War On Terror
Over the Labor Day weekend reporters from the New York Daily News were able to sneak razor blades, pepper spray, knives, box cutters and corkscrews past security at an airport. The worst part was that the stuff was hidden inside a gun! -Jay Leno
President Bush said today that he is in favor of pilots having guns on planes. Although he also said he only wants guns on the planes that have terrorists on them. -Jay Leno
The airline industry is asking the government for $7 billion for security � plus $5 for the headset. -Jay Leno
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder congress is slow at taking action against him � he�s one of their own! -Jay Leno
Five suspected Al-Qaeda members were arrested in Buffalo, New York over the weekend. I think jail is too nice for these guys, lets leave them in Buffalo where they�ll die of boredom. -Jay Leno
More information coming out on the five suspected Al-Qaeda members arrested in Buffalo. Turns out that one of the men worked as a telemarketer. Forget the terrorism � that alone should be enough to give this guy life in prison! -Jay Leno
President Bush says that there is a lot of support for war on Iraq. There�s support from Enron, Texaco, Chevron, Exon, Mobile, they�re all lining up! -Jay Leno
Yesterday President Bush said that Saddam Hussein�s strategy is to "Deceive, delay and deny.� Deceive, delay and deny? That was the same policy my girlfriend had in high school.-Jay Leno
Bush also said that he is committed to a leadership change � and Al Gore said, "Hey me too!�-Jay Leno
The situation with Iraq is even having an effect on the Miss America Pageant. Today all the Miss America candidates said, "Screw world peace, let�s bomb the hell out of Saddam!� -Jay Leno
The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the Prime Minister of Canada said he�d like to help but he�s pretty sure that last time he checked Canada has no army.-Conan O'Brien
I never give my opinions on political matters � but before we bomb Iraq, let�s wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there! -Craig Kilborn
And Germany is now saying that they won�t go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along with the invasion if it included Poland, France and Belgium. -Jay Leno
Politicians in Germany are saying that the United States movement for war with Iraq is a plan by the Bush administration to distract the American public. We have "E.R.�, "Survivor�, "Friends� and we have porn and the Internet � we�re Americans we distract ourselves! -Jay Leno
The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. The operation is called "Operation Al Gore.�-Jay Leno
Tom Cruise has publicly come out in support of President Bush�s plans to attack Iraq. In response to Tom Cruise, President Bush said, "Great all we need now is the go-ahead from Julia Roberts.� -Conan O'Brien
The New York Times is reporting that a Pakistan businessman is claiming that John Walker Lindh is gay and that he was his lover. Say what you will about Lindh, but when this guy goes to play for the other team � he goes all the way! -Jay Leno
The Pakistan businessman claims that Lindh was his lover � in bed he would yell, "Who�s your Bagh-daddy?� -Jay Leno
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That�s bad news, they might have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop the bomb with a camel. -David Letterman
British Prime Minister Tony Blair says that Saddam Hussein has the ability to dispense biological and chemical weapons with in 45 minutes. The good news though is that Saddam can have your glasses ready within an hour. -David Letterman
Here�s some good news and bad news dealing with Iraq. The bad news, according to a former nuclear scientist, he says that Saddam could have a nuke by Christmas. The good news � he�ll be dead by Thanksgiving! -Jay Leno
A former nuclear scientist from Iraq says that Iraq could have a nuke by Christmas. Saddam Hussein is claiming that the nuke is just for his personal use � you know like hunting and removing tree stumps. Yeah I don�t know if I�m buying that. -Jay Leno
Hussein has now changed his policy and is now willing to let UN weapons inspectors into Iraq � or as he calls them, human shields. -Jay Leno
Saddam isn�t afraid of these weapons inspectors. Hey for a guy that has three wives and six mistresses, he�s got to be good at hiding stuff. -Jay Leno
Iraq has now changed its position and is allowing weapons inspectors inside the country. Good luck we can�t even get weapons inspectors inside Puff Daddy�s house! -Jay Leno
Politics
The stock market is down again today and two more major companies filed for bankruptcy � you know what this means � Bush is back from vacation!-Jay Leno
President Bush says that he is committed to ending global warming � or as he calls it, winter.-Jay Leno
Al Gore is saying that an online report quoting him as saying that he�ll run for President once again is wrong. He�s saying that the online report is false and that he�s sorry that he invented that whole thing. -Jay Leno
Al Gore is campaigning once again. Yesterday at a Democratic fundraiser he asked the crowd if they were better off now then they were two years ago. The crowd said, "No, but we�re better off than Al Gore.� -Conan O'Brien
In a televised confession Governor Paul Patton of Kentucky apologized to the whole state for his affair. The whole state? How many people was he sleeping with? -Jay Leno
His wife is still standing by him though. What is it with politician�s wives? Gary Hart, Bill Clinton, Gary Condit � what�s the deal; their wives don�t leave them! It�s only politicians. If this was someone else his clothes would be on the front step and his car would be on fire! Who are these women?-Jay Leno
U.S. Congress is going to hold its first session in New York City in over 200 years. When reached for comment Strom Thurmond said, "I can�t wait to see how much the city has changed.�-Conan O'Brien
Last Friday for the first time in over 200 years I believe, the U.S. Congress held a session here in New York City. Talk about trouble � for the event the Mayor had to hire 200 extra temporary hookers.-David Letterman
Congress is working to make it illegal for congressional members to have sex with interns unless, unless they don�t work for you. So in other words if the intern is under you, they can�t be under you. -Jay Leno
In Huston this week they had an auction for Enron. They sold all kinds of things that were once property of Enron. Lots of good deals � in fact I picked up 2 senators and a congressman. Hell of a deal! -Jay Leno
They say Janet Reno and her opponent are running neck and neck in Florida � which this is the first time ever that Janet Reno and a man have been neck and neck. -Jay Leno
Janet Reno was turned away from polls yesterday in Florida due to problems with voting equipment � imagine that!-Jay Leno
Celebrities
The Russian space program has kicked out Lance Bass from their training program for late payments. In his place the Russians are going to send up a cargo box. In a related story N�Sync has also replaced Lance Bass with a cargo box. -Conan O'Brien
Ozzy Osbourne taped a recent episode where he appeared on "Sesame Street.� There was one awkward moment when he bit the head off of Big Bird.-Jay Leno
O.J. Simpson is getting married to his girlfriend. It could be interesting � she�s a Methodist and he of course is a psychotic.-Jay Leno
At a recent fundraising event Roseanne saw President Bush and she says that he is a hunk and that President Bush is very sexy. Before this goes to the President�s head, keep in mind that Roseanne also thought the same about Tom Arnold. -Jay Leno
Martha Stewart is being investigated by congress. Her friends say that Martha is getting a little paranoid. Like today on her show she checked the Pillsbury Doughboy to see if he was wired.-Jay Leno
Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning � she showed how to make bail. Did you see that? -Jay Leno
Things are looking bad for Martha Stewart. The assistant to her broker is going to testify against her. In fact things are looking so bad that today on her show Martha was showing how to make stew in your own juices.-Jay Leno
This week Anna Nicole Smith said that she has a skinny model on the inside wanting out. I wondered what happened to Kate Moss! Haven�t seen her in over a year.-Jay Leno
A poll done by VH-1 found that Madonna is the most important woman in music ever. The same results were found in a poll done by the NBA.-Craig Kilborn
Over the weekend the Rolling Stones put on a concert at Madison Square Garden. You love them, but they hate me because of the "old jokes� I do about them. They are getting old though and you can tell, well for instance they sang one of their songs this weekend called "Hey You Get Off My Lawn!� -David Letterman
Popular Culture
Hurricane Gustav is developing off the east coast? Gustav? I think names of hurricanes should be changed to rapper names � like "Busta House� or "Old Windy Bastard.� -Jay Leno
Hurricane Hannah hit the east coast this week. Cubans were blowing on to shore at 212 miles per hour! -Jay Leno
L.A. was founded on this day in 1781. Back then it took you all day to get across the street, it was dangerous and the natives could only speak Spanish � so you see nothing has changed. -Jay Leno
A man in Hawaii woke up today after seven years in coma. He was fine until he saw the "Anna Nicole Smith Show� and he said that coma was better.-Jay Leno
Here�s a story. Back in 1995 a man drops into coma. Everyone then says, well who knows, that could be lights out for the guy. But that�s not the case. Today the man woke up and he�s fine! The fascinating part about this is that the first thing he said, "How many years did O.J. get?� -David Letterman
They are now saying that the wildfires around L.A. were started by satanic worshipers conducting a pagan ritual involving animal sacrifice � or as we call it here in L.A. � the Sizzler!-Jay Leno
Many experts feel that an outbreak of small pox would be disastrous in the United States. President Bush said today that we must stop small pox before it becomes big pox. -Jay Leno
Anheuser Busch is coming out with a low-carb beer for the diet conscious beer drinker. Who are these people, all two of them? A diet conscious beer drinker � isn�t that women? -Jay Leno
Experts believe that the California coastline is eroding away by two inches every year. They know this because the last guy standing in line at Disneyland fell into the ocean today.-Craig Kilborn
Last week in Santa Cruz they had a marijuana giveaway. Only 25 people showed up � the New York Mets!-Jay Leno
See that�s what I love about California. It�s only here where it�s illegal to smoke inside � unless it�s marijuana! -Jay Leno
Have you heard about this? In order to avoid a "McLawsuit�, McDonalds is recalling bobblehead dolls because they contain lead paint which children could get lead poisoning from. The good news though � it�s still better than the fries. -Jay Leno
A new invention is out, there are now pill bottles that will talk. The bottles will tell you instructions on how to take the medicine. Is this really a good idea for people on Prozac or Zoloft? What about someone like Mike Tyson? What will happen when he hears his pills talking to him?-Jay Leno
Delta Airlines is taking heat for accidentally flying a dead man to Greece. In defense of the airline though, it was hard to figure out if the guy was dead because the in-flight movie was "Master of Disguise.� -Craig Kilborn
Delta was nice about the whole deal though � when they found out about the mistake they upgraded the dead man to first class. -Jay Leno
Have you heard about this? A Judge ruled that there are two winners for the Miss North Carolina title. Al Gore asked, "Why couldn�t that happen to me?� -Jay Leno
Saturday Night is the Miss America Pageant. The winner of the title only gets the crown for one year. She�ll be Miss America only for one year � sort of like the title of Mrs. Larry King.-Craig Kilborn
Miss Universe has been asked to step down because she has refused to travel. I have to side with the pageant with this one. I mean she has the title of "Miss Universe�, who would of thought any travel would be involved? It�s not like she has to leave Earth? She might be going to Cleveland this weekend, but not Pluto! -Jay Leno
Scientists are now saying that the hole in the ozone could be filled back in by the year 2050. On the other hand the hole in the Lions defense might never be filled up. -Jay Leno
In Nevada the Federal Government has seized two cows from a rancher because the cows were illegally eating grass off government land. It�s illegal for farm animals to graze off government land. So the government has seized the cows. Now my question is � now that the government has the cows, don�t they have to now feed them? You�re back at square one! -Jay Leno
Did you hear about the 61 year old Swedish guy that was lost at sea for three months? He survived by eating dog biscuits and sugar. He also said that was the last time he would book a trip with Priceline.com. -Jay Leno
Did you hear about the guy here that wanted to sail his boat to Catalina Island, which is like 25 miles away � he ended up missing for 3 months, and was found off course by 2500 miles and was found near Costa Rica. See guys will never just ask for directions! -Jay Leno
The founder of Dunkin Doughnuts has passed away at the age of 86. He will be buried in a box with 11 other guys.-Jay Leno
The University of Montana is trying to train honeybees to find explosives. They say that honeybees have better senses than dogs. How bad will that be at the airport? You thought it was bad before when the dog was sniffing your crotch, how annoying will this be?-Jay Leno
I love autumn time here in New York. The colors start to change from brown, to gold, to red, to rust � and that�s just the water!-Jay Leno
A man in France is suing the government over a ban on dwarf tossing. The man says that the ban has taken away his income. It was no surprise that the Judge threw the case and the dwarf both out of the court. -Conan O'Brien
In Butler, Missouri local law authorities investigating after a camera was found in the men�s restroom at the local bowling alley. Who is this sicko? Who wants to see naked bowlers? Yuck! -Jay Leno
Movies And Television
For the final time tonight the two contestants on "American Idol� will perform together. The good news is that they will perform for the final time. -Conan O'Brien
The final episode of "American Idol� airs on Fox tonight � after that we will know who will get to be screwed by a major record company. -David Letterman
Kelly was the winner last night. She won "American Idol� and now gets a one million dollar recording contract. She is the first female to win a million dollars on a Fox show without marrying a creepy man.-Jay Leno
The next "Lord of The Rings� movie won�t be out for a few more months but already people are downloading illegal copies of the movie off the Internet. Authorities are going to hunt down the hackers and tell them that they are huge dorks!-Conan O'Brien
Al Sharpton is also boycotting "Barber Shop.� Have you seen Al Sharpton�s hair? He looks like he�s been boycotting barber shops his whole life.-Jay Leno
ABC started their second season of "The Bachelor.� Have you seen any of this? I like how all these bachelors have nice clothes and they�re rich and they have flowers in their house and stuff. Do any of you know any bachelors like that? All the ones I know are sitting in their underpants watching ESPN with pizza boxes piled high. That�s a real bachelor.-Jay Leno
In an upcoming episode of the "Anna Nicole Smith Show� Anna goes dancing at a hip-hop club in south central. Afterwards the rappers give Anna the name "Busta Dance Floor.� -Craig Kilborn
I don�t want to say anything but the only people at the Emmy�s last night with real breasts were Oprah and Doctor Phil.-Jay Leno
Here�s some showbiz news. The first Palestianian Film Awards are being held. The expected winner for best film is an Iraqi comedy called "My Big Fat Kurd Wedding.� -David Letterman
They taped an episode of "Sesame Street� in Florida this week. They are helping to teach adults how to count. -Jay Leno
Sports
A German man is stalking tennis star Serena Williams. Serena�s father is very upset about this, he said, "Following Serena around and harassing her is my job!�-Conan O'Brien
How about a nice hand for Serena Williams! Did you see that skimpy thing she was wearing? Now I know why they call it the U.S. Open. -Jay Leno
A new study says that 85% of Americans are happy with their jobs. The other 15% work for the New York Mets. -Conan O'Brien
I tell you it�s good to see New York laughing again! Of course I�m talking about the Mets. -David Letterman
The rumor right now is that seven members of the New York Mets have been using marijuana. Only seven? Have you seen the way the team has been playing? -Jay Leno
I guess they finally got around to cleaning out Daryl Strawberry�s locker.-Jay Leno
Seven members of the New York Mets are to have said to be using marijuana. This goes to prove what your parents said is right � marijuana is for losers.-Conan O'Brien
The U.S. Tennis Open took place out in Queens this weekend. Did you see Pete Sampras? He won like his 14th grand slam title. After the match they even made him an honorary Williams sister. -David Letterman
On Saturday they started a new program here in L.A. to keep criminals off the street � UCLA football! -Jay Leno
The NFL got underway this weekend. Hats off to the Cleveland Browns. Did you see that? The Browns lost the game after Dwayne Rudd threw his helmet in the air, he thought they had won the game and he threw his helmet which is a penalty, so the Browns got a 15 yard penalty and lost on a last second field goal. You know if you�re that stupid why do you even wear the helmet? -Jay Leno
Detroit has a new football stadium � they haven�t told the Lions about it yet! -Jay Leno
Do you know the difference between a zoo and a football game? At a zoo people go to watch the "lions� play. -Jay Leno
Earlier in the week Minnesota Vikings star Randy Moss was arrested for running into a woman traffic cop with his car. The cop was trying to stop him and he just bumped into her and kept driving and went 50 feet with her on his hood. As bad as that all was � that was the best drive the Vikings have had all year! -Jay Leno
Shaq had surgery on his big toe today. Doctors say that he should be up and sucking at rap in no time. -Craig Kilborn