War On Terror

I heard that Saddam Hussein got a new globe today � but there was no Iraq on it!-Craig Kilborn

Saddam Hussein has invited Congress to visit Iraq. How stupid is Hussein? I mean if there wasn�t an incentive for Bush to bomb Iraq before, just think if Congress was over there! -Jay Leno

Yasser Arafat says that if he is removed from office it will lead to chaos. Oh geez! We wouldn�t want the Middle East becoming a place of confusion!-Jay Leno

President Bush is having a hard time considering when to attack Iraq because of leaks about plans. He says he doesn�t know when an attack on Iraq will start, but he said that the October 25 attack is top secret.-Conan O'Brien

It seems some of the al-Qaeda suspects being held in Guantanamo Bay have attempted suicide. All I can say is � guys, keep trying! You can do it! -Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden is believed to be back in charge of al-Qaeda. I guess this means their leader got back from vacation before our leader got back from vacation.-David Letterman

Politics

President Bush has agreed to an interview on "60 Minutes." We're excited because that's right here on CBS. We're even more excited because President Bush said he "might just stick around for the whole 30 minutes of the show." -David Letterman

Today President Bush gave a speech at Mount Rushmore. There was one awkward moment when President Bush asked, "Which one is President Rushmore?"-Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, President Bush was at Mount Rushmore. Don't confuse this with former President Clinton, who was just in a rush to mount more!-Jay Leno

First lady Laura Bush will be visiting France, Hungary and the Czech Republic next week without President Bush. When he was asked why he wasn�t going to Europe with her, he said, "She�s not going to Europe, she�s visiting France, Hungary and the Czech Republic."-Conan O'Brien

Now, how many of you get to take a monthlong vaction? President Bush is getting ready to. The White House is calling this a working vacation. Well, doesn't that pretty much describe the entire presidency? -David Letterman

Today was President Bush's annual checkup. When asked about it, the president said, "Why do I need another one? I just had one last year."-Jay Leno

President Bush is on his vacation at his 1,600-acre ranch in Texas. The place is big. In fact, President Bush says there�s parts of the ranch that he�s never been to � like the library, the study and the living room. -Jay Leno

Bush is on his vacation in Texas right now, Dick Cheney is in Wyoming, and Congress is out of session. But don't fear � if something goes wrong, Jake the White House tour guide is still on duty! -Jay Leno

New Jersey Senator Robert Torricelli was convicted last week of using illegal money and now, back home in New Jersey, he is running advertising spots apologizing for what he did. That�s what I love about Washington � you get in trouble for using illegal money and then buy advertising spots with illegal money!-Jay Leno

Yesterday Dick Cheney was giving a speech in San Francisco when a heckler, a man in the crowd, stood up and yelled, "Dick Cheney is a corporate crook." It�s good to see Al Gore getting back into politics.-Jay Leno

Senator Hillary Clinton is being reported as wanting to meet with President Bush while he�s on vacation. When reached for comment, the president said, "She should stick to ruining her own vacation." -Conan O'Brien

The Economy

The economy is terrible � it�s like gone straight to hell. This will give you an idea of how bad it is, Paul can back me up on this, every day outside the Ed Sullivan Theater underneath the marquee there is a guy that gives me the finger every day that I come to work. The economy is so bad now that he�s had to take a second job giving Regis the finger!-David Letterman

For the third day in a row the Dow Jones had triple-digit gains. They�re saying that right now the only thing that could hurt the market is if President Bush came back early from vacation.-Jay Leno

In a speech in Milwaukee, President Bush said that he will do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong � even if he must stay on vacation for three more months.-Jay Leno

By now you know US Air has filed for bankruptcy. Two more airlines have too now, Midway and Vanguard. There�s so many airlines going out of business that Boeing is introducing its new plane � the Boeing "7 Chapter 11." -Jay Leno

Several airlines are in financial trouble and are coming up with ways to save money. America West has a new policy � pilots must bring their own booze.-Craig Kilborn

It looks like United Airlines may file for bankruptcy. First U.S. Air, then United, then Vanguard and Midway. American is cutting 7,000 jobs. The only one making money is America West. You know why? They're charging pilots for drinks! -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Our friend Regis Philbin is considering retirement. Can you believe that? I guess the pressure of sipping coffee and chatting has gotten to be too much.-David Letterman

Martha Stewart is in more trouble. One of her shareholders is suing her for her insider trading. When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much but she did say that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer.-Conan O'Brien

In 1894, the revolving door was patented on this day. The first revolving door was in Joan Collins' bedroom.-Craig Kilborn

'N Sync's Justin Timberlake is complaining to friends that when he was going out with Janet Jackson, she used him for sex. Hey kid, you're lucky it was Janet and not Michael!-Jay Leno

A man in California has been stalking Anna Nicole Smith. Anna Nicole Smith has reportedly told the man to stay away from her until he turns 90.-Conan O'Brien

Fox News is reporting that former Motley Crue singer Vince Neil became angry at a crowd the other night at a concert and called the people in the crowd losers. Afterward the people in the crowd said maybe he has a point because we all did pay to see Vince Neil.-Conan O'Brien

This is wacky. You all remember Robert Blake. Well he kills his wife, then he gets put in prison. Well, Larry King goes to visit him and interview him in prison and Robert Blake says, "I will be back to making movies once this thing is over with.� What? I never knew this guy got started on making any movies!-David Letterman

Popular Culture

The Peep-o-rama, the last adult shop near Times Square in New York, has closed down. The only entertainment now around Times Square are musicals and Broadway shows. This now means that there is nothing for straight men to do there. -Jay Leno

A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted for allegedly stealing the herpes virus from the university lab. That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes virus, instead of going out in the wild and catching it like everybody else! -Jay Leno

The TV show "The Sopranos" � now this is true � they are coming out with their own line of food, which will include pasta sauces and salad dressings. They are also planning to whack Paul Newman.-Conan O'Brien

The TV show "The Sopranos" is coming out with its own brand of Italian food. In a related story, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee was found shot to death in a pool of blood.-Craig Kilborn

Here�s a story I love. A woman had her debit card stolen, some crook ran off with her debit card to the race track where he was using her card to place bets. The guy won $54,000 � but since the winnings are direct-deposited into her account he couldn�t collect! $54,000! Not really funny, but that�s a good story. -Jay Leno

In Florida, a jewel thief stole a 16-inch 30-karat diamond necklace and swallowed it! He was arrested by police and the necklace was recovered after he passed it. The necklace was returned and is now up for auction on eBay. Right now the highest bid is $1.17.-Jay Leno

The government is telling us in order to avoid West Nile virus that we should not play with dead infected birds � well, there go my weekend plans!-Jay Leno

Researchers say a beer a day is good for your health. Please. How many guys are going to misuse this information? "Hey, I'm on that beer-a-day diet, I feel great! I'm way ahead, I'm up to October 2075!"-Jay Leno

Listen to this � a couple got in trouble for having sex in St. Patrick�s Cathedral. They were found having sex, then they were arrested, then booked, and then ordained. -David Letterman

You might have heard about this � a couple were caught having sex in St. Patrick�s Cathedral last week and they were arrested. Now this week they were transferred to another parish.-David Letterman

Here�s some strange news. This is a true story. A lady is suing her hairstylist for making her look like Osama bin Laden. In a related story, the CIA is having problems locating the woman. -Conan O'Brien

Sports

The Russian mob has been linked to the ice-dancing scandal from the Winter Olympics. They paid the judges to have the Russian team win the competition. Well, this makes sense, because everyone knows that every year there are billions and billions spent gambling on ice dancing. -David Letterman

It happened again. Texas Ranger pitcher John Rocker was caught yelling obscenities again. The Rangers say this is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the club ... well, since their record.-Jay Leno

It�s been hot and humid here in New York. In fact, the only people not hot here are the Mets.-Conan O'Brien

This is a tough time. We�re now getting close to a possible Major League Baseball Players strike. It�s just sad you know because baseball is the national pastime � well second to only Indian casinos.-David Letterman

Today in court in front of a judge, baseball star Daryl Strawberry said that he promised to never take drugs again and never hang out with criminals or prostitutes ever again. Looks like even Daryl is going on strike!-Craig Kilborn