War On Terror

The lawyer for John Walker is asking that Walker be released to the custody of his parents. His parents did so well with him, too, in his first 18 years!-Jay Leno

Politics

The athletes at the Olympics will be receiving free condoms, lip balm and hand warmers. That's also what Clinton used to give his interns when they got to Washington.-David Letterman

President Bush lifts weights. He likes to stay in shape. He can bench 180 pounds -- or, as Clinton calls it, "half an intern"! -David Letterman

Enron Scandal

Are you following this Enron story? Me, I don't know, I just can't get excited about a Washington scandal if there's no sex involved.-David Letterman

This Enron thing is getting deeper. I just hope this doesn't turn kids off to the wonderful world of accounting.-Jay Leno

The Houston Astros are now wanting to change the name of Enron Field. Seems there's been problems with the field. Players are stealing bases and then they deny it.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

A poodle named Spice Girl was the winner of the Westminster Dog Show in New York. The show is judged completely on looks and not on talent -- kind of like the real Spice Girls!-Jay Leno

Charlton Heston recently said that celebrities that have bodyguards are cowards and should just carry a gun like he does. In response, celebrities have said that they have bodyguards because Heston carries a gun.-Conan O'Brien

There's a story out now that says that Britney Spears lip-synchs so much that she hardly ever turns on her mike. That's no big deal, because most men watch her with the volume turned down.-Conan O'Brien

The Oscar nominees were announced today. Winona Ryder will take one home. She wasn't nominated, but she'll take one home.-David Letterman

Weather

It was another cold day here in L.A. It was so cold that I saw a guy wearing a ski mask at a 7-Eleven without a gun!-Jay Leno

It's cold here! Winter has come to New York. It is so cold outside that no one wants to go out. Today I saw a man jog three miles in a revolving door!-David Letterman

Popular Culture

So we got the fashion show and the dog show going on. I tell you, the city is full of bitches!-David Letterman

Congress says that half of Americans use the Internet. The other half has sex with real partners.-Jay Leno

The murder rate in the city is down 41 percent! In January there were only 33 murders citywide. That just makes you swell up with pride!-David Letterman

The murder rate is down because it's all a part of the city's new get-tough-on-crime policy -- if you commit a murder, you go to jail.-David Letterman

The government ran several anti-drug commercials (at the Super Bowl). They ran right between the seventh and eighth Budweiser commercials.-David Letterman

This is Black History Month. NBC is doing something special for Black History Month. You see, the way it works is if you see a black person on an NBC show -- then it's history!-Jay Leno

Sprint is now offering a service that is "talking e-mail." What is this? Didn't that used to be called a phone call?-Jay Leno

There is a new Starbucks board game out. I bought the game and played it. Then I woke up this morning and there were six more games.-Craig Kilborn

Hallmark is coming out with a new card for guys who forget Valentine's Day. The card is small and gold and maxes out at 10 grand.-Craig Kilborn

Sports

The Super Bowl Committee originally was going to have Enron CEO Ken Lay do the coin toss. I'm not making this up. They changed their minds, thinking -- Hey, we can't trust this guy with a coiin!-Jay Leno

On Wednesday the NFL Experience theme park opened down in New Orleans. It's really something, you get to feel what it's like to be a pro. They give you a football, then some cocaine and take your mugshot. So you get the whole experience!-Jay Leno

The Olympics are coming up! They have built a monorail system that can transport over 100,000 people per day -- and that's just Osmonds! -Jay Leno

There's a lot of complaints about too much sex in the games, mainly in the figure-skating events. I agree, let's bring back the violence -- where's Tonya Harding? -Jay Leno

The White House is getting ready for the Super Bowl. Today they mashed all of the president's pretzels.-David Letterman

Dick Cheney will be watching the Super Bowl from an undisclosed sports bar.-David Letterman

Did you see the Super Bowl? (applause) Or, as the Patriots call it, "The Silence of the Rams!" -Jay Leno

This Super Bowl had one thing that most Super Bowls don't -- a fourth quarter.-Jay Leno

Security was tight at the game. It took the Rams two hours to get to the end zone it was so bad.-Jay Leno

Mike Tyson is trying to get a boxing license here in California. Do you think he'll get it? I think so. We gave a driver's license to Rodney King, a gun license to Robert Blake and a marriage license to O.J. -- I think we can give Tyson a boxing license.-Jay Leno

His dad, the former president, George Bush, to start with did the coin flip (at the Super Bowl) -- much the same way his son's election was decided.-David Letterman

President Bush called the Patriots -- that's tradition for the president to congratulate the winning team. President Bush is such a classy guy, he even called the Rams and gave them advice on what to do after choking.-Jay Leno

Security at the Super Bowl was the tightest it's ever been. It was so tight that at halftime a guy came over to my house and patted me down while I was watching the game on TV!-Jay Leno

The New England Patriots are celebrating their Super Bowl victory. They had a parade the other day and the Red Sox showed up to see what it's like.-David Letterman

There were 77 countries represented in the Parade of Nations (the Olympics), including India. There was one person on the Indian team, one person, and India has a billion people! Think of the pressure that guy must be under!-Jay Leno

Mexico brought four competitors to the games (the Olympics). Good luck getting them to go home after the games.-Jay Leno

Over a quarter million condoms will be handed out at the Olympics. I don't want to know what event that's for! -Jay Leno

A member of the Pakistan team has defected -- he can now be found at the downtown Salt Lake City 7-Eleven! -Jay Leno

Are you watching the Olympics? It's fun! They said on Monday night that over 30 million people watched the games -- the only ones not watching the Olympics are the judges.-David Letterman

God bless the Canadians, though! They are nice people. Today they said they are honored just to get screwed at the Olympics.-Jay Leno

More problems for the Canadian team, though. Today they opened up the mail and it was a rejection for a gold card.-Jay Leno

I'm just glad Tonya Harding got out of skating before it got ugly.-Jay Leno