Politics

President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. He is fine, except they found 300 missing Gore ballots.-David Letterman

President Bush said today that the economy is suffering from a hangover due to the economic binge of the '90s. If anyone knows hangovers, it's President Bush! -Jay Leno

American Taliban John Walker Lindh has changed his plea to guilty. His lawyers were upset � they'll lose money on this, they wanted a long trial. Just today they called him a traitor. -Jay Leno

He'll serve two 10-year sentences, 20 years. Lindh did ask for one condition, that he could serve his sentence at Alan Iversen's house. -Jay Leno

The government is saying that as many as 5,000 Americans could have ties with al-Qaeda. Another 3,500 Americans have the matching sports coat and slacks. -Jay Leno

It's being reported that Janet Reno's campaign in Florida is low on money. I guess their Janet Reno Swimsuit Calendars aren't selling. -Conan O'Brien

Homeland Security

By now you�ve heard about that. Two America West pilots were arrested for being drunk! Everyone was shocked � airport screeners stopped someone!-Jay Leno

The scary thing is that these are the same guys that want guns in the cockpit. That's a good combination � drunks with guns flying planes.-Jay Leno

Two pilots for America West Airlines have been arrested for being drunk. Don't you miss the old days when the only drunk people working at the airport were the security screeners?-David Letterman

Congress has now given the approval for airline pilots to carry guns. But for safety, the guns will be locked up in the cockpit liquor cabinet. -David Letterman

Corporate Crime

President Bush was on Wall Street today speaking out against accounting fraud of big corporations. This was good, but then I thought, wait a minute, accounting fraud � isn't that how he got elected? -David Letterman

There's a lot of corporate scandals going on lately and today President Bush gave a speech on Wall Street. Bush warned corporations not to "cook the books." Then Martha Stewart said, "The correct way is to saut� them."-Conan O'Brien

Al-Qaeda and Hamas are going to merge. The only person that knew about this merger beforehand was Martha Stewart.-David Letterman

President Bush gave a speech today on Wall Street, speaking out against corporate greed. He called for stricter laws on white-collar crime. Now instead of a slap on the wrist, the judge slaps both wrists.-Jay Leno

Between Enron, Global Crossing and WorldCom and everything else, you know who the most honest companies in America are now? Tobacco and oil companies!-Jay Leno

A student at a Delaware school is in trouble after breaking into the school computers and changing her grades to A's from F's. The girl got in trouble but has also been asked to go work for WorldCom. -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Michael (Jackson) was so mad that he had his plastic surgeon put an angry look on his face.-Jay Leno

Michael Jackson says that there is a conspiracy to make him look like a freak. He says the conspiracy started sometime between his seventh and eighth nose jobs.-David Letterman

Have you heard about that? Boy, that's creepy! The son of Ted Williams wants to freeze Ted's body to save his DNA. But the daughter says that is against Ted's wishes. The son wants to freeze him, the daughter wants to cremate him, and Anna Nicole Smith wants to marry him.-Jay Leno

Ted Williams' son wants his father's DNA frozen for later use, his daughter wants to cremate Ted's body. I say let the son freeze him, as long as we don't pass on the son's DNA! We could use more people like Ted and less like his son! -Jay Leno

Doctors are stunned over a 90-year-old man who survived over 1,000 bee stings. The elderly man's will to live is so great that Anna Nicole Smith refuses to marry him.-Craig Kilborn

Britney Spears is now offering a new wireless service from her Web site. For $19.95 per month she calls you up and gives you updates on everything that is going on � well, actually, it's a recording of her voice, so it's just like one of her concerts.-Jay Leno

A Seattle company has given NASA $600,000 to research the possibility of building an elevator to space. An elevator to space? How many John Tesh albums do you have to listen to while on that thing?-Jay Leno

Bob Barker had surgery to remove an enlarged prostate. He told the doctor that he didn't care what happened as long as he didn't come out of the surgery spayed or neutered.-Conan O'Brien

It was so hot today that Martha Stewart was happy to be under a cloud of suspicion.-David Letterman

Popular Culture

A woman in Illinois is under scrutiny because she is still breast-feeding her 8-year-old son. She says that her son thinks nothing wrong of it � but he does wonder why his friends want to have lunch at his house all the time.-Conan O'Brien

Are you following this? The guy in Inglewood that shot the video of the kid being beat by the police has now been arrested himself. OK, the guy who shot the video has been arrested, the officer that beat the kid might go to jail � this means the only one who has nothing to worry about in the whole thing is the kid that was arrested! -Jay Leno

On average, children laugh 400 times per day. Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day. The difference why adults laugh so much less � because adults have children! -Jay Leno

CBS is excited to release its fall lineup. It's getting close to that time. One of the new shows that will air on CBS is about a rap star that works as a cop on the side, a rapper that is also a cop. The title of the show is "NY P-Diddy."-David Letterman

In North Dakota a drunk driver ran his car into the airport control tower in Fargo. Isn't that amazing � Fargo has an airport! -Jay Leno

TV Guide has named "The Jerry Springer Show" the worst show in television history. Is that fair? I mean, Anna Nicole Smith's show hasn't debuted yet. -Jay Leno

Prince Charles is denying reports in London tabloids that his son Prince Harry has tried marijuana. My question is how do you sell marijuana to a member of the royal family? I mean, this can�t be some lowly drug dealer beneath the scenes. Does he go right up to Buckingham Palace? How does that work? -Jay Leno

There is a new doll out that can read, do math and take demands. Isn't that amazing � we don't have real kids that can do those things!-Jay Leno

Sports

The Major League Baseball All-Star Game was last night. The commissioner of baseball called the game in the 11th inning after the teams ran out of pitchers. Later on, the other players said the game ended not because of pitchers but because they ran out of steroids.-Conan O'Brien

Shaq is on the show tonight! (applause) Shaq wants to be a police office when he retires from basketball. That means even after the NBA he could still be guarding Alan Iverson! -Jay Leno

Of course you've heard, Alan Iverson is in trouble. Over the weekend he was held under "mansion arrest." He had a huge party over the weekend. He had to turn himself in today at his convenience when his lawyer got back from his European vacation � so you see, it's just like the way they treat the little guy. -Jay Leno