.-Jay Leno

Saudi Arabia said today that they�ve foiled a major al-Qaeda operation. So apparently they canceled the check. -Jay Leno

The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam Hussein supporters to get them to talk. They�re blaring heavy metal music at them. That should make the artist feel pretty good, huh? Put your heart and soul into your last CD and the Army is using it to torture people. -Jay Leno

In light of terrorism threats, the government has made the airspace over Disney theme parks into no-fly zones. This is true. However, the news was a little too late for Tinkerbell, who was shot down by an F-16. -Conan O'Brien

The U.N. has approved the removal of sanctions on Iraq. The lifting of the sanctions will let the Iraqis have a chance to have things they�ve never had before, like medicine and weapons of mass destruction. -Conan O'Brien

You guys all ready for the three-day weekend? Everybody has the three days off. Unless you�re a terrorist � then you have to work. -Jay Leno

The big story is today in Iraq U.S. troops discovered what appears to be a half-billion dollars' worth of gold bars! Turns out it was Nike�s first payment to Lebron James. -Jay Leno

The 2004 Presidential Campaign

It�s started already. The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So far the front-runners for the Democratic nomination are Representative Dick Gephart, Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean and Senator Joe Lieberman. Or, as Bush calls them, the ace of spades, two of clubs, ace of clubs and ace of diamonds.-Jay Leno

According to a CBS news poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates.-Jay Leno

Over the weekend was the Democrats' first presidential debate. Nine guys took part in the debate, what a dreary group. George W. Bush took one look at them and said, "I may win this one fair and square." -David Letterman

The winner (of the Democratic debate) was anyone with a remote in their hands.-Craig Kilborn

Florida Senator Bob Graham is running for president despite having bypass surgery earlier this year. Experts don�t think he�ll do very well because his campaign slogan is "I�m slightly healthier than Dick Cheney."-Conan O'Brien

Today President Bush filed to run for president again in 2004. I believe his exact words were "The fix is in."-Jay Leno

This morning, with zero percent of the vote in, the Florida secretary of state has named Bush the winner already! -Jay Leno

Well, the big news today of course in politics, Dick Cheney announced he has agreed to be President Bush�s running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement yesterday when he was riding in Ambulance One.-Jay Leno

Yesterday in Washington the announcement was made that Dick Cheney will run once again for vice president. He says that he is healthy and has a doctor with him 24 hours a day. Well, that�s a sign of a healthy man.-David Letterman

Politics

Right now in Florida, they�re trying to decide what to do with those 6 million punch card ballots from the 2000 presidential election. They�ve got 6 million of them and they�re trying to figure out do they save them for historical purposes or do they destroy them. I got an idea - how 'bout countin' 'em?-Jay Leno

Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier yesterday? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes.-Conan O'Brien

Today President Bush landed on an aircraft carrier to address the nation. And next week he�s going to take a ride on a big red fire engine!-Conan O'Brien

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has recommended that a New Mexico oilman be named secretary of the Navy. This is the Bush White House idea of diversity � having a New Mexico oilman working hand in hand with a Texas oilman. -Jay Leno

Mayor Bloomberg wants to close down 40 firehouses. I've said it before and will say it again: This guy is a public relations genius!-David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg�s approval rating is now down to 32 percent! To put that in perspective, Saddam Hussein�s is still at 37 percent. -David Letterman

President Bush was in Missouri today checking out tornado damage. There was one awkward moment when he said, "Don�t worry, we�ll hunt down whoever did this."-Conan O'Brien

Christine Todd Whitman resigned yesterday as the head of the EPA. The Bush administration was shocked � they didn�t know there was an EPA. -Conan O'Brien

Christine Todd Whitman has resigned as head of the EPA. Apparently there were two things that she didn�t agree on with the Bush administration. One, she was too soft on decimating pristine forests � and two, she was too hung up on breathable air. -David Letterman

President Bush has finally come up with what he thinks is a solid economic plan. He�s going to give all the money in the Treasury to former Education Secretary William Bennett and let him bet it on red.-Jay Leno

But he (Bill Bennett) says his gambling is a personal matter, and he�s not doing anything illegal and it�s nobody�s business. Or, as he calls that in his book, the Clinton defense.-Jay Leno

Democrats love to bring up William Bennett. They think it makes up for Bill Clinton�s indiscretions. You know the difference between William Bennett and Bill Clinton. If William Bennett hits on 17, it�s not someone�s daughter.-Jay Leno

All the politicians in Washington think Bennett is wrong. I mean, gambling with his own money. Who does that?-Jay Leno

Bennett said it's a private matter and it�s nobody�s business but his own. See, that�s the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want to investigate your finances and keep their sex lives private, and Republicans want to investigate your sex life and keep their finances private.-Jay Leno

I love this story. Fifty state Democrats from Texas are holed up in a hotel in Oklahoma because they don�t want to vote on this redistricting in Texas. So they�re all in a hotel. The funny thing � all 50 of them signed in as "John Smith." -Jay Leno

It happened again! Gosh darn Democrats. Democrat Governor Bob Wise of West Virginia has admitted to having an affair with a state employee. He says that he is sorry he let his wife down, let his kids down and most of all that he let his pants down. -Jay Leno

West Virginia Governor Bob Wise admitted he "was not faithful� to his wife. I�m glad I live in California where we�d never have to worry about our governor, Gray Davis, having an affair. He is so unpopular I don�t think any woman is going to want to sleep with him! -Jay Leno

We had a lunar eclipse last night. Total darkness for like an hour. Here in California people just assumed it was another Gray Davis energy screw-up.-Jay Leno

This is big news out of Washington � White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced that he will retire this July � good luck finding a job in this economy. -Jay Leno

The big news out of Washington - White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced he�s resigning. He said, "My heart tells me it�s time to go." He�s not leaving until July. Of course he�s still a young guy. When Dick Cheney�s heart tells him it�s time to go ... boom! It�s time to go. -Jay Leno

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced that he is resigning. He said that he loves his job, but after 21 years in government service it�s time to lie in the private sector.-Conan O'Brien

The White House already hired a new guy. Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair will be filling in. He can spin a story as good as the White House. -Jay Leno

France has accused the U.S. Of being rude and abusive to them and they�re taking it personally. And remember, every time an American is rude and abusive they�re taking a job away from a Frenchman. -Jay Leno

According to annual financial disclosure forms, President Bush is worth between $8 million and $22 million and Dick Cheney is worth between $19 million and $86 million. Thanks for narrowing it down. -Jay Leno

How come you have to file your 1040 down to that last penny, but if you�re in Washington you can go "$35 or $100 million"? -Jay Leno

Democrats in Congress are calling President Bush�s 350-billion-dollar tax cut "reckless and irresponsible." That�s what I love about politicians � you spend billions on Star Wars technology that didn�t work, they�re fine with that. Spend billions on subsidies to tobacco farmers and corporations, they�re fine with that. Give back some money to the taxpayers? What, are you nuts?! You can�t be doing that! -Jay Leno

In Hillary Clinton�s new book, "Living History,� she details what it was like meeting Bill, falling in love, getting married and living a happy, passionate life together as husband and wife. Then, on page two ... the trouble starts.-Jay Leno

Due to a legal technicality, 16-year-olds in Baltimore, Maryland, will be able to vote in the next mayoral election. The candidate expected to have the most votes will be a write-in for "My Butt." -Conan O'Brien

Yesterday was Election Day here in Los Angeles. In case you haven�t heard the results - who cares beat out someone I never heard of. Over 300 people voted.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Oprah Winfrey is going to continue her show and has signed a new deal for $140 million per year! Today President Bush asked Oprah to rebuild Iraq. -Conan O'Brien

I read today Prince William is reportedly thinking about moving to the U.S. after he graduates from college. He says he wants to live a "free, easy lifestyle for a few years.� You know, as opposed to the grueling life of being a prince.-Jay Leno

Mary Jo and Joey Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. It�s always the ones you�d least expect. I think Joey was ignoring her � after all it�s been more than eight years since anyone tried to shoot her in the head. -Jay Leno

Michael Douglas says that he has retraced his family roots and has found that his great-great-grandfather was a pirate. Catherine Zeta-Jones has retraced her roots and she found that her great-great-grandfather is Michael Douglas.-Conan O'Brien

Congrats to Dennis Rodman, who married his longtime girlfriend Tuesday in Newport Beach. Dennis and his wife are going to continue living separately and his kids will visit him on weekends. Dennis, that�s not marriage � that�s divorce. -Jay Leno

It is being reported that music legend Bob Dylan has taken up a new form of exercise - boxing. He spars regularly in a gym. Is this a good idea? Isn�t Bob Dylan hard enough to understand now? After a few blows to his head ... -Jay Leno

Some good news! Geraldo Rivera is getting married. This is his fifth marriage. The woman he is marrying will hold the title of Mrs. Geraldo Rivera for one year � then it�s adios! -David Letterman

Liza Minnelli is throwing a 50th birthday party for her husband. That�s a nice thing and we send our good wishes along. Michael Jackson loves to go to Liza�s parties � that�s because for a change he�s not the weirdest person in the room. -David Letterman

Ricky Martin is releasing his first all-Spanish album in five years. He says that he hopes this album will end the big rumor that he is just a one-hit wonder. Which is odd because that�s not the big rumor anyone is wondering about Ricky Martin.-Conan O'Brien

How is Scott Peterson spending his jail time? According to People magazine, Scott Peterson is spending his jail time doing yoga. Is prison really the best way to show you can bend over backwards? -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

The 150th anniversary of Central Park is coming up. Have you ever been through Central Park? Well then, you�ve cheated death. As you know, Central Park is 800 acres of beautiful unused land inside the city � or, as Donald Trump calls it, a waste.-David Letterman

A man in Detroit is suing McDonald's after he claims he bit into a piece of already-chewed gun in his salad. Do you believe him? I don�t believe him. Who orders a salad at McDonald�s? Shut up. Have you had the salad? I�d rather have the chewed piece of gum.-Jay Leno

How many of you went drinking last night on Cinco de Mayo? How many of you called in today "Sicko de Tuesday.� -Jay Leno

And Arby�s has a new slogan: "What are you eating today?� What are you eating? What does that mean? So apparently they don�t know what�s in their food either?-Jay Leno

I mentioned this last night. This summer Microsoft is going to introduce the first portable toilet with Internet access. You know why it�s the first? Because nobody wants a toilet with Internet access. What is that? Is that really the future? Remember, we thought it would be flying cars, now it�s an outhouse you can plug in. -Jay Leno

Microsoft has announced they�re already preparing their newest version of Windows for release by 2005. They have an interesting new slogan to go with it, too: "Those who do not comply will be destroyed." -Jay Leno

Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called hero after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they�re being run down by a 68-year-old senator? -Jay Leno

According to a new study, obesity is now costing Americans $93 billion a year � and that's just in Happy Meals. -Jay Leno

Scientists have discovered that eating while lying down is worse for you than eating in a sitting position. Who eats lying down? How fat and lazy are we getting in this country where we lie down and just put a funnel in our mouth? "I�d like to eat, but that means I�d have to sit up."-Jay Leno

Yesterday the government released the new, more colorful $20 bill. I guess the Bush administration figured this was the best time to redesign money ... you know, when no one has it.-Jay Leno

According to the New York Times, more of their reporters are being investigated for plagiarizing and fabricating stories. But keep in mind, this is according to the New York Times. -Jay Leno

We got SARS, mad cow disease, orange alert � the news is so bad that the New York Times doesn�t have to make it up.-David Letterman

Crime is down in New York City. Good news! To give you an idea of how low crime has dropped, it�s been over a month since I had to say, "Now, was it five or six shots that he fired?� -David Letterman

Car companies like Jeep, Hummer and Honda are now marketing their own line of footwear. Huh? Car companies selling shoes? Doesn�t say much about the reliability of their cars, does it? "Here�s some shoes, you�re going to need them!"-Jay Leno

Here�s some interesting medical news. A new study says suicide rates are up 40 percent. And that�s just among Lakers fans. -Jay Leno

An Australian company is coming out with vintage wine in pop-top aluminum cans. It�s the perfect solution for those occasions where wine in a box or a screw-capped bottle is just too darn fancy.-Jay Leno

Big birthday over the weekend. Pope John Paul II turned 83. There was a big celebration. The pope celebrated the same way he does every year � a bunch of cardinals got together and took him to Hooters. They got crazy! -David Letterman

A cow in Canada was diagnosed with mad cow disease. In fact, today a travel advisory was issued to all cows to avoid visiting Canada. -Jay Leno

Up in Canada there�s a case of this mad cow disease, but Canada says it�s only one cow. That may be true, but that�s an entire year�s supply of beef for White Castle hamburgers. -Jay Leno

As you know, Canada is battling with its first case of mad cow disease. They�re dealing with it, though. The cow is now in an anger management class. -Jay Leno

This is not a big deal. Canada says it�s only one cow. Wasn�t that Clinton�s defense? -Jay Leno

Scary incident just a few hours ago. Big explosion at Yale Law School. Luckily, nobody was hurt, although nine of the lawyers are now claiming whiplash. -Jay Leno

There was a bomb that went off at Yale University yesterday. No one was injured. Afterwards, when asked for a comment, President Bush said, "that�s nothing, I used to get bombed at Yale all the time." -Jay Leno

According to a Dutch doctor, men who undergo sex change operations are likely to reduce their risk of heart disease. It also greatly reduces their risk of getting jock itch. -Jay Leno

A new study suggests that men that have had a sex change also lowered their chances of heart disease. Hey, how about just cutting back on dairy! -Craig Kilborn

Here�s a bizarre story - five Cubans who tried to sail to Florida got lost and ended up in Mexico! They�ll never make it to this country now! How impossible is it to get past that Texas border! -Jay Leno

Here�s why people think Californians are stupid - a federal appeals court in Los Angeles has overturned the conviction of an armed robber because he said he never intended to show his gun when he robbed a bank, the teller just saw it in his waistband. I know that celebrities can never be convicted of anything in L.A. - apparently it�s gotten so bad that now nobody can be convicted of anything in L.A. -Jay Leno

A man in the Philippines was shot and killed recently in a karaoke bar because he wouldn�t stop singing. I believe that�s justifiable homicide.-Jay Leno

A Delaware man is in the hospital after trying to get rid of some gunpowder by burning it in his fireplace. The good news: Today doctors raised his condition from serious to just plain stupid.-Jay Leno

According to a study in the new issue of Demography magazine, the richer a man is, the more likely he is to find a woman who wants to marry him. The study was conducted by the Institute of Duh! -Jay Leno

McDonald�s is being criticized for failure to hire more seniors. It�s hard to find someone over 70 with acne that can�t make change. -Craig Kilborn

Because of all these meat problems, McDonald�s is now selling a soy veggie burger. It�s called the McTasteless. -Jay Leno

Disney has announced that they may soon release videos on DVDs that "self-destruct� within two days of opening the package. The idea is you wouldn�t have to return them, you can buy them cheaply and then not return them. You know what this would be great for? Barney. The kids can watch it during the day, then the adults can gather around at night, have a couple of drinks and watch Barney die! -Jay Leno

A London research team has determined that tongue piercing can have very serious complications, from cracked teeth to damaged nerves. A spokesman for the American Tongue Piercing Association responded by saying, "Dat's not twue!" -Jay Leno

Movies & Television

A new Jim Carrey movie is coming out about a man who acts like God. I think it�s called "The Bill O�Reilly Story." -Jay Leno

The Chinese government just launched its first 24-hour cable news service. Since the news has to be reported favoring the ruling party, the channel has been named Fox News.-Conan O'Brien

NBC has a new reality program called "America�s Most Talented Seniors." And Fox is planning a "Beverly Hills 90210" reunion show. Here�s the ironic thing � the same people are going to be on both shows!-Jay Leno

�60 Minutes� is going to cancel their Clinton-Dole debate segment. Too bad, too � CBS was counting on Bob Dole to bring in that younger crowd. -David Letterman

Hey, those Clinton-Dole debates on "60 Minutes� � not doing well. The ratings are really bad, in fact there�s talk it may not be back next season. They say to be renewed, Bob Dole will have to come off as more charming and Clinton will have to come off as more honest. So in other words, they�re screwed.-Jay Leno

I am so mad � I went to see "The Matrix: Reloaded" today. There were so many people talking on their cell phones during the movie it ruined the sound as I was taping my bootleg copy. -Jay Leno

Some of the scenes are really unbelievable. Like when Keanu Reeves used a word with four syllables � I was stunned! -Jay Leno

They say the next two "Matrix" movies will cost a combined $300 million. That makes them the most expensive sequels of all time � not counting the war in Iraq. -Jay Leno

How many have seen "The Matrix: Reloaded"? It's made over $100 million. Here�s my question - the humans live underground, why do they all wear sunglasses?-Jay Leno

A professor at the University of London claims to have come up with the formula for making a hit movie. She actually breaks it down into percentages. Her formula is 30 percent action, 17 percent comedy and 0 percent Madonna. -Jay Leno

Fox is coming back with a new version of "Joe Millionaire� in the fall. But critics are asking how women could possibly be fooled again. Is that really hard? Did you see those women? You could fool those women with a fake tennis ball throw. -Jay Leno

The TV series "Law & Order" celebrated its 300th episode. And that�s just this week.-Jay Leno

How many watched that stupid "Hitler" movie last night on CBS? The guy playing Hitler was so good that during the broadcast French TV viewers actually surrendered. -Jay Leno

Tonight was the final installment of the big Hitler movie on CBS. In the opening scenes of the Hitler movie they show Hitler kicking a dog. This is when you know Americans don�t have a good grasp of history � they gotta show Hitler kicking a dog so we know right away he�s a bad guy.-Jay Leno

All the TV networks are making comparisons between the Hitler miniseries and the Martha Stewart movie. Which is really unfair because there is no comparison. One just dreamed of world domination, the other actually achieved it. -Jay Leno

Two CBS affiliates, one in Corpus Christi, Texas, one in Lorendo, Texas, refused to air the Hitler miniseries. They refused to air it because they feared young viewers might be drawn into a message of hate. Which is ridiculous, CBS doesn�t have any young viewers. -Jay Leno

Tonight I was watching the Hitler movie, a ruthless dictator that wants to rule the world � then I realized I was watching the Martha Stewart movie. -Craig Kilborn

I don�t want to say Martha Stewart is upset at the TV movie, but today on her show she was demonstrating how to make an AK-47 out of paper clips, duct tape and shredded newspapers and some old pine cones. -Jay Leno

Tonight on ABC was their big 50th anniversary special. After three hours it was canceled. -Craig Kilborn

On "American Idol" last night the 350-pound Ruben Studdard was pronounced the winner. Ruben was thrilled afterwards, saying that this was the first contest that he had ever won that didn�t involved eating pies. -Conan O'Brien

I�m sure you all watched Ruben win "American Idol" last night. Wasn�t that exciting? He looked good, didn�t he? Did you know he lost 140 pounds last night? He got rid of Clay � hey!-Jay Leno

Ruben and Clay actually become friends during he competition. In fact, when last night's show was over, they got together afterward and beat the hell out of Simon. -Jay Leno

It was very close. They are both very talented and Ruben only won by a margin of 130,000 votes out of 24 million! "American Idol" � sounds more like "American President," doesn�t it?-Jay Leno

I think more people voted on "American Idol" than voted for president. Well sure, at least on "American Idol" you got to pick from two guys you liked. -Jay Leno

If you watched "American Idol" when he beat Clay the other night, the host, Ryan Seacrest, said "it was the closest vote in 'American Idol' history." And that's going back, what, six or seven months? -Jay Leno

SARS

This SARS epidemic is really bad in China. This is the worst thing to hit the Chinese people outside of a government tank.-Jay Leno

This SARS thing is getting scary. Yesterday in a Chinese restaurant I got a fortune cookie that said "laughter is contagious ... and so is your waiter.�-Jay Leno

Experts say SARS is more dangerous than they originally thought. That�s pretty bad considering they originally thought it could kill you. What does it do to you now? -Jay Leno

Our old friend Ed McMahan is hosting a new show. He�s going to China to host "SARS search."-Jay Leno

According to the latest medical report, this SARS thing is worse than previously thought. They now say SARS can live on a toilet seat for four days. You know what that means? We�re wearing these masks at the wrong end! -Jay Leno

Scientists in China now say the SARS virus may have come from a species of wild cat. See, cats are a delicacy over there. So all that coughing could just be from hairballs.-Jay Leno

Sports

Alabama football coach Mike Price was fired for going to a strip club and bringing a stripper back to his hotel room, where she had over $1,000 in charges. Here�s the weird part - after they had sex, three players burst in the room and poured a bucket of Gatorade over the coach. -Jay Leno

The team psychologist for the New York Mets quit his week. He left the job. He said, "Some people should just have a low self-esteem." -Conan O'Brien

Congrats to a New York horse � Funny Cide has won two legs of the Triple Crown. He won the Preakness this weekend down in Baltimore. A New York-bred horse now has won the second jewel. He�s a gelding; the gelding procedure was done on him to calm him down. Today Hillary Clinton said, "You can do that?� -David Letterman

In a speech today President Bush pledged $30 billion to rebuild the Lakers offense.-Craig Kilborn

Have you heard about this basketball phenom Lebron James, who has yet to play a game in the NBA, signed a $90 million shoe deal with Nike. In fact, right after signing the shoe deal, he announced his retirement from pro basketball! -Jay Leno

Exciting sports news going on. Annika Sorenstam is golfing down there in Forth Worth, Texas, the first time a woman has been in a PGA tournament in like 50 years. It�s such a big story that the New York Times is pretending to send three reporters to cover it. -David Letterman

It looks like Annika Sorenstam didn�t make the cut today. I don�t think she did. But she still has support. Even President Bush was rooting for her. President Bush wanted her to win and he likes golf. Because it�s one of those games where the lower the score wins.-Jay Leno

Are you all excited about the arena football playoffs this weekend? Even the players are going, "It's this weekend?" -Jay Leno

Believe it or not, there are still tickets available. All of them. -Jay Leno