War On Terror

Here's an interesting fact. Ever since the war began in Afghanistan, we have dropped more than 2.5 million Pop Tarts there - which would be a good idea if they had toasters!-Jay Leno

Stores in Afghanistan are now selling pornos again. Well, it's good to see all that fighting has paid off!-Jay Leno

Travel experts say we can expect long delays, huge lines and rude service at airports this summer - so air travel is getting back to normal. -Jay Leno

Here's what we now know about Osama bin Laden. He has shaved his beard, he is lying low and plotting his revenge. That's what we know about Osama - he's shaved his beard, he's lying low and plotting revenge - oh wait, that's Al Gore. -David Letterman

A new Osama bin Laden videotape has been discovered, but experts aren't sure how old it is. Apparently, it's kinda old because it shows Osama wearing an XFL sweatshirt.-Conan O'Brien

The first tape showed him in a cave - big surprise there. The second one was sort of a surprise; he was having dinner with his buddies. This third one looks like he's on a boat having sex with Tommy Lee. -David Letterman

Federal Transportation officials announced plans for a toll-free number for passengers on planes to call if they're being hijacked. Is the toll-free part really a big deal? Is there someone on the plane at that time with their cell phone worried about saving their weekend minutes? -Jay Leno

The government has also announced that walk-in bombings could be possible anywhere in the country, except L.A. See, no one walks in L.A. That's a suspicious activity here. -Jay Leno

We need more airport security. There is a shortage of airport security workers. To make it more convenient, you can now apply online. Well, that's a good idea - no one has ever lied about themselves online! -Jay Leno

On a flight from Chicago to Hong Kong, seven firecrackers were found in the restroom aboard the plane. Officials believe this was done by a group of moderate terrorists. -Jay Leno

They're also telling landlords to be on the alert for tenants that bomb apartment buildings. Landlords? They're doing good if they can find a janitor! -Jay Leno

All landlords are supposed to be on alert for terrorists. Good luck. That means you'll see a sign in the laundry room that says "Terrorism will not be tolerated by the management."-Jay Leno

Politics

A Bill Clinton spokesman has confirmed that Clinton is talking with NBC about having his own daytime talk show. He'd have to have a daytime show - you can't do a late-night show without a Clinton joke.-Jay Leno

Maury Povich urged Clinton not to take the job with NBC because it would be too embarrassing - as opposed to everything that happened in the White House?-Jay Leno

A Clinton spokesman said that his first priority is completing his book right now. Which for Clinton could take a long time, because he has several versions of the same story.-Jay Leno

Despite all his book deals and speaking engagements, Bill Clinton still hasn�t paid off all his legal fees. He owes over $4 million! Clinton's lawyer Bill Bennett said, "We had an agreement and he has an obligation and commitment to pay." Hillary replied, "Good luck! Let me know how that works out!"-Jay Leno

Yesterday at the Pentagon several hundred people were evacuated after a suspicious odor was in the air. In a related story, Strom Thurmond made a surprise visit to the Pentagon yesterday. -Conan O'Brien

A study has found that the government wastes money - the study took 10 years and cost a billion dollars. -Craig Kilborn

Former President Bill Clinton will be going on a diplomatic trip to the country of East Timor. That's the only two-bit country left in the world that doesn't want to destroy America.-Jay Leno

Today Bill Clinton said goodbye to his wife as he embarks on a six-week diplomatic mission to Asia and the country of East Timor. The funny thing is that there is no such country as East Timor. -Craig Kilborn

Sen. Hillary Clinton has gained about 30 pounds since being in office. President Clinton says he doesn't mind, because this way he can hear her coming.-Conan O'Brien

There was talk earlier this week of Hillary Clinton running for vice president. I didn't know you could run for vice president. But they say if it can be done, Hillary will do it. So she's been denying it - doesn't it make you feel good again to know that a Clinton is denying something? -David Letterman

President Bush is busy in Europe and will meet with the pope this week. I think he's a little confused, though. President Bush said that he is looking forward to meeting the pope and Mrs. Pope. -Conan O'Brien

President Bush is in Germany. There was a big protest of over 100,000 Germans today over the U.S. war on terrorism. See, the deal is I got this figured out - Germans just don't like a war they didn't start. -David Letterman

President Bush gave a speech in Germany today about how Saddam Hussein needs to be removed from power. He started the speech by saying we need to get rid of maniacal dictators bent on destruction - then he said, "Oops, wrong crowd." -Conan O'Brien

The Democrats are upset with the Republicans for selling a picture from 9/11 that shows President Bush on the phone receiving advice from Dick Cheney. The picture is being sold for $150 each. They think the Republicans are making money off the event. Find a picture of Bush not receiving any advice from Dick Cheney, now that would be worth something! -Jay Leno

The latest from Washington is that President Bush might have been warned about hijackings last summer. Congress wants answers. They want to know what Bush knew and when Dick Cheney explained it.-Jay Leno

Who would have thought two years ago that President Bush would be in trouble for something he knew? -Jay Leno

The Democrats are attacking Bush. Do you think this is fair? Senator Joe Lieberman said that the White House should have been able to put two and two together. Well, that right there eliminates Bush. -Jay Leno

The University of Baylor in Texas has announced that they would like to have the Bush Presidential Library when it comes about. They already have plans for the library. The place would house all the documents and FBI warnings that Bush didn't read. -Jay Leno

Baylor University in Texas has announced that they would like to have the presidential Library of George W. Bush. They said all they need is for President Bush to donate the two books he's read. -Conan O'Brien

Don't be bummed out by these terrorist alerts. If you see something suspicious, you should immediately send a note to Washington and President Bush should get to it in a few years.-David Letterman

President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a historical treaty today which will cut both countries' nuclear stockpiles by two-thirds. Bush said by doing this it will allow us to now concentrate on getting rid of the other 50 percent of our nukes. -Jay Leno

Actually, the treaty isn't complete - Dick Cheney has to sign it under the spot where it says "Parent or Guardian's Signature." -Jay Leno

Jimmy Carter's Trip to Cuba

Jimmy Carter is currently in Cuba. He's in Cuba now, visiting with Fidel Castro. That shows you how much Cuba's living in the past. They still think Carter's president of the United States.-Jay Leno

Former President Jimmy Carter is in Cuba meeting with Fidel Castro. If you don't remember, Castro is the other bearded lunatic we can't get.-David Letterman

Today, President Bush commented on Jimmy Carter's trip to Cuba. He said, "I didn�t know Carter could speak Cuban."-Jay Leno

Carter said to the Cuban people that the most important right is the freedom of assembly. The place where most Cubans assemble? Miami! -Jay Leno

President Bush has made it clear that we will not lift the trade embargo on Cuba - unless, of course ,you're good at baseball. Then maybe ...-Jay Leno

The Middle East

Yasser Arrafat finally left his compound yesterday. It was an emotional scene as he high-fived several suicide bombers. -David Letterman

Bose Labs says it has recorded the lowest decibel sound ever made. The softest sounds ever heard - that would be Yasser Arafat denouncing terrorism.-Jay Leno

Yasser Arafat has called for free elections in Palestine. He's already asking the suicide bombers for their absentee ballots. -Jay Leno

Recent polls show that Yasser Arafat's popularity is slipping in the Middle East. He's becoming more and more unpopular. You know where he's doing really bad? With the Jewish vote. He'd better start going door to door to get their votes.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

A judge has ordered that Penthouse magazine stop the publishing and distribution of topless photos of Anna Kournikova because the pictures are of another woman. You can tell that the pictures are not of Kournikova because the woman is holding a tennis trophy.-Conan O'Brien

In an interview, Mike Tyson said that he cheated on his wife after he found out that Michael Jordan had cheated on his wife. In a related story, if Mike Tyson is watching - Michael Jordan has just jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.-Conan O'Brien

The PR person for Mike Tyson has quit - and that person was doing so well! -Jay Leno

Mike Tyson's PR firm has dropped him. The firm said it dropped Tyson because it is going to concentrate more on its other clients, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.-Conan O'Brien

The Rolling Stones are going back out on tour! The theme of the tour is going to be sex, prescription drugs and rock 'n' roll. -Jay Leno

I was looking at one of those movie web sites with all the gossip. Denzel Washington says that the time apart from his wife to film a movie has always strengthened their marriage. OK, you can get away with saying that if your name is Denzel Washington, but not if your name is Tyrone Washington! -Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson is in the news. The FBI has been monitoring O.J. down in Florida and the FBI says that O.J. has been involved with drugs. Here's a note to Johnnie Cochrane: Start thinking of all the words that rhyme with cocaine.-David Letterman

Dionne Warwick was picked up for possession of marijuana at the airport in Miami over the weekend. She was on her way to Houston - Whitney Houston! -David Letterman

Michael Jackson wants to be among the first civilians to travel into space. A spokesman for NASA says that they are fine with the idea, except for one problem - Jackson insists on coming back.-Conan O'Brien

Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears are back together! Neither one is sure of how long they will stay together this time, but Britney said she's keeping her legs crossed. -Craig Kilborn

Celebrity birthday today! Monica Lewinsky is 29 years old today. It just seems like yesterday she was crawling around on all fours in the Oval Office. -David Letterman

Popular Culture

According to the New York Times, the marijuana used today is 10 to 20 times more potent than what was used in the '60s. My question is what Times reporter did this phony story? Yeah, chief, I'll be out for a while, we really need to research this.-Jay Leno

The air is so bad here that Mexico is now complaining about second-hand smoke.-Jay Leno

A man in Idaho is facing five years in jail for running his truck into a hair salon after getting upset over a haircut he received there. He's really going to enjoy the haircut he receives in prison!-Jay Leno

The National Science Society has announced that 70 percent of Americans do not understand science. The other 30 percent do not understand what 70 percent means.-Jay Leno

This is historic - secession was put on the ballot here in L.A. In the next election, people will vote over dividing the city into two separate cities - they will be called Sodom and Gomorrah. -Jay Leno

Isn't California strange? Even the cities get divorced out here!-Jay Leno

Twenty-three frat brothers in South Carolina, at Wake Forest University, are in trouble after a drunk pig was discovered at a frat party. Isn't that one of those signs that you might be a redneck? How ugly are these frat brothers if they have to get a pig drunk?-Jay Leno

The president of Amtrak says, and I quote, "I am one derailment away from cutting service." How bad is that when the president of Amtrak is measuring service in the numbers of derailments? -Jay Leno

Officials in Key West, Fla., are now charging beggars. If you beg in Key West it's $500 for each offense. Have they really thought this through? Wouldn't that make the begging worse? Now you've got beggars going, "Normally I quit at five, but all my legal expenses are so high, I'm working extra hours to make ends meet."-Jay Leno

A study in England found that 24 percent of men are disappointed when a woman takes off her bra for the first time. Oh really? How disappointed are they when they don't take it off?-Jay Leno

The city of L.A. has a new dress code for teachers. When teachers are with students, they must be dressed. -Jay Leno

A male streaker was arrested in England after streaking past Queen Elizabeth's limo. The man was sentenced to one year of staring at the queen while she is naked.-Conan O'Brien

Sunday is Mother's Day! That's the day we honor the woman in our family that we blame all our personal problems on. -David Letterman

I tell you, Mother's Day is very expensive. It's an expensive day. Especially for kids that live in Beverly Hills. You've gotta shop for your real mom. Then you got your three stepmoms. And then you gotta get something for the girl your dad is currently shacking up with. -Jay Leno

There's a new video out called "Bum Fighting." This is just sick and terrible; two people went out and taped homeless people fighting with each other. CNN has called the video deplorable, "20/20" has called it criminal and Fox has said, "Hey, why didn�t we think of that?"-Jay Leno

A new study has found that breast-feeding a baby will make the child smarter. This is ironic, considering that staring at breasts will make a man dumber. -Jay Leno

Experts say that over a lifetime a woman will unintentionally ingest four pounds of lipstick! Hey, without that, supermodels wouldn't eat anything. -Jay Leno

The worst appetizer you can eat at a restaurant is cheese fries with ranch dressing. It has over 3,000 calories! The deep-fried Blooming Onion - they serve it at the Outback restaurants - it has 163 grams of fat! Forget that "Survivor" show in Australia with contestants starving to death. What they should do is take them to an Outback and have them eat appetizers until they die. -Jay Leno

Controversy with the Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Lebanon has pulled out of the competition because of Miss Israel, and Miss Israel refuses to wear the sash. The good thing is that they both still want world peace.-Jay Leno

My favorite story of the week - did you hear about the conservative Christian priest at a Catholic school, right here in California, expelled a 5-year-old girl because her mom is a stripper. They even got kicked out of church because the priest said it was too embarrassing - all the dads were turning their heads trying to pretend they hadn't seen her before. -Jay Leno

The mother just doesn't have any luck. She tried going to another church but the priest there tried to hit on her. -Jay Leno

Is this really fair to punish the girl? What do they think, being a stripper is genetic? Is the girl going to show up at school with a big brass pole for show and tell?-Jay Leno

See, that's the difference between private and public schools here. At a private school, if they find out your mom is a stripper they expel you. At a public school here in California, if they find out your mom is a stripper, they invite her in for career day.-Jay Leno

Organized crime, the mob, is trying to recruit people. They have a campaign to fill positions like hit man and snitch. The nice thing about a job with the mob is there's no background check ... wait, that's the Catholic Church. -David Letterman

Tonight on CBS was the 37th annual Academy of Country Music Awards. I taped the show, so please don't tell anyone ... that I taped the show. -Craig Kilborn

The average median cost of a home in the United States is now $147,000 - or, as it's called here in L.A. - deposit! -Jay Leno

Scientists in Israel have created a featherless chicken. The new chicken was so successful that there are now plans to make a hairless Robin Williams. -Jay Leno

The Grateful Dead are going to have a reunion tour. Those fans are getting old. I saw one Grateful Dead fan say, "Help - I'm tripping and I can't get up!" -Jay Leno

A group of Cubans were arrested and sent back to Cuba after their boat went off course and they ended up in Mexico. They were arrested and sent back. After all, if there's one thing Mexico has a problem with, it's illegal aliens trying to sneak into your country! -Jay Leno

The Disney Corporation is being audited by the IRS. Apparently there are eight dwarves instead of seven. -Jay Leno

This is rare. A man in Dallas, Texas, suffered from a moment of temporary amnesia after getting married and he and his wife were leaving on their honeymoon. He said he didn't remember even getting married. You've heard of Lou Gehrig's disease - this is called Bill Clinton's disease!-Jay Leno

A 27-year-old mother is in trouble in Florida for doing jumping jacks naked during her 13-year-old daughter's birthday party. Not only are the parents upset - but also the people at Chuck E. Cheese's. -Jay Leno

A scientist in Kentucky has announced that by the end of next year he will be able to clone a human being. Just what we need - more mutants from Kentucky.-Jay Leno

The Center of Science for Public Interest has found that a single slice of plain cheese pizza makes up half of your daily saturated fat intake. A good way to find out if you're eating too much pizza - if they lift the lid to your casket and you stick to it, then you're eating too much. -Jay Leno

A Florida couple is in the news for getting married in a Wal-Mart where they met. The groom said he had to marry the bride because she was 50 percent off. -Conan O'Brien

Star Wars: Attack of The Clones

Attention, "Star Wars" fans - only one more day until the big letdown! -David Letterman

"Star Wars: Attack of The Clones" opened last night. Good luck getting hold of tech support for your computer this weekend! -Jay Leno

"Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of The Clones" opened last night. Die-hard fans that had been camped out for weeks were finally able to see it. The best part about the movie was the fight scene; the worst part about the movie was sitting next to someone who had camped out for weeks.-Conan O'Brien

There's another Osama bin Laden video out. This proves the guy is losing it. What idiot would release a video the same week as "Star Wars"? -Jay Leno

I saw a woman on the news from England that's seen the original "Star Wars" over 1,000 times! She says she never gets bored because there's always something you don't remember - like her medication! -Jay Leno

On this Thursday's episode of "E.R." they are having a Star Wars fan in it. The fan gets surgically implanted with a life! -Jay Leno

You know the most common thing said by guys waiting in line for "Star Wars"? - "One, please." -Jay Leno

"Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of The Clones" opened this week. If you're keeping score, this is the fifth episode in the trilogy - if that makes any sense. -David Letterman

Today 20th Century Fox announced that they overestimated the receipts of "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of The Clones." They overestimated by about $6 million. Yeah, and they said it was a really stupid mistake because they figured in that fans would bring along dates. -Conan O'Brien

Television And Movies

Tonight on CBS was the conclusion to "The Amazing Race." It is finally over. Here's the really amazing thing - it�s still on the air! -David Letterman

The TV show "The Bachelor" will be on again next year. This time they say the show will have a twist - a straight guy! -Jay Leno

You remember "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"? It was a big, big show, just huge. It was so big for a while they had it on every night, then it was on a few times a week, then just once a week, and now only a once or twice per month - sort of like my sex life.-David Letterman

The Fox News Channel has announced that it will be giving a news magazine show to reporter Geraldo Rivera. This is all part of its plan to stop people from watching Fox. -Conan O'Brien

Tonight was the season finale of "Friends"! Rachel had a baby. Don't tell me the ending - if it was a boy or a cheap ratings stunt. -Craig Kilborn

I drove by one theater today and "Star Wars" was playing and all the people in line were dressed up like Star Wars characters. Then I drove by another theater where "Spider-Man" was playing and the people were dressed up like Spider-Man. Then I drove by the theater where "Unfaithful" was playing and the people were dressed like Bill Clinton.-Craig Kilborn

Here's a programming reminder. This weekend, right here on CBS, you can see the "World's Greatest Commercials." I�d watch, but 20 minutes of it will be the show and the rest will all just be commercials.-David Letterman

This is the time of year when all the networks announce their new shows for the fall. Right here on CBS next fall there is going to be a show about a detective that's a taxi cab driver. So he's a taxi cab driver that's a detective - or a detective that's also a taxi cab driver, whatever it is - anyway, the first mystery he solves is going to be why anyone would hire a taxi cab driver to be a detective. -David Letterman

Did you watch the talking dinosaur show on ABC last night? If I want to see talking dinosaurs, I'll just watch "60 Minutes." -David Letterman

The producer of the show "The Osbournes" says that they want to make the show closed-captioned - this will allow deaf people to not understand Ozzy as well. -Jay Leno

Simon and Schuster have paid for the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's memoirs. Memoirs? Do you think Ozzy remembers anything? He can't remember anything from the last two weeks. -Jay Leno

Speaking at the National Press Club, former Vice President Dan Quayle said if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbournes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long. -Jay Leno

The New York Post had a story that Mariah Carey will star in another movie where she both acts and sings. Angry senators are attacking President Bush over how much he knew about this months ago.-Craig Kilborn

'N Sync member Lance Bass says that he wants to do a TV special from space. He has received permission to do the show - only that the show will not be aired here on Earth.-Craig Kilborn

Over on CBS last night they had the Academy of Country Music Awards and on Fox the "Celebrity Boxing." You can bet there was a fight for the remote in the trailer park last night! -Jay Leno

I like the new slogan Fox has for the show - "Not real boxing, not real celebrities." -Jay Leno

Luke Helder, the Mailbox Pipe Bomber

The FBI says that the suspected mailbox pipe bomber has been working day and night to plant the bombs. Day and night - that pretty much says it wasn't an inside job with someone at the postal service, and it couldn't have been a government worker.-Jay Leno

Yesterday 22-year-old Luke Helder, the suspected mailbox pipe bomber, was arrested. They say he was unhappy with how the government works. Looks like the government works pretty good, seeing how it only took an hour and a half to capture him. -Jay Leno

The FBI considered Helder "armed and dangerous!" They make everything so dramatic. When has anyone ever been armed and not considered dangerous?-Jay Leno

Luke Helder, the suspected pipe bomber, is in custody. The reason for the pipe bombs was that he didn't like how the government was run. Now it looks like he'll get to see how the prison system is run!-Jay Leno

They caught the guy responsible for the pipe bombings in the mailboxes. The guy is a college student from the University of Wisconsin. He said he didn�t want to hurt people, but just distribute the bombs in the shape of a smiley face on the map - I knew there was a good explanation! -David Letterman

Religion

There was a new announcement from the Vatican today - the pope has ordered 10 more new commandments.-David Letterman

Right here on CBS there is going to be a new show made by the makers of "Touched by an Angel." this show is called "Touched by a Priest." -David Letterman

"Spider-Man" opened up making $114 million this weekend. That's an enormous amount of money. It's as much as what the Catholic Church paid out in hush money this weekend, too.-David Letterman

Today Cardinal Law took the stand and testified. He had troubles on the stand - he could only remember three of the 10 Commandments.-David Letterman

It happened again - prosecutors here in Southern California have charged an 80-year-old priest with sexual abuse. Eighty? How old is that altar boy, 65? -Jay Leno

Isn't it creepy, all these church scandals? I'm beginning to understand how all those Bibles wound up in those hotel rooms. Apparently they were left behind.-Jay Leno

The city with the most lightning in the country is Boston - especially when Cardinal Law puts his hand on the Bible and says, "I don't remember." -Jay Leno

Cardinal Law said the words "I don't recall" 47 times. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. -David Letterman

The pope released a statement saying that celebrities like Jennifer Aniston are a bad example because they wear crucifixes as jewelry. The pope also added that Rachel should marry Ross instead of Joey. -Conan O'Brien

The Archbishop of Milwaukee resigned this week, citing old age as the primary reason. Apparently, he can no longer keep up with the children anymore. -Jay Leno

Sports

At the Kentucky Derby a horse named War Emblem won the race. The race is for 3-year-olds. That was the fastest a 3-year-old has run other than from a priest in Boston.-Jay Leno

Sad news, the horse Seattle Slue has died. At the funeral the priest said that the horse was the glue that held the family together. -Jay Leno

Denver Broncos quarterback Brian Griese was injured this weekend after falling down when leaving a party. He had to get stitches in his head. A 12-pack of Coors is being credited with the sack. That's not a good sign when your quarterback needs to wear a helmet during the off season. -Jay Leno

There are plans to build a new $450 million NFL stadium here in L.A. right next to the Staples Center. They say traffic shouldn't be a problem. That's because we don't have a team! -Jay Leno